:rolleyes: Hi ALL

Ever since on meds I became quite bold and daring. Something which was supressed since childhood. I enjoy it and the people around me most of the time too. When I got too far I appologise quickly.
That howerver becomes more difficult in relationships. After a few painful mishaps I really tried to be mindful.

"Nova" mentioned the word "fun" in the online dating game! That made it very clear to me.

So what happened was, I emailed a person I thought, would be great to meet , reply was positive and she was the first to suggest a meeting. Then connditions popped up and it was draging on. It also started hurting me. Because I thought it was worthwhile I kept on going (persistance is my middle name). Then another twist came which really hurt me and I thought "Am I not worthwhile or may a bit to front up". By the way there was not anything discriminative, obscene, rude by any stretch of imagination in my e-mails.

I was open ! Something I would not have dared a year ago!

Since I did not want to et hurt anylonger I wrote an email along the lines "I was very sad, ...and want to be treated as the person I am rightnow, with out the implied msg ' when you are divorced I like to meet you..may be'"..which was the latest twist.

Since I still thought she was worth more effort, I thought I formulated the e-mail as mindful as possible.

By the way I order the "Add relationship books" via Amazon.

Back to the story...what I also wrote !! was..." ...that she was badly hurt in the past, and she is now very frightened to get hurt again..implying..a) ...you need to take some risks b)....by your action you hurt someone else.

The reply was : ""Do not contact me again" and "I am sorry that I am (she) was lifetimes ahead of me.""

I can not make head or tail out of it since I did not write or imply that anyone of us had an edge in life experience. But certainly must have hit a very sore point.

I am doing a NLP (neuro linguistic programming) course next weekend and then enrole in a NLP program to become a certified NLP coach.

Must admit I never learned to communicated to males and even less to females. Hope the NLP stuff helps.

What are your ideas and experiences ? Looking forward to your reply!!!!:cool::p:rolleyes::)

Cheers Otto

I'm sorry I didn't catch your post sooner, it slipped right by me, or I would have responded more quickly.

I mean this in the gentlest way, and mind you this is just my first impression: but just because you are ready to get out there and take some chances doesn't mean everyone is. It was probably very difficult for her to even sign up for the dating service, let alone actually meet someone. Yes, she was wishy washy. If you have taken steps to do what you can and can do no more, a simple "I'm sorry you don't feel ready to meet. Maybe in time you will be interested, if you would like to contact me then that would be ok with me." So you have been gentle, still out there and bold, yet letting her stay in her comfort zone.

Try to tap into that ADD intuitiveness. If you sense someone is stand offish there may be a way to reassure them without being "pushy". I think when we ADDers get focused on something, determined, we can come across as too pushy and excited. It makes people back off. I know I can have that affect. People have physically backed away from me. Good grief.

Remembering my own dating experiences, there were definitely times that I tried too hard. I felt better about things when at the sign of stand-offishness I tried some kind reassurance and then let it be. I dropped it. When the ball is in their court there's nothing you can do at that point.

If I may offer some consolation, when it's in the "get to know you" stage, that's the time to just let things go with the flow. Pushing too hard can definitely make them back off. If you feel they are treating or reacting to you unfairly let it go and move on. If you're feeling hurt by the rejection try talking yourself through it, "I was nice to them, we tried, and it's just not meant to be. I'm not her type right now. I'll meet someone who will appreciate who I am." I don't think you were a jerk or anything, forgive her for not being ready. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I don't think she meant to hurt you, she was trying to keep herself safe. Does that make sense?

Good luck in your quest for someone extra-special.

:rolleyes: Hi ALL

Ever since on meds I became quite bold and daring. Something which was supressed since childhood. I enjoy it and the people around me most of the time too. When I got too far I appologise quickly.
That howerver becomes more difficult in relationships. After a few painful mishaps I really tried to be mindful.

"Nova" mentioned the word "fun" in the online dating game! That made it very clear to me.

