View Full Version : My son; his medicine, and sending him to his father's house.


hedgie
07-18-14, 02:13 PM
My 5 y.o. son goes to his father's house every other weekend, we have been divorced about four years now.
I have some worries about sending my son with his Concerta to his dad's. My current husband brought up the fear in the first place last night.
So why the worries? One of the reasons I left him was that he is not the most responsible, reliable person out there. I'm also afraid that if I send the whole bottle, only part will come back. Let's just say it wouldn't be the first time he sold medicine. Honestly the only reason I let my son go to his house is because he married a very stable (and apparently patient) woman.
Should I just send enough to get him through the weekend? I would want to get an appropriate child proof container for it. What do I do if it is obvious that he hasn't given my son his meds? Do I call my lawyer and refuse visitation until he cooperates?
My ex-husband lives about 2 hours away, so I can't just pop in and give my son the meds myself.

silivrentoliel
07-18-14, 02:57 PM
What about one of those pill organizers and only put in what is needed for the weekend. Let his current wife know about it, maybe she can be the who is "in charge" of giving him his meds?

hedgie
07-18-14, 03:01 PM
His current wife and I don't talk. Apparently he has her believing some interesting non-facts about me that have been refuted by all of his family.

Rainbows
07-18-14, 04:21 PM
So your son also takes it on the weekend? He cant take a "break" from it? I understand if he can't, my son also needs his meds on the weekends and summers because he is violent and these help him a little better. Plus routine!

See if you can ask the Dr or pharmacist to have the prescription put in two bottles, one with the exact amount you need and one for the exact his father needs. Its better to have the labels on the bottles, but if you can't, yes, buy a "child-proof" bottle. Can you write a note to his wife just asking her to help( pack it in the bag ) Just say, "thank you for being so patient and helping with my son, her are his pills for the weekend". I know, dealing with the new wife or the exes, exes families are never easy!

As for court, dont take him just yet, try to see what you all can work out and see what the Dr says. Trust me, I get the non responsible issues with someone. Because they are not life saving pills ( in a sense) refusing visitation will make the situation worse. You should ask your lawyer for advice ahead of time and remain calm with your ex. Just keep explaining how important these pills are for your son etc.

I wish you luck

Ms. Mango
07-18-14, 06:20 PM
Concerta doesn't have to be taken every day. There have been some other custodial parents on the forums that have complained that the non-custodial parent does not give meds on weekend. Sometimes it's a problem, other times the non-custodial parent just deals with the behavior on their weekend.

There is no way you should give anyone your DS's entire bottle of pills. If something were to happen to them you wouldn't get any more for the rest of the month. When I go on vacation I pack enough for the days we'll be gone and then one more. In your case, since your Ex seems untrustworthy, I'd only pack what's needed for the weekend.

Can you get some assurance that he or his wife will give your son the pills on time? If he gives them to your DS, great, otherwise no harm--as long as he returns any unused pills to you at pickup. Personally, not giving the meds on a weekend isn't something I'd wage a custody battle over. Misappropriating the pills would be another case entirely.

Get a pill minder, you can find lots of good ones at your local pharmacy.

Lunacie
07-18-14, 06:35 PM
We use weekly pill reminders at our house - easy to send it along when the girls spend the weekend with dad -
and only enough meds left to get through the weekend. When they get home, we refill the case for the rest of the week.

We sent the whole bottle of meds one time and they got wet - wasted all of them.
Now it's just what they need for the weekend.

MADD As A Hatte
07-18-14, 07:26 PM
I've been in your situation. It took me a while to work out that things like this are, essentially, a loaded gun. You can either metaphorically cock the hammer and hand the weapon to your ex-husband so he can shoot you; or you can quietly unload the weapon, so he can't use it against you.

I presume your son takes 1x Concerta per day? When my children went to their father for a weekend, I would put two pills per child in a zip lock bag and send it in their overnight bag. No note with requests to please administer, no nothing.

If the children's father chose to give it to them, fine.
If not, fine whatever.
If the meds were not returned, fine, whatever.
If the meds came back, bonus!

I did this three times in a row. Result? Each time, no meds were given to the children and the zip lock bag came back untouched in the bottom of their bag.

At that point I metaphorically unloaded the weapon, and didn't send any more meds.

My ex husband moved onto something else as a means of winding me up. Eventually I learnt to dodge the bullets.

