View Full Version : Confusing situation - sorry very long and rambling


2000uk
07-19-14, 10:52 AM
A couple of months ago I reconnected on facebook with a guy that I used to work with and lost contact with. He always liked me but nothing ever happened beyond a drunken kiss one night. We ended up messaging for hours day and night and he told me that he had an executive functioning disorder which meant that he had a crap memory, was always late for things, struggled with anything serious in life etc. As I have had a tough few years we joked that he would help me to rediscover my wild fun side. We met up quite quickly and ended up staying together from Saturday evening till Monday lunchtime when he had to go to work. We talked non-stop for hours and he commented that he usually struggled to focus on what someone was saying for more than a few minutes but he had been enthralled by me for hours without losing focus once. Whilst with him he was taking medication and I could see that there was a visible difference when he had taken them. He messaged me when I left to tell me that he had ADHD PI and apologised for not telling me before but said that when he had eventually told his friends and family last year he had been told that they didn't believe in ADHD, never mentioned it again and he felt that he was viewed differently and treated like a 'mental patient'. He said that he realised that he was different in his early teens and was eventually diagnosed 8 years (after many years of pushing doctors for help) so had been sat alone with this for approx. 20 years and felt really alone when he got that reaction and over the years had isolated himself a lot from people.

He opened up quite a lot to me and I didn't judge him and accepted and liked his 'eccentricities'. He made it clear from the start that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship saying 'I wish I could be the guy that you deserve but I'm so far from him, until that prick comes along let’s spend all our time naked' I took that as meaning that he was wanting to have some no strings fun but with hindsight I can see that the comment about him not being the guy I deserve is probably about his low self-esteem.

After a few weeks he told me that he was going to stop taking his medication as he was sick of the side effects saying that whilst it would be hard at first (and he warned me to ignore him if he was bit miserable that week) but he would hopefully be back to his usual self soon or possibly even new and improved. He went very quiet then, appeared to start to withdraw from me and started self-medicating with lots of weed, valium, MDMA etc. He then went back onto his meds and said that he felt like a loser or an addict if he couldn't do without them. I urged him to talk to his doctor about getting his medication reviewed and some kind of behavioural therapy but he refused saying that he didn't see the point as the doctors hadn't really helped him at all. I don't think that ADHD is recognised and treated the same way in the UK as it is in America.

When we were together he would spend hours kissing me and we were very intimate (lots of gazing into my eyes, holding my hand etc.). I was finding it hard to separate my emotions from the physical side of our relationship. He would sometimes make comments like 'I can't believe that I am in 2000uks bed, if only I could go back and talk to me 13 years ago he would never believe this'. He would appear really into it when he was with me and would message loads over the next few days and would then go quiet for a day or 2 often followed by a message to apologise for not being in touch saying that he was struggling and had been cutting himself off a bit but would sort himself out and telling me that we would have the fun that he had promised me. He said that he was getting into negative routines and patterns that he needed to break away from. I never placed any pressure on him and made it clear that if he wanted a break he was welcome to come and stay with me for a few days any time.

A few weeks back he agreed to come over for the weekend. He then messaged on Friday saying that he had not slept well and would be good for nothing and asked if he could come Saturday instead. I said that this was fine and stressed to him that he didn't need to feel obliged to come and if he wasn't feeling up to it that was fine. He said that he wanted to come over and would contact me later. He contacted me 24 hours later to say that he was still feeling crap and didn't think that he should come. I told him that was fine but that I was going to back off a bit as he it appeared that he was feeling pressured to make arrangements that he couldn't keep and I would wait to hear from him. He immediately messaged back saying that he really wanted to come but didn't think that he would be much fun etc. I told him that I was not expecting him to entertain me and that it was meant to be about him getting away and chilling out for a couple of days. He then said that in that case he would come and we had a nice, relaxed couple of days. He thanked me afterwards saying that it was exactly what he needed.