So what happened was, I emailed a person I thought, would be great to meet , reply was positive and she was the first to suggest a meeting. Then connditions popped up and it was draging on. It also started hurting me. Because I thought it was worthwhile I kept on going (persistance is my middle name). Then another twist came which really hurt me and I thought "Am I not worthwhile or may a bit to front up". By the way there was not anything discriminative, obscene, rude by any stretch of imagination in my e-mails.

I was open ! Something I would not have dared a year ago!

Since I did not want to et hurt anylonger I wrote an email along the lines "I was very sad, ...and want to be treated as the person I am rightnow, with out the implied msg ' when you are divorced I like to meet you..may be'"..which was the latest twist.

Since I still thought she was worth more effort, I thought I formulated the e-mail as mindful as possible.

By the way I order the "Add relationship books" via Amazon.

Back to the story...what I also wrote !! was..." ...that she was badly hurt in the past, and she is now very frightened to get hurt again..implying..a) ...you need to take some risks b)....by your action you hurt someone else.

The reply was : ""Do not contact me again" and "I am sorry that I am (she) was lifetimes ahead of me.""

I can not make head or tail out of it since I did not write or imply that anyone of us had an edge in life experience. But certainly must have hit a very sore point.

I am doing a NLP (neuro linguistic programming) course next weekend and then enrole in a NLP program to become a certified NLP coach.

Must admit I never learned to communicated to males and even less to females. Hope the NLP stuff helps.

What are your ideas and experiences ? Looking forward to your reply!!!!:cool::p:rolleyes::)

Cheers OttoOtto,
This really is a hard thing. I feel like I am there with you. I get hyperfocused on people too. There is a point where you have to figure out where the hyperfocus is and calm down on that while you are trying to get to know a person. Easier said than done. I am fortunate in a sense that everyone I have "hyperfocused" on was worth the energy but not so fortunate in that it has scared so many of them away.

So... Here is where I am at in my life... I lay all my cards on the table. I really try to make sure women know who I am. It is their choice whether they like me or not. If not...I just try really hard not to take it personal or feel upset if they decide they do not. You see, if I truly like someone...I want what is best for them. If that is not me...I am ok with that. They need to have people in their lives that fulfill them.

I am not for everyone and you are not either. Us ADDers are so sensitive from lifetimes of rejection (Or many times...we don't even see when people are accecpting of us because we do not connect into the culture the way most people do). I am pretty strange and out there (sometimes more so than I think) but I am one of the most loving and caring people I know. I am sure you are probably the same :)

It is a painful learning process, but it is worth it! Always try to make a positive mark on people with your love and compassion.

The most important thing to remember is that that very "special person" out there for you...is yourself!

I have this constant dialog in my head about changing myself so that "women will like me". It should be more along the lines of asking myself, do I like myself?

Care about your self worth AND the feelings of the women that you deal with...always remember that for us ADDers... mis-understandings in communication are a huge problem (more so than you would think). Keep it simple, honest and to the point...and listen carefully. Try not to get hurt easily when you sense a slight, most people are not mean and hurtful...

I have to type all of this out, not only to share with you but as a mantra to myself as well (I do not have this mastered by any means.) :)

We are all growing and learning here :)

Cory

P.S. What is NLP? I graduated in linguistics so language is fascinating to me:)

Hi Chel and Cory

Your reply means a lot to me. You would not believe how lonely I felt ! Just your re-assurance and making me aware how we ADDers are puts things into perspective.
I have read your replye a few times and need to digest it.

Take rejection not personnally is a very difficult thing for me. I will work on it.

By the way you may have noticed that I got my userid changed from haseoh to ADDvantage:):rolleyes::cool: I'd like to think there are a lot of positive traits we ADDers have.

Cory NLP (neurolinguistic programming) the way I understand it works on the Hebbian plasticity of the brain. For the neuroscience part of it you may want to read "Synaptic Self". Bit difficult to read for non-meds because of the jargon. Once you in you'll be allright with it..its just science. There is a website for Australia and there's probably some in the US.

Cheers LOL Otto