View Full Version : Wife and DD always yelling at each other.


Stevuke79
06-26-14, 09:58 PM
I feel kind of guilty writing this, and I may wind up writing a Mod in a panic tomorrow begging them to let me edit this. (Never done that though .. not even sure if such requests are ever honored.)

Part of the problem is that I don't know if I'm delusional, arrogant, or overly critical, just a jerk. I strongly suspect that with most kids my wife would be a stellar parent. But with DD my wife constantly feels ignored, defied disrespected. My wife is home from work this week so I've been letting her handle DD more than usual, and all week I listen to them yelling, crying, .. my wife sits there on the couch and says "I've had it with her." But I can get DD to do whatever I want. And I listen to them all week and I tell myself not to intervene because:
1. Parenting tends to fall more and more on me, .. and that's just not sustainable. I'm also not home during the week as much as my wife. Even when I work from home.. I need to be working,.. I can't "step in" (though thank god I can.)

2. My DW feels that when I help I undermine her and then winds up blaming her difficulties on me. Whether she's right or wrong ,she IS right that I should let her parent.

Just a few minutes there was an incident. I usually try to be more humble and complimentary. I think you guys can see on the forum that I say (and I truly BELIEVE) things like "this is what worked for me,.. " .. "In my opinion.. " "It seems to me.. " (Or maybe I'm delusional about that too) I many times have waited till after the fact to share what I see and my suggestions. But tonight I was just enthused with the "common goal" so I spoke to her like she was an equal colleague at work which means I just told her the truth and gave her the respect of assuming we're both only concerned with the common goal and will set egos aside and discuss our feelings later so we can do what we need right now to feed our families (again: work analogy). I don't know.. I saw a need and I just addressed it - I fell into work mode (maybe because I'm doing more work this week)

So this is what happened. A few minutes ago my wife is yelling, .. complaining that DD is such a brat and worse ,.. There is a HUGE mess of arts and crafts bits and pieces,.. a mess that I would do my utmost to NEVER leave for right before bedtime. I asked my wife why DD, hasn't cleaned it up. "Oh, she's being such a $#^@!!.. I can't deal with her .. I'll clean it up tomorrow." I look at DD who is exhausted, has no clear direction, .. has no idea what my wife wants her to do... (My wife has told her many times,.. nicely, then not so nicely, .. then yelling and craziness,.. but for those of us who are good with rambunctious children, telling them what you want isn't enough. You have to make sure she heard it and digested it.)

I say to my wife, "I apologize that I'm going to sound a little arrogant right now, it really isn't what I intend or what I feel, but I need you to put down your phone and pay close attention to what I do now. I'm going to get DD to clean all this up and go nicely to bed,.. I need you to watch, listen, and .. hey, come on, I asked you to please put down your cell phone (she does not have ADHD, she's seen pdocs for DX's and is seriously the opposite of ADHD and closer to your type-A straight-A student,.. that's not what that was). ..watch, .. listen, .. please try to absorb what it is I do with her, .. try to see the differences .. and I would really appreciate if you had some questions for me afterwards." (Arrogant, I know. But it was the truth. I need her to watch me and learn. ORRRRR maybe I'm delusional. Seriously I'm totally open to that possibility.) 19 minutes later, the room is spottless, DD gets her sillies and her giggles out, .. we do shower, .. and then I tell DW to please do bed time now (story, reading,.. tuck her in). Because I know she'll feel bad if she messes it up now.. so this is my way of forcing her to try to imitate me.

Anyway, afterwards I tell her that I noticed that while we were cleaning up she actually picked her phone back up.. I was a little annoyed. I asked her what she noticed. "I noticed that you yell as much as me.. " "Anything else? Did you notice any differences?" "It was more effective when you did it?" "Any idea why?" "Mmmmm,.. Uhhhh, .. I guess you were firmer... hmmm.. " :doh::doh::doh:

Ok, now an aside...That's what she noticed??!! That I scream as much??!! This post will become way too long if I go into too much detail, .. but suffice to say there is no comparison between my yelling and hers. When DD is in her own world I yell so that I'm heard and absorbed. Never this, "DD, .. DD,.. DD, .. DD" (WTF is that?) DD tunes it out, wife becomes IRATE and then it all goes to #$$%^@!!! (That was real helpful) or peppering her with everything she's doing wrong "You're being rude, criticism criticism criticism,.. " (Hello,.. she's ignoring you, she knows it's rude, why say it? Actually why yell it? What is that, an FYI? Giving her the 411? And you YELL it no less??!! WTF??!! "You're being RUDE!" Addoyyyy!!! "Oh gee mommy sorry, .. but isn't "Ignoring thy mother and thy father" the 5th commandment? Did I get that mixed up? Well then, so glad you brought this to my attention, I'll stop ignoring you immediately!!!" HELLO!!! She's not ignoring because she has no idea you feel it's rude.. she's doing it because she likes it better that way and she could give a @#$# if you think it's rude.

