View Full Version : Omg why am i like this


ohlookatthat
05-17-14, 04:50 PM
Here it is:
I am 26, I started a 3 year bachelor when I was 19 and I am currently in my final year (I took 2 years off). But still 5 years for a 3 year degree is not desirable. I see all my friends getting on with their lives but I can't, because I still have to study.

And I want to study, there's no way to enter the profession I want without it. I enjoy what I study, I find it interesting, I am really good at it and on the very very off chance I ever hand something in on time I get really good grades (please note that I haven't managed to submit something on time in more than a year - with the exception of something I accidentally handed in early, but more on that later.).

I am desperate to finish. I feel so close... I thought that this, the very end... the prospect of moving on would motivate me, but of course it hasn't... and here I am again.

it's 0615am. I am in the 24 hour university computer labs. I haven't slept, last night I only slept for 4 hours. I like to stay up all night because I find I push myself better when I am so tired I am slapping myself awake, but at the same time obviously the quality of work diminishes as the likelihood of sentences containing the same word 4 times vastly increases.

My current predicament:

Overdue (3 weeks): essay - have done all research required. Have written essay plan and introduction. Unable to complete due to my brain.
Overdue (2 weeks): essay - have done all research and completed and submitted literary review regarding essay and my argument. Unable to complete due to my brain.
Overdue: (1 week): 1000 word reflection on topic - Have not even looked at it due to it being the same class as the 3 week overdue essay, which is apparently number one on my priority list of "things to keep putting off". Unable to complete due to my brain.
Due: (in 18 hours - this is the extended due date I was granted): research assignment which I have done proposal and research for. Teacher very nicely let me do proposal and research way past the deadline due to me telling him I was having some mental health issues.
Coming Up (5 days): exam - not worried, totally across the topics. Third time I am retaking this subject as I was unable (due to my brain) to hand in the very basic essay the last two times I took the subject. I handed it in this time what I thought was 4 days late but what was actually 20 days early, as I had entered the due date in my diary wrong (probably due to my brain).
Coming Up (8 days): exam - very worried. Haven't looked at all. Is for subject where essay is two weeks overdue.

Made it this far into my rant? Wow you must be working as hard as I am not to focus on the actual thing you're supposed to be doing right now.

So what's the problem? I am capable, I have the knowledge, I have done the research, taken my medication, I've see a psychologist regularly and keep in touch with my ADD psychiatrist (there are no specialists in that field in my city, so I travel interstate to see him, which is a hassle, so we also email.)

I don't know what the problem is. I want to do it, why don't I just do it. Why do I spend 5 hours trawling the internet or hanging with my dog or talking to my friends before I even open the file? And then when I do I decide in 15 minutes I should just go to sleep... and next day same thing, and so it continues.

Have you ever literally broken down into tears about how much you just want to be able to get something done and then watched 3 hours of 30 Rock episodes you already know by heart? I have.

Have you ever cancelled a weekend away with your girlfriends to see a band (that you had already totally paid your part for) so you could stay home to study and then actually just did absolutely nothing? I have.

And I take medication, I see counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists... I am so proactive in every aspect of my desire to change except the one where I actually just sit down and get things done.

My mum tries so hard to encourage me and help me. We even made "special due dates" where I would submit my things to her a week before they were due. (Because at work with someone to report directly to I am pretty good at getting things done on time.) But I never did it, she tries to understand me but she just doesn't get how I can spend my entire day not even touching the thing that I had set aside the whole day for. And I am so scared to disappoint her, so I lie and I tell her it's done and then I don't have to deal with her questions anymore which really only makes it worse.

In high school everything was always late... but it was a day late, two or three at the most. Now it's weeks and weeks and the guilt and worry builds and builds. I'm on the verge of emotional implosion by the mid point of every semester. And I am so close to being done and not having to feel like this anymore but I don't.

Wow I was going to write something really short. I guess I have a lot of feelings. I am so over feelings. I want to just sit and do stuff. But it's constant bagaining in my mind. Where I will sacrifice sleep, work, social engagements, exercise all in the name of "studying" which is actually me procrastinating.