The next weekend (we only tend to see each other at weekends as I have a stressful job and if he met up in the week it would result in no sleep as we always sit up talking for hours) we went out and met up with some of his family. He instigated this and it felt like he was making an effort as previously we have mainly spent time one on one at home. He then messaged asking me to book some time off work so that we could spend some more time together, which I did, before going quiet again and texting apologising a few days later saying that he was struggling again. He said that staying at mine the other weekend really helped but he had gradually wound down to where he was before and asked if I wanted to go away for a few days. He said that he was sorry but when he gets back on top of things he promises that we will have fun. I messaged back to say that I was working from home for the next couple of days and told him to throw some stuff in a bag and come and crash at mine for a few days if it would help. He then said that he had plans for the next few nights and suggested meeting up after that. At this point I wondered if the issue was me as if he was finding things really hard he wouldn't be making plans with other people would he? So I asked him and said that I wasn't having a go or anything but if there was an issue with me to just tell me as we are both adults. He replied saying that it's not me but knowing that I get paranoid like that if he doesn't have the energy for conversation every day makes him feel worse than he already does and that he likes what we have and would only change 2 things 1) for him to have more energy and 2) for me to relax and feel more secure in myself. He also reminded me that he is a psychiatric patient who feels stifled if he spends too much time with people. Now I didn't react too well to that and sent him back a stroppy message saying that he was assuming that I was getting paranoid and if he goes from constant messaging to nothing is it really wrong that I question if things are ok. I told him that I had been really tolerant of his recent ups and downs and that I had hardly harassed him or put pressure on him as when he went quiet I tended to just leave him to it.

He didn't reply to this and so a few days later I sent a message saying that he was clearly finding this a struggle so suggested that we call it off and I really wanted the guy back who made me laugh my head off. I said no pressure but you know where I am. He replied saying that he didn’t mean to annoy me , it wasn’t on purpose, we should be able to go for a few days without speaking to each other and that I was still the person that he had most contact with over the last week and that he had let down 3 different groups of people during the last week. I told him that I wasn’t annoyed and knew it wasn’t on purpose but was sad that he was shutting me out when I wanted to be able to support him. I reminded him that we were supposed to be about having fun and getting away from the crap in life. He responded that the last paragraph answered the first. I replied saying ‘I am not going to hassle you but want to let you know that I care about you and want to be a part of your life. Friends are not just there for the good times. I will leave it down to you though and will back off and give you space to work through stuff. You know where I am and I will be there if you need me any time 24/7’ He thanked me and said that he was starting to pick up again.

That was last weekend. It was my birthday on Thursday and nothing. I didn’t really expect him to remember but I could see that he had been on facebook that day and there were people on there wishing me a happy birthday. All I wanted was a message, some kind of acknowledgement. I hate that social media will show me that he has been online too as it turns me into a neurotic teenager! I had the facebook messenger app open that evening and took my eyes off the screen for a moment and accidently sent him a thumbs up (it is so sensitive and we have both accidently sent those before) I was so annoyed with myself and immediately wrote ‘Ignore that. It was a mistake’ He came online straight away and said ‘Hey how are you?’ I was upset and really didn’t want to get into a conversation where I might say something that I might regret so was just very brief ‘Fine thanks. You?’ He said ‘I'm Ok. Sorry I haven't been in touch, I've been leaving my phone alone to get a break from the internet and everything’ I just responded ‘No worries’. We have had no contact since.

My friends think that he is a game player and I should just stay away. I really don’t think that he is but he is clearly struggling and I can’t help but think that it is linked to me as he seems to have spiralled into this depression as we got closer. I know that he has his issues but he is also one of the funniest, kindest, smartest people I have ever met. I do feel upset though and it is almost as if I am tiptoeing around his issues and ignoring the fact that I am actually quite upset. He is struggling with being different but I like him because he is different not in spite of his differences. For example I love that he will come to my house with a briefcase carrying his weekend things in because he needs a bag. I’m not really sure where to go from here. I am thinking that a relationship clearly would not work for him but I do want to be part of his life because I care about him and I trust him. I have met plenty of ‘normal’ people who are not nice and this guy is great but beating himself up for being different from the norm. I feel like I should walk away or wait for him to come to me but I also want to reach out and let him know that I am here and that am not just going to sod off because he is struggling. I am a bit all over the place and wanting to be understanding but struggling a bit myself now :(
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kittyb21
07-19-14, 07:08 PM
Hi 2000, too tired to write much now but maybe we've been dating the same guy :-/ xx

Flory
07-19-14, 07:11 PM
tl;dr....can i have a summation of that post?

sorry to sound rude

Lunacie
07-19-14, 08:10 PM
tl;dr....can i have a summation of that post?

sorry to sound rude

That's what I was going to post - just so the OP would know why so many have viewed the thread but few have responded.

