View Full Version : Short intense ADD and Non-ADD relationships


geministwin83
07-07-14, 12:09 PM
Hello
Sorry - I had posted in the Romantic section, but I am looking for more insight please.

I only looked into ADD after we broke up, and like other posts I have seen here, feel the guilt for not realizing it earlier especially since he mentioned he had it as a child but "went away with reading". We had only been dating for 3 months but it was really intense and maybe because he was so intense on me, but he had the kindest heart and soul of any man I had met, I instantly wanted to care for him. He said he was very much in love with me many times and every time we had an issue he would be very calm about coming to a compromise. His communication skills were great.

I just can't get over our last text convo where he said he was committed to us being happy, that he really cares about me, and he would make his best efforts, to just dissolving the relationship. The problem came from me telling him what I needed, this was my effort to try to better the relationship, through understanding, he was really stressed during those weeks when we broke up. We were disagreeing with the definition of quality time. I felt that in early dating, it should mean doing things together, going out, learning more about each other, where as he was very satisfied with staying in, but because he is so tired from being overwhelmed at work, he mostly just passes out, then goes home. He is a lawyer who just started a practice with his partner, and his partner had to leave for some personal reasons for a few weeks. I understood he was busy, but a lot of my expectations came from him making all these suggestions of things we could do, but not actually planning them. I like planning activities, but I started resenting that I had to plan my own dates, I am used to thoughtful guys who really make an effort to court a girl especially early on, I told him it doesn't make these guys any better, what matters the most is the man's character, but it's what I was used to. But because he was always late, always said things he would do and not do them, I felt he acted lazy and selfish, I thought, wow if these are his best efforts, what am I to look forward to later on? But he had such a good heart! If I had known, it wouldn't have bothered me.

He ended things on the phone. I hadn't seen him in the 3 weeks his partner was absent, he still messaged me every morning to say good morning however, it became meaningless to me and I grew increasingly frustrated. On one had I didn't want to bother him, he told me he rather I express my feelings in person, so I stopped texting him much, I sent him a card to his work to cheer him up, then later a care package. He said he was too distracted with work to end things but he had been thinking, he wasn't being fair to me, and couldn't give me what I wanted. Time, he didn't have time for me. He needed space. I told him I really liked him and he said he liked me too, so I asked why, and he said it's not that simple, and it was better than breaking up in 6 months anyway. I am really heartbroken because I had fallen in love with him, I was always looking for ways to be better for him, to be better myself, I looked to his needs first, and I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. I was really upset at him for leading me on but he said he was honest with his feelings at the time. I asked him if he changed his mind, and he said yes. We exchanged emails the other day and he said he felt connected to me and has no doubt I will find a man to suit my needs and he was honest about his feelings throughout.

It is so hurtful that someone can throw out feelings they think they are real at the time, with no thought of the implications those words mean. But this is what I am learning, that ADD people can just feel something so strong one day, and change their minds?

geministwin83
07-07-14, 01:17 PM
Oh - sorry I wanted to add, that I didn't add in this section - that he was late all the time except for 3 dates. One time he was early by an hour and just sat in his car and waited. He never acknowledged he was late except for the first date. It's usually 15-20 mins late. One time he was an hour late and didn't bring the take out he promised (that was his 3rd attempt of saying he was going to bring me take out). The only time his lateness bothered me was when it cut into our spending time together. The worst was when he actually forgot I was making him dinner for the first time and showed up at 10PM but he did bring me flowers. He did bring me flowers on his own another time, they were the same flowers, he seemed to stick with things that work for him.


He was so sweet. He was the most polite person I've ever met! I am so sad because I don't feel we had a real chance to have a relationship at all. I could have changed my needs and expectations. The thing that bothered me the most was all of his non-action. But i read somewhere someone said ADD-ers "dream aloud"... from talking non stop about having babies, how cute our babies would look, and traveling together, and all this future talk that kind of freaked me out, to just all these things we could do on dates, but never planning it. I kept saying I didn't trust his word. He never seemed to understand where I was coming from.

GRbiker
07-07-14, 05:25 PM
Thank you for adding your second post. Being chronically late, forgetting the take-out and bringing you the same flowers (routine) are ADD traits. I do those things, too. I was going to reply that perhaps things had been progressing too fast for him, that you fell in love too fast ( I'm wary of that happening myself), but the part about "dreaming aloud" was an important detail. The fact that he was freaking you out with the "future talk" shows he was playing along with it, so he may have felt that way but also knew he couldn't really be the guy he wanted to be for you, or be the guy you need, either.

Don't know if that helps, but I hope you can find some peace with this.

geministwin83
07-07-14, 06:39 PM
GRbiker - thank you so much for responding!

