View Full Version : Break up with ADD man


geministwin83
07-05-14, 11:51 PM
I would really appreciate some help and insight on this.

I met a man who I thought who came straight out of my dreams. He was so sweet, sensitive, smart, successful, handsome, polite, it was everything I wanted and more. He was very attentive and would text me every morning and night, he quickly told me he was in love with me, which I took as a red flag, but because he seemed so earnest, I let my guard down and really fell for him too. He is a lawyer and recently started his own firm so he was really busy, but made time for me twice a week. He kept telling me how crazy he was about me and I wanted to believe him, but I started sensing discrepancies. He told me he had ADD as a child, but it went away when he started reading. I didn't think too much of it until we broke up.

-our first 2 dates was at the same place, he seemed to have a hard time planning a date, our next 2 dates were from my previous suggestions.
-he was late for every single date during 3 months except 3 times. I didn't mind too much at first, except when our time was limited.
-our first 4 dates he passed out on me at some point during the date
-he often brings up suggestions of things to do, but never actually made plans for things, he would always say "oh we should do this, we should do that" and actually voice out an elaborate plan, but have no follow thru, I had to beg for him to plan a date, I had to say, either plan a date or I stop seeing you, because I assumed if a man wanted to date me, he would plan a date?
-very early on he would just be completely open with saying things like wanting to have kids, what our kids would look like, i thought it was a red flag
-one time he said he would love to travel with me because I would plan everything.
-The first time I invited him for dinner, he forgot about it, he did show up with flowers. I was upset, he kept asking me, if I was upset. It was early on dating, so I tried to contain myself, but I was really disappointed because I spent all day cooking the first meal for this guy, and he showed up at 10 PM
-One time he said he would bring take out and wine - he only brought wine
-Another time he said he would come over and bring take out, and brought nothing
- Third time, I gave him another chance and he said he would bring take out, he showed up an hour late, with no take out, and drunk, professing his love for me. I was very annoyed.
-I needed to pick up 3 items in the grocery store, we went in together, then he disappeared, I looked everywhere for him and he went back to his car.
-Another time I asked him to take me grocery shopping and he agreed happily, he was half an hour late, we went into the store together but then he just went back to his car. I thought it was so weird, because I thought it was something we could do together.
-he tells me he has a lot of anxiety and has trouble with sleeping
-he tells me he is hyperactive in the morning and can't stay still
-he said he likes to read a lot, it seemed like it was bothersome in his last relationship
-he often says that he is different
-he seems to have a body image issues? He gets so excited when I compliment him, which is odd because he is so sexy and handsome.
-I felt he was very child-like sometimes, and I felt I was mothering him a lot.
-I was having an upcoming birthday and he seemed really concerned about it being planned in advanced, and kept saying how stressed out he was about it because he wanted me to feel special and not let down, ultimately, I was let down as he ended things with me around that time.

I didn't think about the ADD at all during the relationship, I was just bothered by how it seemed that he didn't listen to me, sometimes he looked distracted while we were together, showing up late especially when we had limited time together, saying he would do things and not doing them, to me it came off as uncaring, and untrustworthy. He kept saying that he can prove himself to me. I was focusing on him making an effort on dates, the "normalcy" that comes with dating. It didn't seem like he understood where my feelings were coming from but he had said to me that he is a very empathic person and sometimes feels too much. His last relationship was for 6 years and it ended because she didn't want to have kids, especially raising them on her own with his busy career (or so he tells me). He said he doesn't date much, but then made reference that recently he did have something quick to fizzle so he wanted to take it slow with me, which didn't happen!

Before he ended things, we had a discussion about spending quality time together, he always said he was really happy with me but I didn't feel it because his actions didn't add up, but at the same time he was very attentive in his texts and messages. He said he understood my need for more time together but that it really gets him down that the person he cares about doesn't seem to appreciate the effort he makes and is always criticizing him, but that he would be committed to making us happy. I gave him some space. And soon after that he seemed distant, he cancelled my birthday plans, and ended things with me on the phone a few weeks later. He said it would be harder to do in person, and that he couldn't give me what I needed, it wasn't fair to me, he doesn't have time to grow a relationship and that we would just end up breaking up in 6 months anyway, that he came to this decision recently, and he needed space.

At first I was OK with it, because I had written him off as someone who was lazy and didn't make an effort, but after realizing that most of my issues were symptoms and not his character, I feel really bad. I didn't want to nag him, but I did, because I didn't understand why he kept saying so many things and not doing them. He seemed to really try, and he seemed so sweet, yet seemed so oblivious to my feelings most of the time. Right now he is standing by that things are not working out because of timing with work, and he said he was honest with his feelings.

I am extremely hurt because his feelings changed from being in love and wanting to work things out, to ending things. He asked me how I thought things were going, and I said it was terrible, because I didn't understand so many things. But now that I do, is there a point? Because I truly care for him and think he is an amazing person.

sarahsweets
07-06-14, 08:22 AM
regardless of whether its adhd-and some of things seem like adhd- he has some other emotional instabilities that give me red flags. His intense emotional professions via texts but lack of involvement in person, throwing out he wants kids early on, saying he hasnt had any real relationships since his 6 year one, then changing it to a recent one that fizzeled-they all strike me as someone who has quite a few emotional swings that may go beyond the adhd label. His level of distraction and forgetfulness is a definite adhd symptom but I wonder if he ever was evaluated for anything else because he seems like he has something else going on. Regardless, he obviously had am unwillingness to change whether unconscious or not, and you wont be happy and cant change him. You cant beat yourself up for what you didnt know. Its like if you had a child who did terrible in school and after the fact you found out they had a vision problem and couldnt see the board. You didnt know this and it wouldnt make you a terrible parent/ You are extremely hurt and you have a right to be! I dont think he was really in love, I think it was a case of infatuation. I dont think someone in love could suddenly, without warning lose that feeling and break up with someone. Not to mention he took the easy way out and broke up with you on the phone. Try your best to heal and move on. There is someone out there much more suited for you.

kittyb21
07-06-14, 08:50 AM
I've just has a very similar situation to the OP.

