View Full Version : Trying to understand what happened

05-21-14, 11:08 PM
I've been dating a man with ADD for five months. After we had been on a few dates, he told me about his diagnosis and also mentioned that he had never had a long term relationship. We are both in our early 30s so I was a little concerned by this, but we got along very well and I enjoyed spending time with him, so we continued to date.

He is not medicated, because he believes that "Big Pharm" is out to get everyone and all medication is a scam. He also said that he was on medication at one time, but hated that he didn't feel like himself. He told me that he is in therapy, which I initially found encouraging. However, he then disclosed that the therapy is not ADD related, and that they never discuss his ADD.

We had a few small disagreements, mostly having to do with him wanting the relationship to progress faster than what I was comfortable with. However, each time we talked things out and seemed to be able to compromise.

We typically text each other during the day, followed by phone calls on the nights when we are both free. Last week, he stopped responding to my texts and wouldn't make plans to meet up. I finally got him on the phone tonight to find out what was going on. He seemed very confused that I would be upset that he was ignoring my attempts at communication. He also said he was hurt that I hadn't called him. Then he said that he couldn't do this anymore and that he wanted to break up. I agreed that the relationship didn't seem like a good fit and we ended the conversation amicably. He just texted me goodnight.

I'm not sure what happened. From my perspective, everything was normal and happy until he started ignoring my text messages. It's clear that he was unhappy or dissatisfied with some aspect of our relationship, which is fair. I just wish he had communicated that to me. Tonight he didn't seem able to articulate what he was upset about or what he was thinking.

He's a nice man and I enjoyed our time together. I just feel a little confused about what happened.

05-22-14, 07:14 AM
Do you have a question we might answer or...?

05-22-14, 09:03 AM
He had a pattern of not having long term relationships..... you just found out why.

05-22-14, 11:34 AM

05-22-14, 08:46 PM
I kinda feel him. I've been this way in the past and even though I've come a long way I can still feel that pain I think maybe he is feeling. He wants more from the relationship than what you were prepaired to give at that time. He may have put up a wall as an attempt to protect himself. Withdrawing from you was probably all he knows to do. Hoping you would call him or show some sign that you are as invested as he is. When that didn't happen he pretends to be surprised that u were upset that he hadn't been texting. But he knows you are right. I'm sure he really doesn't want to loose you. But he is afraid. He doesn't know how to take things slow he rushes in when he feels a good connection. So he doesn't understand how it couldn't be the same for you.

Counceling and medication go hand in hand in treating ADD/ADHD. I learned so much about why I did the things I did through therapy. Medication alone only provides a window of opertunity to use the tools I have learned.

I feel for him because I feel him. I've been there and it truly sucks to be in that mind set. But everyone comes around at their own pace when they are ready.

Just know its not you. You didn't make him this way and you can't pull him out of it. He will need to do a lot of self reflection before he can be healthy relationship.

05-26-14, 12:45 PM
I'm wondering how he wanted to advance the relationship faster than you wanted to...

either way...I'm going to go out on a limb and take a wild guess and say...

it was him...not you... and like kilt said.... this is why he doesn't have long-term relationships. Sounds like he is also going to continue to have short-term ones.

05-28-14, 09:47 PM
I'll give you another angle.

When I was unmedicated, I could and would "fake it" for a while in relationships. That is, I could and would pretend to be a normal person seeking a relationship connection. But I couldn't read my own feelings or emotions and didn't know what I wanted out of relationships, so I would pull back suddenly on people. I couldn't get intimate with others, because I couldn't even read my own feelings and emotions.

Seriously, you should be thankful that he flaked on you this early in the relationship. I used to fake it for longer periods of time, which only led to more hurt and disappointment.

By the way, a huge red flag goes up about his reaction to medication. It's OK to not take medication, but to dismiss it as a huge Big Pharma Thing to Control People--huge huge red light! ... That's a sign for you to stop right there. Shows me he's letting a petty level of political analysis interfere with his fundamental duty to take care of his health.

I can be very critical of pharmaceutical companies, and I know some people don't function very well on meds, but the blanket dismissal--when ADHD is a huge issue--that's a sign that you were hunting in the wrong woods, sister. What's to say he would have the same reaction to heart medication he might need at some point? You can be happy he's gone. Bottom line: trying to figure out what happened is a waste of time. What happened is that he showed he is not a good relationship partner for you.

You didn't do anything wrong (from what I can tell) if that is what you are asking.

Good luck.