View Full Version : hurting inside....crying all the time...


auntchris
03-29-05, 11:03 PM
The last couple days all I have done is cry and just want to sleep. My body wont let me fall asleep. I have thought of hurting myself but I haven't. I am afraind that I might and am scared .

I am feeling rejected and angry and abandoned. I am feeling like someone I love just died. Like those mean kids from my past are back again either rejecting me or hurting me physically and the pain is what I am feeling. I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle this process. I have thought about other metheds....but I know those methods are the wrong way. :(

aneededchange
03-29-05, 11:13 PM
The last couple days all I have done is cry and just want to sleep. My body wont let me fall asleep. I have thought of hurting myself but I haven't. I am afraind that I might and am scared .

I am feeling rejected and angry and abandoned. I am feeling like someone I love just died. Like those mean kids from my past are back again either rejecting me or hurting me physically and the pain is what I am feeling. I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle this process. I have thought about other metheds....but I know those methods are the wrong way. :(
*hugs you gently*
I am proud to say that my sister has been offically 'cut' free for over 535 days now. I myself never turned to that during all of the choas that my family and life has gone through, but I lived with someone for around 18 years who so that as her only outlet. So I would like to think that I understand where you are coming from.

All I can offer you - from where I am right now is an ear to listen and a loving 'shoulder' to lean on.

From what I have seen from you, you are a bright, intelligent, funny, caring, sweet, and kind woman who has been given more than her fair share of bad -to - worse times.

Please PM me, or someone else, every time you have the urge to cut or harm yourself in any other way. You ARE loved. I wish I could beat up all those demons that still chase you and torment you day-to-day ... but I know I can't. *sniffles as she writes* but I do know that I will be there for you as best I can to help you get through this ....

With love, respect, and admiration -

Ane

Cardo
03-29-05, 11:20 PM
Auntchris.....your right...the other things are wrong.

Inner struggles are never easy to work through, but you know better than I, that this Forum is soft shoulder to rest your heart on. So many like you have simular hurts and as you have been there for them in their time of need, we also are here for you.:)

Please know that your are truly needed and deeply appreciated far beyond what you could ever imagine...

Our shoulder's are here..just for you...

Cardo:)

exeter
03-30-05, 01:51 AM
It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what's going on with you, and I'm guessing it's come from therapy. You're recognizing that hurting yourself doesn't make you feel good over the long term, even if it does relieve short term anxieties. A next step might be to substitute something beneficial that makes you feel good when you're having those urges. Maybe take a walk, play with the dog, call a friend, have a cup of tea, whatever works, as long as you're not out walking for hours at a time all the time, wanting to play wayyyy past when the dog decides he's too tired, on the phone constantly, or sprouting tea leaves out your ears. Remember moderation, and all will be fine. :D

Of course, I'm assuming you're continuing your committment to therapy as well... I've seen the recent thread asking about finding a therapist, so I'm pretty certain that's the case. If the urge gets too strong, you have as a last resort the possibility to call your therapist. I'd urge you to not do that if at all possible, though, so you can more easily maintain a boundry between you and your therapist.

I have been pretty severely depressed before, so I have an idea what you're going through. It wasn't the same, of course, but it wasn't a lot of fun, and I know it isn't for you, either. I'm sure you'll get through this. Just remember, every time you don't cut yourself when you would have just done it before is a victory. There may be setbacks, but even those setbacks don't put you any further behind than you were before. Because you seem ready to work on and take responsibility for these issues, I'm sure you do it.

Nucking_Futs
03-30-05, 05:08 PM
The last couple days all I have done is cry and just want to sleep. My body wont let me fall asleep. I have thought of hurting myself but I haven't. I am afraind that I might and am scared .

