View Full Version : ADD+LDR Boyfriend


Lalaland0987
06-16-14, 05:08 AM
Hi I'm new to this forum and also a newbie to the whole ADD concept which my LDR boyfriend of 8 months has.

He got diagnosed a few weeks ago and he told me out of 100 he got 86. His main symptoms are procrastinating, being late and disorganized. Anyway at first things were really good. 4 months ago we started talking on the phone but since he got promoted at work this month he's gotten very exhausted so these days he wakes up late, which is the time when I'm sleeping. Moreover his siblings are all at home because of summer vacation(till August) and he hates talking on the phone when he's with his family. So nowadays we just text.

But from the day he got promoted I started to feel something weird. There's no romantic atmosphere, and whenever I ask questions he just gives me short answers like yeah, no, maybe(but he still calls me baby and when I give him kisses he loves it) And btw it takes him like 30minutes or hours to text those words back. I always have to come up with something to talk about. One time when we were on the phone he never said a word and watched a movie and then went to bed and fell asleep and I was so mad about that. So I got mad at him and then he said "I'm sorry" and the next day he didn't say anything again and eventually I cried and then he said sorry again. He really didn't seem to be interested in talking with me on the phone. It's just like texting. He won't say a word and I'm the one who has to think of things to talk about.

But I've been patient until yesterday when I sent him a long text message saying that I've been depressed because of him and then today he said "do you know why I broke up with my last girlfriend?" So I was guessing and then out of nowhere he suddenly asked me what my favorite sport was. I thought it had something to do with that question above so I answered and said why do you ask? And then he said "just asking" and kept talking about sports. He just tried to avoid our conversation so I was very frustrated and asked "what's wrong with you? Why are you just talking about sports all of a sudden?" And now no reply yet. I'm guessing he's trying to avoid answering and the next day he'll just say good morning and act like nothing happened.

What really bugs me is that he never expresses his feelings to me. He's barely open to me while I always talk about my feelings whenever I get sad or happy. He said that he's been depressed these weeks but whenever I asked him how he's doing he always says he's doing great. I seriously don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm not being respected and he doesn't care about me anymore. Help please?
By the way he isn't taking any medication and he said he doesn't want to

kilted_scotsman
06-16-14, 08:49 AM
since he got promoted at work this month he's gotten very exhausted

So he's really tired, plus there's a time difference and it sounds like when you talk you want him to be present for you.....

it takes him like 30minutes or hours to text those words back
You have a long distance relationship.... there's time zones... he's working and his family are around.... there's also the timelag of intercontinental texting....

Why do you expect a faster response??? You give him a textual hug..... if you want him to respond fast it could mean you are hugging him because you want a hug...

What really bugs me is that he never expresses his feelings to me. He's barely open to me while I always talk about my feelings whenever I get sad or happy
He is him and you are you.... just because you are open about feelings doesn't mean he has to be too....

I feel like I'm not being respected and he doesn't care about me anymore
OK... so he doesn't do what you want him to do..... and you feel disrespected because of that..... that's your wants/needs.... and nothing to do with him....

It sounds like you are quite needy... so a long distance relationship probably isn't for you...unless you use it as a way of looking at your own insecurities and what triggers uncomfortable feelings in you.... so that you can handle periods apart from whoever you end up in relationship with.

By the way he isn't taking any medication and he said he doesn't want to
Your feelings are in response to him... therefore this has zero to do with him taking or not taking meds... it is all do with you....

Just because he has a label you have jumped to the assumption that he is the problem and needs to change.....maybe you need to change??

I have been in a long term relationship for over 5 years.... it has been tough sometimes... particularly at the beginning when weeks would pass with no communication with my partner... that made me feel very insecure.... but I realised this was MY issue and something I had to learn to deal with if the relationship was going to flourish.

At the root of this is what kind of relationship you want.... if it's essential for you to have regular deep feeling/emotion orientated conversations and want almost instant responses to requests to have your subconscious needs met then maybe you're in the wrong relationship.

Long distance relationships depend on BOTH parties being able to live independent lives, if one partner can't exist without frequent metaphorical "strokes" from the other then problems ensue unless the insecure partner is willing to look deeply into themselves and say.... this is my issue.... do I want to change.

sarahsweets
06-16-14, 10:10 AM
To me its simple: you want more than he can give or is capable of. Time to move on.

meadd823
06-16-14, 12:17 PM
I tend to agree with Kilted on most of this issue - especially the part about most of these issues being yours - You want and you want but he can't provide - I went a long time with plenty of time on my hands but now that I work more hours I get tired - very tired and when I am tired I tend toward non-communicative because to communicate takes energy more energy than I have after the end of a long day working.


