I'm new and in quite the situation. I'm in love and living with a female add so. I am surprised how few men with ADD women posts here it seems mostly women with ADD husbands.

I truly love my add gf and am totally committed to her. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

I have no real problems with her add, such as her mood swings, her zoning out, her not hearing a word I say half the time, her inability to keep a train of thought in a conversation, or her awkward changes of subject randomly in the middle of things. I listen intently, I can keep up with her and also can manage to stay with her during her complain and moan sessions. She is also intensely physical and cannot sit still, always needing to do something with her hands such as twirling a pencil or playing with a bottlecap or just about anything. I find her quirky behavior actually cute and also do not mind having to repeat myself over and over very often.

What I do mind is how she treats me in light of everything I do for her. I cook, clean, get the groceries, do the laundry and dishes, work and completely support her. She doesn't work and has a terrible fear of social settings so she's happy just to stay at home and keep busy doing a whole lot of nothing around the house. Despite this little sanctuary I've slaved to keep up to HER standards (yes, with all my constant work, toil and effort, she still insists on complaining about every and any imperfection or flaw in the house or with me), she has recently been treating me as if I am diseased or repulsive.

Sex? What's that. There hasn't been ANY this whole year at all, and not for several months last year. When we did have sex, it wasn't anything at all like sex as she would just put on some act with all the sincerity of an elementary school performance of Fiddler on the Roof, then zone out and want it over as quickly as possible. She would always insist on trying to ruin it before it even started and now doesn't want anything to do with it at all. She's been saying she's not ready, but will be ready soon.. but has been saying this for 6 months now.

For ADD women here, what is the key to make you respect and love a man? I am just so drained and out of ideas here... When we do get close, it only lasts a matter of minutes before she falls into babble mode of dragging out every single thing, and the same old things, that have ever been painful in her life. I just try to get comfortable because I know it's going to be at least a 2 hour melodrama of her going on and on, finally ending with her depressed and getting distant with me again. Repeat this every night for the past several months and I'm totally drained.

I could really use some pointers for what I should be doing or what I can try to bring a little bit of warmth or intimacy in this relationship with her. While she contantly tells me how much she loves me, her actions just do not match her words. I totally understand she's in her own little world very often and I can live with that and dedicated to work on it, but being the only one working on the relationship the whole time is making me a sad and unhappy person, which I strive to be so positive, caring and giving for her sake.

Those of you with boyfriends, please give them a tight hug and long, wonderful kiss that lasts several minutes for me. It's gotten to the point that it's been so long to feel that genuine warmth from another human being... I can't even remember what it feels like any more.

It takes two to make a relationship work. As an ADDer I think it's great that you want to be supportive, but she needs to be supportive of you too.

Letting you do all the housework and then complain about it is unacceptable behaviour.

On the sex issue: Have you talked about why she doesn't want to have sex? Maybe she finds it difficult to sustain focus and that makes it less enjoyable.

From what you've written it seems like she is quite selfcentered.

Why is she in this relationship? Could it be possible that she sees you as more of a safety figure than a lover? I'm not saying it needs to be like that.

Is her ADD treated in any way? Medication? Therapy? Is there anything beside the ADD?

Have you tried to tell her how you feel? How does she react then?

um - sex: i have found that the less i have, the less i want. conversly, the more often we do have sex, the more often i want to have sex. and maybe she feels like because you do everything, this has become an obligation. there is no reason why, i spite of her add, she can't do a few things around the house, or get a job. there are plenty of jobs that an ADDer is good at.... just my 2 cents.

first of all i want to say that you are a real sweetheart by the sounds of it.i have ADD and we are difficult sometimes yes we are.I have many issues myself,like i just lost the best thing that happens to me and i know its not all my fault but mymoods are terrible at times,I will be the first to admit it.I am also very loving,i would do anything for anyone and that is the truth.I am hurting very bad right now over this but enough of my dramma,good luck with your gf and if you love him like you say and sound just walk away and count to 10.Have you thought of group therapy?

Sandra

Hi, I recently lost my bf (of 2 years) to a lot of the same issues you're talking about... I have ADD and never showed him how much I loved him even though I definately did more than anything! For me it was like I was constantly trying to play catch-up; I would ignore him for a while (not intentionally but stuff just kept on coming in the way.. like I moved and had a hard time adjusting and didn't ever call him for like a whole month - stuff like that) then when I realized what I was doing, and got back into a routine, I would call him all the time and want to be with him constantly. That comes from having a difficult time adjusting to changes, and I think it's very common.

I know that's not really what you posted about though, lol - I am so ADD I've already wandered from the topic!