Yelling is strictly INSTRUCTIONS - so finally she KNOWS what I want. Otherwise DD will just ignore you,.. which DD shouldn't do, but I honestly think that when you're 6 years old, if you don't know what someone wants, and you're very distracted and hyper, .. to expect her to "self-calm" and "listen in" is a very high expectation at 6. ESPECIALLY if you're yelling. I feel like for us it's my wife's fault for turning herself into background noise. Saying things that have no actionable result. (and I might be crazy)

Tonight I thought about it like this: I basically have a 4-step process for moving DD along (I never broke it down like this before tonight but this is how I explained it to my wife).
1. Be heard and understood: Sometimes there are a lot of other stimuli so you need to be loud, easy to understandand crucial. (Crucial= Do this and if I say it once more you lose a sticker on your chart. No stickers, no allowance. No allowance, zero additional toys. To a 6-year old that's real life and death stuff. ie. It is crucial to her interests to understand my request.) Now she knows what you want.

2. Compel her to do just a tiny little bit of what I want: If I get resistance I make clear what is on the line. We're going to start deducting stickers, .. if she doesn't pick up that toy it's going in the trash,.. and if it gets really bad I might read her one story not two for snuggle time. (Have you ever been begged by a 6-year old for more snuggle time? It really does hurt us more than it hurts them.) And the MOMENT I get the very TINIEST BIT of compliance, even if it's the smallest possible tolken to avoid the consequences and it's done with attitude, sass and whatever... STEP 3!

3. PRAISE THE ##$%$ OUT OF IT: OMG!!!! DD, that's amazing .. WOW WOW.. INCREDIBLE LISTENING.. wow, you did just what I said,.. you must be an amazing listener to do just what I said,

4. Sit back and watch DD buzz away until complete, .. further instructions are phrased as compliments: WOW.. Oh, look, and you clean up so well and so quickly *and then she speeds up* OMG you actually got every single piece and you haven't missed anything she then gives another look and picks up all the pieces she missed.. I think you'll earn back one of those stickers if you can stay on task this whole time till we're done *I can see her mentally digging her heals in so as not to be distracted*.

My wife is half listening,.. not really enjoying eye contact with me. And frankly, when I'm in "colleague mode" I expect her to say, "let's discuss this later" if it's just too 'in the moment' for her. But I offer, "would you like to make another time to discuss this?" "No, I got it." "Ok, have you thought about one thing you might do differently?" "Yeah, maybe." "Ok, what's that?" "I don't have to tell you. You're not my manager,.. this is up to me to decide and do." And I get a little upset but I say I understand she feels it's condescending, .. but if we don't decide and commit to change one little thing at a time, nothing ever changes.."

I have no idea what I'm even asking here (I've said that before haven't I). Maybe I want a reality check or to figure out if I'm delusional. (I guess an internet forum might not be the best place for that). Am I less of a parent than I think? Worse of a spouse? More of a jerk?

MADD As A Hatte
06-26-14, 10:17 PM
Ah, the dilemmas of raising offspring, and having to negotiate different parenting styles. I shall reply to your post properly, when I've left work.

Suffice to say, this is ground that needs to be trod very carefully.

I remember when my children were in mid-primary school, attending a 6-week parenting class, at a local community health centre. It was excellent in getting an understanding of the differences in parenting methods!

I also distinctly remember a Carrie-moment, at age 6, with my frenzied mother screaming

"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT"

and then being sent to my room for days. A crust of bread for dinner. Gruel. It was the beginning of the end.

In my experience, and having done limited psychology at uni, some parent-child relationships, for a myriad of reasons, just don't work. It's a mismatch, sort of thing.

