View Full Version : Giddy before manic episode


fracturedstory
05-25-14, 07:49 AM
I've noticed that before a few of the more potent manic episodes (not hypomania) I might be acting a bit silly and be struggling to verbalise my thoughts. Some very strange things begin happening to me. My mood is just different than it usually is.

Say I had just came out of a depressed mood into what could be considered normal for me, then suddenly I'm a bit wobbly on coordination, hyper, having less control over what I say or do, but also feeling tired like I'm about to get sick.

I'm not explaining this very well.

OK, last time this happened the symptoms were even more severe. I was feeling tired and almost feverish. I didn't have to wear as many layers of clothes. I would have to lean against the wall to walk up stairs. Felt like I would faint when walking and naturally all the ADHD symptoms (forgetfulness, impulsivity, inattention etc) were worse and I didn't take a lot of care with my words which was a real struggle to verbalize in a coherent manner.

I know this sounds like it could be separate and maybe this time it was, but usually I'll experience the problems with thinking and taking care with my words when talking to others. It's like how I am post-seizure. I act kind of younger and slower than I usually do. But there was no seizure. It's almost like a headache-less migraine.

Sometimes I can pick up when I become manic but these times I can't always. I ended up drinking from 11am yesterday to 12am today. I didn't even feel drunk but did a lot of things (that I can remember) that could be said to be manic. It all built over a couple of days, starting with some 'controlled obsessive' thoughts which I usually lose a lot of control with, so I taught myself how to just avoid thinking that way because of how I usually end up. Then I lost control. But I was still functioning more or less in reality so I thought eh, might keep up the thoughts. Then I started to obsess over the thoughts over the couple days and they sort of became my main focus as I went through the day. I think this is what helped build up the mania, or maybe it was just mania all along and it there wasn't any type of trigger.

So I did a few stupid things yesterday, besides drinking from 11am to 12am. I didn't keep my drinking sessions away from children. I was asked to keep an eye on them while I was chatting and drinking with my brother and his girlfriend. So I just got distracted and didn't think. I was so damn chatty that day. Was actually impressed on how much progress I made with interacting with the kids though.

I was doing ok, besides going back to the fridge to grab another beer after my sister told me to settle down, to which I replied, 'it's ok, I've been drinking since midday.' As though that would reassure her I could handle myself.

I'm looking back at the day and I don't know why I chose to drink that way. 5 drinks is usually a lot of drinks for me. But I wanted to have just one while I got ready for a my niece's 21st birthday party, then my step mum got me to make these decorations and it was stupidly boring. So I turned on music, grabbed a beer and sang and danced (while sitting) my way through the 3 hour task. I was actually having a lot of fun. I felt so relaxed.

Then something happened to bring my attention back to my obsessive thoughts and I didn't care for the party or people in it anymore. I still had more to drink (on the red wine now - it's known to make me very paranoid the next day) and chatted to people I had more in common with, but I turned the conversation to something that fed the obsessive thoughts and I really wanted to be in a place where the fantasy of those thoughts would turn into a reality.

Yep. I was in control for those thoughts...

Just so you know the thoughts are very delusional which I might at some point act on to make them a reality. They involve one other who is an actual person and sometimes I want to have a chance to make them a reality with this other person, as much as I keep telling myself if I think of them as false I'll be ok. I even felt confident enough to do the FB version of drunk texting them. It wasn't anything that could incriminate me, though I still feel embarrassed by it.

So today, the depression hit, lifted, hit even harder, lifted, then I had the urge to cry. The paranoia has been pretty high, as well as the regular severe GAD I have. Basically, I feel like crazy person. Actually, this morning I had one of my serious considering suicide moments, all over the kitchen being left in such a mess after the party that I couldn't properly make meals. And I couldn't use the washing machine too. But I felt overwhelmed by the mess in the kitchen. Not sure how I got so anxious that I just didn't want to live anymore, but I think it's over now.

I've had to hide this from pretty much everyone because I don't want them finding out about the crazy.

Soon, I have to go to an interview where an unemployment benefit office (Centre Link for all those Aussies out there) to see if I'm eligible for some work while on the pension. I'm kind of freaking out about either losing my disability benefits or having to work for the dole or do volunteer work, and that whole fear of change thing. Just getting to Centre Link is going to throw me into a panic.

So yeah, to summarize the main point of this post. Giddy before becoming manic? Weird or what?

fracturedstory
05-27-14, 07:22 PM
^It looks like people don't want to talk to a manic FS.

I've settled down now. A bit. I think I got about two hours sleep last night.

Corina86
05-28-14, 05:57 AM
Actually, I'd like to talk to anyone manic (what is FS?), but your post is pretty long and I can't focus on it now. It has nothing to do with the story itself (since I haven't read it). Sorry! :(

fracturedstory
05-28-14, 08:52 AM
FS = Fractured Story. I like just Story though.

It's probably a bunch of manic garble. I wrote a blog post after this and re-read it and I was all like WTF was that?