Yes! Also the forgetting I invited him over to dinner. I mean it was like our 5th or 6th date, so very early on. I spent all day cooking for him. What was weird to me was, he acted like he knew he should be sorry, but was very nonchalant, when he showed up at 10PM, with flowers, but he kept asking me "are you upset? you're not upset are you?"...I mean it kind of was a big deal of hurt for me. It took him the next day to send me an apology text.

For the longest time he kept saying i was perfect, that he is so much in love with me, that he is really happy with me, that I was the only calm in his life, and he was so lucky to be with me. One time I said he acted aloof and he said it hurt him a lot because he is very emotional. He often contradicts himself, saying he wants to take things slow, then keeps talking about having kids!

The part that makes me feel foolish is that he kept saying that he will prove himself to me, that he is in love with me, and I kept fighting it, saying people quick to fall in love are quick to fall out of love. And I gave in anyway! Yes, sometimes I call him out on his "dreaming aloud" and he will say he was just joking. Like one time he asked how many kids I wanted, and I said I wouldn't think about that til I got married, and he asked when we were getting married. I was like what????

He was so concerned about my birthday before we broke up. All the time he would ask about what we should do, what plans we should make, please tell me what I want to do, and what it is I want. He said he gets really stressed out about that and doesn't want to disappoint. In the end, he wished me a happy birthday, but bailed on the plans he made. I was so hurt.

He changed after that conversation about quality time. And became distant. But would still text every day. We grew distant pretty quickly.

He is very child like I feel, is that a symptom? I had just thought it was because he was the youngest child in his family, but it was so weird, a brilliant lawyer who needed so much babying and care (or men are just babies). I didn't mind, I adored him so much. Our first 4 dates, I would stroke his hair, and he would fall asleep on me. It sounds weird, but we both felt very comfortable with each other and had an instant chemistry. He told me he was very awkward growing up, and super nerdy, but I was confused because he was very smooth and, slightly aggressive, in a sexy manly way. I was fine with it, it was hot! But at the same time, as soon as I scratch his head, he would melt into a little kitten. He would say the strangest things sometimes, and repeat himself a lot. He was very emotional and shared a lot and said he felt safe with me.

Of course I am extremely hurt and confused. I told him, that when I fall in love, I love forever, and he said, that was very romantic, and feels we are there already, that was like a month ago! On the phone he sounded hurt too. And I sent him a few emails. The only response ended with, that he apologizes if I feel he has let me down and that he had been honest with his feelings throughout. Which means he only meant it at the time he said them. Which really upsets me because I don't think he is a bad guy, but generally, it was so irresponsible of him to throw around some meaningful words so carelessly and think nothing of it.

geministwin83
07-07-14, 07:44 PM
I tried so hard. I cared about him so much.
At first I thought he was just a workaholic, and over burdened by his new business so I looked for answers there. The last few weeks I did grow increasingly more upset. And I didn't ask him how his day was or really make any conversation. I didn't know what to do with him anymore, I just assumed he was a neglectful and dense man, who strangely gave me the most emotional feedback anyone has ever given me. I couldn't understand why he was so strange! I adored him so much but sometimes I would scream into my pillow because he was so frustrating.

When he ended things I cried. Then I felt relief. Then anger because I put in so much effort. One time he said he felt inferior because I remember everything and am so thoughtful. Oh you like tea? Here's some of my fav teas I got for you, a coffee black tea because I always see a coffee in his car, and a tart relaxing herbal tea, because he said he likes sour things and is always so stressed out... Oh your phone is always dying...here's a battery pack to keep in your bag! Oh you want cake? Let me bake you something to take to work... Oh you like seafood? Let me go around town and track down something you've never had before that I would really like for you to try... He bought me a toy (a baby's security blanket lol), so to cheer him up at work I would text him pics of it in silly scenarios to make him smile..Oh you like art and you can't plan? Let me plan a date night to go paint. I feel so foolish and stupid... Actually that paint nite really frustrated me and now I know why. I was getting annoyed because he wasn't paying any attention to the instructions, I was like OMG what is this guy doing? He can't even try? He's just stabbing his canvas? I was getting irritated cus I thought he just took it as a joke. That was our last date.

He told me it really upsets him when I am upset, and at the end I was upset a lot, cus I couldn't trust his words!!! Anything that made him happy made me happy, but I wanted to feel that it was reciprocal. Early on, he would always ask for chances when he messed up, and he would say he messed up and say he would prove himself and make it up to me but he didn't do anything. He did bring me food on his own one time, I was so impressed. One time he said he brought me chocolate and he pulled out a twix bar from his bag. At times I thought I was just a spoiled brat, because I am, people in my life treat me very well. I never dated in high school, but I am guessing this is what it would have been like... Anything he planned, besides anything alcohol related because he likes a drink or two, was a high school date. I thought he was so sweet and different, but I'm 30... It seemed so odd, but at the same time he was so endearing.