Greyhound1
06-26-14, 11:21 PM
Wow, Stevuke

All I can say is that you have developed effective skills in raising your daughter. You are eager to share successful methods with your spouse. This confirms that you are truly delusional

Your dear wife has not developed successful skills in handling your daughter.
She would rather continue with the same unsuccessful methods and get upset with you and your daughter.

I got ya, and you are the delusional one? :)

I hope things get better my friend

Stevuke79
06-26-14, 11:56 PM
Thanks greyhound, .. but you know what I mean,.. you're hearing everything from me, .. and I may have a biased view of the situation. The most awful parents feel as sure as me about their methods,.. they think they're teaching when they're coercing. How would I know if I was just as deluded? After all, that's the problem with delusion. And frankly when it comes to parenting I tend to think I'm,.. well I'll say it, .. I tend to think I'm better than most other parents. And I mean MOST. While possible, it seems a rather convenient and self-flattering and self-aggrandizing conclusion .. most parents are somewhere in the middle,.. perhaps I should question my self assessment.

Stevuke79
06-27-14, 12:01 AM
And here I am so confident that I've figured it all out,.. and I just wonder if I don't need to think more carefully about how arrogant and superior I acted towards my wife. AND maybe that's separate ORRR Maybe it impugns my who self perception in the matter. (ie, I'm arrogant and don't realize that I'm not 100% right about all this)

Greyhound1
06-27-14, 12:26 AM
And here I am so confident that I've figured it all out,.. and I just wonder if I don't need to think more carefully about how arrogant and superior I acted towards my wife. AND maybe that's separate ORRR Maybe it impugns my who self perception in the matter. (ie, I'm arrogant and don't realize that I'm not 100% right about all this)

It is very easy to come across as arrogant when you are frustrated or upset. That doesn't mean that you are arrogant. It just means the timing wasn't right to be humble or polite. You were probably ready to snap. It probably wasn't the best time to discuss your methods with each other.


You don't need to be 100% right about all this. It shouldn't matter. Tell your wife you love her and let it go.

sarahsweets
06-27-14, 04:35 AM
I will say this as carefully as I can and no offense is meant BUT are you sure your wife actually wants things to change? I mean that, if you are around to "pick up the pieces" from a stand off, are you sure your wife wants things to go differently? Or do you think she is just "phoning it in" for the sake of seeming involved but is actually wanting you to step in and make things work? It sounds like there is loads of resentment on her part that is being transferred to your daughter. Like, its easier for your wife to blame your daughter than turn the eye on herself? I know I have been in your position before with my youngest. For whatever reason her father and she clash all of the time. I try and try to get him to see that what hes doing isnt working to achieve the goal ( having her listen-digest and react). I always preface what i want him to do with something like ' this is what works for me' and I try VERY hard to not seem like I am blaming him for not doing things my way. Its super tough. My oldest daughter is 'daddy's girl' and there have been so many times where I just bow out and let him handle her. Things are better now because she is a teenager and realizes that she needs her mother.
Another thing I have gone through- again I tread lightly- but is it possible that she is jealous of your relationship with your daughter?

No one wants to admit that but when my oldest was little, the way she listened to her dad compared to me made me feel like sh*t. It wasnt even his intention to mark the differences in parenting styles but I felt some good old fashioned jealousy over his ability to handle her. I have referred to him as the 'daughter whisperer' because he seems to get in there and tame the wildness of her ways.
I am not saying that this is the way she feels, I am just saying its possible and no fun.
My husband used to be jealous of the relationship I have with my son and it took some therapy to come to terms with that.

I dont know if I am making sense but these were just some thoughts I had.

tripleE
06-27-14, 09:00 AM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> I have a somewhat similar situation with DH (although I can’t claim to be a “better than most” parent).



The clashing with DD, not getting how to do things, not doing things the right way (as in MY way)…..yep all that.


Here are things I try somewhat successfully to remember:

-The more I disagree with DH in front of DD, the more opportunities for triangulation I present to DD - believe me once your daughter is 11 this is an important issue!!

-The more I try to “help” DH, the more criticized he feels, which does not really help him to be a better parent, or even want to be a better parent


-DH has his own weird way of connecting with DD which makes up for a lot of stuff


-I have told him that I will back him up in front of DD, until he crosses a line where I perceive she is being hurt (emotionally) at which point he no longer has my support. Which I think has only been an issue once. But just having that line gives him a lot of leeway to do the ordinary stuff wrong/different

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> AND my friend’s daughter is taking a psych class and her professor says if a child needs only 1 good parent to turn out ok. So that’s all good right!?