My legal expenses were nearly $120,000 by the time I learnt there is no point in trying to negotiate an arrangement with someone who only wants to wind you up.

The psychological cost of being messed with by him for five years through the court process, was far worse.

I wish you well.
.

Ms. Mango
07-18-14, 08:40 PM
^^^WSS. Who is the Ex hurting if your son doesn't get his meds? Some kids do fine on weekends without meds. If your DS isn't one of them then your Ex can deal with that on his time. His call.

I agree with MADD--make sure the Ex knows when/how to give the meds, give him enough for the weekend. ETA: then the ball's in his court.

Now, when your DS gets older and has homework to do on the weekend, that might be different. But your son will be older then and why worry about something that's years away.

hedgie
07-19-14, 09:10 AM
The big problem is that my son already has to be "reprogrammed" when he gets back from his dads. They have no structure there. We are very rigid even on weekends. He starts school in a month. Not in years. Our school district gives homework in kindergarten. There expected to finish knowing how to read simple books, do math, and write simple sentences. In first grade they start basic algebra. They don't mess around. They go all day every day. And I've told his father over and over there has to be structure even if it's just: awake by 7:30, lunch by 12, snack at 3, supper by 6, bed no later than 9. This is what we do, and have tried to do for a very long time. His dad admits he goes to bed by 11pm, up whenever, and everything else is on "whatever" status. Which really messed with him when he was in preschool. The first three days back after going to his dad's are stressful for everyone.
His dad should understand! He grew up with ADHD. His parents has to live on a rigid schedule too.
Then his father will bring him home saying he can't understand why ds had three break downs and wouldn't stop screaming. So yes, it effects me because it ripples over into the week. I've told his dad over ABC over that this is a problem.

Ms. Mango
07-19-14, 12:29 PM
That's a problem, but a different one than in your original post. Your DS might be even worse off if you send him with meds. Odds are your Ex won't give him the meds at all, but what if he gave them to your DS at lunch and then he couldn't fall asleep until 3 am?

You're not going to make this guy into a responsible adult and parent. It looks like wife #2 can't make it happen either. Is it court ordered visitation? Does your DS have to go? Does the Ex and new wife really want him there every other week?

My suggestion (and this is coming from someone not too familiar with custody arrangements) is to see if you can change things up so that the Ex has him less during the school year but more frequently during school breaks and the summer. Less reprogramming transitioning from visits to the school week. And don't send the meds if you think he isn't responsible to give them on time.

hedgie
07-19-14, 12:43 PM
It is court ordered visitation. He gets ds every other weekend and every other holiday. If I don't send him its considered contempt of court.
He may give him his meds, he might not. It might just be a "wait and see" situation. If he doesn't give them, I'll involve his pediatrician before my lawyer. If it comes to involving the lawyer, then things have gone to far obviously.

ccom5100
07-19-14, 01:00 PM
The big problem is that my son already has to be "reprogrammed" when he gets back from his dads. They have no structure there. We are very rigid even on weekends. He starts school in a month. Not in years. Our school district gives homework in kindergarten. There expected to finish knowing how to read simple books, do math, and write simple sentences. In first grade they start basic algebra. They don't mess around. They go all day every day. And I've told his father over and over there has to be structure even if it's just: awake by 7:30, lunch by 12, snack at 3, supper by 6, bed no later than 9. This is what we do, and have tried to do for a very long time. His dad admits he goes to bed by 11pm, up whenever, and everything else is on "whatever" status. Which really messed with him when he was in preschool. The first three days back after going to his dad's are stressful for everyone.
His dad should understand! He grew up with ADHD. His parents has to live on a rigid schedule too.
Then his father will bring him home saying he can't understand why ds had three break downs and wouldn't stop screaming. So yes, it effects me because it ripples over into the week. I've told his dad over ABC over that this is a problem.

That seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a 5 year old, especially one with ADHD. Kindergarten should be a fun learning experience, developing a child's creativity and social skills.

hedgie
07-19-14, 01:22 PM
That seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a 5 year old, especially one with ADHD. Kindergarten should be a fun learning experience, developing a child's creativity and social skills.