I am feeling rejected and angry and abandoned. I am feeling like someone I love just died. Like those mean kids from my past are back again either rejecting me or hurting me physically and the pain is what I am feeling. I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle this process. I have thought about other metheds....but I know those methods are the wrong way. :(


Chris,

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I've felt insecure and bullied by those around me as well. Eventually, you are going to come to a crossroads were you must make the decision...heal thyself or wait for the uncoming miracle. Nobody, can help you on your journey we can all support and love you but we can't give you the shortcut because there is none. Chris work with your therapist on ways to boost your self esteem it will be your most valuable item in this journey.

I'm not even sure if my own personal journey has ended or if I've just worked up a nice slow comfortable pace. But, at some point you have to decide for yourself am I going to let others dictate my life or am I going to take control...take control Chris. Only you decide your fate, only you decide how you react.

Your in my thoughts and have been all week,
Cherity

fasttalkingmom
03-30-05, 07:15 PM
(((hugs))).....

I'm so sorry your feeling this way right now. I wish I could help you but I've never been where you are.....

Do you have someone to go to ? To talk with, to help you?..... I hope so......

Come back let us know how your doing

whiteraven
03-31-05, 12:28 AM
Can't post right now, but I'm thinking of you.
Many hugs
More later.

auntchris
03-31-05, 01:46 AM
*hugs you gently*
I am proud to say that my sister has been offically 'cut' free for over 535 days now. I myself never turned to that during all of the choas that my family and life has gone through, but I lived with someone for around 18 years who so that as her only outlet. So I would like to think that I understand where you are coming from.

All I can offer you - from where I am right now is an ear to listen and a loving 'shoulder' to lean on.

From what I have seen from you, you are a bright, intelligent, funny, caring, sweet, and kind woman who has been given more than her fair share of bad -to - worse times.

Please PM me, or someone else, every time you have the urge to cut or harm yourself in any other way. You ARE loved. I wish I could beat up all those demons that still chase you and torment you day-to-day ... but I know I can't. *sniffles as she writes* but I do know that I will be there for you as best I can to help you get through this ....

With love, respect, and admiration -

Ane

I am so proud of your sister it is so hard to do. I havent cut myself for a year. That is along time too...I just realised that well it wil be a year. in May. May 5 to be exact and I dont want to break my record. Thanks Ane I didnt know I had those qualities and others felt that way about me . Your offer to listen and a shoulder to lean on is enough. I think we all want someone to hear what we are saying and to validate our feelings. I know that there are those in the world that are sorry to say jerks and could care less those people I can shrug off most of the time. I think the night I wrote this I was very emotional a mixture of my dx and teh beginning of menopause and then the situation. I dont want to cut ever again. It is just the first thought in my head like someone who drinks it is there first thought to have a drink. I dont want to sabotage my grow.I apprectiate you kind words and compassion...thanks friend

auntchris
03-31-05, 01:49 AM
Auntchris.....your right...the other things are wrong.

Inner struggles are never easy to work through, but you know better than I, that this Forum is soft shoulder to rest your heart on. So many like you have simular hurts and as you have been there for them in their time of need, we also are here for you.:)

Please know that your are truly needed and deeply appreciated far beyond what you could ever imagine...

Our shoulder's are here..just for you...

Cardo:)

Ya are right about he inner struggle Cardo. They are a B*t*h sorry just had to say that . I have days I do okay on this journey and then there are those other days. Thanks for you kind words...* blushing * I didnt know you guys felt that way about me. Know I just need to start feeling good about me . Thanks bud. :)

auntchris
03-31-05, 02:04 AM
It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what's going on with you, and I'm guessing it's come from therapy. You're recognizing that hurting yourself doesn't make you feel good over the long term, even if it does relieve short term anxieties.

YOu are right about that it isnt worth it and I keep remembering a saying my dr said to me once ..." If you dont respect yourself no one else will, believe me ." and that makes me think to before I react to my feeligns now I just cry, better than what I use to do.