AND my kids still need both parents together in the same house, so I need to consider that need as well and not totally alienate DH.

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false" DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99" LatentStyleCount="371"> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Normal Indent"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="footnote text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="annotation text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="header"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="footer"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="index heading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="table of figures"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="envelope address"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="envelope return"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="footnote reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="annotation reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="line number"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="page number"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="endnote reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="endnote text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="table of authorities"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="macro"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toa heading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Bullet"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Number"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Bullet 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Bullet 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Bullet 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Bullet 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Number 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Number 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Number 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Number 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Closing"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Signature"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text Indent"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Continue"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Continue 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Continue 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Continue 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="List Continue 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Message Header"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Salutation"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Date"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text First Indent"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Note Heading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text Indent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text Indent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Block Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Hyperlink"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="FollowedHyperlink"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Document Map"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Plain Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="E-mail Signature"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Top of Form"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Normal (Web)"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Acronym"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Address"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Cite"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Code"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Definition"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Keyboard"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Preformatted"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Sample"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Typewriter"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="HTML Variable"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Normal Table"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="annotation subject"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="No List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Outline List 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Outline List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Outline List 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Simple 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Simple 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Simple 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Classic 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Classic 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Classic 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Classic 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Colorful 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Colorful 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Colorful 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Columns 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Columns 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Columns 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Columns 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Columns 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Grid 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table List 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table 3D effects 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table 3D effects 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table 3D effects 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Contemporary"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Elegant"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Professional"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Subtle 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Subtle 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Web 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Web 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Web 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Balloon Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Table Theme"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:8.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:107%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;} </style> <![endif]-->

jlynn30
06-27-14, 12:29 PM
My DH and I have a similar problem with DS. Though I am still learning how best to "handle" DS and his behaviors; my DH is at a complete and total loss. Most of the problem stems from DH's need to "tease" or "pick" at D; which of course DS hates (I mean who really likes it..ugh). So, partly because of that and partly because DH just doesn't understand the ADHD at all, it is pretty dicey at our house at times. I don't feel like you handled it poorly...I would have just stepped in and taken care of it (which is my part of our problem) so kuddos to you for trying to help her understand how it works for you and DD.

Fuzzy12
06-27-14, 01:08 PM
Sometimes, when you are right it's very difficult to not come across as arrogant or condescending but I think people also tend to view you as arrogant and condescending when you are right (and when maybe they should be concentrating on WHAT you are saying rather than HOW you are saying it).

I think, Greyhound hit the nail on the head when he said that you have found a way of successfully dealing with DD and your wife hasn't so you definitely aren't delusional and I also don't think that you are wrong in trying to teach your wife how to get better results with DD, which would benefit EVERYONE.

At the same time, I guess, it can be difficult to accept for your wife that she is doing something wrong, especially when it comes to a delicate subject such as parenting. Many people seem to get very defensive when they feel that there is even just a hint of an accusation that they might not be a good parent. Not that you said that to or about your wife but I can imagine that anything even remotely connected to that notion might be difficult to hear. I could be wrong but maybe it's even more difficult for women because culturally they are expected to be the natural care takers and expected to be good with kids.

My SIL won't take any parenting advice at all, not from anyone (and definitely not from my brother) and gets extremely defensive and annoyed if anyone even makes the tiniest of tiny suggestions regarding her kids. She is a good mother, I don't doubt that, but even parents are just humans, I guess, and it seems to me more and more that parenting is one big learning experience and that mistakes cannot be avoided. The important thing is that you learn from yours (and if possible other's) mistakes.

I guess, at the end of the day, your daughter is the priority here and her well being needs to take precedence over anyone's pride or self esteem. If you know something that works well it's important to tell your wife though I've got no idea how to word it in a way that doesn't come across as hurtful or arrogant.

Fuzzy12
06-27-14, 01:19 PM
Have you shared your 4-step process with your wife? (Maybe even exactly in those words!! I think, it's a great technique and though I don't have kids I'm glad that once again I've learnt something!! I wish I could share it with my SIL and brother..)

Anyway, your written process might be easier to understand than by observing you and I find that sometimes written text is not only easier to understand but also easier to accept because it gives you time to process and think about it rather than having to respond immediately as you have to do in a conversation.

