View Full Version : A decade later - What's next?


Fuzzy12
07-07-14, 12:04 PM
Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my second abortion. 10 years of depression and general insanity. Sometimes I wonder if I've served my sentence but of course, I haven't. What's 10 years compared to a life that never got to be? This is not a debt I can ever repay. There's no one to make it up to, no one to compensate, no one to apologise to.

I could move on but I don't really want to. What's the point? Everything seems equally meaningless. Tomorrow, I will do what I've done on every abortion anniversary for the last few years: I'll wake up disappointed that it's 2014 rather than 2003/2004, go to our local cathedral, light two candles and pray to a god I don't believe in to take care of my babies that I don't believe exist anymore. I'll fast as if depriving myself of food for one day means anything at all. I should probably give up meds or smoking, which would be a bigger penance but I can't be bothered. Why should I when it doesn't really matter anyway..to anyone? Then I'll go to work, while away the hours, go home and pretend as if everything is perfectly fine.

Everything is perfectly fine in a way. Always has been. If nothing matters, then this doesn't matter either irrespective of how much I want it to matter, irrespective of how much I hold on to every tiny little shred of hurt or grief or guilt. I'm tired. I don't really care anymore.

meadd823
07-07-14, 01:00 PM
Gee in one sentence it seems like you want things to be different then it is fallowed by other which indicate that you are satisfied with things the way they are.

While I share your views on it not really mattering how one feels I deal with this another way - I feel my guilt matters to no one and only serves to make me feel like crap in a situation I am helpless to change. Unrealistic expectation is the birth place of self loathing. I served my time in that prison and decided my time there is over.

As I age the reality of my own mortality becomes ever more clearer in that my time in this life is limited While I can not change the limitation I have been given the rights of perception modification thus having a mild baring in how I choose to view my life.


Personally I hate feeling like crap so I choose when able not to. Yes I feel depression that I do get but I attribute it to crap brain chemistry and the human nature to assign meaning to it lest feeling like crap makes some sort of sense, but the irony is it doesn't really matter any way.

No wrong way to feel but when given a choice I choose not to feel like crap for no other reason than I do not enjoy it - When depression visits I struggle though but when it stays longer than a week or so I seek medical counseling because more than likely my thyroid has decided to act up or my adrenals decided to poop out - I can not take antidepressants as I am close enough to bipolar even a pediatric dose of antidepressant cause me to go into mania - I am not a pleasant manic.

The abortion issue been there done that - death is part of life. No one can cause death we can only influence the timing there of. IN other words all our children die, we die, our parents die, our pet die, every thing that ever is or will be dies. Death to the best of my knowledge can not be stopped. In my TNR and cat rescue order to save lives of the living I regularity have to end innocent ones of the unborn. To believe this in no way effected me is to underestimate my feels for beings I care deeply for but I did not choose the laws of limitation inherent to this space time continuum. I am of limited resources I can only feed so many cats. One day it dawned on me the only lives I truly save are those whom I prevent from being born because once born death is enviable to us all. I am not the creator of death even in those times when I am the cause of it. Like every other being on the planet I am forced to adhere to the nature of life time limitations. Every time I eat I am force to take a life to preserve my own. Many years ago I took a human life, an innocent one to preserve my own sanity. My present day feelings will not change that, nothing I say or do will ever change what is now my distant past. The only influences I have at my disposal is my present and to a limited extent my future.

IN my belief system the unborn human life I ended went back to spiritual center rejuvenated and became a being born to a parent who would not hate their existence because their birth was a product of an unwilling union.

I was reared atheist but choose to modify my views for no other reason than to believe that there is more to us than what we presently understand makes me a happier more hopeful person . While the universe at large does not give a damn decided to.

Fuzzy12
07-07-14, 01:10 PM
Apologies. I know, it doesn't make much sense. It wasn't meant to. Just another outpouring of self-pity and self indulgence. To date, my personal best, I'd think.. :lol:

Thanks for sharing Meadd. :-)

VeryTired
07-07-14, 01:19 PM
Fuzzy--

Sympathy--lots. Concern--lots. And sorrow for your pain. There are some things that don't ever get made right, some pains that we carry with us through a lifetime. I wish your rituals were ones of comfort for you rather than inconclusive expiation, however. And it worries me that you are talking about pretending things are fine because that doesn't sound as though it will help you. But all any of us here can do is register your expression of pain and send you good wishes. Here's hoping that you find some measure of grace and consolation for all your suffering.

meadd823
07-07-14, 01:28 PM
Apologies. I know, it doesn't make much sense. It wasn't meant to. Just another outpouring of self-pity and self indulgence. To date, my personal best, I'd think.. :lol:

Thanks for sharing Meadd. :-)

Self indulgence??? Gosh to me self indulgence is buying some thing I can not afford or eating foods my waist line does not need.

You express a sadness. I prefer to see your words as self expression. Expressing ones feels does not have to be pleasant because sadness is a part of being human.