I guess the frustrating part is knowing that he has probably forgotten everything. All I wanted was to be appreciated, and I feel like I gave him all my emotions, like he wanted, because he is such a good man and I adored him for everything he was and tried so hard to make sense of his eccentricities, but he was just like, changed my mind.

RobboW
07-08-14, 01:25 AM
I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and suggest that his being busy with work was a large burden and used up a lot of his emotional energy and he found it difficulty to work at the relationship, so rather than string you along, ended it early so as not to make it even harder on you later. He probably really does care for you but knows he can't keep focus on a good relationship long enough. What I'm saying is that you seem a really connected and giving soul but he couldn't see himself being able to give back to you like that and may have felt you deserve someone who could.

ADHD is hard on relationships because partner expectations feel overwhelming after time. It's hard for an ADHD person to be emotionally giving all the time, it doesn't come easy at all.

I might be wrong about him, but that's what I read from your posts. Don't necessarily take his breaking it off as rejection, maybe more that he was trying to save you from something he thought wouldn't satisfy you enough long term. Maybe he cared too much?

Addesso
07-08-14, 02:28 AM
I doubt that he's forgotten everything or has gotten over his feelings for you. Though a lot of his confusing actions may seem like he didn't care, it's seems apparent that he thought the world of you, though his expression of it just didn't match up to your other past experiences in previous relationships. It's a very easy conclusion to think that he must not care enough because he would have tried harder to be on time or to plan things. And that's what kills us because in the bottom of our hearts, we know we would give our lives for those we love. But yet they wouldn't believe us.

Your story sounds very similar to some of my past experiences. And it's extremely heartbreaking to see that this woman you adore is slowly losing faith because you can't be there for them in the way that they want you to be. Like planning outings and vacations, forgetting to do little tasks, or remembering important dates. And of course they are even more confused when suddenly you remember something in exquisite detail, or spontaneously surprise them with a date out of a storybook. Why can't it be like that all the time? I dunno. We wish it could be. But we know that you're in pain, and it seems the only way to fix things is to just withdraw. Give you the chance to connect with someone who will give you what you want. It's not an easy choice to make--and it's not something that's easy to forget.

I say this because it seems you came out of this experience feeling manipulated--that you couldn't trust his words, that he wouldn't follow through with action, that he felt something strongly one day and changed his mind. That he's probably forgotten everything already. It seems that you're looking for something/someone to blame, instead of just accepting him for who he is. It seems the time you had with him touched you and affected you deeply. Do you really want to cheapen those memories and emotions by believing things that may not be even true?

You do say this: "I could have changed my needs and expectations." Is that true? If so, it will most likely be a very difficult road--for both of you, as most likely you both will have to learn and make many adjustments, some together and some alone. But it can work, and maybe it may end up being worth it. And though you've broken up, it doesn't mean you are out of each others lives--maybe time needs to pass, but you can reach out again to each other if you so choose.

But I guess you'll have to decide if you have the time and energy for that. It may well be easier meeting someone new--but maybe not. ADD or no, everyone brings their own baggage and we have to end up figuring out how we will deal with it eventually.

sarek
07-08-14, 02:53 AM
Expectations are murder for us. We will always come up short. We will forget things, even those that are obvious. We will run out of spoons on a regular basis.

And when all that is happening, the people on the receiving end of our foibles will interpret it using their own reference frame. If they never forget something important, they won't accept that WE forgot it, and they will consciously or subconsciously find other reasons why we didnt deliver.

Life with an ADDer is different, very different. There are a number of things that we just can not learn to do, no matter how hard we try, or how hard you try to encourage/remind/coerce us to do them.

The work stress is a very familiar situation for me. When it happens to me it totally drains me. My social skills are the first to go. I just do not have the energy to pursue anything. We simply do not have enough "spoons" to go around, we run out long before the day is done.

VeryTired
07-08-14, 12:03 PM
Hi, gemini--

Sorry to hear of all your pain. I think your experiences with this guy are not all that unusual. Some of them are very familiar to me, and I find myself thinking, maybe things would have been better if I had ended up in your shoes, wondering what went wrong, rather than ending up where I am, several years into living with a partner whose ADHD is very challenging to us both.

It sounds like you're assuming that the great parts of this relationship were the real ones, and somehow the problems intruded on them. But my opinion is that the ADHD-related problems are just as real, and sometimes more long-lasting. Anyway, a number of the things you mention seem to be common and recurrent frustrations in relationships where one partner has ADHD.

I think it might comfort and interest you to read Gina Pera's excellent book, "Is It You, Me or Adult ADD?"

Anyway, sympathy to you for your pain--

geministwin83
07-08-14, 12:56 PM
Thank you so much everyone for your input.
This is helping me greatly.

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and suggest that his being busy with work was a large burden and used up a lot of his emotional energy and he found it difficulty to work at the relationship, so rather than string you along, ended it early so as not to make it even harder on you later. He probably really does care for you but knows he can't keep focus on a good relationship long enough. What I'm saying is that you seem a really connected and giving soul but he couldn't see himself being able to give back to you like that and may have felt you deserve someone who could.