The BF and I mutually agreed to separate but the 'relationship' was strikingly similar. Talk of marriage and children very, very early on. Saying one thing one day and almost the polar opposite the next.

It is very confusing and incredibly hurtful. Whilst I don't know why the behaviours are as they are, they are 'their' behaviours and not ours. And until or if, they deal with issues they have, I don't think there is a relationship to be had.

I am finding it very, very difficult not to contact my ex, but I know it would be incredibly unhealthy and end up making things worse. I have written numerous messages and then deleted them, I recommend this it can be quite therapeutic.

Try and stay strong, and be kind to yourself. xx

kittyb21
07-06-14, 11:02 AM
I didn't want to nag him, but I did, because I didn't understand why he kept saying so many things and not doing them.

just to say I didn't nag my ex, and it made no difference to the outcome, so don't feel bad.

x

geministwin83
07-06-14, 05:38 PM
Thank you both.

His emotional professions went from saying that I was perfect, that he was so lucky to have me in his life and so much in love with me, and the talk of children I assume was because he and his ex broke up because she didn't want children with him (did not want to raise children alone as he worked), I eventually was fed up with him talking about children all the time, and told him to stop bringing it up and he should focus on the present first before the future and get to know me.

I was extremely level headed at first, but gave in to him, I guess his "hyperfocus" was on me, it was very intense. But mainly in texts. In person, because he was so tired and overwhelmed with his job, I gave him a break. He always talked of compromise and made a list to change and better himself, but would just forget. He said I should just remind him.

It is incredibly hurtful, because where as he can just forget and dismiss his feelings of infatuation, I had genuine feelings of care for him, and often didn't feel appreciated. He always said he cared so much. You're right about it being their issues, I dont even think he can recognize his issues.

Another thing was that he was so child-like. It was so confusing. He worked for one of the major law firms in the country, after passing the bar, and now started his own with a partner. So he must excel at his profession. But together, he was so child-like. Again, it can be argued that men are just babies. The first present he bought me, he was so excited about it, he kept saying he was so excited! he can't keep secrets, he had went to babies r us to get a gift for somebody's baby shower, and picked me up a monkey security blanket. He loved it, he kept saying it was so soft. It was a very sweet gesture. Maybe I have no heart, but it seemed a bit odd also? Another incident, we had a late dinner and I fed him cake late at night, he was ready to pass out and I told him to brush his teeth but he went straight to bed and kept saying 5 more minutes, and had such a hard time getting him to brush his teeth. He didn't want to brush his teeth because he wanted the taste of cake in his mouth. I took the blankets off him and threw them to the floor and told him to brush his teeth as the sugar would rot his mouth. I felt like SUCH A MOM.

Sorry, I did write letters and I did send them. He did respond saying he has no doubt I will find someone to suit my needs and that he is enriched for having met me, that timing played a part of this not working and that he was honest with his feelings.

burger
07-14-14, 09:33 AM
I think his actions and stuff should be raising a ton of red flags for you. Firstly when someone breaks up with you it is often best to leave it be. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they love you back. Anyways just be happy he's gone and that you didn't have to do the breakup. Some of his faults are consistent with add but he probably has much larger problems. There's tons of variables which could account for other stuff.


ps brushing your teeth after eating sugar isn't recommended your supposed to wait an hour.

Sunlovinlady
07-16-14, 06:45 PM
Sounds like you are better off without him. He needs to learn some things on his own like coping skills and time management and doesn't sound ready for something real. He may be right about the timing of it. He probably really did like you but doesn't know how to be the man you need. You'll meet someone better for you and you'll be glad you didn't settle. You don't want to end up unhappy just caretaking for someone. You probably saw in him a few of the things that you actually do want like the attentiveness and sweetness he showed you. Just look for someone like that who has it more together. You are right you watch for red flags. I don't know how old you are but it seems that guys in their 30's and above have more baggage in general. They have either been hurt, don't really want to settle down, are divorced with kids, have emotional issues, etc.

Flory
07-16-14, 06:49 PM
ADHD or not this guy sounds like a complete bell end....kick him to the curb sister

geministwin83
07-16-14, 08:50 PM
I think his actions and stuff should be raising a ton of red flags for you. Firstly when someone breaks up with you it is often best to leave it be. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they love you back. Anyways just be happy he's gone and that you didn't have to do the breakup. Some of his faults are consistent with add but he probably has much larger problems. There's tons of variables which could account for other stuff.


ps brushing your teeth after eating sugar isn't recommended your supposed to wait an hour.

lol - really? re: brushing teeth. But we were going to bed. hahaha.
anyway - it was so weird because it just happened, after he said he loves being with me, that he is committed to us being happy, then he just decided against it. I wrote a few emails, and he wrote back, the theme of his statements are that he can't give me what I need and that he needs space. Most of you guys, from reading what I have written have pointed out he may have larger problems, this is very interesting.

Sounds like you are better off without him. He needs to learn some things on his own like coping skills and time management and doesn't sound ready for something real. He may be right about the timing of it. He probably really did like you but doesn't know how to be the man you need. You'll meet someone better for you and you'll be glad you didn't settle. You don't want to end up unhappy just caretaking for someone. You probably saw in him a few of the things that you actually do want like the attentiveness and sweetness he showed you. Just look for someone like that who has it more together. You are right you watch for red flags. I don't know how old you are but it seems that guys in their 30's and above have more baggage in general. They have either been hurt, don't really want to settle down, are divorced with kids, have emotional issues, etc.