A next step might be to substitute something beneficial that makes you feel good when you're having those urges. Maybe take a walk, play with the dog, call a friend, have a cup of tea, whatever works, as long as you're not out walking for hours at a time all the time, wanting to play wayyyy past when the dog decides he's too tired, on the phone constantly, or sprouting tea leaves out your ears. Remember moderation, and all will be fine. :D



I have a hard time with this one making myself feel good. it is something I was taught at a hospital I went to Self Soothing Techniques...it is part of DBT therapy. It seems that those little things are everyday things and have a hard time with this I think alot has to do with my self esteem and like me Dont worry bout the dog dont have one. I do love tea tough let ya know if any do sprout.

Of course, I'm assuming you're continuing your committment to therapy as well... I've seen the recent thread asking about finding a therapist, so I'm pretty certain that's the case. If the urge gets too strong, you have as a last resort the possibility to call your therapist. I'd urge you to not do that if at all possible, though, so you can more easily maintain a boundry between you and your therapist.

I have been pretty severely depressed before, so I have an idea what you're going through. It wasn't the same, of course, but it wasn't a lot of fun, and I know it isn't for you, either. I'm sure you'll get through this. Just remember, every time you don't cut yourself when you would have just done it before is a victory. There may be setbacks, but even those setbacks don't put you any further behind than you were before. Because you seem ready to work on and take responsibility for these issues, I'm sure you do it.


Yes infact I am looking for a new therapist and psych at the moment. I am continuing with mine I have now until I do find one. I know exter that it isnt alot of fun we both now that. Thanks for the encouragement and confidence and you are right I do want to take responsibility for my issues....Gee I am blushing know others care about me thanks E.

auntchris
03-31-05, 02:13 AM
Chris,

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I've felt insecure and bullied by those around me as well. Eventually, you are going to come to a crossroads were you must make the decision...heal thyself or wait for the uncoming miracle. Nobody, can help you on your journey we can all support and love you but we can't give you the shortcut because there is none. Chris work with your therapist on ways to boost your self esteem it will be your most valuable item in this journey.

I'm not even sure if my own personal journey has ended or if I've just worked up a nice slow comfortable pace. But, at some point you have to decide for yourself am I going to let others dictate my life or am I going to take control...take control Chris. Only you decide your fate, only you decide how you react.

Your in my thoughts and have been all week,
Cherity

Awww Gee Cherity. Ya mean you have been thinking of me really WOW...thanks I know you cant do it and I am the only one who can...deep down I know that.I just seem to fight with myself lately and am having a hard time dealing with 2 dx. I dont want to feel this way ...how does one take control? Cherity that is the one thing I want to work on my self esteem and my inner child ...that is why I am changing my therapist cause she want to work on other things first and I feel if I had a better s. esteem I would be better. I would see alot of the good qualities in me that all of you see in me . Thanks for your honesty Futs. I have been think about ya too and everyone.

auntchris
03-31-05, 02:15 AM
whiterain and Mom ....thanks so much for your hugs and yes I will wait for you whiterain when ever you are ready and have time.

Mom I dont watn to be in this place and am trying I care about you all too...


thanks so much for you compassion and careing

Nucking_Futs
03-31-05, 10:43 AM
Awww Gee Cherity. Ya mean you have been thinking of me really WOW...thanks I know you cant do it and I am the only one who can...deep down I know that.I just seem to fight with myself lately and am having a hard time dealing with 2 dx. I dont want to feel this way ...how does one take control? Cherity that is the one thing I want to work on my self esteem and my inner child ...that is why I am changing my therapist cause she want to work on other things first and I feel if I had a better s. esteem I would be better. I would see alot of the good qualities in me that all of you see in me . Thanks for your honesty Futs. I have been think about ya too and everyone.