I am the short answer type when I am tired - texting I tend to be short and direct - I am typing on a small phone with little bitty keys I have to hit fifteen times to get the letters right - I can do a decent text if I have a stylus but if I happen not to have one yeah people are getting a four word text max.


For some sharing emotions are freeing the sharing gives you more energy however for other people myself included sharing emotions is draining - It drains my energy to have to go through all it takes to connect emotion to word, communicate it, then deal with the other person's reactions ect ect . .

My preference not to be overtly emotionally expressive is part of who I am , those in my personal life have to understand this is me - The flip side of my behavior is I tend NOT to be judgmental of others emotions or actions so I am the type many folks talk to about stuff. Luckily for me most folks are more interested in discussing their feelings than they are hearing about mine which is fine by me.

This does not mean I am a door mat if I have some thing to say or if another tramples on my boundaries I can back them off but discussing every day feelings and such - IT simply takes to much energy.

Honestly I do not NEED to discuss my feelings. If I have a practical solution like I do to your problem I can talk all day.


If my feelings have some thing to do with you then yeah I will discuss them but if I feel some thing totally unrelated to you them I generally won't say much because there is nothing you can do to "fix it. Please take note discussing things rarely if ever "fixes" them, it does not make me feel better, I do not find relief in getting it all out in the open

Feeling expression just makes me tired so why do it unless there is a need to modify the relationship. Even those discussions I tend to procrastinate about until it has gotten bad. BY the time I say some thing to some one about their behavior they have it coming because I tend try and deal with issues I have myself by changing my own approach first.


IN a nut shell some find sharing emotions energizing other people find it draining - Those who find it draining we tend not to share emotions unless there is a problem we as a couple need to discuss.

Here is my guess about the ex-girl friend thing - he broke up with her because she was to emotionally demanding - You are treading on the tolerable line - IN his mind you are not intolerable yet. The intolerance comes in because you want him to be some thing he isn't. He can not be what you want him to be he has to be who he is


While he probably wanted to say some thing he figured it would only hurt your feelings create an emotionally tense situation so he backed off because he figured nothing he said was going to change you any way so why bother going through all that.

While he can more than likely handle your desire to be emotionally expressive yourself what he can not deal with is your expectation that he be the same way.


It may help to understand emotionally expressive people tend to end up with people like me and your boyfriend because our lack of emotional expression actually provides a certain amount of freedom for you to express yours. This does not mean I do not have emotions, I do some are intense I just do not feel the same need to share them as my husband does. Practicality and analysis I can discuss all day, emotions mehhhhh

If I were as emotionally expressive as my husband no one would get any thing done because we would spend our entire lives discussion emotions. Have you ever considered his lack of expression allows a certain amount of freedom for you to be expressive. If you want a verbal exchange back off the emotions things and discuss more analysis - but remember if he is tired he simply may not want to talk much at all.

Nothing wrong with being who you are, where the problem begins is the expectation you place upon him to be like you are instead of accepting the fact he is like he is. You have to have enough faith in him that should he have some thing he wants to share emotionally he will. Accept him as he is or set him free. NO use in hanging onto a relationship that does not work.

meadd823
06-16-14, 12:35 PM
today is my day off . . . hence the long post :D

Lalaland0987
06-16-14, 12:46 PM
Thanks guys for making time to reply to my post! I really appreciate it and bearing these advice in mind:)

Fuzzy12
06-16-14, 12:47 PM
Hi I'm new to this forum and also a newbie to the whole ADD concept which my LDR boyfriend of 8 months has.

He got diagnosed a few weeks ago and he told me out of 100 he got 86. His main symptoms are procrastinating, being late and disorganized. Anyway at first things were really good. 4 months ago we started talking on the phone but since he got promoted at work this month he's gotten very exhausted so these days he wakes up late, which is the time when I'm sleeping. Moreover his siblings are all at home because of summer vacation(till August) and he hates talking on the phone when he's with his family. So nowadays we just text.

Work related pressure or stress has a big impact on my relationships. When I'm stressed about work (or even if I just have a lot to do without being stressed) the first casualty are my relationships. I struggle to focus on more than one thing at a time and when work requires all my focus there is just nothing left for anyone else. No time, no energy and especially no motivation. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it just means that I don't have enough energy left to show that I care.

