View Full Version : My First Mania


WildHost0
08-21-14, 04:04 PM
August 2010, I began my journey as a self-diagnosed bipolar.

During my freshmen year of college i was on the cusp of my most memorable episode of Mania to date. Appropriately enough i was enrolled in an abnormal psychology class which heavily focused on Bipolar/Manic Depression. It seemed almost destined to be. A match made in hell.

As i drifted into the madness of mania and wildly scanned the pages of my psych textbook, i felt some sort of pride as if i too was "chosen" to ride to blissful waves of euphoria and fight the evil demons of depression. The similarities were undeniable. However, I decided the experts were wrong about the need for hospitalization and medication. I didn't need medication i needed enlightenment. And by god no psychiatrist would stand in my way...

I had experienced the depression and hypo-mania periodically throughout my life(mostly depression), but this full fledged mania was definitely new, and i knew based on the symptom descriptions in my class that i was in for quite the roller-coaster ride in the months to come....

But instead of going to the school clinic and asking for help, i convinced myself of the inherently spiritual/mystical nature of my moment to moment lucid visions.

One of those "im not crazy your the one who's crazy" times in life where you feel like your the only one who knows whats REALY going on. On a cosmic level. And If your a bipolar too, im sure you'll have no trouble relating to this paradoxical feeling.

Think Jim Carry on the Truman show. Or more appropriately: Tyler Durdan Fight Club. Life is about hitting rock bottom so that you can fearlessly embrace existence and reach enlightenment. The highs and lows of bipolar will eventually bring you to your knees begging for help, but the initial ride on the roller-coaster can be addictive and exhilarating.

If only i had payed heed to the the types of medication which now keep my head life on track(Lithium, Celexa, and Adderall btw) i might not have almost lost my life. this illness will not be controlled unless radical changes are made to daily living.

But in some ways im really glad i didn't. because through all the highs and lows ive learned so many valuable lessons which only manifest though extremely hard times.

But at the time i was far to consumed in my own existential realizations. They convinced me that i was on the verge of enlightenment. And the hallucinations i experienced led me to believe that i might very well be on the verge of some human evolution.

This was an amazing three month experience of constant euphoria and unlimited energy. I felt sorry for my zombie classmates who seemed to be walking though quicksand(they all seemed so slow to me) with their eyes glued to their phones,
while i pranced around campus with glorious delusions of grandeur about how blissful the trees looked, how delicious my thoughts tasted, or how watching the sunrise brought tears of rapture to my face.

Literally. I would see the sun creep its way along the campus skyline all the while balling my eyes out with how beautiful it all felt. I was alive and walking around heaven on earth.

Death seemed as as inconsequential an incident as taking a vacation to a tropical resort. Within these periods of mania i would have hallucinations/visions of the afterlife.
These visions convinced me that when i died i would be united with the cosmos in eternal bliss.

The true reality was one of non duality where there is no separation, only unity. Death was a welcome home celebration to me and my risky behavior testified to the fact that i was not afraid of dying.

I was really afraid of living as a coward again, or rather going back to my normal self, the person i was before this radical fearlessness took hold and revealed heaven on earth. Mania man....

At some point in all this manic bliss i developed a severe drinking problem which would haunt me for years to come.
Nearly ending my life. The drinking slowed down my racing thoughts and put me to sleep.(Which had become an impossibility beforehand)

The difference between sleeping and blacking out became nonexistent. It became a nightly routine and i became and alcoholic. With seemingly no fear of death my bodily health took a backseat to my "spiritual" spirit quest for eternal enlightenment.

I didnt expect to live long nor did i want to. I knew the only chance i had at eternal enlightenment was a short lived life on earth full of good deeds and euphoria. Mania leads you to believe you are the son of God, and i was definitely acting the part throughout those months of madness. Damn they were beautiful and delusional at the same time.

But with the amount of drinking i was doing it was only a matter of time before what i was afraid of happening happend. The dark side of bipolar reared its ugly face and brought me down to its infinate levels of intensity.

Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you more depressed. But by the time i realized this i was hopelessly dependent on booze. Good god. To recollect the bottles of ever-clear which littered my college dorm room makes me sick to my stomach. But that's just the way it was then. And just as the sun is eclipsed by the moon, my mania was gradually engulfed by the most god awful depression i could ever imagine.