I don't know if it's good advice (and ideally it shouldn't be necessary) but maybe you could even claim that you've read about it somewhere..from an authority on parenting (which wouldn't be a complete lie anyway). Sometimes I think, it's easier to accept things when they come from an objective third party source rather than someone close to you. Maybe because then it doesn't feel so much like you are in a competition or that you are doing comparatively worse than your spouse (or anyone else close to you).

Stevuke79
06-27-14, 01:40 PM
Thanks everyone for your responses. I want to respond more individually later, but I wanted to share an interesting conversation we had late last night.

So my wife was definitely feeling very off about everything so I sat down and shared a story from the 5th grade. The 5th grade was helll because they started giving us more independence and I NEVER understood where I was supposed to be, or what to do, or which book I needed. I carried all of them around and my book-bags kept breaking (and my classmates discovered that they could just pull on it a little bit and make me tip over). Teachers were constantly yelling and I would get hysterical because I never knew what they wanted or how to make them happy or stop yelling - said shortly, I never knew what I was supposed to do at any moment. And here's the story: My 5th grade teacher was standing in front of me yelling .. never saying what she wanted (I'm sure she said it earlier) And I was scrambling for what to do and it occurred to me that she was often upset that I would space out and not be reading during "reading time" That must be it, I'm supposed to be reading! I picked up my book and started reading right in her face. Peaking around the edges of the book to see if her scowl was becoming any less severe..

Well, she had had it!!! Never in her career (which from the look of her was centuries) has she ever seen a student so obnoxious and defiant - and I know because that's what she said! How could I completely ignore her and to pick up a book to obstruct her view as if to show that I don't need to pay attention to her. Off to the principal!!!

MY POINT: (bolded it so you could see that I will get to it eventually.)
Really, .. ok that teacher WAS a jerk for many other reasons and instances .. and she wore white lipstick which means she never gets the benefit of the doubt EVER, but any other GREAT teacher would have done similarly and really who could blame her or them IN THAT INSTANCE. Every other 5th grader on the planet would have either heard what she wanted us to do, .. or could look around and see what everyone else was doing .. or could have calmed them self down to ask for clarification. Picking up the book to read is an act of rudeness and defiance - that's a legitimate interpretation and would be accurate for most kids. Imagine what it takes to look at that kid (not being him) and to realize what's actually happening.

I made sort of a funny analogy .. lots of people say "I broker the cycle of abuse" and so they're the reason their family will no longer have a cycle of abuse. Well DD is the opposite .. DD is the kind of kid who is the reason a family has a cycle of abuse in the first place. A good parent would beat the craap out of her daily and even a GREAT parent will constantly lose it with her and always yell and criticize her. She needs to think about what it would have taken for my 5th grade teacher to handle that situation differently and realize HOW IMPOSSIBLE that would be. And she's a great parent but what she expects from herself is just as impossible and she needs to forgive herself and be ok that she can't figure this one out .. but if she does what I say I promised her I could teach her to communicate with DD.

She was ok with that. I was really impressed at the humility it probably took to absorb something like that.

dvdnvwls
06-27-14, 03:42 PM
I'm not sure whether what I'm saying contributes to this discussion or not... but it might.

With ADHD, giving instructions is not always the simplest or easiest thing. I've been faulted in the past (and, I suspect, rightly) for a style of giving instructions that is essentially "If you just do what I say, I promise it will work". My ex found that style of instruction (in any topic - we actually didn't have children) extremely irritating and nearly impossible to make use of. She said she needed a different kind of instruction, one that allowed her to know beforehand why and how each step worked. "Please, just try it, the actions speak for themselves" was not a valid answer - at least not for her and her style. It may very well be that such a method of instruction really does work for some people - but apparently it doesn't work for all.

Stevuke79
06-27-14, 04:09 PM
Aaaaand they just came home and aren't speaking to each other.. DD was whining about something,.. DW couldn't take it and some how in "redirecting" DD (not sure if DW was being physical), DD crushed a project she was holding and claims that "mommy made her break her project",.. and DD is in tears. DW insists it's all DD's fault. I suspect they were both careless .. but let's say it's all DD and DW did nothing to assist in the breaking of the project, who cares? The child is in tears. She was excited about something, she lost it (even if it's her fault), and now she's moping and DW is avoiding her.

