View Full Version : At the end of my rope


Nevergreen
08-13-14, 12:15 AM
Hi all -

New member here. I hope it's OK that I just jump right in (I've been reading around for a day or two). I don't really have anyone I can confide in, and I am just at the end of my rope with my ADHD husband - to the point that I am starting to wonder what life would be like if we were divorced. I apologize for the length of this.

We've been married for 11 years. He came to the US from the UK so we could be married. Outside of his casual relationships with my friends and family, he basically only knew me. When we got married, he was 24 and I was 28. For the first couple years, I attributed his lack of of motivation and failure to take initiative or follow through on things to him being relatively young, in an unfamiliar country, and not having a good support system. After 3 years, we move state, and I again excused some of his behaviors to being in a new environment. The problem was that it just never felt like he grew up.

We own a home. He convinced me that this was the exact home for us, despite my reluctance about taking upkeep of our house. I'm not an outdoorsy person, hate doing yard work, etc. He promised that he just couldn't wait to have a home and yard to take care of, he was dying to put in a vegetable garden, etc. In the 6 years we've been here, he's made next to no improvements. Anything done to improve the interior is something I did, and outside of laying some mulch and planting some flowers (after I completely lost my mind on him a few weeks back,) he has let the outside fall in to disrepair. I try to do what I can, but I have the inside to take care of (plus, I have grass and tree allergies, am petrified of bugs, and generally don't enjoy the outdoors). I always seem to fall for his assurances that he'll get it taken care of, only to find myself regretting that decision weeks later when the work sits undone. For reference of how bad the situation is: it's mid-August. He's mowed the grass a total of 4 times this summer. I've suggested just hiring out the work, but he gets extremely adamant about not doing that. I did ultimately pay to have our gutters cleaned, after begging him to do it for 6 months and watching rain just spilling over the side and settling next to our house. I gave him one last chance to do it, reminding him that our insurer could decide to cancel our policy for failure to maintain the property, and that our foundation could be damaged, and that the new roof could be ruined with water just sitting in those gutters... and he still procrastinated.

Of course, house work isn't the only issue. He spends hours each evening in front of his computer, usually playing games. I've repeatedly told him that I wish he'd come to bed at a reasonable time and cut back a little on the games. He changes his behavior for a couple days, but quickly returns to the daily gaming marathons. (I've started to wonder if there is other behavior taking place during those late nights). Even when we are out and about, he's got his cell phone out and is surfing Facebook, or watching Youtube videos, or whatever.

He is responsible for doing daycare drop-off and pick-up for our 4 year old son, as my commute is quite a bit longer (and in the opposite direction of the daycare). Probably 9 times out of 10, I come home to find my husband at the computer, and our son watching TV. Maybe once every other week, my husband will take our son to the park after daycare, but on those days that he doesn't, it's clear that they aren't really doing anything together. It falls to me to come home, sort out dinner, entertain our son (and try to drag him away from the TV,) and then help him get ready for bed. I've heard our son asking his dad to play with him, and my husband will put him off in favor of "unwinding" in front of the computer (the games he plays are strategy/shooter games, and they get him quite agitated). If I push, my husband will play with our son, but then I usually have to referee some argument that they get in. (Yes, my 35 year old husband will allow a 4 year old to goad him into arguing). He believes that he's entitled to as much computer time as he wants, because he's doing the drop-off/pick-up and might be alone with our son for an extra 90 minutes or so a day.

There are other issues: The fact that we can never, ever get somewhere on time because my husband makes us late. His increasingly vulgar sexual advances toward me (never "you look beautiful", but "I like your *** in those pants"). He has just one preferred sex act, and has for 4 years now. He will stare at me when I try to express my feelings, and then turn around and walk away without saying a word. He's careless with money and does not help achieve any of our financial goals. He has absolutely no support system after 11 years of being here - I am everything to him: caretaker, wife, friend, sounding board, cook, cleaner, entertainer. I have done everything I can to encourage him to build other relationships, and he just doesn't do it. He is becoming increasingly angry and hostile.