My best advice is to do something nice for yourself. I'm not talking about getting your hair done or a backrub or buying a new outfit...I'm talking something truly lifting and kind...give of yourself, do something for another in need that you normally wouldn't consider. Many abuse shelters need clothing go thru your closet and clean out what you don't need, buy a package of diapers, a teddy bear. Give something of yourself that no one can ever say thank you enough for. Write post cards to nursing homes...they are so lonely and don't get out often enough to know what life today is like. Volunteer at the local school, library read to kids its truly a gift that will last them a lifetime. You need to take control of your life the first step is giving yourself a sense of value...you need to force yourself to break thru your safety walls and reach out, touch someone who needs you now. Chris you can do it, I did. People ask why I stretch myself so thin well its were I get my sense of self worth, my sense of pride, healing, acknowlegement that I am worthy of love, understanding, patience, respect. Its up to you Chris what choice are you going to make.

Hugs,
Cherity

RhapsodyInBlue
03-31-05, 11:46 AM
My best advice is to do something nice for yourself. I'm not talking about getting your hair done or a backrub or buying a new outfit...I'm talking something truly lifting and kind...give of yourself, do something for another in need that you normally wouldn't consider. Many abuse shelters need clothing go thru your closet and clean out what you don't need, buy a package of diapers, a teddy bear. Give something of yourself that no one can ever say thank you enough for. Write post cards to nursing homes...they are so lonely and don't get out often enough to know what life today is like. Volunteer at the local school, library read to kids its truly a gift that will last them a lifetime. You need to take control of your life the first step is giving yourself a sense of value...you need to force yourself to break thru your safety walls and reach out, touch someone who needs you now. Chris you can do it, I did. People ask why I stretch myself so thin well its were I get my sense of self worth, my sense of pride, healing, acknowlegement that I am worthy of love, understanding, patience, respect. Its up to you Chris what choice are you going to make.

Hugs,
Cherity
Chris,

I can only say that what Cherity has said to you is the best advice I have seen, and the best advice for anyone who has suffered. Chris, I can vouch for every word that Cherity has said to you as being true.:)

GIVE of yourself. You are not going to find therapy here on this forum Chris, no matter how many threads you start. We are not therapists, and even if we have some medical training, it is against forum guidelines and ETHICS to practice here. Sad to say, some of the professionals :confused: even miss what is staring them in the face, so I do understand that you need a new therapist, as you have stated in another thread. I am happy you are pro-active in finding one.

Chris, I did as Cherity said. With a full time career, I went to nursing homes. I cared for the dying, I taught music for nothing to the young and impoverished, I sang for charity organizations/mental health for no pay, I taught old people how to paint, draw, pastel. I accidentally prevented a suicide through this work.

Out of all of this, I received far, far more than I EVER gave. I will never forget the smiles on faces, the hands held, the smiles of young singers accepted into the world's greatest academies, the lonely elderly who kissed my cheek, and the 104 year old woman with Alzeheimers Disease who sang with me after never speaking a word for 30+ years, the many artists once amatuer that turned professional. I burnt out on this. But I burnt out with a view of life that was far removed from what it was. Like Cherity, I stretched myself to the limits.

This was my healing. How in h**l could I ever repay each and every one of those people that gave me the desire to live???????????

Chris, as was once said to me after the death of one of my children by a professor of psychiatry, "bend down and pull up your socks". Your choice Chris. You have our support, all of us. You have our kindness. Yes, mine too, even though I am tough as all the witches on earth!

Now, what is it to be? Chris? Are you willing to fight for your emotional and psychological survival? I believe you can do this. Take a small step, because it's a huge one. :)

You are in my thoughts,

whiteraven
04-01-05, 12:06 AM
auntchris, I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I hope the outpouring of support here has helped you through your low place.
You are a special person; not invisible, but beautiful. Your shine has touched many here as you can see!
More hugs for you...

auntchris
04-01-05, 01:19 AM
Oh my gosh every one ...I can't believe all the support I have gotten and all the compassion and wise words.

Rhapsody and Fut I want to reply but I need time to think and process what you are saying and to respond.

I didnt know that others thought of me in that light. Thanks so much.

auntchris
04-02-05, 04:35 AM
futs , vik and whiteraven ...I am goign to respond just need sometime to process this. I do hear what is being said I just need some time ...thanks for all your kindness and support.

auntchris
04-14-05, 09:09 PM
all I am going to say at this point is thanks. I dont know what to say to you Fut and Viktoria. All of you seem to have made great strides in big ways. I am just starting out and gettign the new drs in line and being tested next week. My life is all in a jumble.