I understand his life is based on billable hours, and he just started his business, and his partner left for a few weeks, that's when it went down, I understand he doesn't have time.... He kept saying it was timing, but it didn't make sense, that if someone was in love with someone, you don't just call it quits so easily, so it must not have been real, the way he tells me he meant everything he said, makes me feel ever worse, like what changed? Except reading all the posts here, I can understand how someone can just lose interest so quickly, or withdraw, or who knows maybe I am a terrible person. He had so many qualities that I had been searching for: polite, smart, open to communication, open to change, so sweet and so genuine... like a child... it's the weirdest thing, he is so brilliant and smart, yet so simple, in the things he says, blurts out, is so childlike sometimes. We are both 31, and he just ended a 6 year relationship almost a year ago, because she didn't want his children. He needed prodding to do everything. I can't believe how he had a gf for so long acting as oblivious as he does, and I can't tell if its a schtick or he legit is so clueless about modern dating... I love his heart, but yes, I do not want to be his care taker. I really felt like a mother. I still feel like making sure he is OKAY and knows how much I cared because things that come out of him, makes me feel that he has low self esteem or victim mentality. For example, me laughing at something he said, and he saying for me to laugh, he's used to it, he used to be bullied so it doesn't bother him anymore... my heart tore apart... and sometimes I would tell him how I feel and he would say I was making him feel bad... that annoyed me... It was like he didn't care about how I felt, just his own feelings... BUT THIS ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

And. Flory. yes. yes. a complete bell end. LOL. you guys are awesome.

Jayson
07-20-14, 01:33 AM
I think I can help a little bit with this. I'm a dude that is / was a lot like the fella you are talking about.

I've only been diagnosed a month, so ive been doing a lot of looking back and seeing how my actions at certain times could have been influenced or directly attributed to ADD.

The beginning of your relationship is TEXTBOOK hyperfocus. If you get with an ADHD guy you are going to have a really memorable romance... until you become routine. I'm sorry to say that it really doesn't last. There will become a time that you will be put on the back burner for other interests. IT DOESN'T MEAN HE ISN'T STILL INTERESTED. He is ADD... we can't help but hyperfocus on what interests us "at the time"

its at this point in a relationship (I've had many such as this in the past) that he's feeling overwhelmed, he is probably feeling guilty that he "should" be spending more time with you and doing the things you expect him to do, but he can't so he feels more guilty and then it goes on and on until he's simply too frustrated and decides to cut you loose.

Ive been in his shoes so many times...

I recommend you leave him alone. I don't think he's got anything particularly wrong with him, its just that if you are with someone with ADHD, you aren't dating a typical person. A lot more responsibility is going to fall on your shoulders if you want to have a "normal" household. You are either going to have to willingly accept the responsibility and be with a brilliant, adventurous, intelligent, ambitious, socially inept, irresponsible, lazy and self absorbed person. For every bad thing the ADD gives him he is rewarded with equally impressive traits. None of those traits will benefit YOU in any way, and all of the responsibilities he ignores because of it will fall on YOUR shoulders. If you decide to go with him, and then cant handle the added responsibility and being ignored, you are going to make his life and YOUR life hell.

Left alone, I'd say most ADD folks are generally happy. Its not until we are aggravated by social responsibilities that we get angry and life becomes terrible for everyone involved. Left alone we are content to wile away thousands of hours and become exceptionally skilled at whatever it is we have our minds on. We'll neither go out of our way to make your life happier, nor go out of our way to make it more difficult (except for ignoring responsibilities of course)

Now, understand that my comments here are pretty general. every person is going to be different and maybe your ex isn't anything like what I've been saying, but if you read my words here you will have a pretty general idea of what is like to be with someone that has ADHD.

You've said it already yourself. He is Brilliant and a child. The child is what you'll be with in the end, and the brilliance will only be for him and the world.

I wish it were otherwise.

geministwin83
07-21-14, 11:35 PM
I recommend you leave him alone. I don't think he's got anything particularly wrong with him, its just that if you are with someone with ADHD, you aren't dating a typical person. A lot more responsibility is going to fall on your shoulders if you want to have a "normal" household. You are either going to have to willingly accept the responsibility and be with a brilliant, adventurous, intelligent, ambitious, socially inept, irresponsible, lazy and self absorbed person. For every bad thing the ADD gives him he is rewarded with equally impressive traits. None of those traits will benefit YOU in any way, and all of the responsibilities he ignores because of it will fall on YOUR shoulders. If you decide to go with him, and then cant handle the added responsibility and being ignored, you are going to make his life and YOUR life hell.

OMG jayson I laughed so much from your post!!!!
Well I have to say, romance wise, he only pursued me with words, and his need to see me, he had to see me. But he never courted me as much as I asked for it, to have a date, but it was memorable because he seemed to genuine about it.

I think he was really stressing out about my bday too, he was stressing out about it 2 months before, but when it finally came he just gave up, he pretty much broke up with me around then. He was so concerned for so long that I would feel special, but in the end, he broke my heart the most. I think there is something wrong with that, he never acknowledged he had ADD, only as a child, he never explained any of his behavior. He should be more self aware that his actions affect people so negatively. He really is so socially inept, yet he volunteers, is on the board of directors of a cultural society and business association? What?

You're right. He doesn't go out of his way to make me happier. Yes, he is courteous and polite and kind, but not very thoughtful or caring in a doting way, i would have to tell him everything step by step by step...-and ignoring responsibilities, if he didn't assign himself the responsibilities in the first place, I wouldn't have expectations, he just doesn't stop sayin things but not performing.

He is so handsome and successful but seems to have low self esteem? Is that normal also?