About intimacy, yeah I've never been too good with that either, so I feel for your girlfriend. I'm 22 but I still feel like a middle-schooler when it comes to anything to do with sex. I'm somewhat afraid of the whole thing and whenever my bf wanted to make out with me I'd start LAUGHING!!! :eek: I know how horrible that sounds - it was just that I would get embarressed and didnt' really know what to do. After 2 years with him though I got a lot more comfortable with it - it took some getting used to him and also becoming more mature. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been together... or even if her problem is anything like mine was, but in general it's VERY common for ADDers to be less mature than their peers. I know I definatley am.

When it came down to it, I didn't give my boyfriend enough attention - not as much as he wanted by any means. I knew it was happening but couldn't stop it - my life was so chaotic (still is of course) becuase of school and everything else that I just couldn't give him the time I wanted to or should have. And then it made things worse becuase I would be late to everything we planned to do together - and he was SUPER punctual... he never understood how someone could be late if they realy wanted to be on time.

When he dumped me he told me it was becuase I was "just too irresponsable" among other things. Whenever I stayed overnight with him I wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning even when he yelled at me and rolled me out of bed - and then I'd miss class! I never blamed it on him by ANY means, but he hated having to deal with that and so he wouldn't let me stay overnight anymore. He started saying things like "Christiana, you can't come over - I know you won't be able to leave" - he took on sort of a parental role and that was really bad. He didn't like it at all and I think that really wore on him after a while. He didn't need to of course - I didn't WANT him to, and HE didnt' want to either, but he wanted to help me and he couldn't stand my not being responsible for myself. He was always very very nice and I know he loved me a lot, but in loving me he had to put up with so much crap that he just couldn't take it and finally left. It's really sad and I wish I could have seen it coming becuase I would have changed so many things... :(

So... I don't know what kind of advice to give you except to be careful NOT to take on a parental type role!! you shouldn't have to be doing the dishes and everything for her - she should be able to find a job, etc. Make sure when you tell her those things though, that you aren't sounding like an authority figure, but rather "encourage" her to do them for herself. You don't have to manipulate her into taking on her own responsability becuase she can probably do it just fine on her own IF she wants to.

From your post she really does sound very self-centered, but at the same time I know that doesn't nessecarily mean that she IS. I did a lot of things which made me look self-centered (some were, some werent) But in the long run she is only hurting herself by letting you take care of her that way.

I hope this helps a little!

Hi Ingodet,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. :)

ingodet I'm new and in quite the situation. I'm in love and living with a female add so. I am surprised how few men with ADD women posts here it seems mostly women with ADD husbands.

My husband and I both have ADD, so we can both speak on this matter.

I truly love my add gf and am totally committed to her. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

From what I have read, I will tell you you are doing too much for this woman. Yes, I can say that even with my own ADD.

I have no real problems with her add, such as her mood swings, her zoning out, her not hearing a word I say half the time, her inability to keep a train of thought in a conversation, or her awkward changes of subject randomly in the middle of things. I listen intently, I can keep up with her and also can manage to stay with her during her complain and moan sessions. She is also intensely physical and cannot sit still, always needing to do something with her hands such as twirling a pencil or playing with a bottlecap or just about anything. I find her quirky behavior actually cute and also do not mind having to repeat myself over and over very often.

Is your gf medicated? Is she receiving any treatment? Are you always going to be happy with a woman that will never hear a thing you say half the time? That behavior is not all ADD. She "can" work on her skills at communication, and become far more giving and humane than she is currently being. What is "cute" now, may one day become quite ugly. Have you thought of years ahead? It sounds as if she is doint nothing to help herself.

What I do mind is how she treats me in light of everything I do for her. I cook, clean, get the groceries, do the laundry and dishes, work and completely support her. She doesn't work and has a terrible fear of social settings so she's happy just to stay at home and keep busy doing a whole lot of nothing around the house. Despite this little sanctuary I've slaved to keep up to HER standards (yes, with all my constant work, toil and effort, she still insists on complaining about every and any imperfection or flaw in the house or with me), she has recently been treating me as if I am diseased or repulsive.

STOP. HOLD IT :) Go on strike. Stop doing all these things for her. Do you truly want to be her Father? That is what you are doing, unconsciously or not. If after all you are doing, you receive no compliments, or "thank you" for your efforts, she is not showing you love. She is using you. In my opinion, this is abusive, and the fact that she makes you feel diseased and repulsive is the result of feeling used. But you have to see that you are enabling her to act out this way. Not all is her ADD. She can do a lot of things.

I have gone on strike with my husband before. IT WORKED!!! I told him outright, I will not be your Mother. Finito! She cannot repect you as a Father figure, and that is the role you have placed yourself as being.