I got to the library 5 hours and 15 minutes ago. I have opened up my articles but I haven't even opened up the word document. I think I was looking for it in my documents when I had the brilliant idea to do this instead.

Please, someone, anyone, WHAT DO YOU DO. HOW DO YOU DO IT.

Chicky75
05-17-14, 07:47 PM
:grouphug: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish I had the solution for you, but that sounds so much like how a lot of my college years went and I never figured out how to get myself unstuck. But I did eventually manage to graduate, and I think we ADDers don't give ourselves enough credit for these things... It sounds like you have been struggling for years, yet you're still persisting. You should give yourself a LOT of credit for that!

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have more to offer you, but didn't want you to feel ignored on here.

MuEdLife
05-17-14, 11:31 PM
I have a buddy with ADHD (I also have ADHD), we keep each ther accountable if we have similar classes, I also let my friends/fiancÚ/family know when I have stuff due. I also keep dates for stuff due on my phone, sometimes with alarms to remind me to do stuff. I also plan specific times to do tasks and give myself a set amount of time for each task and set a specific time to perform those tasks. It's anal and it sucks, but it works for me.

Right now you're scared, so you're avoiding the things that scare you, I used to do this a lot too. College is scary and it's when you finally have to be in control of yourself. The best thing to do is bite down and face your fears, it's hard but worth it, forget how late the papers are, do your best and let it go. I've done the late paper thing too :/ the longer you wait the harder it gets.

For now, try writing the paper by hand, then transfer it to the computer, it works for me when I can't get started. I also write all my papers on my iPhone now, for some reason it works well for me!

Here's some tips for next semester:
Use a planner or your phone religiously
Set specific times to do your homework as if it were a class (which means if you're invited to things, say no and commit to the time for your work)
Set a certain time limit for your homework
Set alarms on your phone for important dates like due dates and tests
Have a buddy remind you about important things
Don't let yourself enjoy things like surfing the web until your work is done
Change your environment up, the same place typically has the same effect on you
Give yourself rewards for doing stuff on time, like if you turn a paper in on time you treat yourself to a movie or some fancy foods
If your room is messy, clean it up, clean room = clean mind

I hope some of these help and all goes well, I'm just now pulling myself together, last year I was a mess and had late stuff everywhere. I believe you can do it :) it's hard, but you've made it this far! Don't give up and don't live in regret!

yellowflowers
05-25-14, 10:16 AM
Hi

I didn't make it through all your post but wanted to reply anyway to say your not alone X your not the only one who finds these blocks to doing what you've set out to do - that seem inexplanable to others in the neuro-typical world.

I'm trying not to get stuck in thinking like I need to have a reason-neurotyp-peoples-will-accept. It's like taking their rules for what's supposed to be hard or what should and shouldn't be and trying to fit yourself into it

Hope I'm making sense. I cannot explain to others in a way that they will accept/ think is valid, for why I find getting academic work done so difficult. I can't explain it to myself using their language either.

Finding what helps for me is continuing to be a long road of trial error, and needing some serious patience and kindness for myself.

Looking at your list - it's like - these are the things you do - it is as it is. And there are plenty other of us out there who do the same things that appear nonsensical.

Accept where you are at - accept the things you find difficult even if they are not the things other people around you find difficult.

Instead of declaring war on yourself - beating yourself up, with looking at something you've done or repeatedly do - and telling yourself "it's shouldn't be" - try accept that it is. It will hopefully calm your mind a little bit, allow you stop fighting, and you'll have just that little bit more energy and headspace to breathe, think outside the box, try some tiny tiny step to do something differently.

And then comes the patience and kindness with yourself. I really really struggle with all of this. I try something different, and then it doesn't work, or I lapse straight back into old patterns. It's so tempting to say "**** this" and give up, but change is slooow. These patterns we get stuck in, they have years behind them of getting developed. They didn't happen over night, and they not going to change over night.

Xxx