RobboW
07-21-14, 11:45 PM
I think I can help a little bit with this. I'm a dude that is / was a lot like the fella you are talking about.

I've only been diagnosed a month, so ive been doing a lot of looking back and seeing how my actions at certain times could have been influenced or directly attributed to ADD.

The beginning of your relationship is TEXTBOOK hyperfocus. If you get with an ADHD guy you are going to have a really memorable romance... until you become routine. I'm sorry to say that it really doesn't last. There will become a time that you will be put on the back burner for other interests. IT DOESN'T MEAN HE ISN'T STILL INTERESTED. He is ADD... we can't help but hyperfocus on what interests us "at the time"

its at this point in a relationship (I've had many such as this in the past) that he's feeling overwhelmed, he is probably feeling guilty that he "should" be spending more time with you and doing the things you expect him to do, but he can't so he feels more guilty and then it goes on and on until he's simply too frustrated and decides to cut you loose.

Ive been in his shoes so many times...

I recommend you leave him alone. I don't think he's got anything particularly wrong with him, its just that if you are with someone with ADHD, you aren't dating a typical person. A lot more responsibility is going to fall on your shoulders if you want to have a "normal" household. You are either going to have to willingly accept the responsibility and be with a brilliant, adventurous, intelligent, ambitious, socially inept, irresponsible, lazy and self absorbed person. For every bad thing the ADD gives him he is rewarded with equally impressive traits. None of those traits will benefit YOU in any way, and all of the responsibilities he ignores because of it will fall on YOUR shoulders. If you decide to go with him, and then cant handle the added responsibility and being ignored, you are going to make his life and YOUR life hell.

Left alone, I'd say most ADD folks are generally happy. Its not until we are aggravated by social responsibilities that we get angry and life becomes terrible for everyone involved. Left alone we are content to wile away thousands of hours and become exceptionally skilled at whatever it is we have our minds on. We'll neither go out of our way to make your life happier, nor go out of our way to make it more difficult (except for ignoring responsibilities of course)

Now, understand that my comments here are pretty general. every person is going to be different and maybe your ex isn't anything like what I've been saying, but if you read my words here you will have a pretty general idea of what is like to be with someone that has ADHD.

You've said it already yourself. He is Brilliant and a child. The child is what you'll be with in the end, and the brilliance will only be for him and the world.

I wish it were otherwise.

This is so true of me. I couldn't have put it better myself, maybe coz I'm not medicated and couldn't describe it properly? I haven't had lots of relationships though. Been married a long time and have four children. The responsibilities are mounting up and my relationship is slowly falling apart.

I have to ask, how did medication change you?

someothertime
07-22-14, 02:49 AM
In an indirect way... it's the school of experience singing...

I think the key thing here is not to go too far down the route of "people" and "choices" and "right and wrongs" and what not...

More than his feelings changing, it was more likely his comfort level / challenge / bait. Sounds harsh but it's the best way I can put it and it's no judgement on his integrity or capacity as a whole.

Some good advice in here..... but above it all... please remind yourself every time you think of choices by him... their governance is more a product of elements... none of which you can deliberately control. ( or should for that manner )...

Key thing is..... relationships are dynamic.... they are mutual.... and this is the crux.... the bitter sweet..... yes..... sweet....... I hope you get to a stage and you can remember this guy and smile...... remember the sweet times with a sprinkle of bitter.... and deep down savour the duality of the two person dynamic.....

So.... it's more about resolving / reframing rather than reasoning now.... Peace to you and I hope the next Mr dances a reciprocal jive mosh.

Jayson
07-22-14, 09:53 AM
OMG jayson I laughed so much from your post!!!!
Well I have to say, romance wise, he only pursued me with words, and his need to see me, he had to see me. But he never courted me as much as I asked for it, to have a date, but it was memorable because he seemed to genuine about it.

I think he was really stressing out about my bday too, he was stressing out about it 2 months before, but when it finally came he just gave up, he pretty much broke up with me around then. He was so concerned for so long that I would feel special, but in the end, he broke my heart the most. I think there is something wrong with that, he never acknowledged he had ADD, only as a child, he never explained any of his behavior. He should be more self aware that his actions affect people so negatively. He really is so socially inept, yet he volunteers, is on the board of directors of a cultural society and business association? What?

You're right. He doesn't go out of his way to make me happier. Yes, he is courteous and polite and kind, but not very thoughtful or caring in a doting way, i would have to tell him everything step by step by step...-and ignoring responsibilities, if he didn't assign himself the responsibilities in the first place, I wouldn't have expectations, he just doesn't stop sayin things but not performing.

He is so handsome and successful but seems to have low self esteem? Is that normal also?

a best guess to describe why he might assign himself the responsibilities is to both share a quote and explain hyperfocus.

I cant remember where I read this, it might have been here on the forum or elsewhere. "I'm the guy you want on in the brainstorming session, but not necessarily the one you want on the team..." What this means is that we are an absolute wizard at the planning stage, but cant finish a project to save our lives. If you ever want conclusive evidence of someone you suspect having ADHD, look no further than how many projects he's got on the go, (lots) and how many he's ever finished (none). Lol thats me anyway, YMMV

Now hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus is where we are like a song on repeat. We just keep doing the same thing... untill something of sufficient importance interupts us. Then when that thing is out of the way, we do it some more, then again and again and again.... im not sure what triggers the end. For me its when I understand everything I can about it, I move on.

for example, I do some photography ( you can see some of it in the creative section of the forum) and by "some" I mean I have put more time and effort into it than most 5 year university students put in their studies. Ive absorbed it for the last 5 years to the point that people wont talk to me anymore because all I have to talk about is what new thing I learned. Ehen I work on an image in post I can spend 12 or 14 hours trying different things and making it look the best I can. If I get disturbed before I finish it, the image is then trashed... unfortunately I cant do it in sessions, its all or nothing.