That's what it used to be. Now it's expected that kids go to a minimum of one year of preschool/head start. Ds went two years because they had a spot open when he was 3. It's the new kindergarten essentially. By the time they're done in preschool/head start they're expected to spell and recognize their whole name, count to 30 (and recognize the numbers), do simple math with counting peices (like pennies), know all of the common colors, all of the basic shapes, some advanced shapes, all the letters are the sounds they make, and be able to read several three letter words. There are many other things also.
His teacher has a son in his 20s that grew up with adhd so she tried several things with him before bringing me in to talk about her thoughts on it. She also told me that the kindergarten teachers wouldn't put up with his tendencies and he would either end up kicked out, held back, or in special education classes. That's why we started involving his pediatrician.

mildadhd
07-19-14, 03:06 PM
What does your son want?

Does he mind not taking his meds?

If he does not, why go through the worry of sending the meds?

If your ex really can't be trusted enough not to sell his son's meds, maybe the father should come over to your house?

P

MADD As A Hatte
07-20-14, 07:57 AM
It is court ordered visitation. ...

... If he doesn't give [the meds], I'll involve his pediatrician before my lawyer. If it comes to involving the lawyer, then things have gone to far obviously.

Hedgie, I truly understand your frustration, aggravation, despair, anger, sadness. I physically feel it, because unfortunately, I've had very similar experience to you.

I notice you've been divorced for four years. And still the negative interactions are going on, and it looks like there's potential for the aggro to escalate.

I separated/divorced when my children were the same age as your son is now. I had the same dramas, day in, day out. It was worse in the school holidays. It became exponentially worse when my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

After six years of what you're going through, I was as wrecked as wrecked can be. Financially, psychologically, professionally, socially. The road back is a story for another time.

In my estimation, based on experience and education, the problem in your situation, like mine, is not the law, it's not your child's medication, it's not what time your little boy goes to bed. The underlying issue is an uncommon but specific relationship dynamic. (Feel free to private message me if you want more detailed information.)

"If it comes to involving the lawyer ..." ...
... your ex-husband will have, again, check-mated you. All that's going to happen is you spending huge amounts of time and money and energy in a useless attempt to try to get him to do what you want.

Cats cannot be herded. Jellyfish cannot be nailed to the wall. Family law is structural. It can't legislate for the thousands of variables in family lifestyles (like bedtime, diet, bath time, which movies children watch on telly etc. etc.)

"The big problem is that my son already has to be "reprogrammed" when he gets back from his dads. ... "
The technical term is "TRANSITION". It is a known issue for ALL children who travel between households. Here's a link to some effective strategies, on the highly respected site, about.com:
http://singleparents.about.com/od/successfulcoparenting/a/simoneau_2.htm


"And I've told his father over and over ... "
Yes, Hedgie, and he's heard you OVER AND OVER. Every time you ask him for something, you're handing him ammunition. The reality is, you can only control what happens in your own household.

"I've told his dad over ... over that this is a problem."
He's not deaf! He's hearing you loud and claer. He's strategically using what YOU WANT as a way of NOT GIVING YOU what you want . Perfect! He does it because he KNOWS IT WORKS. The sources of this behavoiur are the same reasons underlying why you're no longer married.


Hedgie, truly, I feel your frustration. However, it's time to move on, time to prioritise who receives your love and your energy and your attention. I believe you will benefit most if you increase your ability to resist your ex-husband's provocation.

Having read your more recent posts, my considered suggestion is:

Disarm the weapon (your personal requirement for your ex's co-operation).
Send your son off for a happy weekend with his Dad.
Send NO MEDS.
Deal with the transition phase when your son returns home.

All the best
.

Rainbows
07-22-14, 09:39 AM
MADD As A Hatte is right, he has heard you but chooses his own way. I was the same way telling my ex ( even when we were together) things over and over praying he would finally realize, understand and do what the kids or I needed him to do. It will always be a never ending battle and its not worth it, no one wins, esp the child or us.

My kids would have attitudes, loss of sleep /structure as well. My daughter was ok to bounce back but my son yikes, still hard. It will never change unless his father one day gets tired of the bad sleep schedule or any issues attached.

So, what I do is I have an understanding/rule whatever you want to call it with my kids. They have their fun time with dad and when they come home they are back to "our routine" or they get no tv for a day etc IF they fight me and act up. Usually it takes a while for my son to bounce back and he does have trouble accepting it but, this is all I can do. Any child/person is better with structure, esp our kids, but they also have to learn that when they are late teens and adults, things will not always be this way and they have to learn techniques to handle future changes.

Good luck