I had an abortion many years ago, Well more along the truth is I did it myself which is NOT some thing I would recommend to any one but in a way that simply made it more personal as well as physically painful.

I do not expect any one to deal with things the way I did but some may find comfort in the fact that they were not the only ones to make such a choice as to end a pregnancy.

Stevuke79
07-07-14, 03:59 PM
I'm sorry that you're in such a painful place and it feels like there's nothing you can do about it. I know what you mean by "indulgence", ... if our self-loathing or penance does nothing to make anything better, then in a way it's just a self indulgence. I feel like that's what happens when someone who is very rational and logical is overwhelmed with emotions they feel they can do nothing about.

I agree with VT - I don't think it helps that you pretend everything is ok. And I don't just mean how you feel about it - I also think there is a very real and tangible reason that this pain feels so unresolved for you.

tryn-optmsm
07-07-14, 08:26 PM
Ohh Fuzz, all I can say is ((((((Fuzz))))))

Fuzzy12
07-08-14, 07:27 AM
Thanks, guys.

I'm feeling strangely pensive and listless today. At the same time I am not able to focus on anything. I guess, the actual abortion happened around now. I'm not sure. I'm remembering this day 10 years ago though the actual procedure was the easiest bit of the whole process.

There were no available spaces in my town so the NHS outsourced me to BPAS (though I realised this only many years later) in another town. Apparently, the sunniest town in the UK. We took the train early in the morning. I'm trying to remember what I was thinking but I can't. I just remember that as usual I forgot to switch off the lights and my boyfriend got a bit annoyed with me and I wondered how he could have a go at me on a day like that about something so incredibly trivial. FFS, he asked me to have an abortion and I did. I'd done my bit for him.

I remember waiting for hours in several different waiting rooms. There was a woman from Cardiff who struck up a conversation with me. Carol was her name. She already had a few children and said that she absolutely didn't want to have an abortion but she was on medication when she got pregnant and was worried about the effect it might have had on her fetus. I was very nervous and I was grateful to have someone to talk to while waiting. She was very sweet. I often wondered about her later, about how she coped, how she was doing. We were the only ones chatting, every one else was dead silent.

I remember when they asked us to undress and wear these stupid gowns that open only at the back. Just as in my first abortion I wore the gown the wrong way round. You'd think that I might have got it right the second time round :lol: I hate those gowns. You can't close them yourself and I hated getting out of the changing room with my bare backside on display. I felt guilty about worrying about these trivial details but it made me feel even more ashamed and vulnerable than I already did I guess. In my first abortion, they asked me to wear a mask to inhale the anesthetic gas but this time it was administered through an IV drip. I was out within a few seconds.

The next thing I remember is crying uncontrollably. I asked one of the nurses if I still had my womb. She didn't understand me at first and till today I don't understand why I called it womb instead of uterus. I had never done that before. Then they asked me to get dressed in this little cubicle and I did while sobbing my eyes out. I remember hearing the nurses talk about me. They were surprised about my violent crying and one of them told the others "well, some of them react this way." They took me to the recovery room and asked me to have juice and biscuits. I couldn't eat anything. I was still crying. Then Carol joined me and she was crying as well. We were the only ones crying and I felt a bit embarrassed about disturbing the other girls.

That was it. It had all been so easy and simple, completely pain free, nothing like my first abortion. My boyfriend was waiting for me at the reception and we just made our way back to the train station. I had finally stopped crying and I felt relieved more than anything. Relieved and guilty for feeling relieved. It just felt so good not to feel sick anymore. I've often wondered since then because in the literature they always claim that the majority of women feel relief after their abortion (rather than any distressing emotions) and I guess, it's true if they only ask women immediately after their abortion.

I was fine for about 3 weeks. Then the guilt set in and then the regret. I just couldn't understand anymore how I could have done this..again. And then the depression took over my life.

phantasm
07-10-14, 10:08 PM
I'm sorry Mrs. Fuzz. I read this thread a few days ago and didn't have time to post. I thought about it all day. Didn't know what I would have said, but kept thinking about your words and how you felt. Anyway, I guess that's all I can say...that I was thinking about you.

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sad050.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

finallyfound10
07-21-14, 01:38 PM
((((Fuzzy))))

in the literature they always claim that the majority of women feel relief after their abortion (rather than any distressing emotions) and I guess, it's true if they only ask women immediately after their abortion.

You are 100% correct about that. I do believe that relief is the #1 immediate emotion but as a the woman's life goes on, no way. As you know, I could write for days about this shared topic. I'm going to PM you as soon as I get my thoughts together.

silivrentoliel
07-21-14, 01:47 PM
I felt very similar when I miscarried last year. At first, I was hugely relieved, even happy I was no longer pregnant, then something kicked in and I was inconsolable until the day I would have been due. I lost my **** that day. I don't know if it's hormones or what, but brains are weird things... I'm sorry you had such a rough anniversary. They are miserable.