Not taking sides, DD climbs in my lap and lays down and I hear out her side of the story and I say loud enough for DW to hear: "Well I want you to try something,.. maybe you can go to mommy and apologize for whining, being difficult and blaming breaking your project all on her ,.. and if you apologize, maybe she'll apologize too, and then ... " bla bla bla, we'll all be one happy family..

DD goes to mommy and like a big girl apologizes for everything, listing the things she did wrong specifically just like I told her and like a big girl .. and I'm very very proud. Mommy says, "and I'm sorry that you are sad about your project."

"DW, just curious, did you hear what I said to DD?" "Yeah I heard, but I have nothing to apologize for .. " (Oh well that's all that matters, isn't it?) "Oh, well I thought this would be a good opportunity not just to validate her feelings and how she feels wrong, but also to model good behavior for how we generally validate the feelings of those who feel wronged and how we apologize, especially when someone who we've just had a conflict with has just apologized to us. Wouldn't that have been a nice behavior to model for her? Even if empirically we have nothing to apologize for, .. we could pretend?"

I can't take this. I can't be the only parent. Or wait, can I be a stay at home dad while DW goes off to work? NOPE!!! Ok, fine then, .. I need her to parent as well. WTF am I supposed to do .. I can't be the only one who can make this house work. Maybe Sarah and TripleE are right,.. I might be kind of "enabling" .. even though it's my daughter, maybe I don't have to fix this? Actually, that's kind of obvious when I say it, isn't it?

Lke TripleE said, it's REALLY hard when DD is being hurt. AND to think she's being shown the wrong way to handle this. But maybe I should let it be.

Greyhound1
06-27-14, 05:12 PM
And she's a great parent but what she expects from herself is just as impossible and she needs to forgive herself and be ok that she can't figure this one out .. but if she does what I say I promised her I could teach her to communicate with DD.

Why does your dear wife feel she has to figure this out by herself?
Is it because you already have and can relate better to your DD?

Hopefully, she will realize that "we" can figure this out together.

spamspambacon
06-27-14, 06:56 PM
I was always told:

"raise chickens, instead. you can just kill 'em and eat 'em."
(errr... uhhhh... yeah... I just took a couple of pics of Gregory Peck half-sleeping at my feet. I pet his little head, and he nods off. It's soooooo cute!!!)

Anyways, it sounds like you guys could use a dose of family therapy.

I sense that you feel as if you've got 2 kids to rear; and you may be right.
But we don't know what she is feeling; she may feel like she's being treated like a kid and therefore, responding to that.*

I think of relationships this way:

Every relationship between 2 humans is like 2 people meeting for the first time, in an empty room with a long table. Two people are going to show up, dragging their own pile of "emotional stuff" in with them.

You don't know what the other person is bringing.

Some of us may show up with our emotional background in a tattered knapsack; hip & casual... yeeeeahhhhh.... sorta immature, maybe.

Others may walk in with nothing but a blinged out cellphone. "Wow. They got their schitt together" you think.

But what you don't know is, just before they walked in, they called the delivery truck driver to tell them the location of the room, so that their massive emotional baggage can be delivered in 48' trailer loads.

Ya' know... like all forklift-y sized stuff.

And you won't get a sense of the massive amounts of "luggage" that's coming. You can't.

It's only after some time, that you realize there's a lot of sweaty guys moving huge containers thru freight elevators and hollerin' to each other about coordinating placement so there's enough room for all of it...


* just a WAG. Wearing my devil's advocate hat at the moment.
I'll go back to my bunny ears shortly.

Lunacie
06-27-14, 07:42 PM
I've been avoiding reading this thread all day ... and couldn't be more sorry now.

I just reminded my 16 year old ADHD granddaughter that I had asked her to pick up the living room a few hours ago.

Her response, "I don't remember you asking." *sigh* Please do it now okay?

She picks up about half the paper and trash on the floor.

If I'd read this I'd have said "Thank you, that really does help. Could you get the rest of the trash before getting back on the computer?"

Instead I pushed the trash around with my foot so she'd see it. :doh:

If I'd read this, I'd have said "Thanks, that's great. Could you put the dirty dishes in the kitchen now please?"

Instead I said, "The dishes need to go in the kitchen." :doh:

Maybe if I'd said "Thanks and great" I wouldn't have had to point out the dishes that were still sitting dirty in the living room. And maybe she wouldn't dropped a glass (plastic) and kicked it across the room.