I mean for my ego - that makes the most sense for me. haha. He kept saying he's sure I will find someone to give me what I want. I said, I just want to be appreciated and he said he appreciates me, but it was so meek.
It makes sense because the day we broke up I was already sassing him because I was so annoyed. He cancelled my birthday plans after basically months of saying how important it was to him to make sure I feel special and am not disappointed. I asked him at that time if he didn't want to see me anymore to just let me know and he said we had to do it another week and I told him I understood he was busy. But he never rescheduled so it really bothered me. The day we broke up I said I deserved to be treated better and said yes, he had been distant and distracted by work and I deserve more of his time. When he ended things kept saying he couldn't give me what I wanted. It was weird when he said "it's better than it ending in 6 months anyway"... I wouldn't have ended it, he was the best man I have met, except I couldn't understand him.

His last relationship was for 6 years! I was always so confused, I kept asking myself, how did he have a gf for so long and still be so oblivious. Because with law school, and then working at a high profile firm, when did he have time for her. I thought she must have been very low maintenance. He told me they broke up because she didn't want children. She said she didn't want to raise kids alone without him, he said they could get a nanny and she said no. They seemed to travel a lot together tho... When we first met, he told me about his solo trip, I asked him how it was and he said it was great, nobody yelling at him all the time. Now it makes a lot of sense to me. Our dates were scheduled usually around 9PM, and if he slept over, even on weekends, he would be out the door by 8AM. I had to beg for a daytime date. I felt really lonely.

He is really emotional. I've never met a guy as emotional as him.

I doubt that he's forgotten everything or has gotten over his feelings for you. Though a lot of his confusing actions may seem like he didn't care, it's seems apparent that he thought the world of you, though his expression of it just didn't match up to your other past experiences in previous relationships. It's a very easy conclusion to think that he must not care enough because he would have tried harder to be on time or to plan things. And that's what kills us because in the bottom of our hearts, we know we would give our lives for those we love. But yet they wouldn't believe us.

He once said that he cares for me a lot, and is sorry it is not in the way that I can see.
And do I feel manipulated? Yes. Because I really guarded myself, because I had told him about my last relationship. I met a guy, I thought was perfect. He told me he loved me on our 4th date, and this guy wooed me to no end and said I was perfect, we moved in after 3 months of dating, he made me breakfast every morning and left me love notes everywhere, would clean, go grocery shopping while I was sleeping, I would come home from work and he would have dinner made, it was ridiculous. After some time he started acting more cranky and selfish, and before the end, everything about me was wrong. He was super mean and would yell at me, nothing made him happy and my presence gave him headaches. Finally he said we were done, acted like he was single, but refused to move out. It was terrible and I needed therapy after I finally got him to leave. Anyway! I told ADD Lawyer here that it made me really weary to trust again! And here he was telling me how perfect I was and how in love with me he was, and I gave it some time but gave in because he seemed so genuine and pure. Yes I'm angry! You don't go around telling people you love them cus you feel like it.

Yeah - at the end of the convo he just kept saying, he needed space, he wanted to go to sleep, he had a headache. I keep bringing up my comments to him about things quick to sizzle, fizzle quick, because I should have known better, and he keeps saying he was honest with his feelings. We didn't say we would be friends. I said, oh is this it then? And he said yes.

Life with an ADDer is different, very different. There are a number of things that we just can not learn to do, no matter how hard we try, or how hard you try to encourage/remind/coerce us to do them.
He always said he was different. I knew he was different immediately. But different good, so pure, I was so calm with him (the most calm I have been, I am a little dramatic, if you can't tell), he really fulfilled my emotional needs, I felt really secure with him, but at the same time confused by his actions. When I said to him, I am used to men who wine and dine me, and plan activities, you know, try to impress me, he said that's not him, he tries to impress me in other ways. I felt it, I just couldn't see it. I had been so spoiled, by less men. We had a fight once and he asked me what he could do to improve, and he started making notes in his iphone, I just thought it was a lawyer thing to do.

I am really heart broken! But I am so thankful that I have discovered this forum, it is so informative and I have read through so many threads to try to understand.
It is so interesting the things I now recognize. Like, he told me how he was really upset when he first went to university and didn't make any new friends, and then when he took this program before law, and all they did was talk about their feelings, it was the best, it was like a support group. And he seemed to have body image issues, even though he is so perfect to me as he is, just really shy about his body... he is so sexy, it's ridiculous, he looks like a model. Whenever I complimented him he would be so happy. He always complimented me, he was so sweet. I will try to move on but I am being super obsessive right now. I have sent him some emails about how I looked into ADD and everything made sense and how my issues were from not understanding his issues, and if I had known I wouldn't have reacted in the way I did. He told me how lonely his life is, all he does is work. I feel like we didn't even have a real chance at all. That's why I am so broken about it.

