View Full Version : No longer caring


mad83
06-12-14, 04:48 PM
Ever since Justin killed himself, I have very much gone into "I don't give two s**ts" mode. I do a lot of college students' homework as a writer and I really don't care what people think of that. It pays the bills which in this economy is what matters. They choose to hire me, so I'm not stealing from them. I'm bisexual and poly-amorous, if you don't like that you can suck my girl d**k. I'm not afraid to say that if I knew I could get away with it, I'd gladly drop a few people. People who start stuff with me better expect me to stop it quickly. My best friend, who helped keep me afloat, who understood the struggle, and who taught me we could survive, shot himself in the head. F**K EVERYTHING.

The problem comes when my medication runs out which gives me self-control. My inlaws don't understand mental illness although they try. My lack of a degree is inexcusable to them. I've brought drama in once but I'm past that. I'm starting to show my true self to them instead of hiding behind my husband. But I think I make them nervous. They see me as a daughter, but I am afraid to get into more drama with them if I let my guard down.

Now my brother-in-law knows I'm weird. I never hid it from him. He takes it in stride. It's my parent inlaws I'm worried about.

We just came back from vacation. During that vacation, I had a bit to drink 1 night, maybe 2 glasses of wine. That much makes me sleepy but not drunk. However it being late, my medication was not working. I don't remember what my mother in law said, but I replied "I am acting this way because I have had alcohol and my medication has worn off." As soon as I said it, the Awkward Fairy sprinkled the room with tension.

I don't want to be "that relative". The one that is kooky and not in a good way. But I'm not taking it up the pie-hole anymore either. I hate the way society works, but I don't want to be a ***** to those I love.

dvdnvwls
06-12-14, 05:59 PM
I'm sorry to hear your friend died. Especially that kind of friend.

You titled it "No longer caring"...

and yet your last few sentences show that you really do care about what counts (it's what counts in my opinion anyway).

No longer caring about what doesn't count sounds like a good turning point in anyone's life.

AND...

Then comes figuring out what counts and what doesn't. There's a surprising amount of difference between good people's opinions on that topic, but I think it usually comes down to clashes between assumptions. (We've all got them, even if we never mention them.) I'm blind to many of my own assumptions - I go through life with certain ideas, ideas that colour my judgment, ideas that make my life better, ideas that can ruin my relationships or make them thrive - but the point is that I don't even know I have those ideas.

...Until it's demonstrated to me that I have them, that is. Come to think of it, do I really need to know that this person has higher education before I can accept them? (Where did I get that idea anyway?) Do I really need a life with no awkward moments? (Really? Is that even possible?) What's more important - my hidden assumptions, or this human being in front of me?

Some assumptions are really hard to break. Painful, even. One of the hardest is "Everyone should accept me for who I am". The truth is, some people are not going to accept me, and I have no right to judge them on that any more than they have a right to judge me on something else. Just because love and acceptance are my own basic assumptions about how life is supposed to be, ones I am not willing to give up, doesn't mean I can force anyone else to share those assumptions. Maybe with understanding and patience and compassion, some people will start to see things more like I do, and if they do then I'll be glad. But if they don't, I can't make them, and I can't blame them for being who they are.

Having a brother-in-law who "gets it", or who at least takes it in stride, sounds like a good thing, maybe a signal of hope for the future with the parents. Starting to show your true self sounds like a good thing too. If it's at all possible to do that gently or in stages or something, to give them a gradual introduction instead of a big shock, that would probably be the best - but life doesn't always turn out according to plan. :)

Maybe some day something will happen with them that kind of blows everything open. If that happens, well, ... every situation is unique. Everyone does what they can do, everyone handles what they can handle, and kind of just hope for the best.

Everyone handles what they can handle, and hope for the best... Maybe that's how life is all the time anyway. I don't know.

I wish you peace.

mad83
06-17-14, 07:08 PM
Problem is he's married now and she doesn't like that we're close. But whatever.

Every day I have a bad day, I just want to rob the nearest millionaire and slaughter a few politicians. Never going to get disability nor a job and I can't keep up enough with work to make anything. I want to try to get benefits again, but I don't want the ridicule like I had last year :(. Just the thought makes me upset.