And btw it takes him like 30minutes or hours to text those words back. I always have to come up with something to talk about. One time when we were on the phone he never said a word and watched a movie and then went to bed and fell asleep and I was so mad about that. So I got mad at him and then he said "I'm sorry" and the next day he didn't say anything again and eventually I cried and then he said sorry again. He really didn't seem to be interested in talking with me on the phone. It's just like texting. He won't say a word and I'm the one who has to think of things to talk about.

I'm horrible at keeping in touch. You'd be lucky to get a return text from me within 30min especially if you aren't asking a direct question that requires an immediate answer. Most calls and texts I just don't return, especially emotional ones.

Also, as Meadd says:

For some sharing emotions are freeing the sharing gives you more energy however for other people myself included sharing emotions is draining - It drains my energy to have to go through all it takes to connect emotion to word, communicate it, then deal with the other person's reactions ect ect . .

But I've been patient until yesterday when I sent him a long text message saying that I've been depressed because of him and then today he said "do you know why I broke up with my last girlfriend?"

To be honest I become quite a ***** when people expect me to show a particular emotion or when they require explicit proof that I feel a particular emotion. I don't emote on command and I struggle to express what I feel, anyway, especially when asked for it.

What really bugs me is that he never expresses his feelings to me. He's barely open to me while I always talk about my feelings whenever I get sad or happy. He said that he's been depressed these weeks but whenever I asked him how he's doing he always says he's doing great. I seriously don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm not being respected and he doesn't care about me anymore. Help please?

I struggle with depression and when I'm depressed I just don't have the energy to deal with other people. Also, my motivation to express my feelings reduces to somewhere near zero. Explaining how you feel takes a huge effort, especially when your feelings are negative. When someone asks me how I am, I always automatically answer that I'm fine but that's got nothing to do with how I'm really feeling.

I understand it's tough for you. Like the others have said, maybe these things, such as the expression of feelings and showing you that he cares are something that you really need and something he really can't provide.

The best way to deal with this might be to just ask him without any preconceived notion of how you would like him to respond and with no judgment. He might not be able to give you answers but it's better than sending him vague, emotionally laden texts saying for example that you are depressed because of him. I can imagine that texts like that will just stress him out and make him withdraw further (I would).

By the way he isn't taking any medication and he said he doesn't want to.

Medication may or may not improve his ability to communicate (in the way that you need) or turn him into a suitable boyfriend for you but it would probably help him with a lot of things in his life, such as work. If he has such severe symptoms why doesn't he want to take medication? Is he getting any other kind of treatment, like therapy?

ToneTone
06-17-14, 11:42 PM
I've been in your position sister ... I have ... A few thoughts.

But I've been patient until yesterday when I sent him a long text message saying that I've been depressed because of him ...
1. You don't want to tell a partner that you are depressed because they are distant ... that's emotionally needy ...you're in effect begging ... What you want to do instead is say, "I'm not enjoying talking to you right now. I have a full life and other ways to spend my time. So I'm getting off the phone." And then hang up ...

"... and then today he said "do you know why I broke up with my last girlfriend?"
2. If someone said this to me, I would say, "XD#S You," and hang up. I wouldn't answer the phone from this person for a week. To me his response was like a threat. He waived his rifle in front of you ... and instead of running, you're asking him to explain why he pointed the rifle at you. Answer: it doesn't matter why he got the rifle out, but if you negotiate under those conditions, you will never have an equal relationship.

... and then out of nowhere he suddenly asked me what my favorite sport was. I thought it had something to do with that question above so I answered and said why do you ask? And then he said "just asking" and kept talking about sports.
3. A woman I know once said mixed messages in relationships should be interpreted as NO messages. And I think she's right: I have never sent mixed messages to someone I was truly interested in. This confusing talk from him is a NO, a rejection NO.A much better response would have been to hang up and then watch a favorite movie. Let him call YOU and ask YOU why you're upset.

Overall, it sounds to me that he isn't your type ... BTW: I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies for someone to date me when I've been depressed and in denial of the depression. The women who've done that (and there have been some) suffered greatly to no productive end. Note: I've said nothing about "right" and wrong. Your view doesn't have to be "right" and his "wrong." It's enough that YOU don't want to date someone who responds to you like this. Period.

Whether he has ADHD or not, you want to respond to him in a very different way than you're responding so far ... You can do it!

Good luck.

Tone