GRbiker
07-08-14, 01:35 PM
I agree with Addesso about the expectations, and the dangers of lowering them. If you lower your expectations, there is a very real possibility that it will lead to disappointment, frustration and resentment later. That's what has happened to my relationship, and it isn't working out well.

Apart from the effusive declarations of love, and grand plans for a family, your situation is similar to how my relationship started. (I don't do effusive, but my partner fell in love anyway.) I did, however, state some bold plans and wishes for the future, things that I didn't know were quite unrealistic for me. My partner is very goal oriented, and was clear with what her vision for our future was. I simply went along with it and said I could hold up my end of the bargain.

Well over the years it was clear that I couldn't follow through on much of what I said I would, she kept lowering her expectations and I kept struggling. Then I was finally diagnosed with ADD, and now all those things that I said I wanted/could do seem out of reach to me and renegotiating our expectations and visions of our future is not what she wants.

I think that your ex had all he could handle with his law practice and although he wished and hoped to be able to be the partner that you were looking for, knew he couldn't. I'm sure it tore him up, it tears me up. Be thankful he was honest about it and stopped leading you on.

geministwin83
07-08-14, 02:04 PM
It sounds like you're assuming that the great parts of this relationship were the real ones, and somehow the problems intruded on them. But my opinion is that the ADHD-related problems are just as real, and sometimes more long-lasting. Anyway, a number of the things you mention seem to be common and recurrent frustrations in relationships where one partner has ADHD.

Thank you so much VeryTired.
Hearing that my experiences are not unusual helps in some way.
I am really sorry about your own frustrations. Some people have said to me he did me a favour. It must be so hard when you really care and love someone. It is really hard that I had no say in this, especially when I have been frustrated in the past but wasn't going to give up on him, but he kept always asking for another chance.

The great part of the relationship is him. He was so good and open and he made me so calm. When I first met him I was coming down from the worst skin reaction I've ever had, I felt so disgusting and he saw through that. He always said he didn't care what he was doing, as long as he was with me. But at the same time, I wanted to do things, and then it became a compromise. So I don't think that has anything to do with ADD, but just being realistic to the state of his new business and responsibilities. It is so weird to me that someone so brilliant, is so child like. My friends teased I was dating a 14 year old. He said he didn't date much, but was so smooth (maybe because he just impulsively blurted things out that I took as sexy and forward lol), but so dense! So strange! To me the hardest part is knowing that he is the best man I have met, I mean despite the ADD, he doesn't woo me, or romance me, or court me, like so many others have, but he tries in his way, and is so open to communicating, and trying to make an effort. One time he joked that I describe him like a pre-schooler's report card - heart of gold, makes a good effort.

geministwin83
07-08-14, 03:44 PM
I did, however, state some bold plans and wishes for the future, things that I didn't know were quite unrealistic for me.
Even simple things could not be done :(


I think that your ex had all he could handle with his law practice and although he wished and hoped to be able to be the partner that you were looking for, knew he couldn't. I'm sure it tore him up, it tears me up. Be thankful he was honest about it and stopped leading you on.

Thank you so much.
Thank you everyone for all of your insight and helping me understand.
He always said, he loved just being with me, he loved the way I made him feel, he loved how he felt when he was with me, I make him feel so calm and at peace and feel so safe, he has so much anxiety and can't sleep but when he sees me, he can sleep. I felt it was always about how I made him feel. I should have been appreciative that someone liked being with me so much, and when I look back I feel really bad for wanting more, I mean, honestly, I love a night in of netflixing, but that's what I do alone, all the time, for the last year and a half, single. I just wanted to see he could make an effort before turning us into an old married couple. I felt cheated of the early stages of a relationship, and that you can't just jump into the intimacy of a longterm relationship... He always addressed me as princess, but I felt he didn't treat me like one, so it just became insulting to me. I am a princess, unfortunately... and unless I prodded and begged and nagged for something, he wasn't able to give me what I wanted. During our entire time together, we went out for dinner once. When I said I wish to be dated he said, "Am I lacking in this regard?"... I was like what? what? IS THIS A JOKE? Are you kidding me? You don't know this is lacking???? how did you have a girlfriend for 6 years!!!!! - this is all in my head of course... but the resentment did boil up as i bottled up all these feelings of wtf?

On our last date I said to him, why doesn't he ask me what I want to do. And he said, why don't I ask him!? I was like, I know what you want to do! Stay in, watch netflix, pass out... and he sheepishly said yes. I said he doesn't make an effort to plan anything, he just wants to show up. And he said, the most important part was showing up. lol.

