View Full Version : Single mums with ADHD children


window
06-25-14, 07:39 AM
I am alone with my 5 year old son. He has developmental delay and is being assessed for ADHD. He has many behavioural challenges. He gets upset and anxious easily, doesn't like routine changes and has no awareness of danger. Could me being a single parent cause him to bring more challenging behaviour than he would if there was a father figure there?

Lunacie
06-25-14, 10:52 AM
Being a single parent is definitely more difficult, but having two parents doesn't make it much easier
to deal with the problems of a child diagnosed with ADHD.


There's some very good information in the sticky threads in the parenting section here on this forum,
especially this thread - Dizfriz's Corner. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130) Very much worth browsing.

sunnydaysahead
07-03-14, 02:18 AM
I'm right there with ya.

I think it's almost easier sometimes, because there's nobody to argue/explain that there really IS a problem, or what to do when "he does this" or he "give attitude"
ETC ETC

it's just YOU.... and at least he knows YOU ARE THERE,, and you arent going anywhere....

your son sounds like a copy of mine... NO DANGER AWARENESS AT ALL... he will/would run into oncoming traffic trying to "pet a pigeon"
NO matter HOW loud I was screaming his name...

been better since he started meds, but it's not a "cure-all" either.
but PROGRESS IS PROGRESS right?

I feel for you... and wish you the best of luck.... HANG IN THERE.

one of my FAV QUOTES I read recently,,,

"kids that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways"

seems like it fits my son and i PERFECTLY....

Rainbows
07-18-14, 04:29 PM
Im also single and I thought of that too, what if his dad was always around, or another male figure? My sons dad blames me and says if he had him, he would be perfect, no issues!!! I put what he said in my head for a long time, but you know, hes wrong. I may doubt me saying hes wrong at times though.

Truth is, they will still have the ADHD and any other problems. There's places like Big Brothers ( not to sure what its called) to have an older male role model around. Boy Scouts would actually be great, because you can ask the cub-master to "guide him" as well as some of the other male parents and you will be there!

I agree with Lunacie and sunnydaysahead, great advice!!!

Ms. Mango
07-18-14, 08:43 PM
It's harder for you without a support system. I hope you have other people in your life who can give you a breather. It's pretty well known that the person who is the primary caregiver is the one who gets most of that challenging behavior directed towards him/her, so you'd probably be "it" even if there was another parent around.

kittyb21
07-19-14, 03:28 AM
I personally feel for my children, it is better that they have one care giver and know where they stand and have boundaries. Than two, giving conflicting rules/messages etc.

I know plenty of kids with both parents, whose children are more confused and f**ked up than mine. A lot of my sons friends love coming to my house because they know where they stand with me, and I get better behaviour out of them than their parents or school.

I watch how their 2 parents give conflicting messages and squabble and generally have a bunch of negativity surrounding them, and it makes me feel blessed I'm on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I'm exhausted constantly and it would be great to just be able to hand them over when I'm stressed. And I have massive weight of responsibility and guilt to deal with on my own.

I try to give myself space and free time when they are at school and let them stay with family members/friends as much as possible. I try to focus on the positives of being a single parent and not think about the negatives.

My children appear happier and more settled now than when we lived with their dad, we've been separated now nearly 5 years, it's not easy being a parent but having a partner isn't a magic cure all, parenting isn't easy anyway.

take care xx

Lunacie
07-19-14, 12:15 PM
I personally feel for my children, it is better that they have one care giver and know where they stand and have boundaries. Than two, giving conflicting rules/messages etc.

I know plenty of kids with both parents, whose children are more confused and f**ked up than mine. A lot of my sons friends love coming to my house because they know where they stand with me, and I get better behaviour out of them than their parents or school.

I watch how their 2 parents give conflicting messages and squabble and generally have a bunch of negativity surrounding them, and it makes me feel blessed I'm on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I'm exhausted constantly and it would be great to just be able to hand them over when I'm stressed. And I have massive weight of responsibility and guilt to deal with on my own.