ToneTone
07-20-14, 03:29 PM
To 2000uk

Thanks for coming. I really appreciate your desire to get feedback from this board.

The forum is full of people like me who have ADHD--we have attention difficulties. Most of us simply can't make ourselves read through a post like yours--it's too long. Also ADHDers have problems starting tasks that look hard. And your posts--its length--immediately looks hard, which means we will put off reading it which usually means we won't get to reading it at all.

So I humbly request that you rewrite your post and cut it by half to two-thirds. Also I request that you make your paragraphs shorter.

Give us the gist of your story: we don't need all the details. You will be able to add details after we start our responses and pose questions to you. You can respond and add more information.

Now, here is the ultimate irony: I'm a writing teacher and I study the reading and writing habits of highly educated professional people the people I'm trying to prepare my students to write for. And for online writing even highly educated professionals who read long dense academic articles for their profession--even they don't read through long posts.

Good luck. I look forward to reading something shorter.

Tone

2000uk
07-20-14, 04:32 PM
I am sorry, I guess it was cathartic to rant on and get it all out. By doing that I have realised that maybe I can't continue with this relationship as I didn't realise how hard I was finding it. Thanks for your responses, I appreciate it (especially you Tone).

Basically I recently got involved with an amazing guy who has ADHD PI. He wasn't diagnosed until 8 years ago and had essentially felt 'different' since his early teens so had been struggling for 20 years or so. As we have got closer he has withdrawn more and has essentially shut himself off from the world and me.

We knew each other in 2000 when we worked together and he always liked me but now that we are involved he keeps saying things like 'I can't believe that I am in 2000uks bed' and that he is so far from the person that I deserve to be with. His self esteem appears to be pretty low.

I find it hard to trust people and started to really let my barriers down with him and was seduced by how intimate he is - gazing into my eyes, holding my hand etc. He always seemed to be really into me when he was with me but after a day or two would appear to slump into a depression.

He decided after a few weeks to stop taking his meds as he didn't like the side effects and things have gone downhill since then. He isolated himself and stayed at home lots self medicating with weed, MDMA, valium etc before going back onto his meds and then feeling like a failure.

The last few weeks I have not seen him as he has told me that he wants to sort his head out so that we can have fun. I have tried to say that I want to be there for the good times as well as the bad but it makes no difference. This week it was my birthday and he didn't even send me a text although I could see that he had been on facebook so he must have known.

He clearly has some things that he needs to sort out and I don't think that I can help him with this if he keeps shutting me out so I guess that we are done. I have tried to understand his ADHD and came here to try and see things more from his perspective.

kittyb21
07-20-14, 05:12 PM
:grouphug:

Sorry for your sadness and hurt xx

ToneTone
07-21-14, 04:54 PM
2000uk

When I was in ADHD denial, and before I committed myself to aggressive and extended treatment, it would have been (and was!) a waste of time and energy for anyone woman wanting a long-term relationship to get involved with me.

I simply wasn't capable of giving any self-respecting woman the commitment, time, focus, clarity, consistency or self-awareness that a good relationship requires. Plus, I was impulsive and would make snap and foolish decisions about starting relationships that I had no intention of committing to.

You write, "but now that we are involved he keeps saying things like 'I can't believe that I am in 2000uks bed' and that he is so far from the person that I deserve to be with. His self esteem appears to be pretty low."

When someone tells you that they don't feel worthy of dating you, believe them! People do not make such a statement/admission casually. About 99.9 percent of the time, a statement like that reflects DEEP feelings of unworthiness.

I have tried to say that I want to be there for the good times as well as the bad but it makes no difference.

There is a difference between temporary struggles (a person experiences the death of a parent, for example) vs. deep, long-term insecurities and problems.