Sigh. I have spent so much energy on this.
If it were not for this forum, I think I would spend another few months agonizing over this. I'll probably still agonize, but only for a month lol.
Thank you so much =)

geministwin83
07-08-14, 06:14 PM
Right now,
I keep saying I will let go, but I don't really want to let go. He was so good for me and I really wanted to maintain some dignity and accept things as they are... but I can't stop! I haven't felt like this for someone in a long time, and it is so unfair to not have a fair chance with a new perspective. Yes his ADD is annoying, but he is such a good man who melts my heart... and I know I genuinely care for him....so much..in ways I've never cared about anyone... I want to explain to him how much he changed me in such a short time... I want him to know how much I appreciate him and care about him and how much he means to me... in my emails I say how great he is and he says I'm great back, and how i wish I had known more about his ADD so I could have a different set of expectations. When he wrote back "if you feel I have let you down, I apologize" I was like... ugh that's a GROSS understatement... I was upset...and I was like yea! I do feel let down cus I genuinely liked you for you but I couldn't pin point why someone so genuine acted so disinterested sometimes... everything was so amazing.

I am so full of emotion. I'm not above begging lol, but as a guy who bailed on me on my birthday, I think it is soooo low. He never apologized for that. If it were any other guy that should be my answer right there. I dont even know what love has to do with anything any more. Always a battled between heart vs brain.

RobboW
07-08-14, 07:33 PM
IMO, generalising here, ADHD inattentive men are less likely to stray or leave once married. It's just getting to the married part that is the trick. I bet my wife could tell some stories here about me. I'm not diagnosed yet but expect I am ADHD inattentive with some anxiety associated. The paradoxically smart but dense type, lol.
If I was still unaware of my condition, I would possibly say my wife is high maintenance and frustrates me no end, but knowing I have issues, maybe she isn't and it's just my skewed perceptions? She is a wonderful person but I always have an overload of pressure to do things and be someone I clearly am not. That's hard work. What frustrates me is that a lot of my personality is defined by my condition. I guess enough of the real me shows through for her to love me still. I am realising this more and more lately and things are improving slowly between us. It was slowly spiraling down to destruction with ever increasing conflict associated with having to work and raise four children who are getting older and increasingly complicating our lives. I think understanding each other and what effects ADHD has is a help for me. I need her to understand better yet though. I will be seeing a psychologist soon to start the diagnosis and management process. BTW, I'm 45 so this has gone on a long time and we are somehow still together. It's not easy but can be done.

geministwin83
07-08-14, 09:31 PM
The paradoxically smart but dense type
lol!
is that what it is!
He has major anxiety. Hard time sleeping. crazy anxiety. oh my goodness. one time he slept over and had a client meeting at 9AM, he woke up 3 times in the middle of the night panicking about being late to his meeting. He knows he has ADD? I think, but only brought it up that he had it as a child, and ignorantly I thought that meant it went away. Are any of your kids affected by ADHD?
How did you wife get past your eccentricities while dating? Maybe I am high maintenance.
I see through him and i love the real him, I wish I could have him in my life but we are both saying someone else will better suit my needs. he keeps saying that to me. I keep agreeing. I guess there is nothing I can do.

acdc01
07-09-14, 07:55 AM
He does sound like he has ADHD.

In all honesty, I think you're better off without him.

The hard fact is people usually do not change. Even now after I've been diagnosed, I have made some change but that change is not big. You're very unlikely to be able to lower your expectations and he's very unlikely to improve enough to be tolerable in the long term.

And to be frank, the way you write about him sounds like you are in the first stages of love (understandably so) where you've still got rose colored glasses on. Even with rose colored glasses you notice these glaring problems that are already upsetting you? You already being able to see his problems even when you're biased in support of him makes me think he may be extremely messed up and difficult. If this is the case, he would be extremely difficult to live with in the long term.

Also, all of the brilliant lawyers I've met were extremely smooth talkers. They know what to say to convince you of the image/idea they want you to see. It's great cause it can make you feel good (especially when they are actually sincere) and can facilitate good communications. It can also suck when you two are in an argument and you end up always losing cause he is such a smooth talker (even when you're actually right). It can even make you feel bad about yourself if things start going bad between you two cause it becomes a blame game and well, he may be so good he convinces you that you're the one to blame. When the wrong person is "blamed" things do not improve cause you can't fix the problem when you don't know what the problem is.

I can't really say for sure about anything since all I know about you/him is this post. But i'd really ask yourself unbiasely whether you think this relationship could have actually worked in the long run. If it wouldn't, then your ex was right. It's better to break up now.

Addesso
07-09-14, 04:16 PM
He does sound like he has ADHD.
The hard fact is people usually do not change. Even now after I've been diagnosed, I have made some change but that change is not big. You're very unlikely to be able to lower your expectations and he's very unlikely to improve enough to be tolerable in the long term.


Though I do agree with this to some degree, it's not because people just ARE that way. It really comes down to choice, and most folks have yet to get to a critical point where they realize "do I do the work to change how I view/conduct my life so I can steer it into the direction I desire?" Most folks know what change they want/should/have to make, but choose not to do the work till they hit rock bottom.

