i dont think i can live here any longer, much. if i could, i would leave today.

the "secure things" here are like... money, food, clean stuff, transport to some degree.

unstable things are mum altogether, emotional, social home life, mum doenst understand me, i cant get the help i need for add and other things, im very locked in and frozen, and mum is the main person who gets me throwing tantrums.

right now this second, very high anxiety feeling this way and knowing that i just cant get out. i want to talk to james about it, but... well he can't help and it will just make him feel bad that he cant help me.

he wants to get out of home too, but knows he cant cause he doesnt have the money too.

thats one reason i cant leave now, and the other is.. once i leave home, i wont be moving back in. that would be like crawling back. also, my older sister spent so much times moving back home, staying, being dependant on mum, being controlled by mum.

mum is very controlling cause she's overprotective in a mean metaphorically lock you up sort of way, and so judgemental, and the "i dont liek this person you cant be friends with them" sort of thing. and gives me high anxiety. im phobic of her, and im not using this term with any novelty at all. im serious.

i have to get out... but i cant. and governemtn help isnt an option, its so complicated. they cant help me.