He's been diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD, but he will not take meds. He hyperfocused on any possible side effects from them, and was so "vigilant" about the slightest headache, dizzy spell, or upset stomach that he took himself off every med within 2-3 weeks of starting. We spent $800 on assorted ADHD meds, and he never finished a single prescription. He is now on some sort of vitamin/supplement cocktail - and it's not working. He refuses to believe me when I tell him this.

I'm tired. I work full-time. I am returning to college to finish my degree. I have a small child. I do a little volunteer work. And I occasionally try to do something for myself, but have been learning that it's easier just not to bother with this, because I am made to feel guilty when I do. I've pretty much lost most of my friends, either because I've been too ashamed to invite them to my home, or feel too guilty to schedule time with them, or am too busy taking care of things my husband didn't do. My mother thinks my husband is a gem - she doesn't see all these other issues, or claims that I'm "too hard" on him.

We start marriage counseling on Wednesday. But honestly, unless he's willing to get on a medication and get help, I don't know that I can keep doing this. It's exhausting. It's lonely. It's draining.

Does this ever get better?

jende2
08-13-14, 11:10 AM
I'm very sorry that you are going through this. You pretty much described my life with my live-in boyfriend - all last year when he was unmedicated we lived like you described.

I think it's imperative that your husband find and stay on an ADD medication that is right for him. I see no other way for this situation to improve.

My boyfriend was diagnosed this Spring, put on meds, and is SO MUCH better. Life with him is manageable again. Like you, if he refused to seek treatment, I was ready to sell the house and go our separate ways. It was THAT bad. Sure, he has had side effects. But he consults with his psych, and has changed his lifestyle.

Additionally, I think that its VERY important that your marriage counselor has knowledge of ADD. Otherwise you will be spinning your wheels. Honestly? I think your husband needs an ADD coach and meds, not you and he going to marital counseling. I think you will see - as I did - that if HE gets the help he needs, your marriage will improve.

Kelleigh16
08-13-14, 02:45 PM
I am also sorry you are going through this. I am not married and have only been dating my ADHD partner for about six months so I do not have much experience. However, I would like to share the experience I have and if it helps you at all - wonderful! I have been dating a man with ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) for about six months. I hardly noticed any symptoms in the beginning. He was on a time released medication so I did start to notice he would get a bit more compulsive and had difficulty focusing later in the evening (when his meds were probably wearing off).

My boyfriend has been off his meds for a few weeks now due to an insurance issue. The difference has been incredibly dramatic. He doesn't even seem like the same person some days. He should be able to get back on the medication in September and I am counting down the days. I cannot fathom living with him this way for 11 years. I am inspired by your patience and strength.

I agree with Jende2. I don't think there is much hope of his behavior changing unless he is medicated. A marriage counselor would be extremely helpful for a normal couple. He or she likely doesn't know anything about adult ADHD and I don't think the same rules apply in a relationship with an ADHD partner. Therefore, I am not sure how helpful a counselor will be. I see a therapist and she doesn't have a background in ADHD so she gives me very little advice regarding my relationship.

There are some expectations I have that would be very reasonable if I was dating a man that did not have ADHD, but the expectations are unrealistic for my boyfriend. For example, I generally have to remind my boyfriend to do things like take time off work for a vacation or send in an RSVP for a wedding. Expecting him to remember all minor details like this would be unrealistic - even with medication. I don't mind giving reminders and he appreciates it when I remind him of things like that. I will likely be the one to manage the finances if we decide to marry. I am ok with that too.

What I am not ok with is the lack of attention to the point of ignoring me, saying hurtful things for no reason, showing little to no affection unless he wants sex, constantly breaking or changing plans, etc. These are some of things that have been happening lately and if he decided he didn't want to go back on his meds I would walk away. Actually, I would run. I love him, but I also love myself and understand what my needs are in a relationship.