ive recently taken up guitar. When I pick up the guitar the session usually lasts until the tape on my fingers get too many layers and I cant finger my frets anymore. The tape is to cover up the blisters. I dont usually blister until ive played 8 or 9 hours. Usually takes another 3 or 4 hours for me to add enough layers of tape to make it so I cant play anymore. Soon as I heal even a smidge, im playing untill they bleed again. And again... and again... this is hyperfocus. Normal people practice a little each night. I change the channel and the practice BECOMES my life. This is hyperfocus.

hyperfocus is the reason most ADHD relationships are so great. Being the focus of somebodies life feels pretty great. And thats what hurts the most in the end. Nothing worse than going from 100% of their attention to zero. Be lucky you didnt have to experience that. He did you a big favor leaving before that happend. It would have happened. Mark my words.

as far as the self esteem... thats an easy one. Everyone thinks self esteem is a product of looks. Its not. Self esteem is derived from confidence. Confidence is created from a history of positive experience. So if he has a history of social failures, that would explain his low confidence in a social setting.

hope that helps :)


This is so true of me. I couldn't have put it better myself, maybe coz I'm not medicated and couldn't describe it properly? I haven't had lots of relationships though. Been married a long time and have four children. The responsibilities are mounting up and my relationship is slowly falling apart.

I have to ask, how did medication change you?

Hi, im sorry to hear about your marrage. I can relate though, mine was/is going badly too.

how has the meds changed me? Well I Im still trying to articulate that myself. There are a great many SUBTLE changes. None of them in my personality or my intelligence though which is great.

I'll try and make a list of all the changes ive noticed, its going to be a bit of a mess though because im still working it out.

all my life ive been in a hurry. I had to do everything as fast as I could. Ive had drug tests forced on me at work in the past because they thought I was on speed. If I had to go get a tool, I ran, if I on the highway I did 20, 30k over the speed limit. Even if I wasnt in a hurry or had planned to make a stop somewhere, I just couldnt. I had to GO.
If im not going just a wee bit faster than everyone else on the road I would get what I now know is anxiety. I used to just sy that if I don't It would fck me up. Well the fck me up was anxiety.

And really when it all comes down to brass tacks, I can say that there were a lot of situations that made me feel anxiety, and the medication, when its doing its job, takes care of the anxiety.

being in a large group, anxiety
being reminded to mow the lawn, anxiety
Wife calls for me to stop at the grocery store, anxiety
wife wants to stop at a scenic place while we're on vacation, anxiety
Being interupted from my hyperfocus, anxiety...

These are just a small sample of the things that caused me to have anxiety and the anxiety is really the thing that affected my marrage the most. Take the pill... no more anxiety. No anxiety means that im free to do all thos things I mentioned and all the things I didnt without getting all fcked up about it.

without thi pill if the wife asks me something I get anxiety over... then I just cant do it. Then the wife gets mad, then I get mad too because im all fcked up about it and I simply cant help it, I CANT do it. Big fight ensues, another nail in the coffin for my marraige.

its a lot more than just fixing anxiety though.

im no longer distracted by every leaf on the tree, I can have a tv turned on in my presence without being compleately drawn into it or having to fight myself not to look at it. I can listen to someone talk without trying to finish their sentinces for them. I can listen to someone talk and not get distracted by something and then forgetting they were talking to me in the first place. I can acually SPEAK a whole thought without loosing it half way through...

Again, there are a LOT more things that are different that I just cant put into words just now.

there are a lot of things that havent changed too though. The pill hasnt made me WANT to do the things I didnt like doing before. I still dont like going to parties, I still dont like mowing the lawn, I still dont like stopping at the grocery store... the only difference is that I now have the CHOICE to do it anyway.

Another really important thing that has changed is that I no longer hyperfocus. I really miss it. Really really miss it. The hyperfocus was my edge. My ace up the sleeve, my super power... it was the thing that made me better than everyone else. With hyperfocus I could change the world. When im on the med im just another poor sod mowing the lawn...

TheChemicals
07-22-14, 03:57 PM
I think he meant what he said and thinks youre something special....but add ya know.

Pilgrim
07-23-14, 11:32 AM
Really like the way Jayson put it. I can remember when my hyperfocuse was my secret weapon. I like the way you described you before and after meds.
Robbo I think with the medication the way it will really help you and your marrige ( from my experience ) women like a bloke that they think can do the thinking for them and if you can't it's a recipe for disaster. I don't think people like what they don't understand
The medication will open certain other doors I think. Although it will only last 8 hours ish.

geministwin83
07-23-14, 12:53 PM
Oh Jayson

Thanks so much for your explanations, and I saw your post about what you are currently going through. You say he did me a favour, i guess, like all other sorts of relationships that end too early, you always wonder, where it could have gone. I was already falling in love with him, and in a way that, I knew it could have been real, because I put his happiness, his well being before mine, I was concerned with him first, and... for example, there was a lump I had that I never had checked out, but when he came into my life, I panicked and had to find out what it was, because, I guess life just meant more to me, and I didn't want to die on him... and this was quite a short relationship...

He had a thing about not wanting labels, against "normalcy", and as great a communicator that he is, never explained this side of things, unfortunately, the reasons I loved about him was because the last year I dated such terrible people who were disingenuous and just terrible on the inside, and while he displayed so much sincerity, those actions of ADD, also mimic the actions of the terrible people i knew. Being so late that I thought I was being stood up, being all talk and no action, being selfish and lazy... how am i suppose to know? How am I suppose to take him as is when history tells me that these are red flags.

I remember he was very upset because he didn't want me to think his memory deficit reflected on how he felt about me.