I have for a while few years keep an eye on this old woman downstairs . I go to her appointment with her and pick up her med and pay the bills when I go to pay mine. I am sorry I dont know what to say about this subject Futs or vik.

Nucking_Futs
04-15-05, 11:25 AM
Its a start Chrys but have you ever considered working as a volunteer for a crisis hotline? or working as an advocate for victims? the training is usually free and you always have someone else to fall back on.

Most of my recovery has not been acheived on a therapist couch but rather jumping out of my safety net into something that still brings me pain and fear only this time I can/will/do make a difference. This time I have a voice and I help others use their voices.

When you lose faith in yourself Chrys there is nowhere else to go. You are making a huge difference in the life of another, what you see as no trouble or a mild inconveniance is a major contribution not only in the life of an elderly and probably lonely woman but in society. If you were not there to help this woman with small tasks that are necessary for her daily acts of living she would probably be admitted to an assisted living facility at the least. Not only does she lose most of her belongings, her freedom, her sense of self but she now costs tax payers an average (Nebraska standards) of $1500.00 a month, the cost of course increases to about $250.00 a day should she require more then help with her cleaning, clothes washing and med distribution. You do make a difference and its high time you gave yourself a pat on the back!!!!

Cherity

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can
I can, I can, I can
I DO, I DO, I DO!!!!

hayden_young
04-15-05, 05:53 PM
auntchris,

Just knowing that you take care of that woman and yourself...wow. I have to hand it to you. I really admire the fact that you are so organized. I don't even know the date half the time, let alone the day of the week. My SO pays our bills, so I don't have to worry about that messy chore (I got the cat box :eyebrow: even trade, I guess.) You not only do that for yourself, but for her!

And Futs is right: where would this woman be without you. She depends on you to help her out. You have given her the most wonderful gifts: your time, your compassion, your help, your assistance, your love. Nobody can ask for more. You're a terrific person, auntchris and I'm glad to read your posts and I'm so sorry you're hurting. But I'm proud of you. You rock, auntchris.

auntchris
04-15-05, 10:00 PM
Its a start Chrys but have you ever considered working as a volunteer for a crisis hotline? or working as an advocate for victims? the training is usually free and you always have someone else to fall back on. ]
Cherity that is not a bad idea. I was told by one of the ladies I would be a good volunteer . I was in a better place then than I am now. I think I would be good at it too. I am good with people and I like to help others.


[/QUOTE] Most of my recovery has not been acheived on a therapist couch but rather jumping out of my safety net into something that still brings me pain and fear only this time I can/will/do make a difference. This time I have a voice and I help others use their voices.
What do you mean by "out of my safety net into something that still brings me pain and fear only this time I can/will/do make a difference. " How can I make a difference if Iam in pain ?


[/QUOTE] When you lose faith in yourself Chrys there is nowhere else to go. You are making a huge difference in the life of another, what you see as no trouble or a mild inconveniance is a major contribution not only in the life of an elderly and probably lonely woman but in society. If you were not there to help this woman with small tasks that are necessary for her daily acts of living she would probably be admitted to an assisted living facility at the least. Not only does she lose most of her belongings, her freedom, her sense of self but she now costs tax payers an average (Nebraska standards) of $1500.00 a month, the cost of course increases to about $250.00 a day should she require more then help with her cleaning, clothes washing and med distribution. You do make a difference and its high time you gave yourself a pat on the back!!!!