I appreciate the fact that you are in a marriage and have a child. My heart goes out to you. The best advice I can give is to write down what you need and want in a relationship. Bring it to the counselor and review it with the counselor and your husband. Pick a date in the future when you would like to have made a decision (do not tell your husband about this date as it would only anger him). Keep a journal and track how you feel about yourself, your husband, and the relationship each day or as often as you can. This has helped me not question myself after making a decision. Feelings can be overwhelming, but they are fleeting. I try not to make decisions based on feelings, but rather on facts.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Nevergreen
08-13-14, 06:31 PM
Thanks, Jende2 and Kelleigh. Our first session took place this morning, and I felt a little vindicated that our therapist told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to get himself into therapy and on meds for the ADHD, because it was clearly the source of many of our issues. He admitted that he just "lets" me take charge of things because he knows that eventually I will - just like his parents or older brother handled him when he was younger. It helps me to know that he at least recognizes that this isn't how things should be. And there are other things at play here that lead me to think that marriage counseling is the right path to solve some of our problems (though I wholeheartedly agree that he's got to see someone on his own.)

I think that I just handled it for all these years because I never really felt like there has been a choice. But now with my school responsibilities, and our son growing up (and observing how we interact with one another,) I know that something has to change in this situation.

I appreciate both your responses.

ToneTone
08-13-14, 06:36 PM
Wow that must be frustrating.

The red flag for me is that he has dismissed treatment. I agree with the others here in saying he badly needs treatment. But I will go further and say he ALSO needs a therapist or a coach. But it sounds like he is so lost in his ADHD right now that he isn't even interested in getting help.

You have courage to come here. Listen this is easy to do (though some of us are more likely to do it than others): you majorly miscalculated the level of functioning your partner was working at. Whatever else you do I suggest that at some point you look at that to see if that is part of a pattern. (It certainly has been a pattern in my case. I used to gravitate towards low functioning people.)

He sounds so lost in his ADHD right now that rather than couples counseling I would recommend that you go for individual therapy because it's very easy for the person in your position to lose perspective and to grow used to unacceptable behavior in a partner. Therapy would give you support and help you get clear on your options and to see if there are ways you are unwittingly encouraging his low function. Minor minor emphasis on the latter point. Couples counseling is not really designed to cope with a case like yours where the gap in functioning and in awareness is so huge.

Good luck.

Tone

Asylum
08-14-14, 06:12 AM
I can't really give any advice re relationships, but would quickly like to point out that because I live on my own, I magically develop the ability to throughly clean my house from top to bottom and get the lawn freshly mown and the yard tidy every three months when I'm due for a house inspection.
My ADD is pretty bad and I'm definitely one of those people who haven't grown up, but honestly, if I do something bad or get slack I blame myself, not the ADD. I WILL blame the ADD for things like not being able to concentrate or understand instructions (tho that might be a learning problem) but there's a distinction between doing physical stuff (because I'm not physically disabled - I CAN do it, and if I decide not to then its a conscious decision) and the mental/cognitive stuff, which I really feel I can't help. I hope that makes sense.

Pentax
08-14-14, 08:23 AM
Hi all -



We own a home. He convinced me that this was the exact home for us, despite my reluctance about taking upkeep of our house. ... In the 6 years we've been here, he's made next to no improvements. Anything done to improve the interior is something I did, and outside of laying some mulch and planting some flowers (after I completely lost my mind on him a few weeks back,) he has let the outside fall in to disrepair. ... and he still procrastinated.

... . It falls to me to come home, sort out dinner, entertain our son (and try to drag him away from the TV,) and then help him get ready for bed. I've heard our son asking his dad to play with him, and my husband will put him off in favor of "unwinding" in front of the computer (the games he plays are strategy/shooter games, and they get him quite agitated). If I push, my husband will play with our son, but then I usually have to referee some argument that they get in. (Yes, my 35 year old husband will allow a 4 year old to goad him into arguing). He believes that he's entitled to as much computer time as he wants, because he's doing the drop-off/pick-up and might be alone with our son for an extra 90 minutes or so a day.

. He has absolutely no support system after 11 years of being here - I am everything to him: caretaker, wife, friend, sounding board, cook, cleaner, entertainer. I have done everything I can to encourage him to build other relationships, and he just doesn't do it. ...