Oh those brainstorming ideas. Let's do this and that and I will do this <IN DETAIL> and then do, nothing. Our first date, I told him I was free in the afternoon, I gave him a week before we met and he said he would plan something. We ended up meeting at 8:30PM by a corner pub by my house. I was like, this.... this took him a week to plan???????

His hyperfocus must have worn off. I can't get over how callous he sounds. And he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. I mean I dont know if he has, because this is just him. He only apologizes if I FELT LET DOWN, not that he has let me know, but if I felt that he has.

he drives really slow. lol.

And about self esteem - he is really confident. not in an arrogant way, but very self assured and confident (lawyer!), but then sometimes, so vulnerable, sometimes I feel a victim mentality,

I don't know.

Clearly I have issues, you all have given me such wonderful explanations, for myself, just so hard to have someone tell you you are perfect, and they are so lucky to have you, and they are committed to our happiness, to just, flick. switch, gone.

geministwin83
07-23-14, 01:48 PM
It's been a month today since we broke up and I am a lot calmer now.

I still have a lot of deep feelings for him, and I do want to see what it would be like, to have a relationship with this knowledge. When he broke up with me he said "this was better than breaking up in 6 months", and every time before when I was upset about something, like about him not following through, or being an hour late, or forgetting a date, ETC things a normal girl would be upset about at a normal date, but he's not... I wasn't even THAT upset, I never yelled or behaved in an inappropriate manner, well to me, just, hurt and disappointed... Every I was upset he would be at the edge of his seat thinking I was going to break up with him. I want to give him space, and I held a lot of my emotions back, because I was still trying to figure out if I could trust him or not. I guess he will never know or remember, or realize the subtle things I did to show him I cared. I tried so hard. I dont think I've ever tried so hard to try to understand someone, to be patient with someone, to think about them and how my actions would affect them, like EVER....

Is there a point to reach out in the future? He has a lot going on for him right now. It's hard because he said he felt really connected to me, in a post break up email, usually people don't throw those away so easily.

ADDinWA2014
07-26-14, 03:04 AM
I am a woman with ADD but whose BF has severe depression and very similar to the man you dated. I do hyper focus and men love this, but to my detriment, I don't notice flaws like I should and tend to put men on pedestals, which may explain why this man of yours acted so romantically, even excessively, at first.

Here are some things my BF shares with this man - lack of sleep (which can cause all kinds of weirdness - from passing out to forgetting everything etc), going out to his car while we were doing things (this is often from lack of sleep), being late for things (he would forget what time it was and then just text me 2 hours later), lack of confidence (my BF is a 15 out of 10 in he looks department and he too has low self confidence because of his history of failure due to depression), and his desire to break up (like the other poster said, his feelings don't change about me, but when it becomes apparent to him that he can't make me happy or can't give me what I need, he can easily cut off his feelings and try to break up. For him, it's my ADD issues that cause communication issues and this drives him crazy), he is extremely sensitive and loving (just like your ex, so it's really hard to let to isn't it?)

I suspect he has many other problems like my BF - but honestly unless we can with 100% live with the odd behavior, and be happy with what we are given, it's probably best to move on.

Kelleigh16
08-13-14, 03:13 PM
Now hyperfocus.

hyperfocus is the reason most ADHD relationships are so great. Being the focus of somebodies life feels pretty great. And thats what hurts the most in the end. Nothing worse than going from 100% of their attention to zero. Be lucky you didnt have to experience that. He did you a big favor leaving before that happend. It would have happened. Mark my word.

Hi Jasyon.

I am in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He takes medication and his symptoms are well controlled. We have been together for almost six months. He has been off his meds for a few weeks due to an insurance issue. He has definitely been a lot less attentive, less affectionate, more selfish, and more critical. He will go back on his meds in September.

I am afraid that even on medication he will lose his hyperfocus on me and it will feel like the past few weeks have felt. I am not a needy person, but I do need affection and attention from a partner in order to be satisfied. You said you were married. I'm curious. Did you hyperfocus on your wife? When did it end? Do you pay attention to your wife now? Are you affectionate towards her? I know a lot of ADHD partners say that their love doesn't go away and their feelings don't change after hyperfocus ends. I wouldn't really care if my bf still loved me and cared for me if his actions never supported his words. I don't really understand how anyone can be content in a relationship where a person says they love you, but then they completely ignore you and take you for granted.

I may be way off on this hyperfocus thing, but every time someone posts about it they make it seem like one day my ADHD boyfriend will not be the same person I fell in love with and if that is the case I may as well end it now.

Fraser_0762
08-13-14, 03:20 PM
I'm just going to start wearing t-shirts with images of red flags on them.... you know, just so all the ladies queuing up for a date know well in advance. :D

Jayson
08-17-14, 05:39 PM
Hi Jasyon.

I am in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He takes medication and his symptoms are well controlled. We have been together for almost six months. He has been off his meds for a few weeks due to an insurance issue. He has definitely been a lot less attentive, less affectionate, more selfish, and more critical. He will go back on his meds in September.

I am afraid that even on medication he will lose his hyperfocus on me and it will feel like the past few weeks have felt. I am not a needy person, but I do need affection and attention from a partner in order to be satisfied. You said you were married. I'm curious. Did you hyperfocus on your wife? When did it end? Do you pay attention to your wife now? Are you affectionate towards her? I know a lot of ADHD partners say that their love doesn't go away and their feelings don't change after hyperfocus ends. I wouldn't really care if my bf still loved me and cared for me if his actions never supported his words. I don't really understand how anyone can be content in a relationship where a person says they love you, but then they completely ignore you and take you for granted.

I may be way off on this hyperfocus thing, but every time someone posts about it they make it seem like one day my ADHD boyfriend will not be the same person I fell in love with and if that is the case I may as well end it now.

I'm trying to imagine a scenario that you might encounter where it would be similar enough to hyperfocus that you might be able to understand what it is.