Cherity

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can
I can, I can, I can[QUOTE] [QUOTE]

Wow, I never thought of it that way . I know she depends on me alot cause of the problem with her family. I never thought of the other alternative's cost since I really havent had to deal with that problem putting a parent in a nursing home. or assistant living care. I know I take things for granted. I mean I minimise the things that I do in life or even for myself. I see them as being something that I do everyday and it doesn't seem like a big deal. My mom said to me one time this summer when (Mary that is the womans name), "everyone should have a Christine." I was doign that for 3 months going to the hospital almost everyday. I did do alot this past summer. Okay I have a question for ya Cherity, How do I feel good about the things I do? Like I said I think of them as everyday events.

Nucking_Futs
04-15-05, 10:38 PM
You acknowledge that what you are doing is exceptional and give yourself the credit you deserve. What you do everyday for this woman is stuff her family is not even willing to do for her; why, because your exceptional just as Hayden said.

Stepping out of my safety net refers to the work I do as a rape advocate. Rape is one of the most brutal forms of abuse; because, its not a sex crime but rather a control issue, someone robs you of control over your own body and its a heck of a fight to get that control back. When I meet with someone and hear their experiance, sit with them thru the exam and counsel them on what will happen should they press charges I am in a constant state of fear and memories of my own experiances. But, Chrys in all honesty life is scarry and nothing is brave without fear to back it and force us to take action. Take action Chrys save your own life NOW stop holding yourself back, I've done it myself and denied myself the peace that follows.

Big hugs lil sis,
Cherity

auntchris
04-15-05, 11:49 PM
auntchris,

Just knowing that you take care of that woman and yourself...wow. I have to hand it to you. I really admire the fact that you are so organized. I don't even know the date half the time, let alone the day of the week. My SO pays our bills, so I don't have to worry about that messy chore (I got the cat box :eyebrow: even trade, I guess.) You not only do that for yourself, but for her!

Hayden, you a sweetie . I try to be organised and I am when taking care of someone else. When it comes to myself I feel like I am always try to get this or that in order and as if I am never getting anywhere in life. I dont mind paying the bills. I go the Drugmart a store here and hand them the bill and they pay them to the Companies. I do all of this when I get my medication or get mary's.

And Futs is right: where would this woman be without you. She depends on you to help her out. You have given her the most wonderful gifts: your time, your compassion, your help, your assistance, your love. Nobody can ask for more. You're a terrific person, auntchris and I'm glad to read your posts and I'm so sorry you're hurting. But I'm proud of you. You rock, auntchris.
This past June I went to a family gathering oh it was a Graduation Party for her grandson Bret. When I got there I was her daughter introduced me to some of the other member like Mary's sisters and brother in law. Throughout the evening people would come up to me and say," Oh, so your the girl that Sandy talk about so well about." I dont expect the recognition nor do I see myself doing something great. I am just beign a friend to her and acting as my definition of a friend . Mom alway brought us up by the Golden Rule: " Do unto others and you would want them to do to you."

Thanks so much for your aknowledgement of what I do. It means alot to me it is nice to hear. I just have one concern. How do I not let what I do for her over ride my life? I have not done anything to get back into school lately, and deadlines for scholarships are here ...Any advice on how to seperate my life from hers and being apart of it and not all of it. thanks

auntchris
04-16-05, 12:07 AM
[/QUOTE] You acknowledge that what you are doing is exceptional and give yourself the credit you deserve. What you do everyday for this woman is stuff her family is not even willing to do for her; why, because your exceptional just as Hayden said


Thanks Cherity. You mean I just say that to myself and that is all I need to do. Yeah, I do do alot for when I think of this past summer and all the things I did take care of her cashing her SS checks and paying the rent and the bills. Gee no wonder why I lost weight. Ok I see your point Cherity. I think I need to work on my selfesteem cause say nice things about me or hearing them from others is hard . Not as hard as it use to be. I just have a hard time with saying thing to myseld that are nice.