I'm tired. I work full-time. I am returning to college to finish my degree. I have a small child. I do a little volunteer work. And I occasionally try to do something for myself, but have been learning that it's easier just not to bother with this, because I am made to feel guilty when I do. I've pretty much lost most of my friends, either because I've been too ashamed to invite them to my home, or feel too guilty to schedule time with them, or am too busy taking care of things my husband didn't do. My mother thinks my husband is a gem - she doesn't see all these other issues, or claims that I'm "too hard on him"

Never green, others have picked up and talked about the important topics of getting on meds and therapy.

And you've talked about the drastic imbalance between the two of you in time and labor spent on care taking. I just wanted to agree with you that this is a very real issue, one that can't be set aside, you continuing to do this very large amount of extra work and he does little. People with ADHD often have problems with procrastination or getting from thought to execution, plus some have a history of being told that what they do is insufficient or done wrong. Read and ask about this part of ADHD. Mine too has some physical clutziness that is intensely frustrating to him, plus forgets where things are and his mind jumps around, so things get half done. Mine also :eyebrow: is allergic to dusting, vacuuming, taking out the trash...it's probably the result of his older age and upbringing where there was always a maid to do those things.

So there may be some learning curve for you on what it takes for someone with the attention and executive problems of ADHD to actually do some physical care taking tasks. There's a lot to read here about those things, and great people to ask.

And (not but) something's got to happen about you working double because he's not putting labor into what the two of you share. You're going to have to make your side of that better for you. Depends on your guy whether he'll ever start doing things for your good, or the good of the two of you, not just him. But you're in a no win situation with that impossibly high load of care taking for one person, some of which is produced by his not-doing. Do if you take Tones advice and get into individual therapy, work with your therapist as coach about this.

Starting to cut back on self care and time with ones friends, out of dejection or trying to buy back time because you don't have time for your task load is NOT the way to go. I tried that. It will only make you sadder and more isolated by your work, and you'll practice thinking that you're not worth self care and time off, that he and that extra work you have matter more. Don't give up friend contact. Unless they're familiar with ADHD, they won't likely understand what is bowing you down. But get time with those you like to be with. And spend some time and money on your pleasure or well being, because you're going to have to self care while you and your SO are on the road to better for him. You do not come last.

Other than that, no advice and much empathy. I'm struggling myself with the physical care taking and taking responsibility matters that you describe. Mine has memory,executive function, klutziness, and the habit, deeply embedded, of only spending time on his own things. We're working on these things now. I don't have a formula, we haven't seen our way. The steep difference in labor is a major thing. I can see that there are some things he really, honestly can't do. I begin to see that what he does accomplish requires intense effort from him

And at my end, I can't handle a 50 hour workweek, about 20-30 hours a week doing our tasks, putting in some hours helping him with his, when something has gotten lost or he asks to split the load of one of his tasks for his job, and put in about 20 more on something unpaid in my life. No one can do all that. In our case one of our solutions has to be moving to get rid of the yard, because yes, like you, I'm the one to do it. Mine was very clear that he doesn't do that work, at all.

Glad you're on the site.

VeryTired
08-14-14, 10:21 AM
Dear Nevergreen--

Welcome! I hope you will find these forums as valuable as I have. There is much to be learned here, and it is so important to have a place where your concerns can be heard and understood, particularly if friends and family don't seem to understand. I sympathize with and understand everything you said, and I recognize the severity of the challenges you are facing.

It's great that the therapist urged your husband to get treatment for his ADHD. I think there is no way you can be in a relationship that will work for you and your child unless he makes changes, and that probably means taking the medication he needs. It will be good for him, for you, for your family if he can do this. And it speaks well of the therapist that s/he understood this and was immediately so direct about it.

If you hadn't reported this excellent start, I would have been offering a caution--I spent a couple years going to couples counseling with my partner and it did little for us. Recently he told me that he has now realized the reason for that was that we were together seeking help for problems and issues that were primarily his--ADHD-related things he needed to deal with himself. (On the one hand, I was impressed with his insight and openness about that, but on the other hand, part of me wished he could have realized that before we spent all that time and money on something that didn't really help us …. Our couples counselors weren't particularly knowledgable about ADHD, which may have been part of the problem. But it sounds as though your situation is very different, which is great for you.)