Sex? What's that. There hasn't been ANY this whole year at all, and not for several months last year. When we did have sex, it wasn't anything at all like sex as she would just put on some act with all the sincerity of an elementary school performance of Fiddler on the Roof, then zone out and want it over as quickly as possible. She would always insist on trying to ruin it before it even started and now doesn't want anything to do with it at all. She's been saying she's not ready, but will be ready soon.. but has been saying this for 6 months now.

I'm sorry. I truly am. She sounds incredibly self-indulgent to me. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? If not, all I can suggest apart from what I already have, is that you both go into some form of couples therapy and work out these issues.

For ADD women here, what is the key to make you respect and love a man? I am just so drained and out of ideas here... When we do get close, it only lasts a matter of minutes before she falls into babble mode of dragging out every single thing, and the same old things, that have ever been painful in her life. I just try to get comfortable because I know it's going to be at least a 2 hour melodrama of her going on and on, finally ending with her depressed and getting distant with me again. Repeat this every night for the past several months and I'm totally drained.

Same advice as above. Take on your role as a man. Do not let her belittle you any longer. Love cannot survive in an environment such as you have described.

I could really use some pointers for what I should be doing or what I can try to bring a little bit of warmth or intimacy in this relationship with her. While she contantly tells me how much she loves me, her actions just do not match her words. I totally understand she's in her own little world very often and I can live with that and dedicated to work on it, but being the only one working on the relationship the whole time is making me a sad and unhappy person, which I strive to be so positive, caring and giving for her sake.

The best pointer here is that it takes two who are "both" willing. When it is only one who does all the work on the relationship, where can it lead to true intimacy? If her actions do not match her words, how much are her words worth? The old saying, actions speak louder than words". It is a very true saying. Love is a verb, and not a noun. Many get that part wrong.

Those of you with boyfriends, please give them a tight hug and long, wonderful kiss that lasts several minutes for me. It's gotten to the point that it's been so long to feel that genuine warmth from another human being... I can't even remember what it feels like any more.

Your final paragraph sounds to me, and I may be wrong, that you are bordering on, or perhaps have a depression caused by all of this. Regardless, I would urge you to get some medical advice for youself, even if it means going without her if she refuses to go.
Lastly, stop being her Father figure. Let the house get run down, let the clothes all get dirty..........if you get the picture. I know, it's awful to watch, but worth the effort, and if she still doesn't care, that should tell you a great deal.

Despite all I have said, I truly wish that you find happiness. It is a rare and beautiful feeling to be truly loved, and everyone deserves it.

Take Care,
~Viktoria

Thank you so much for everyone that has contributed here. I am grateful for every bit of advice and reflection given here and I will make use of each and every suggestion and things shared here.

I think many here have indeed confirmed something I've felt all along- that I'm compensating a bit too much for what I considered something that needed special attention. I believe what brought the two of us together was a mutual enjoyment of our own strong will, but I've been inhibiting my own in order to create a more comfortable life for her. I've approached our problems in a verbal way with communication for months now and it is readily apparent I need to transition some actions to go along with them as they aren't sinking in.

To answer the question about meds and therapy, she's been off both as she had a falling out with her therapist and is disinterested in seeing another from the experience.

itsme- I hope your pain subsides soon. Remember that it always does, it's just a matter of time.

Christiana- your example was spot on and not a tangent. My gf also states how much she loves me then gets caught up in things she's interested in then neglects me/discards me. It's just she'll do so even sitting in the same room. It's definately the ADD since I do believe she loves me, but her mind wanders off track given how many goals and interests she's acquired while staying here.

ClearConfusion- thank you for the reality check. I believe when we started our relationship, my extra efforts were important, but not so much any more. She was recovering from a number of problems (drug addiction, alcoholism, abuse, etc.etc.) and my extra efforts got her back on track. As she's clean now and healthy, you're absolutely right that she is illustrating unacceptable behavior.

pembroke- thank you for your 2 cents. I feel as a man, it's the opposite for us.. the longer we go without it, the more we want it! LOL. I think you're right though. If my gf and I can cross the threshold and have a single good experience, I believe this will seal our future sex life.

and RhapsodyInBlue- thank you SO much for your highly detailed comments. I'm definately going to stop overcompensating for her condition and place some rules and deadlines on things. It's truly not unreasonable to have to move things to the next level given how many months of neglect have been going on here. I'm very reasonable and patient, maybe too much so in this case.

Thanks again for everyone that has rang in. I appreciate everyone's comments and wish you all much love, warmth and success! I hope I can work things out with my add gf and will definately report back how things go.

ingodet -- looks like you got some great advice and have been able to take a lot of what you can use. great! i'm glad you got so many positives from posting here. welcome to ADD Forums!

:D,

W.