Night falls fast. The depression has me grasping my pillow for dear life. Body convulsing, thoughts of suicide constant, psychological agony which transcends bodily pain and descends into the existential horrors of hell itself. I beg for the devil to have mercy. I realize Gods long gone. taking with him my sweet heavenly mania and the enightenment which i held so dear. The heaven i knew has been invaded and conquered by the forces of Depression. The devil is in charge now and i am at his mercy.

Going though a period of major depression will change you forever. Its really hard for me to recall exact details of the experience. Im almost thankfull for that. As if my psyche is trying to protect me from being overwhelmed by those most horrifying sensations of major depression... Maybe later ill try to sit down and describe the experience. But for now ill leave it at that.

Sooooooo...Thats all im going to write for now... Gotta go get ready for work.
Im not sure if this is good or bad or whatever but i enjoyed getting some of the experience out into the open somhow.

as this is my first time officially sharing online I would be so very thankfull for any comments, criticism, or messages of similar experiences. Ive loved everything ive read on this forum so far and itd be way cool to have a conversation with someone who can relate to what ive been through.

As well as exchange advise as to the best ways to move forward in embracing our life and destinies. Much love to you all. stay strong and stay true to yourself!!:)

fracturedstory
08-21-14, 11:54 PM
I think you did a much better job than I ever could as getting back into that same mind frame you had while manic. When I talk about my experiences with mania I feel like I can never passionately explain some of my delusions so people knew what I felt like at that moment.

For example one thing I tell people of my manic experience: I thought I was going to be the next best sci-fi author. I would be rubbing shoulders with the likes of Neil Gaiman. My stories would change the perceptions of society. My books would be made into films. Etc.

I just don't feel the excitement and confidence I had that all this was going to be a possibility. Does that description above sound like I'm certain that would have happened?

Thanks for sharing. I think I still feel like I had to give up a better part of myself when choosing to go on medication, or rather going off medication that made me 100 times more manic than when I take nothing. I can't focus long enough to play music, do math or even read a book. The manic episodes I have now feel wasted, although I do end up writing a lot of mental health blogs.

WildHost0
08-22-14, 03:11 PM
Ya for some reason i have always been able to remember my manic experiences really well.
\So much happened in that 3-4 month time span. I try to keep it in the back of my mind so i can find some comfort in my depression or apathy, telling myself things weren't always this miserable, and i have the capacity for ecstasy as well as agony. Its just the price i pay....

Delusional thinking is really tricky when it comes to distinguishing whats really possible and whats so outrageously out of whack with reality that it will never happen.
I think becoming a sci fi writer is definitely a goal worth pursuing manic or not. Some of the best artist were manic while they created their works, or they drew inspiration from those wild ideas while they were in a normal mood.

Unrealistic goal of mine:
I wanted to sell all my possessions and move to Peru to become a shaman. Haha and i was dead set on going too. Prepared my flight and everything. It took a good friend to knock me back down to reality and realize the extremely low possibility that that would ever work out. Thank god she did or else id be stranded in the jungle somewhere XP

Ive never read your writing but it sounds like a very admirable goal to go for. I hope you can rely on those moments of mad confidence to give your work an edge over the somewhat less "creative" writers out there :)

Because lets face it. The best artists, writers, and musicians in the history of the world had at least a touch of madness in their work...

fracturedstory
08-23-14, 01:35 AM
Thanks. I'll think about it. Right now I'm writing a lot of blog posts for mental illness awareness. I'm going to see a lot of live bands too. I'm becoming so exhausted.

I have huge blanks following a manic episode. When I depressed I knew I was really happy not long ago but I've got no memory or feeling about it. I had this manic fueled Doctor Who spending spree and went to a special event to see the first episode of season 8, and during depression I just lost all that feeling. I completely stopped caring about Doctor Who. Now I'm good. I'm not as wildy excited as before but I'm content being a Doctor Who fan with an impossibly large collection of DW merchandise.

I don't think I was ever that delusion except when I started reading Carl Jung. I did get obsessed with a member of the opposite sex though. Not stalkerish, just...I think they call it eroticamania, where you think someone is attracted to you and then you're pretty damn sure that you're going to be together forever. And there's limerance, having sexual fantasies about them. I'm told the movie Swimfan is about that. That was the worst part of my mania and the paranoid delusions were horrible too. I used to think the CIA was spying on me. If I saw any man in a suit I would think he was an agent. You know how many men wear black suits in the city of Sydney?
And then there were my dark mania episodes where I just ferociously fought with people. I got so angry with people I cut ties with them, but it was more to save them from my manic rants.