I try to give myself space and free time when they are at school and let them stay with family members/friends as much as possible. I try to focus on the positives of being a single parent and not think about the negatives.

My children appear happier and more settled now than when we lived with their dad, we've been separated now nearly 5 years, it's not easy being a parent but having a partner isn't a magic cure all, parenting isn't easy anyway.

take care xx

Well, yeah, when you look at it that way, you're so right.

When I was the mommy I was basically a single-parent.
My hubby worked night shift and slept all day, leaving me to be the parent. Which meant we didn't argue about how to parent ...
until our daughter turned 14 and started driving and wanting to date
and suddenly he wanted to turn on the "daddy" thing ...
which did not go over well at that point. :umm1:

Vivid_thoughts
07-27-14, 04:32 AM
I was brought up by my mother. My mum and dad split when I was 1 - Just simple agreed they didn't love each other, no hard feelings. My dad ended up moving to London (200 miles away, which is seen as a lot in the UK) I would visit him 2 - 3 times a year for 1 - 2 weeks a time.
The only thing which some females have commented on is that I have a very understanding side towards woman, maybe this is me being nice, maybe as I was brought up by just my mother, I don't know.

Your son sounds like my daughter, she's 5 and I am sure she has ADHD, wife doesn't want to think of her like that, but when I look at her behaviour, I can see the traits in it. Wife doesn't seem to mind if I am labelled, but doesn't want daughter labelled.

MADD As A Hatte
07-27-14, 06:59 AM
I am alone with my 5 year old son. He has developmental delay and is being assessed for ADHD. He has many behavioural challenges.

He gets upset and anxious easily, doesn't like routine changes and has no awareness of danger.

Could me being a single parent cause him to bring more challenging behaviour than he would if there was a father figure there?

NO. NO. NO.

I so remember questioning myself like this. This is the angst of the single mother, writ large. I've been where you are. I metaphorically beat myself up for years about this issue. But now that I can look back, now that I know a whole lot more about ADD and about how all children develop and about raising a son no, I can assure you,

NO, BEING A SINGLE MUM WILL NOT CAUSE YOUR DARLING SON TO BE ANYTHING HE ISN'T ALREADY.

The critical period of developing a healthy attachment model (baby/mother), has already occurred. You can google "attachment theory about.com", and read up on it.

ADHD is NOT a result of anything you've done, and not anything you're gong to do. ADD is hereditary. If you PM me, I can give you links to decades of research that backs this up. (As a note, on this forum, please do not confuse "attachment theory" with something called attunement. Attunement is bunkum. Don't even go there.)

So, moving on, your little bloke is now 5.

There are some really helpful things you can do to get positive male role models in his life, at appropriate times ... (for example, and only as an example, I drew on the "Big Brother' programme here in Australia, when my son was about 8 and his first burst of testosterone kicked in, and he started showing some aggressiveness ... his Big Brother used to take him to the skate park, to ride his scooter, and while they hung out together, he reinforced, week in, week out, "your mum loves you, you don't agree with everything she says but little mate, them's the rules, BE POLITE TO YOUR MUM AND EAT YOUR GREENS" ... not negotiable ... just like uncles used to do in the old days!). As boys get older, of course you have to be more accommodating.


But At 5, your little fella is still entirely malleable, you still have a lot of control. Good news! You have some powerful weapons to use against potential problems..

May I suggest, based on experience, Love Him Relentlessly. Continue, at least until the end of primary school, the joy of being hugged and kissed and tickled and smiled at. Let him sit in the bath 'til he's got frimbles on his finger. Take ages to shampoo his hair, wrap him up in a towel on your lap, and hug him. These kinds of things - and many more - can easily be neglected in the chaos of the single mother's life. I neglected them, until I got a grip on how important it is to do take the time EVERY DAY to do these things. This is how a little boy learns that love and affection are more functional responses than aggro.

Dads do other equally important stuff, like, throwing them from a great height onto the bed, tackling them, roustabout thing, it's a whole different male dynamic. That stuff is not the mother's job. So leave that to Dad or Uncle or Grandpa.