In general, it sounds as though things are moving in a positive direction for you now. But just to support that, I'd suggest some reading. Your husband definitely needs to learn more about his disorder, and there are many books, videos, etc he could try. But for you, the gold-standard book for partners of people with ADHD is Gina Pera's "Is You, Me or Adult ADD?" This book is hugely helpful for clarifying confusing circumstances, for educating and supporting you, and for identifying places where a marriage to someone with ADHD can be difficult or overwhelming. It is full of practical specific ideas about how to address problems, but it is also great because it helps one to understand how to frame the problems, and see the situation overall.

I'd echo what other people here have said about remembering to prioritize your own needs. Take care of you! Be well! ADHD can be relentless in what it does to partners of the people who have it. You have described a situation that is on its way to becoming unsustainable if it isn't so already. You don't want it to get to a breaking point. Sometimes it is way more efficient to use your scarce time, money, energy resources to take care of yourself than to solve other problems, or make up for your husband's choices and lacks. If everything depends on you, and you're in trouble, that's a big problem!

I mean, if you aren't OK, you whole household won't be OK either. So try to find ways of protecting yourself from being overwhelmed. You have to do things for yourself--so put up an unbreachable wall, NOW, against ever feeling guilty about it. You won't be able to work, go to school, take care of your child, or stay committed to your husband if you're not getting what you need. DOn't feel guilty, just find ways of getting what you need as your first priority.

If it's hard to invite friends home, develop a routine of meeting out somewhere for coffee or lunch or meet at the movies or a yoga class or whatever works for you. Partners of people with ADHD have very high rates of stress-related illness (like back trouble, migraine, auto-immune diseases, etc etc etc) because our bodies don't go along with the lies we may try to tell ourselves about how everything is fine or how there are no other options than taking the weight of the world onto our own shoulders.

You did a smart thing going for counseling, and finding the forums. Good work! Now keep going, finding things you can do that will help you going forward. And hope for big changes from your husband as he tries treatment. Not everyone with ADHD does therapy or medication, but for many, perhaps most people, it is the best answer. It can make an amazing difference. I have seen this with my partner--and I can tell you that we would not be together if he were not pursuing both stimulant treatment and therapy. And many of the wonderfully wise, brave, good people with ADHD you'll meet here who post about their experiences with treatment, and their relationships, will inspire you.

Better things are possible! Meanwhile, do keep posting and let us know how you're doing--

Nevergreen
08-14-14, 04:58 PM
I can't thank you all enough for the thoughtful, thorough replies. Having the benefit of knowledge from others working through the same struggles is immensely helpful.

Last night, entirely unprompted, my husband said "I think I'll call that psychiatrist that the therapist recommended". :D Just the thought alone of him revisiting the need for medication gives me so much hope. I know that the road still stretches long ahead, but at least he's willing to get back on it. He's generally kind, generous, and a good father (when he's engaged,) and I really feel like he wants to work on these issues. Of course, the action is what's going to make the difference here. We've had situations in the past where I've expressed that all these extra stresses on me result in physical and mental issues for me (I have Crohn's disease, am getting increasing physical pain, sleep poorly at night, etc.) and he's promised that he'll step up, but didn't. I don't know if he's forgotten that, figured that because I wasn't complaining non-stop I was OK, or stopped caring about the impact on me, but it helped that the marriage counselor reinforced to him that things absolutely must change with the ADD. She also said something about because he is passive when it comes to getting things done, I'm forced me to be aggressive. It's true! I don't like feeling like the constant nag, the mean, overbearing wife of the quiet, henpecked husband. In fact, I hate it. But it's a role I've been forced in to in order to make our lives manageable.