The closest I can imagine would be if you were watching your favorite tv show and it was at the best part of the season finale and someone comes in and stands in front of the tv and asks you a stupid question and wont go away. That is what your boyfriend is dealing with when he is focused on something. If he ******* because you are bothering him, or becomes angry or frustrated with the interruption, just think of how you would feel about that person standing in front of the tv. Unfortunatly for us that hyperfocus, life does go on. we HAVE to stop what we are doing even though we really really don't want to.

Imagine that person was standing in front of the TV because you were bing watching a tv show on Netflix and you called in sick for work, ignored your kids and all obligations. Even though you know you should probably stop, you really don't want to. That is hyperfocus. We focus until it becomes a problem.

I've thought long and hard about the pros and cons of the medication. I work in a field where this kind of medication is a pretty serious thing. There is a lot of drug testing and I've had to clear it with a lot of people before I was even allowed to go on location with it. I had to decide if the medication was worth all that hassle. I mean, I'm 35 years old and have been super successful without it. I've been married for 8 years and have an awesome 4 year old daughter. None of the success or marrage or child has come without problems though. there were a lot of issues that, once I realized I had ADHD, lit up like a great big red flag. it became SO obvious where the problem really lay (me)

I'm on my third month with the medication and I have some observations that are relevant to your question, but first I'll answer some of your other questions.

When I met my wife she was my everything. She was the most important thing in my life. She was all I thought of from when I woke up until I went to bed. I talked to her as often as I could, saw her every chance I got. Looking back I imagine that I was either the epitome of what a woman wants from a man, or a borderline stalker, depending on the feelings of the lady involved ;)

Looking back on my life, I can see that I can keep something hyperfocused until I know just about everything there is to know about it. This can take a day, a year, 5 years... when I understand all that I can, I look for something else.

I can't say I've ever lost interest in my wife. after all, how do you ever know or understand a person completely.. impossible really. but I would say that I never "lost" interest in her, it was only that other things became interesting too. When we moved in together is really when I started paying less attention to her. When we lived apart, I still had time to myself and my interests, but once we lived together, any time I spent not paying attention to her, caused problems. A pair of happily married newly weds are supposed to spend 24h a day, 7 days a week, 365days a year together right??? (rolls eyes) not for me... I need my space. I need my "me" time.

Once we were married and living together I had to fight for any time alone that I could get. This meant that any chance I got to be alone, or do my thing, I would take it. As time went by, she demanded less of my time, but my habit of occupying my time as much as I could didn't stop and I ended up spending ALL my time on my own and doing my own things. Over the years this has obviously caused a lot of problems. I cant tell you how many times my wife has threatened to leave, and I've thought of leaving. I really don't know why she didn't go, but I'm glad she didn't. I can honestly say that through it all I never loved her any less. Even when I wanted to leave, it was because I wanted the fighting to end, not because I didn't love her.

Lets fast forward to about 6 months ago.

About 6 months ago (ish) is when I first suspected that I had ADHD. I started doing a lot of research into it (read: hyperfocused on it) and I became convinced. I tried bringing it up to my wife, but she is from a culture where any kind of disability is absolutely frowned upon. A person simply NEVER admitted any kind of weakness of the mind. She absolutely flat refused to even CONSIDER that I had ADHD and absolutely flat out refused to talk about it. I had a million things to show her that was more than proof enough. Accounts from other wives and girlfriends like you, who asked the same questions she had a million times, but she refused to look. It was a very trying time for me because it was a time that I needed the support of my wife, and I didn't have it.

Behind her back I made appointments to have myself evaluated for ADHD, which I was unsurprised to be diagnosed. I was issued medication for it and that was the start of the turn around.

Before I go on, I want you to understand that there is a LOOOOOOOT more going on with a person that has ADHD than hyperfocus. Hyperfocus is really just a survival mechanism for us because we are SO distracted by everything, that the only way we can tune out the chaos is to be completely absorbed into something.

"attention deficit" is a bit of a joke really. It really should be called "attention to everything disorder" because when I'm not on my medication I see and hear EVERYTHING. If there is a quite noise, I hear it, if there is a flutter of a leaf in a tree, I saw it, if there is a mouse peaking around the corner, I look at it. I miss NOTHING. My life is like the radio tuned to every station at once, if I concentrate I can focus on one station for a bit, but then the other stations get louder the longer I concentrate and it becomes exponentially more difficult to focus on the one I want.

The other major part for me is the anxiety. Now, before I started looking into this I didn't have any idea what this anxiety thing was. I've heard of it, but that was a problem for someone else, so I didn't pay any attention to it. Turns out, Anxiety has been ruining my life for the last 35 years.

If I'm faced with a situation I don't want to be in, or have to do something I don't want to do my brain pulls the keys out of the ignition and I get extreme anxiety. I feel sick, my mind goes into a fog, I can't think, I can't function, I get angry, frustrated and I'll get a headache. Nobody wants to do the things they don't want to do, but for someone with ADHD, there is a devastating negative physical reaction and we CANT do it. No matter how much we WANT to do it, we CANT do it (and I mean want in the way we don't want to live in a pigsty, but can't bring ourselves to actually clean)

I also get anxiety in almost all social situations (talk to someone I don't know on the phone, go to a party, sit down with a group...) and I also get anxiety when faced with confrontation.

Any of those 3 (and others im sure that I haven't noticed yet) situations and you can bet I'm going to react very negatively. (aka, time to have a fight)

The lack of focus problem is mostly a personal problem. it doesn't affect the people around us so much except when our lack of productivity is causing someone else problems. BUT the anxiety we feel when we have to do something we don't want to do (like stop hyperfocusing so we can go for dinner with our loved ones) causes massive amounts of problems for all aspects of our lives. I can't speak for everyone, but I get really angry when I feel this anxiety. I get angry when someone even suggests I do something I can't do because I'm already thinking about the anxiety its going to cause. Because I also get anxiety when faced with confrontation, most of the time its a double whammy of anxiety because I can't do what I'm asked, I know its going to be a fight, and I can't express myself because I don't want a confrontation.

