View Full Version : I can't go to the doctor (Trigger warning)


fracturedstory
05-29-14, 01:19 AM
I've been putting off seeing a basic GP for well...years. I've gotten to this point where I need to see a GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist because I'm completely done with the last one. Well, I got told I'd get my pension payment cut off if I don't attend this interview that's supposed to see if I'm capable for work while on the pension and to see if I can get some help beginning work.
I really want to eventually work one day and become more independent. Actually, I wrote this whole big document about what my future plans were. The unemployment people recommended I at least give it some thought.

I can make it to the interview. I think so at least. I tried to go to the doctor's today but became extremely avoidant and then kind of broke down on my bed. I just got some body pains too. I've been experiencing them for days.

Over these past few days I've been going into a bit of a fantasy world more. It's something I don't like talking about because of how crazy I feel after allowing the thoughts to come in. It's sort of like romantic OCD. It has a name but I don't like uttering the name. I was wondering why it was suddenly so strong after being suppressed for probably a whole year. I think it's because of the changes about to happen. The sitting the interview and needing to go to the doctor to get an assessment for my mood disorder and treatment for my severe anxiety.

So my mind's gone a bit crazy and I can't motivate myself to go see the doctor. It's within walking distance too. Just under 20 minutes. I could even get a lift. I could ask someone to take me but I kind of insulted this person so much (about how I thought about suicide while manic-depressed and just after their friend had killed themselves) that they no longer want to help me. Seems kind of weird to not help someone who was trying to rationalise suicide; seems to me that person is so far gone they would require immediate help. I've been on/off suicidal for two years and still haven't done anything. I probably won't do anything.

All the people around me just think I'm capable of getting my own help. They know how much I need to see a doctor and get some treatment for my anxiety, but they don't understand that my anxiety is that severe that it's actually stopping me from seeing a doctor.

Now, I'm not completely sure I want to say goodbye to mania or my hyperactivity (I think they are both one in the same) so any set backs about me getting treatment make me feel like maybe I shouldn't. Actually, I feel like maybe it's not the right time or maybe I'm not supposed to. I've not had the best history with medication. I get terrible and permanent side effects. So, anything delaying me from taking medication is ok by me. I also don't want to alter the person I am now because of how people see me as a band photographer. I'm intense. Committed. I push boundaries. I'm very talkative to fans too. The band's fans, not my fans. Well, they become my fans.

Anyway, I'm at a loss about what to do about this whole requires medical treatment immediately, situation. Maybe the unemployment place will help me. Some anti-anxiety meds could help me prepare for work. Or they could grant me my original wish and just keep me on payments and not have me work for a bit longer, because I'm just not ready. They think I'm eligible for some work but they're wrong.

I also have this fear of walking around alone for too long which I think has kept me from even sussing out the doctor's office. The place seems a bit sketchy too. They don't require appointments to see people, just waltz on in and wait your turn.

Lunacie
05-29-14, 10:49 AM
I'd go with you if we lived closer to each other. (((hugs)))

That's a lot to feel anxious about. I used to feel that way and worry about it all
until I started on antidepressants.

There are still days when I don't get out of the house and do anything, but I don't
worry myself silly about it now that I'm on the meds.