In my view, we do NOT want to be there for another person's deep issues before we are clear that their good qualities dwarf their problems. You don't want to start off shouldering another's problems.

It's painful when someone pulls away from us, particularly someone we had high hopes for. But he's flashed a number of red flags in front of you.

Good luck.

Tone

2000uk
07-26-14, 09:20 AM
Thanks a lot Tone, you are of course right.

I didn't see the red flags that were in front of me as they were said with humour and I guess I heard what I wanted to hear and with hindsight I can see things a bit clearer now.

I sent him a message essentially telling him how I was feeling and he sent me back a huge message which really did show what a mess he is at the moment. Twice now I have sent him messages essentially giving him an out but he has come back very apologetic and saying that he likes what we have, that it is more than just a one night stand etc but to be honest it doesn't really matter how he see's it when I can't be in a relationship with someone who is all over the place.

He is messing about with his meds again and trying to reduce the dosage but refuses to go back to his doctor. When I questioned this I felt that he was just looking for excuses to not really address his issues. I get that it is really difficult but I also think that he is making his problems worse and running away from things.

I am done, maybe one day I will be his friend but I really don't think that I can be any more.

DJ Bill
05-29-16, 09:17 AM
He decided after a few weeks to stop taking his meds as he didn't like the side effects and things have gone downhill since then. He isolated himself and stayed at home lots self medicating with weed, MDMA, valium ( Huge Red Flag... Addictive behavior is really tough for relationship s, and he probably needs some help, rehab, 12 step program, counseling, etc..) etc before going back onto his meds and then feeling like a failure.

The last few weeks I have not seen him as he has told me that he wants to sort his head out so that we can have fun. I have tried to say that I want to be there for the good times as well as the bad but it makes no difference. This week it was my birthday and he didn't even send me a text although I could see that he had been on Facebook so he must have known.(Not Necessarily... he is ADD PI, and assumptions like that are often not true - as an example, I can't remember anyone's birthday, and I have to actually do the math to figure out my age when someone asks me. .)

He clearly has some things that he needs to sort out and I don't think that I can help him with this (You can't change someone else, only yourself. You are quite correct, but make sure you know it is his problem to correct, nobody else can do it for him. ) if he keeps shutting me out so I guess that we are done. I have tried to understand his ADHD and came here to try and see things more from his perspective.

Sounds like the poor guy has some serious work to do on himself before he is ready for a relationship. I've added some comments to the quote above. Encourage him to seek some answers and do the work on himself he needs to do, but don't try to fix him yourself. I've been in his shoes and am very glad I didn't ever get married as it would have been a trainwreck. All my serious relationships were short, and failed mostly due to my ADD, even back when I thought ADD was just a fad. (It's definitely not!)

ADHDWife&Mom
06-07-16, 11:24 AM
I am married to a man with ADHD but do not have it myself.

This man you are talking about does not seem to be in a good place with his ADHD. There are some things you said that seem very "normal" for a person with ADHD which can be very difficult for a partner to deal with. The fact that he is changing up his meds and taking other forms of meds that are not prescription makes me think that he needs to get some medical help because that is not a good route to go into. People with ADHD often have addictive personalities and moving into behavior like that can cause some major problems.
Forgetting your birthday, even after FB has shown him its your birthday is actually very common. If you cant deal with something like that dont even bother with this man. He will forget your birthday, anniversary, holidays, dates, your children's birthdays, etc. This is an ADHD thing and I dont think it even goes away with meds (although I do not have experience with a medicated spouse). It is just something you will have to get used to. 99% of all gifts Ive gotten have been purchased by my husband either the day before or the day of a special day.

I think if you really like this man and you really feel a connection with him you need to read up on all of the ADHD behaviors. See what you are getting into and if you can handle it before you proceed. There are a lot of things that people with ADHD do that make relationships harder. If they find the right person who understands and is willing to give them some room to be who they are and help them be better, it can work out though. You will have to be patient and you will have to be forgiving. You will have to decide if the feelings you have for this man are strong enough for you to continue. And I would suggest that if you decide to continue this relationship that you insist that he get some medical help. The fact that he is using drugs and is depressed is not a good situation. Good luck to you.