View Full Version : I never know what to ask for...


AnythingBacon
05-31-14, 08:04 PM
Twice a year, my mother asks me the simplest of questions: What do you want for your birthday/christmas?

The question was just asked in anticipation of my birthday in a couple weeks. I never know how to answer. There have been times when I knew the answer. Always when I needed something practical but could not obtain on my own for various reasons. Like when I needed new brakes on my car...

I do always find a way to feel guilty about receiving gifts whether I requested them or not... I feel worse for not knowing what to ask for though.

I've been pondering this for the last couple hours. The usual is just to hand me some cash and tell me to have fun... I know I both intentionally and unintentionally keep people at a distance, and that makes me very difficult to shop for.

The things I want but cannot obtain myself are either too much to ask for, or not something anyone can control just for me...

What I want for my birthday:

- My niece had an emergency appendectomy on Thursday. I want her to recover happily, healthfully, and gain strength through her experience.

-I care more for my nieces and nephews than anybody in my family realizes. I want to see them all grow up living their dreams.

-I want to find happy memories to replace all my sad ones. I want to remember who I was and where I was going before the skull fracture I suffered as a teen robbed me of 90%+ of my childhood memories.

-Every thought and ideal I have about who and what the love of my life is makes me feel selfish. I would ask so much of her, and fear what I offer in return will not be equal. I want to meet this woman, and know that my fears will not come true.

-I have possessions, but they don't define me. I want to be loved and respected by all those that I love and respect. My true worth is in the quality of my feelings, and knowing they are mutual.

-If money were no object, I would want to be free from the necessity to work. I want to pick and choose what I do and when. The hardest thing for me most days is living my life according to a schedule that has been dictated for us to follow. I try so hard to be accountable for this schedule that I get angry when others can't adhere to it, or don't care to... I want to be free from this responsibility.

How do I answer that question? Saying "Don't get me anything" will hurt my mothers heart more than not giving an answer.

I never make it easy on my family... I wish I could.

I do know that despite my emotional distance and anti-social qualities, that I already have what I want the most: The love and respect of those that I love and respect the most.

How do I find something to ask for for my birthday?

stef
06-01-14, 02:24 AM
that's beautiful
go on Amazon and find 2 or 3 affordable ideas, that she can buy herself online or are easy to find in a store. or an itunes gift card is always nice!
because believe me it's hard not knowing what to buy for your own children.

I did this for myself for mother's day , for me, I know how you feel. I wanted to tell my son "I don't care about the gift, I just want you to be happy!"

sarahsweets
06-01-14, 06:26 AM
Because what you say you want seems to be so much more than a physical gift and you seem so very unselfish perhaps you could research (thoroughly) charities and select one that seems to reflect your personal truth and ask her to make a donation in your name? This way it is still a gift for you, but its also something you can feel good about and know you are making a difference.