In western society, boys get short changed on the love, the smiles, the kindness. You cannot be too emotionally and physically loving at this age.

And read to him out loud. Turn the telly off. Turn the computer off. Now is the time to invest in one-to-one parent-child time. Read him lots and lots of books that give him the messages you want him to learn. Including the Dorling-Kindersley books, which particularly for boys, are absolutely brilliant. You can pick them up in garage sales on any given weekend, You can get them in the library. Lots of pictures, and short paragraphs about ... everything. All boys are little Indiana Jones, of some sort. These books are brilliant.


I don't know if any of the above answer your questions, but your post sent me off on a sentimental journey about being a freshly-minted single mother, scared beyond description, dealing with an unco-operative former spouse, and day-to-day raising a little boy who was in first class, and a even littler daughter, who was in kindy. Bloody hell. It seems like a lifetime ago, and it seems like it was only yesterday. As teenagers now aged 18 and 16, they seem to have quite successfully survived my chaotic, irregular, dysfunctional years as a sole parent. I guess it doesn't matter how hard we try, as single mums, to screw it up, our children are just waaaaaaaaaay too savvy to be fooled by our COMPLETE INCOMPETENCE!!! Laughing!!

I truly wish you the best.

**As an aside, the consequence of raising a little boy the way I'm describing, is that you have a son at 18 who throws it all right back at you 15 years later. Who, despite your failures, drapes his 6' frame over you, hugs you right back, pats you on the top of your 5'8" head, and teases you relentlessly about being "OH MUM, you're so old, you're so short, what's HAPPENED TO YOU MUM????" Little basstard. I'll show HIM!!!

acdc01
08-26-14, 12:29 AM
As an adult who grew up with parents who just stayed together "for the kids",
I'd say he's much better off with a single mom than in a dysfunctional home. My sister has anger management issues in part cause she grew up watching my parents scream at each other all the time.

My parents became bitter, toxic people because they stayed married (mom's getting better now that they recently separated, but damage has still been done). Those type of people are nothing but harmful to everyone around them and you don't want to become that and ultimately hurt your child way more than you ever would as a single parent.

If you find new love, great. But if not, your kid is much better off with you single.

Tmoney
08-26-14, 07:45 AM
Depends.

The quality of the caregiver is much more important than the quantity of caregivers.
Take for example my father when I was young. I was diagnosed in the 60's and believe me no one knew anything about AD(H)D! He didn't accept what I had, he didnt beleive it and he made it very difficult for me.

If I had an understanding father who had an open mind things may have been much better.
My mother compensated for his ignorance and helped keep me sane.

I would say in most cases being a single parent is not a factor. I would guess the quality of how you deal with him is most important.

I'm by no means a professional or doctor. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express so I must be right!

Hang in there mom. Educate youirself as best possible and let the professionals help you in determining what is best for your child!

I wish good things for you!

mildadhd
08-26-14, 12:23 PM
I am alone with my 5 year old son. He has developmental delay and is being assessed for ADHD. He has many behavioural challenges. He gets upset and anxious easily, doesn't like routine changes and has no awareness of danger. Could me being a single parent cause him to bring more challenging behaviour than he would if there was a father figure there?

Being a single caregiver is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

There is lot of work for one person.

I found these links very helpful in understanding what I should make priority for my son's healthy emotional development, within the limits of my own capacity.

The Importance of Attunement (http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/article/attunement-reading-rhythms-child)







P

kittyb21
08-27-14, 08:25 AM
But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express so I must be right!


To be fair, some of the professionals I've encountered over the years, appear to have less than this as a qualification!!

mildadhd
08-27-14, 11:20 AM
(As a note, on this forum, please do not confuse "attachment theory" with something called attunement. Attunement is bunkum. Don't even go there.)

Not sure why you think something as essential for healthy human psychological brain development and the treatment of ADHD is nonsense?

Attunement is a part of attachment theory.




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