As for me, I made plans with two friends for tomorrow night - and paid in advance so I have more motivation to actually go! And we have a party to attend this weekend, where we need to bring a dish to share. After combing Pinterest, looking for the perfect thing, I decided that I didn't need the extra work. I'm outsourcing this to whatever looks good at Costco on Saturday morning. I'm looking for a therapist for myself - and rather than just settling for whomever takes my insurance, I'm going to invest the time in finding someone who I feel connected with and can really open up to. I've also ordered Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD. Thanks, all, for recommendation.

I'm babbling now. Just wanted to say thank you all for the welcome, and the BTDT advice and support.

VeryTired
08-14-14, 08:57 PM
Nevergreen--

I love your last post. I see big success in your future. Both you and your husband are really taking charge of doing what you need to do in order to have a good and happy life together. That's a beautiful thing.

How excellent that he is going to contact a psychiatrist--how great that you are going to locate a therapist just for you. These are very sensible, practical steps which will make other good things possible. And I love your weekend plans. I hope you have a great time!

Pentax
08-14-14, 11:01 PM
I can't thank you all enough for the thoughtful, thorough replies. Having the benefit of knowledge from others working through the same struggles is immensely helpful.

Last night, entirely unprompted, my husband said "I think I'll call that psychiatrist that the therapist recommended". :D Just the thought alone of him revisiting the need for medication gives me so much hope. I know that the road still stretches long ahead, but at least he's willing to get back on it. He's generally kind, generous, and a good father (when he's engaged,) and I really feel like he wants to work on these issues. Of course, the action is what's going to make the difference here. We've had situations in the past where I've expressed that all these extra stresses on me result in physical and mental issues for me (I have Crohn's disease, am getting increasing physical pain, sleep poorly at night, etc.) and he's promised that he'll step up, but didn't. I don't know if he's forgotten that, figured that because I wasn't complaining non-stop I was OK, or stopped caring about the impact on me, but it helped that the marriage counselor reinforced to him that things absolutely must change with the ADD. She also said something about because he is passive when it comes to getting things done, I'm forced me to be aggressive. It's true! I don't like feeling like the constant nag, the mean, overbearing wife of the quiet, henpecked husband. In fact, I hate it. But it's a role I've been forced in to in order to make our lives manageable.

As for me, I made plans with two friends for tomorrow night - and paid in advance so I have more motivation to actually go! And we have a party to attend this weekend, where we need to bring a dish to share. After combing Pinterest, looking for the perfect thing, I decided that I didn't need the extra work. I'm outsourcing this to whatever looks good at Costco on Saturday morning. I'm looking for a therapist for myself - and rather than just settling for whomever takes my insurance, I'm going to invest the time in finding someone who I feel connected with and can really open up to. I've also ordered Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD. Thanks, all, for recommendation.

I'm babbling now. Just wanted to say thank you all for the welcome, and the BTDT advice and support.

You go, girl :) keep in touch.

jende2
08-15-14, 08:19 PM
I just wanted to share with you the last thing the diagnosing psychologist said to my boyfriend before he referred him to the pychiatrist for meds. He looked my boyfriend dead in the eye and said, "ADHD is not your fault, but now that you know you have it, it's 100% your responsibility."

Nevergreen
08-16-14, 12:17 AM
I just wanted to share with you the last thing the diagnosing psychologist said to my boyfriend before he referred him to the pychiatrist for meds. He looked my boyfriend dead in the eye and said, "ADHD is not your fault, but now that you know you have it, it's 100% your responsibility."

Oh, I love that. I'm going to keep it in mind.

Nevergreen
08-20-14, 08:48 PM
Hi again,

Just checking back in. He was able to meet with the psychiatrist earlier this week, who apparently is uncertain that what he has is ADD, and from the sound of it, may be leaning toward a depression diagnosis instead. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, or what it means in the long run. The psych did call me today to get my perspective on things (I wasn't able to make the appointment myself,) and so I was as honest as I could be - that I do agree that he seems somewhat sad, but that even when he seemed happy, there was still the lack of motivation, the inability (or failure) to pay attention, the general "forgetfulness" about times to be somewhere, the things that needed doing, etc. She thought that if it is ADD, then he's obviously "high functioning" because he's able to maintain success at work and doesn't appear to be struggling in that environment. He is going back this coming Monday for a TOVA test, which apparently will help her determine what course of action she wants to try first. I'm starting to suspect that he'll come home with a Wellbutrin or Paxil prescription instead of an ADHD medication - which is fine, I am just desperate for something to work.

daveddd
08-20-14, 11:42 PM
Hi again,

Just checking back in. He was able to meet with the psychiatrist earlier this week, who apparently is uncertain that what he has is ADD, and from the sound of it, may be leaning toward a depression diagnosis instead. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, or what it means in the long run. The psych did call me today to get my perspective on things (I wasn't able to make the appointment myself,) and so I was as honest as I could be - that I do agree that he seems somewhat sad, but that even when he seemed happy, there was still the lack of motivation, the inability (or failure) to pay attention, the general "forgetfulness" about times to be somewhere, the things that needed doing, etc. She thought that if it is ADD, then he's obviously "high functioning" because he's able to maintain success at work and doesn't appear to be struggling in that environment. He is going back this coming Monday for a TOVA test, which apparently will help her determine what course of action she wants to try first. I'm starting to suspect that he'll come home with a Wellbutrin or Paxil prescription instead of an ADHD medication - which is fine, I am just desperate for something to work.

just a suggestion, just let the meds do what they do, give them time and don't start contributing everything to meds working or not

I'm not suggesting you personally would do this, its just a common reaction for psych meds

definitely don't be disappointed with wellbutron (bupropion )

A systematic review of randomized controlled trials of bupropion versus methylphenidate in the treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.
Maneeton N1, Maneeton B1, Intaprasert S1, Woottiluk P2.
Author information

Abstract
BACKGROUND:
Some trials have suggested that bupropion, as well as methylphenidate, is beneficial in the treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
OBJECTIVES:
The purpose of this systematic review was to summarize the efficacy, acceptability, and tolerability of bupropion in comparison with methylphenidate for ADHD treatment. Included studies were randomized controlled trials (RCTs) that compared bupropion and methylphenidate. Clinical studies conducted between January 1991 and January 2014 were reviewed.
DATA SOURCES:
MEDLINE(®), EMBASE™, CINAHL, PsycINFO(®), and the Cochrane Controlled Trials Register were searched in January 2014. Additionally, clinical trials were identified from the databases of ClinicalTrials.gov and the EU Clinical Trials Register.
STUDY ELIGIBLE CRITERIA PARTICIPANTS AND INTERVENTIONS:
All RCTs of bupropion and methylphenidate reporting final outcomes relevant to 1) ADHD severity, 2) response or remission rates, 3) overall discontinuation rate, or 4) discontinuation rate due to adverse events. Language restriction was not applied.
STUDY APPRAISAL AND SYNTHESIS METHODS:
The relevant clinical trials were examined and the data of interest were extracted. Additionally, the risks of bias were also inspected. The efficacy outcomes were the mean changed scores of ADHD rating scales, the overall response rate, and the overall remission rates. The overall discontinuation rate and the discontinuation rate due to adverse events were determined. Relative risks and weighted mean differences or standardized mean differences with 95% confidence intervals were estimated using a random effect model.
RESULTS:
A total of 146 subjects in four RCTs comparing bupropion with methylphenidate in the treatment of ADHD were included. The pooled mean changed scores of the Iowa-Conner's Abbreviated Parent and Teacher Questionnaires and the ADHD Rating Scale-IV for parents and teachers of children and adolescents with ADHD in the bupropion- and methylphenidate-treated groups were not significantly different. Additionally, the pooled mean changed score in adult ADHD between the two groups, measured by the ADHD Rating Scale-IV and the Adult ADHD Rating Scale, was also not significantly different. The pooled rates of response, overall discontinuation, and discontinuation due to adverse events between the two groups were not significantly different.
CONCLUSION:
Based on limited data from this systematic review, bupropion was as effective as methylphenidate for ADHD patients. Additionally, tolerability and acceptability were also comparable. However, these findings should be considered as very preliminary results. To confirm this evidence, further studies in this area should be conducted.