View Full Version : If you're in a romantic relationship w/an ADHDer, does it "look" like the nonADHD

07-02-14, 02:04 PM
relationships you've had? If not, how so?

07-02-14, 02:39 PM
Would you please clarify what do you mean by "does it "look" lie the non ADHD"?

07-02-14, 03:20 PM
Is your relationship like other romantic relationships when ADHD wasn't a factor? Or is it different? If different, how?

07-02-14, 10:25 PM
Great question ... and I'm anxious to see responses.

I'm ADHD myself, so I can't answer that one.


07-03-14, 03:57 AM
I would say they are different. My husband I are both adhd, and our relationship is so good. I am very lucky. We both have a different type of adhd-so to speak and where one of us is lacking, the other makes up for it. I think its good because he understands my struggles.

07-03-14, 01:37 PM
Hi, Greengrasshoppe--

I'm not sure if this is really what you are asking, but my experience is that initially my relationship with my ADHD partner was much like any other early courtship I have ever experienced, though in some ways better. What I fell in love with was the quality of profound attention, focus, interest, awareness that he brought to the relationship. I was looking for someone who was genuinely interested in me, who could listen to me and who wanted to do so, who could really share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, resources to make a life together.

Unfortunately, most of that was very short-lived. I had no idea a person could change that uncannily much so quickly. It was like flipping a switch. Now my partner struggles hard even to hear me say an entire sentence without his losing focus, he seems to have little interest in my experiences and concerns, and he is so checked out that I occasionally feel as though I am living with a Martian. Don't get me wrong--he really loves me. He struggles with all this. But one day, fairly early in our relationship, his ADHD suddenly became a giant obstacle to all the kinds of open, attentive connection we once had.

I am not talking about the ordinary transition from new love to normal life. This was a gigantic, almost surreal transformation. If I had known the original conditions were not the real deal, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. When the change came, if I had understood that it was a definitive and permanent change, I would not have continued in the relationship. If my partner had been diagnosed and we had both known what ADHD is and how it affects his life and relationships, we probably would not have gotten involved at all.

His ADHD affects me in big ways every single day. We are constantly negotiating boundaries and struggling with issues related to his disability. It's part of my life, often in very hard ways. No relationship I ever had before included this kind of carryover of someone else's issues to me. A long ago boyfriend of mine was once on crutches for two months after a surgery. I was surprised at how much that changed my life then, but the extent of it was tiny and trivial compared to this.

I guess what I am saying is that I often end up feeling as if I have a relationship with a person AND one with his ADHD. It's not something I ever experienced before. It's not as if all my other relationships were the same as each other, but they sure have in common that they aren't like this one.

07-03-14, 02:06 PM
Being one with ADD, I'm interested to hear what a relationship is like between normal people.

07-03-14, 02:47 PM
Every relationship is different.... ADHD brings challenges, but then everyone has something that makes being in a relationship with them taxing at times.