And it always seems once folks pull out of it, they'll look back in hindsight and say, "F***, why didn't I just suck it up and do this earlier?"

When I date new folks who have the potential to stick around as a girlfriend/friend/soulmate/whatever, I try to assess a few things, and many times I just ask them straight up:

- if they have done any personal work (therapy, self-help, etc)
- deal with conflict in a positive way
- willingness to make compromises

I feel that if the ship starts to sink, it's more likely the ship can be saved knowing this about my partner.

In this case, he seemed very receptive to you when you had issues, was a "good communicator", "calm about coming to a compromise", and even took notes on his phone during critical conversations (which made me laugh as this is something I would do because I didn't want to misinterpret/forget the important parts, but it would drive my then gf crazy that I wasn't "paying more attention"). I don't get the feeling that he would ever start pushing the blame on you. More likely--which had occurred--that he would be the type to withdraw.

The only thing you didn't mention is whether he had gone through some sort of personal work. It's really less about the ADD and more about how going through that work enables you to "hold a mirror up to yourself." The experience also gives better operating instructions for how to just deal with life (which is the crap I WISH they would teach in school). You mention that you saw a therapist after a past breakup, so you've had this experience. And from reading your posts, though you are upset and confused, you've also displayed a lot of reflective insight. Just the willingness to be this open and honest on a public forum is a big thing!

But how was he on that front? Personally, I think it's more difficult to have a relationship where one person has gone through work and the other hasn't. One may use all the skills and tactics in their toolbox, and it takes a lot of energy to be ok that it isn't reciprocal, or that they're oblivious to to the actions taken to keep the relationship running.

He says his life is lonely, yet spends a lot of time with his work. He needs to be able to see that he needs to do something about that, instead of just throwing his time into one area where he can feel successful, yet the other area gets worse. (Tho, starting any business endeavor is extremely difficult, and even those with great time management end up feeling they never spend enough time with friends and family. This is EXACTLY what's going on in my life, so I can relate. And it's a very difficult compromise.)

And I'm not saying that he needed to tackle things like date planning head-on by himself (the task is nerve-wracking sometimes). A first step could have been you generating three lists: restaurants you like, movies you want to see, and place you like to walk. All he has to do is then pick three--even if it was random--pick a night, then just execute. Boom, instant date night. But he needs to have the willingness to say, "ok, this is hard. what can i/we do to make this easier for me/us?" instead of withdrawing.

It's true. He may not be right for you. You've expressed the willingness to change, but unless he does too and makes a true effort, then I doubt things will work ever. But if you both take the time and the energy, then who's to say what can happen?

geministwin83
07-09-14, 09:32 PM
acdc01
thank you for your input.

Yes - I was always weary it could have been lawyering manipulation. It is so strange. In the written form he is always so composed and polite, of course. In person, he was mostly polite, and aggressive like a normal horny man lol, impulsive. Smooth. However so child like. That's the one thing I want to know. He is so child-like. Is that part of his personality or ADD?

Thank you Addesso. I really appreciate your post.

A month into our relationship, we got into a tiff, he said he went back to all of our correspondence to re-read everything to get more insight lol. I thought that was more lawyering things.

In that convo where he took notes, of things he can do to improve the relationship. He told me what I could do too. One which was drama, he didn't want any drama. Sometimes we have misunderstandings and I get frustrated. They are in part of me not understanding him. For example, one time, it was 8PM and I was still at work, a huge thundershower suddenly hit, and it was pouring hard outside. I had told him before that I work an hour away from home and I transit to work to the boonies. I was complaining about staying late at work, and now it was pouring outside. He replied that he loved the rain. I said, well yes, but not when I am far away from home without an umbrella. And he replied, why don't you buy an umbrella? It sounds so stupid, but at the time I just couldn't believe how someone was so dense. I guess I am quick to anger, but it's very simple things like that... because every time it rains, he will make a comment about how he loves the rain. He repeats himself often.

I do not know if he has done anything. Again, he only mentioned the ADD once, that he had it as a child. He spoke about being sad that he didnt make new friends in University, and that before Law School, he went to Teacher's College and it was great, it was like therapy because all they did was talk about their feelings. His best friends are from childhood and they are pretty much all married and starting their families. This is what he wants for himself as well.

He seemed to be open to compromise. Maybe he went and read back our last convos like he did the first time and decided against me. He said he has a stressful job and just wants to be alone with me after work, but can compromise and try to go out more. And i said I don't understand how that is a compromise. Staying in and not making an effort to date is not dating? Maybe, this is really a personality clash. I really do want to do things, and I let him know, there are so many things I would like to do with someone. I stay in and Netflix myself all the time as a single person. I resented that it was not a "normal" dating situation, like every man tries to court and woo me lol.

