Evening.
Not quite depressed but this fits as well as any... Just sad. Lonely mostly... That always-present foe that I can never quite banish. I'll go days without remembering and be (relatively) fine and then *whack* like with a mallet to the chest, I remember how lonely I am...
Used to be I hated myself. All my "failings" and SNAFU's would pile against myself and I'd just sit there crying and saying: 'Why doesn't anyone love me?' or 'How could anyone love me...' like a ping-pong match. It'd go away for a day or two but always there.
Then some good counseling later and the self-loathing got worked through (mostly? Does it ever really go away... ?) But still I'm here, again; wishing I had someone in my life...
My roommate's cool and actually cares about me but we're from such different backgrounds that we never really connect...
My 'friends' are cool except I always feel like the pillar around them. Like I can't just be broken. Like they're life's a mess enough without me 'whining'. Yeah, I got the right but what can they say? They're lonely too.
My mentor's cool. Loves me regardless and sees me for the neat guy I know I am in my healthiest moments. But he's got a family, and a job, and a wife. Can't just hang out when I hurt just 'cause I hurt...
I'm stepping out and meeting folx. Went back to school this semester (1st time in 10 years... wow. A lot more capable of discipline but I forgot the whole studying thing... And a bibliography? sheesh...) Love my class and some classmates are cool but most of them are waaaay young to really connect with. Mostly feel like a mentor. Or a guidance counselor... ;) Few who are my age I just can't seem to connect to either. Lack of social skills, I guess... That or not paying attention. People quit trying eventually.
Just feel like I'm awash still... still... My whole life I've been relatively alone and I hate it. I love people... I love life... Except I just feel 'empty' sometimes. Correction, much or the time...
I know I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot more who feel this way or worse but Gah!... I'm sick of always hoping for that next day, ya know? That stupid song, 'Hold on for one more day' is like a mantra. And I hate it too...
I want to be 'OK' with just now. To understand I'm 'complete'. To not need so desperately I hurt.... I know the 'healthy' perspective is just around the corner but I can't ever get there. No, I don't "need" people, I just "want" them... And it seems no matter how much I try to integrate I just slide thorugh society. Can't quite mesh. Can't quite connect...
And still my heart yearns for intimacy... A yearning that's never really known filling... Or contentment....

*Sighs* Ow...

Hi Ottscott: Just a suggestion - one of the ways to ease your pain, is to go out and meet new people. I'm not sure what you like to do, but things like a gym, enrolling in an inexpensive class doing something you enjoy (sculpting, gardening, etc.), becoming active in the community, bike riding - one thing slowly leads to another and I think this works. As others have said, meditating on 'loneliness' is not healthy. I used to think I could 'take it or leave it', as far living was concerned, but it's beginning to dawn on me, that the chance to cycle - to live, is very unique and important - maybe even something that the gods envy, so maybe we ( and I include myself here) should not waste its moments.
Bruce

I hear u man.
I feel the same way every day

Evening.
Not quite depressed but this fits as well as any... Just sad. Lonely mostly... That always-present foe that I can never quite banish. I'll go days without remembering and be (relatively) fine and then *whack* like with a mallet to the chest, I remember how lonely I am...
Used to be I hated myself. All my "failings" and SNAFU's would pile against myself and I'd just sit there crying and saying: 'Why doesn't anyone love me?' or 'How could anyone love me...' like a ping-pong match. It'd go away for a day or two but always there.
Then some good counseling later and the self-loathing got worked through (mostly? Does it ever really go away... ?) But still I'm here, again; wishing I had someone in my life...
My roommate's cool and actually cares about me but we're from such different backgrounds that we never really connect...
My 'friends' are cool except I always feel like the pillar around them. Like I can't just be broken. Like they're life's a mess enough without me 'whining'. Yeah, I got the right but what can they say? They're lonely too.
My mentor's cool. Loves me regardless and sees me for the neat guy I know I am in my healthiest moments. But he's got a family, and a job, and a wife. Can't just hang out when I hurt just 'cause I hurt...
I'm stepping out and meeting folx. Went back to school this semester (1st time in 10 years... wow. A lot more capable of discipline but I forgot the whole studying thing... And a bibliography? sheesh...) Love my class and some classmates are cool but most of them are waaaay young to really connect with. Mostly feel like a mentor. Or a guidance counselor... ;) Few who are my age I just can't seem to connect to either. Lack of social skills, I guess... That or not paying attention. People quit trying eventually.
Just feel like I'm awash still... still... My whole life I've been relatively alone and I hate it. I love people... I love life... Except I just feel 'empty' sometimes. Correction, much or the time...
I know I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot more who feel this way or worse but Gah!... I'm sick of always hoping for that next day, ya know? That stupid song, 'Hold on for one more day' is like a mantra. And I hate it too...
I want to be 'OK' with just now. To understand I'm 'complete'. To not need so desperately I hurt.... I know the 'healthy' perspective is just around the corner but I can't ever get there. No, I don't "need" people, I just "want" them... And it seems no matter how much I try to integrate I just slide thorugh society. Can't quite mesh. Can't quite connect...
And still my heart yearns for intimacy... A yearning that's never really known filling... Or contentment....

*Sighs* Ow...

I myself feel the same way every day. It feels as though something is wrong and you just can't quite put your finger on it. I was wondering if this is from ADD or if it's some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain. I personally smoke marijuana at times, and it sort of brings these worries to the surface and I can then acknowledge them. My question is do you smoke marijuana, and if so, perhaps this isn't beneficial at all, but only makes things worse. I quit smoking for a while to see if this amplified my worries, and it made me feel better about everything, however, I still get agitated and feel depressed sometimes. Another question I have to ask is, have you taken depression medication? This could also have been a factor that started this unhealthy trend for me. I found that happy music, and accepting your lonelyness help. By accepting, I mean realize that you can have fun when you aren't with anyone. People may be pack animals now, but we weren't always, and it's hard to get through this world alone. But it can be done, and if you can learn to be happy with yourself being alone, then you can do anything!

Any input is valued. Thanks and I hope you feel better!