[/QUOTE] Stepping out of my safety net refers to the work I do as a rape advocate. Rape is one of the most brutal forms of abuse; because, its not a sex crime but rather a control issue, someone robs you of control over your own body and its a heck of a fight to get that control back. When I meet with someone and hear their experiance, sit with them thru the exam and counsel them on what will happen should they press charges I am in a constant state of fear and memories of my own experiances. But, Chrys in all honesty life is scarry and nothing is brave without fear to back it and force us to take action. Take action Chrys save your own life NOW stop holding yourself back, I've done it myself and denied myself the peace that follows

Big hugs lil sis,
Cherity[QUOTE]
Ya Gee Im someone lil sis. Finally I am the younger one. Your right about life being scarey. I also have many problems that are making me angry and then when somethign similar happens I go back to that time in my life. It seems as real as it did then too Cherity.

I think you know that I have been told that what happened to me as a child was abuse and adult. How do I feel good enough to help others when I cant seem to help myself ? I mean I want to get back in college and have been procrastinating on writing a essay. I am terrible at the wording. I need to go back to college so I can be that teacher I always wanted to be.

Cherity, I didnt know you were an advocate for rape victims. That is awesome. I hope someday to volunteer at the rape crisis center here in Cleveland. I have not dealt with it cause I never knew that was considered that . Thanks Cherity. Big sis

hayden_young
04-18-05, 11:51 AM
Chris,

[/QUOTE]Thanks so much for your aknowledgement of what I do. It means alot to me it is nice to hear. I just have one concern. How do I not let what I do for her over ride my life? I have not done anything to get back into school lately, and deadlines for scholarships are here ...Any advice on how to seperate my life from hers and being apart of it and not all of it. thanks

That's a very good question...and I can offer some suggestions. Schools always have some person in their registration office that will be tickled pink to help someone give more money to the school. Universities can really knock themselves out to assist students. You just have to know where to look. Try going to the off campus, non-traditional student help center. They will no doubt have a ton of information for you and/or will make things much easier for you in the long run. And they're free. Believe it or not: a lot of people are looking to help others...it's just that those of us that need help are usually used to being on the other end and don't like asking.

The way to separate her life from yours isn't so simple. I understand your feelings: you do so much for her and in her eyes (and her family) you're the best thing (and you are!) but to yourself, when you're by yourself... you wonder what all the fuss is about. It's like looking at a mosiac (there's a ton of broken pieces that make something beautiful...but it has to be viewed from far away.) I suspect you've got your nose right against the mosiac that's your life and all you see is gaps and the broken bits. But when you're with this lady...you catch a glimpse of something beautiful. And you don't want to believe it, because it's too good to be true. But the more you help, the more you care, the more you see. And you start to like it. A lot. Until you go home and see gaps and broken pieces again. But I want to tell you this:

You're still the same person with her as you are without her. And the best way to separate your life and hers...is to go to school. (Which you're already planning! YAY!) Go to the off campus/non-traditional assistance center. They'll work wonders for you. And that mosiac will be viewed by more people and more people will see how beautiful and wonderful Chris is. But most importantly, Chris herself will begin to always see the beauty that she is.

auntchris
04-21-05, 11:41 PM
[/QUOTE][ [/QUOTE=hayden_young]Chris,

Thanks so much for your aknowledgement of what I do. It means alot to me it is nice to hear. I just have one concern. How do I not let what I do for her over ride my life? I have not done anything to get back into school lately, and deadlines for scholarships are here ...Any advice on how to seperate my life from hers and being apart of it and not all of it. thanks


That's a very good question...and I can offer some suggestions. Schools always have some person in their registration office that will be tickled pink to help someone give more money to the school. Universities can really knock themselves out to assist students. You just have to know where to look. Try going to the off campus, non-traditional student help center. They will no doubt have a ton of information for you and/or will make things much easier for you in the long run. And they're free. Believe it or not: a lot of people are looking to help others...it's just that those of us that need help are usually used to being on the other end and don't like asking.
I will check it out. I dont know much about getting back in to college since I have an associate. Do you think I should go to the college I want to transfer to get help or go back to the junior college to see how to get back in?

The way to separate her life from yours isn't so simple. I understand your feelings: you do so much for her and in her eyes (and her family) you're the best thing (and you are!) but to yourself, when you're by yourself... you wonder what all the fuss is about. It's like looking at a mosiac (there's a ton of broken pieces that make something beautiful...but it has to be viewed from far away.) I suspect you've got your nose right against the mosiac that's your life and all you see is gaps and the broken bits. But when you're with this lady...you catch a glimpse of something beautiful. And you don't want to believe it, because it's too good to be true. But the more you help, the more you care, the more you see. And you start to like it. A lot. Until you go home and see gaps and broken pieces again. But I want to tell you this:
How do I do this. It seems I am always helping her out. You said to stand back . I know she is very dependent on me. I know if I went back to school she would have to rely on others .


You're still the same person with her as you are without her. And the best way to separate your life and hers...is to go to school. (Which you're already planning! YAY!) Go to the off campus/non-traditional assistance center. They'll work wonders for you. And that mosiac will be viewed by more people and more people will see how beautiful and wonderful Chris is. But most importantly, Chris herself will begin to always see the beauty that she is.


Thanks saying this. I feel like a different person when I am with her, cause I feel more capable and confident help her out and talking to the dr's at her appt. When I come up stairs to my appt I feel different and sad at times. I am goign to call Notre Damn on Monday to check out there programm for my degree. Thanks for saying I rock Hayden that meant alot to me. I hear nice things from mOm but not from others other than here. I means alot thanks.

auntchris
04-27-05, 02:19 AM
I know I am doing too much for this lady but I and I am not responsible for her but how does one not help someone who needs it . I know she has issue but how do I go on with my life to and meet people.

I dont want her to feel I am ignoring her and i dont think she would. I would be there for her in a heart beat if she has to go in the hospital and take care of her money and bills like I have in the past. I jsut need to do things for me now too.

At the moment I am somewhat overwhelmed I just got tested for ADHD and every other neurological disorder. I am tired so excuse me if I dont make sense. I have all these thoughts going through my head about the questions the neuropsychologist askesd and thing I thought of after the fact after the 2 hour session. Well I just needed to get this out.

shinobi
04-27-05, 09:35 PM
aunt chris, i dont actualy have anything worth while to contribute, hence i havn't, your in my thaughts though, i wish you good karma :)

sweetmama
04-27-05, 09:53 PM
Aunt Chris,
Every single post I have read from you makes me adore you even more even though I have never met you or even interacted with you. I'm so sorry you are having these difficult times in your life, if you would ever just like to talk pm me.
Becca

auntchris
05-13-05, 07:05 PM
SweetMama,


Adore me aaaaawwww. Thanks sweetmama. I dont know why we havent crossed paths yet. I think I have been stuck at what to say sinnce I havent been offically diagnosed or read any of the ADD books. I will find out the results on the 24th of May. I know I was quite upset at some of the things the neuropsychologist said to me during our converstation after the testing. I still get upset at times. I am dealing with alot on my plate at the moment and am not able to put into motion all the suggestions everyone is suggestioning. I still havent found a therapist, the one i mentioned did work he never called me back so that was asign for me.

I just need to wait and find out what my diagnose is. I am afraid that I will not have add and they will tell me it is something else. I know in my heart it is ADD and Dyslexia. I have been to ld by 2 therPist they saw the traits of those to disorders. I have a feeling my whole life is goign to change. The hard part is all the waiting I have had to do. MY mind just wanders and thinks the worse and wonder if I am not ADD then what I will have to leave the forum. That will be awlful. See how I am working in my head. And the chat room I go to well thanks hun.

auntchris
05-13-05, 07:08 PM
shinobi. Thanks for keep me in your thoughts and the good Karma too. I can use all the good thought I can get . I appreciate all the post and support. I am goign through an though time emotionally. This waiting isnt helping too .

jlscott252
05-13-05, 08:47 PM
Aunt Chris,
(((((HUGS))))). I am sorry, to read that you are feeling bad. I don't know what to say, but we're here for you, if you need someone to talk to.

Take care!
Lisa