The dating - we went to the same place for our first 2 dates lol. It was almost our 3rd date but then I got upset. lol. He said he didn't mind where he went, as long as he was with me. I thought it was lazy, cheesy, and so weird because he didn't like the place at all.

Maybe we are not compatible. But I really fell in love with him. It's do dumb. I love how he passed out on me on the first 4 dates. Okay 80% of dates he has passed out. I mean what kind of man passes out on the lap of his date in his car the FIRST date? I was brushing his hair to calm him down. I love petting him because it really relaxes him. I love doing things to make him happy. And I was in love with him because I think about how things affect him first. My concerns are for him. When I am upset, sometimes I just get mad because I don't understand, but I try to be really mindful how I might upset him.

He is really emotional. He said he used to cry in his office with his big law firm job, and when we got into a fight he said I made him cry. He feels a lot. One time he said he doesn't know why he is a lawyer, lawyers are so mean. He was taking some nasty lawyer's personal attacks very personally. I really want to care for him but I have nothing. He says he explained himself, which was, he can't give me what I want, and he's sure I can find someone else to fulfill my needs.

I am sad. He doesn't have the time, or energy.

kittyb21
07-10-14, 12:19 AM
QUOTE]he was mostly polite, and aggressive like a normal horny man lol[/QUOTE]

Possibly off topic here, but what is aggressive like a normal horny man??

kittyb21
07-10-14, 12:57 AM
Hi Gemini,

Having read all your posts, and recently been through a similar situation I can relate to how you are feeling.

Are there things you can do now to help yourself through your grief? My situation probably varies from yours in that I have 2 young children to care for and that means I have to, for their sakes and my own, try and be strong and move forwards.

I think this is made particularly hard when the 'relationship' has been confusing and sending mixed messages. However, you can only control your behaviour and not anyone elses.

Here are some of the things I have been doing to help me through;
- spending time with friends and family to keep my mind occupied.
- watching comedy and seeing friends who make me laugh, laughter is a good tonic.
- allowing myself a good cry in private when I've needed it.
- Practicing mindfulness guided meditation (there are some good talk through ones on youtube) to give my head some cleansing time.
- eating some chocolate cheesecake :-)
- doing nice things for me, massage, shopping, whatever it is you enjoy.
- allowing myself to feel my feelings but not trying to fix them with thoughts of what I could've done, what he could've done, what I could do now to 'fix' it. (easier said than done)
- planning something for the future, holiday?

I hope you can find peace, of some sort with all of this.

Hugs xx

Greengrasshoppe
07-10-14, 07:24 AM
The orig. post sounds so much like my BF

geministwin83
07-10-14, 10:15 AM
QUOTE]he was mostly polite, and aggressive like a normal horny man lol

Possibly off topic here, but what is aggressive like a normal horny man??[/QUOTE]

haha. like our first date, halfway thru it, he asked if he could sit next to me, put his arm around me and started kissing me. That's a pretty smooth move! Lots of groping. in a bar. we were really hot for each other lol. but then every text or correspondence was so polite. Never crude or sexual in any way.

geministwin83
07-10-14, 10:41 AM
I just want to know if there is a point.

Right now I feel cheated of a chance to know someone with the right expectations. Despite everything, he was the best man I've met and has the kindest heart. I was so crazy about him, but not crazy, he made me so calm. If he has made up his mind, is that it... I feel it is so unfair.

Thank you Kittyb21 - Yes - I am been grieving. Lol I'm pretty emotional so my cries are pretty public LOL. and also in my bathtub. I did go on a nice shopping spree (yay! Zara Summer Sale!), and actually where as I had been binging before we broke up, dealing with the confusion and neglect, my appetite has lessened now so I am losing weight which is great LOL.

I do keep thinking - what did I do to screw this up. What can I do now to fix things. I didn't have a long relationship but the feelings were still real. How did he go from saying he is committed to making us happy to just giving up so quickly, without even having seen me within that time. I know a lot of you have explained it to me. And I do understand. Knowing that you all have similar experiences makes me feel less alone in this. I thank you all so much!!!!!!

geministwin83
07-18-14, 12:17 PM
Hi Guys.

I have not been healthy and did a bit of e-stalking and found out that he is on the board of directions on a cultural society, and then also a director/trustee/member of a business association.

I am so boggled in the mind that he has so much ambition and so successful in his professional life, but can not apply the same to a relationship. As much as he said he was in love with me, he could only give me so little. With such a tenacious personality in his professional life, how could it be that in his personal life, it is so terrible :(

kittyb21
07-18-14, 04:32 PM
probably not a good idea, making yourself more upset x

Addesso
07-18-14, 11:56 PM
Do keep in mind that success, knowledge, and wisdom in one does not equate to the same in the other. There are plenty of brilliant, successful people who cannot manage a healthy personal relationship. It's comparing apples to oranges--or elephants.