View Full Version : If I become suicidal, it will be because of my OCD/Writing Compulsion


tylerdurden101
07-29-14, 04:48 PM
I am 20. I had cancer when i was younger and was sexual abused twice when i turned 17, i started writing non stop at that age, constantly taking notes - having so many ideas, writing down every thought all while feeling like life is a long daydream and i feel like im sexually available to anyone/everything which is scary. i started to have graphic intrusive imagery (incest, homicide, murder, violence) and the writing spiraled out of control, i have over 300k words worth of notes but they are all fragmented and I look at them like "What is that?"

My mind is always on creative overdrive, anytime someone talks or if I read something - it can trigger a new image or form full dialogue... for this reason I avoid mostly all music/movies/literature. I can not read books. Even my external stimuli, exhausts me. The doctors say it is PTSD/pure ocd/major depression and general anxiety but I don't know if that really makes sense.

I create dialogue and imagery out of poems I write in blackout moments. I never grew up reading literature but I finished a manuscript and have been in talks with a few literary agents and publishers... I always noting details of imagery, I can barely handle a text messaging conversation without using it as dialogue, or listen to someone talk and have a conversation. - I am constantly re appropriating from my own source. It feels so odd. I am very much out of control.

I only read non-fiction, I have a very hard time processing fiction yet I write fiction. The writing gets so exhausting that I feel like the only way out would be through suicide. I just don't want my creative process to be this messy all my life and wish I could be like those lit major guys who are sane and try to write instead of it being so explosive and disturbing. I am extremely afraid and paranoid about medication knowing what happens to boys my age who take it, I just don't know what to do.

I'm giving up. I can't handle this. I can't handle having to write down that I used a towel over my door knob to open it because my hands were too wet. These details. Ouch. I have no idea why I do these things. I feel like everything is chasing after me, like my old emails are just laying there - and I need to go through them and delete things but I know I'll just be compiled to take notes. It's so horrifying, waking up everyday with this.

EDIT: YES, I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH PURE OCD and PTSD. My body does not feel real, nothing feels real - everyone is yelling at me. ALSO I AM SORRY IF I SOUND LIKE A NARCISSIST, BUT NONE OF MY ISSUES ARE IDIOSYNCRATIC. I am NOT playing the "I'm special" card because I'm not, if anything I am special-ed.

willow129
07-29-14, 07:29 PM
What happens to boys your age who take medicine?

Maybe you need to weigh the pros and cons more, if you're this depressed it seems a little unreasonable to be opposed to medication that may actually help you.

aeon
07-30-14, 12:33 AM
I am sorry to hear you are unwell, tylerdurden101.

I can empathize with some of what you are going through. I was sexually abused both as a young child and at age 19.

I experienced derealization, dissociation, the sense of being marked as prey, the brain overdrive that I could not turn off, the feeling of an inner chaotic energy over which I had no control...

I want to tell you that I both feel for where you are now, and that I know it is possible to find some peace and to heal...not just to survive, but actually thrive.

One thing I would ask you to do is to find a therapist who specializes in a client-centered, trauma-based approach. They will be able to partner with you and offer you the tools and resources necessary for your return to a place of well-being.

Part of the reason I say this to you is because I did not do that for myself, and I suffered for years, wandering wounded and lost, when it wasn't necessary and could have been otherwise.

I do not want you to suffer any longer than can be avoided, and it can be avoided with suitable therapy.

I don't know you personally, tylerdurden101, but of this I am sure...the world is a better place for your being in it, even if that is hard to appreciate or understand right now.


I hope for your best and your health and well-being,
Ian

Fuzzy12
07-30-14, 02:42 AM
im so sorry for everything you ve been through. that sounds like a nightmare. Have you got a therapist?

midnightstar
07-30-14, 03:36 PM
Sorry to hear you're struggling so much, hope you stay here and keep talking to us :grouphug: