View Full Version : reframing loveability: transforming anxiety about love


Greenlight
08-15-14, 12:23 AM
Hi,

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life and in particular anxiety concerning personal intimate relationships. I think the ADHD has made a lot of my thoughts very obsessive and hard to break down and reframe, so I thought I would ask for help from the community in thinking this issue through. Sometimes we just need someone else to frame something.

I have always struggled with the idea of being in a relationship and have continually been unsuccessful at finding and staying connected with someone to whom I am attracted and also attractive to. I really struggle with the idea of being attractive enough or likeable enough to keep a partner whom I think is interesting.

Partly, I think this stems from a core misunderstanding of what love is, how love works between people and what makes people loveable. I can't seem to make sense of how it is people find eachother and fall in love. Almost everyone has partners--how is it that that person fell for their partner--how did their partner fall for them??? I feel like somehow I just didn't get the memo. This is definitely compounded by the fact that I have failed many times to keep another person's interest and vice versa.

I have constantly tried to reflect on myself to find the ONE THING WRONG WITH ME that will make me both more loving and more loveable if I change, but the more I look the less I find. Intellectually, I suspect that's because I am actually good enough as is to find a partner and just need to keep looking and getting to know new people; emotionally, I suspect that is because I am simply too messed up, irritating and struggle too much with my self-esteem to be loved.

Funny how the heart and the head can tell you different stories.

Anyhow,

I desperately want some one to break down for me how attraction and love work and why it is ok for me to relax and just go with the flow until I find a good fit. It's like I desperately want someone to tell me that I am ok, that love is normal, and that I work right.

Can some smart compassionate clear headed people help me to see my way to a confident heart? Please
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