Note to self ... remember to PRAISE and THANK, not just point out what all else needs doing. ;)

LynneC
06-28-14, 06:25 AM
Steve, this is a great thread and is certainly relevent for many parents here, to a lesser or greater degree, I suspect.
My husband and I are miles apart with regard to coping with my son's ADHD behavior. I do try to support him, especially in front of my son, who is now 12, but there are times when I will step in to defuse a situation if it seems like it's just escalating and not likely to be resolved between the two of them. We are struggling right now, too.
And, not to say that I don't have issues dealing with my 12 year old's behavior, because I do. Seems to be very cyclical...right now we are arguing a lot (my son and I) and I know that I need to break the pattern... working on it...

I think you should resist the urge to overtly 'show' your wife how to interact with your daughter; she needs to figure this out, but it's not likely that you are going to have any success by pointing out that what you are doing works better. It sounds like she is so defensive right now that she will resist just about anything you suggest.

Any chance for a Mom-Dad night out, just the two of you? Sounds like you might need one... :)
And I'm talking about just a relaxing few hours together where you DON'T discuss DD.
I think your best success will come from first working on getting your relationship with your DW back on an even keel...

tripleE
07-07-14, 10:31 AM
I love the Praise and Thank suggestion by Lunacie. I think it could easily also apply to dealing with a spouse :-)

Honestly I think there is a line that needs to be drawn at times. Sometimes it's just letting them sort things out in their own way until it goes to far. Sometimes, as is the case with us lately, it's just too much bickering between parent and child. Recently I just told DH he is the adult and needs to figure out how to bring things down a notch and also apologize to DD. And it worked. But you can only do that so often.

Don't we all marry partners that are different from us? I think it's common. Usually, initially, our different personalities are complimentary - one partner's weakness is the other one's strength. But when it comes to the big stuff, especially parenting, it can be very difficult to be different. So I try to keep in mind to let DH do things his own way, while being there to step if I really really feel I need to.

I grew up with Mom that knew how to do everything and who constantly "helped" my Dad. Mom actually did know everything - she's smart, nurturing and practical. But the constant "help" really ended up helping my Dad to become passive, passive aggressive and withdrawn from active parenting.

So I try to remember that as I am, ahem, sometimes I little wee bit like my Mom....

Best of luck Stevuke79 - there seem to be quite a few of us in your situation and it's not easy.

Lunacie
07-07-14, 10:35 AM
I can't say I'm remembering to do the praise-and-thank business very well, but
I think my attitude about the messes changed and we're getting along better as a result.

MADD As A Hatte
07-08-14, 03:11 AM
I'm thinking about the role of laughter in these kinds of stressy parenting situations.

I had a friend over on the weekend. She's a cack! Doesn't take me AT ALL seriously. She's always taking the ****. We were in the garage when my Darling 16 year old Daughter did something I had asked her not to do. It triggered on my part a skanky emotionally unregulated JUST DO NOT BLOODY DO THAT AND LISTEN TO WHST IM TELLING YOU unattractive piece of mothering. Admittedly, there was a different underlying DD-related issue, but regardless, I totally lost it.

DD looks at me, does the thing again.

I LOST IT. AGAIN.

DD's boyfriend stands around looking incredibly young and handsome but GORMLESS!

DD tries it on a third time. I scream at her (all the while knowing I'm making an **** of myself).

DD does a Mexican stand off, glaring at me. A few seconds pass.

My friend puts her arm around DD and says "Xxxx, meet your Mother!"

At which point I punched Darling Friend in the arm and we all of us burst out laughing. And moved on.

I apologised later. But it did make me realise how powerful laughter can be in breaking the mother/daughter thing that can sometimes get out of everyone's control.

MADD As A Hatte
07-08-14, 03:17 AM
I was always told:
"raise chickens, instead. you can just kill 'em and eat 'Em"


HILARIOUS! That's goin' up on the fridge!!

Rainbows
07-18-14, 01:02 PM
Its not easy and even with both parents following the same way of handling the situation, it can still be a struggle. Patience and expectations are different with everyone as is what each person can handle. ( same in my family)

Everyone had great ideas which I will take for myself as well :) Both of you need to sit down and talk, then, with the kids included. I wish you luck and hope your situation improves.