What I'm saying is, most of the time my anger and ******* ways are because of the anxiety.

NOW TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION IN FULL.

The pill gives me control of the radio. I can tune it to any station I want, for as long as I want and I don't hear or see anything I don't want to. I can choose to ignore the TV (anathema to me off the pill), I can choose to ignore the conversation of the people in the booth next to me at the restaurant, I can CHOOSE.

The pill also turns on the part of the brain that isn't working, and its because its not working that I get anxiety. Since that part of the brain is functioning, there is NO anxiety. I can talk to whomever I like, I can engage in group activity, I can talk to strangers and I can mostly certainly confront anyone that is giving me a problem.

Remember that I said that most of the time I was being a dick was when I was being interrupted and having anxiety. No more anxiety means there is no situation that causes me to be a dick.

Its important to know that I still don't like doing the things I don't like, but with the medication I have a CHOICE to do it anyway. This means that I can choose to stop hyperfocusing and choose to spend time with my wife and child instead. I'm not saying I didn't want to spend time with them before, I just didn't want to be interrupted from my hyperfocused activity. The truth is that with the medication I never hyperfocus anyway. I'm too busy with life and all the pleasures that have been denied me all these years to bother with anything for too long. I still enjoy my photography, my music, my video games, but I enjoy them at my leisure instead of having them take over my entire life.

A couple other things to note. My wife, who was so completely against this is 100% ON BOARD now. The change in me was so significant that not only does she accept it, but she reminds me to take my medication when I forget. (she knows I forgot because I'm a dick.)

If your boyfriend is on medication then he already knows everything I've already said here. I'm writing this all out because I want you to understand him, AND what you are committing to if you stay with him. The man he is when he is on the medication is "HIM" its the MAN HE WANTS TO BE. The man he is when he is denied the medication is the man hes FORCED to be. If you aren't happy with him when he's off the medication I want you to understand that even though its him being the *******, its not what he wants. he still loves you, but has this head that hears every radio station. You are just one channel in the thousands he can hear. It doesn't matter how much he wants to only hear you, he is forced to hear it all and the only way to tune out the channels is to be so completely absorbed in something that there is absolutely no room for anything else. If he is ignoring you, its only because he needs some time for his mind to relax by hyperfocusing on something. He is an ****** because of the anxiety he feels when he is asked to do something he can't do and isn't able to explain why without you thinking he's just being a lazy *******.

I'm still learning this ADHD thing, but so far these are my observations. I'm telling you that there is still a lot more to this than what I've mentioned, but I've tried to explain the things that will be most relevant to you as a significant other that has to put up with his coping mechanisms.

My wife and I are happier now than we have been since we got married, and its all because that little pill allows me to be the man / person I want to be.

A word on the pills and how they've affected my life.

The little bastid pills don't cure anything. They allow my brain to function as intended for a LIMITED amount of time. If I take my pill today, it does NOT mean I'm going to have a good day, or that the ADHD symptoms are gone until I go to bed. Some days the ADHD is really bad and the pill doesn't seem to help at all. If I go for a long time without sleep, or improper sleep, they don't do jack. When they do work, I have about 10 hours (on my time release pill) and the day will be a bit of a roller coaster depending on how long its been since each part of the pill kicked in. When it wears off completely I feel like I drank 20 cups of coffee and am finally coming down from the coffee high, all jittery and generally feel like crap. I eat a lot of ibuprophen. This means that if I take my pill in the morning, my day at work goes pretty well, but by the time I get home its on the way out, so I start loosing the effect, and at the same time I feel like crap... double whammy trouble for anyone around me. I can get a little grumpy. I can't take another one for the evening either because I'll end up not being able to sleep, which means the pill wont work the next day because I'm too tired.

What I'm saying is that the pill is a beautiful thing, but its not a cure. There will still be days where the ADHD wins. I would imagine that this is exactly what everyone here is talking about when they talk about... yesh, mind just drew a blank on the word... the "system" of things they do to mitigate the ADHD... eating well, sleeping well, having the proper dose and kind of medication... all the things we do to make sure that we are at our best because when we aren't at our best the ADHD wins... Let me tell you. 35 years of ignorance on ADHD was bliss. Now that I know, I really really don't want to go back to the way I was.... funny thing is, if I don't take my med for a few days, I will tell you that I don't need it. I'm perfectly fine the way I am, there is nothing wrong with me and no, I'm not being a jerk, its you that's bothering me, not the other way around..... Its not good.

Sorry for the book.

JewelD
10-16-14, 10:50 PM
Personally, I think you were lucky to figure out this about him so early. Mine took almost 4 years to figure out - he NEVER mentioned it, I don't think he knew - and I ended up dealing with a LOT of cr*p.

You're not going to have a better experience with this guy unless and until he thoroughly deals with his ADHD & his related problems (trust me, there's more.)


There are sites online about deaing with ex's (my fave is the Toronto Love Dr) BUT - your situation is special, since he's ADHD.

If I were you, I'd send him ONE text or email that said something like : "There were a lot of things I really liked about you, but I truly think your ADHD didn't just go away, and it affected our relationship. I read a lot about it, and it sounds like what happened to us. If you ever decide you want to try again, or even with someone else - I'd strongly suggest you look into dealing with your ADHD."

Then move on. You probably won't hear from him for awhile, but even if you did, it would just be the same thing all over again unless he dealt with it 100%.


Good luck - hugs! :)