View Full Version : Maybe if ADD wasn't the only issue…..


AbundanceAbound
08-25-14, 03:49 AM
Hi everyone. I fear this will be very long, so you've been warned. ;-p I’m a huge Law of Attraction person and know I should dwell on what I do not want but I just have to get this off my chest so I don’t keep it inside of me and have it explode one day.

I have been reading these partner stories for a while, plus have read the major ADHD books so I believe I have a fairly decent idea of what being romantically involved with an ADD person can be like. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. We work for the same company but different offices; we met over chat as my department interacts with his on a daily basis. We both turned 50 this summer. When we met I was in a long-distance relationship and not interested in seeing anyone else until that situation ended up not working out and my now-BF was very patient and supportive through that episode because it really did a number on my heart. Neither of us was looking for anything serious and just planned on being FWB but we became closer than either of us planned. I admit he feels more for me than I do for him (he said I love you first, etc.) and at first I blamed it on still being hung up on my LD person but I think it’s more than that. We both work second shift; I work Sun-Thurs and he is Mon-Fri, so Saturday is the only day off together that neither of us has to work.

My BF told me right off that he had ADHD and is on Adderall although he doesn't usually take it on the weekends (“drug holiday” that I have read about). He is very educated on the subject and even told me the books to read for better understanding. Unfortunately, ADD isn't the only health issue he deals with. He has a non-operable benign brain tumor that sits on his pituitary gland, causing his hormones to be all out of whack. He’s overloaded with estrogen so he has to supplement testosterone or else his body wouldn't make any. He has sleep apnea and usually to use his CPAP although it may not last all night. He’s at least 100 pounds overweight and has not had any energy for hardly anything over the last few months. As you can image he has a menu of meds he has to take for all these issues but runs out of various ones at different times because of insurance issues or not being able to keep a steady doctor relationship due to missing appointments, etc. He is very open with me about all his medical issues and was very forthright regarding the way his ADD manifests itself. He also can suffer from migraines and, rarely, panic attacks.

The biggest irritant for me, like that of so many others, is his own version of time and always being late. He has been at this company for six years and has an extremely understanding and patient manager. BF is very respected and I’m awfully glad about that because I don’t think he could get to work anywhere near on time if it killed him. He’s usually 1-2 hours late and while he habitually works 1-2 hours over the end of his shift, frankly I don't know how he hasn't gotten in trouble for that yet. He also has the option to work from home one day a week but sometimes does so 2-3 times a week because of some health reason or other. He DID get a talking to about that recently and he has been better at actually showing up at the office most days. I am the kind of person who gets to work 10-15 minutes early no matter what, so his “I’ll get there whenever I get there” work habit is scary to me, if nothing else. What happens when they finally do get tired of him doing that? I have “raised” too many boyfriends/husbands that I swore I would never be placed in that situation again. He’s brilliant at what he does but no one is indispensable.

We live just four miles apart and can easily get to each other’s homes in 10 minutes. When he says he’s coming over, I know it will be at least an hour and sometimes two. (Early on in our relationship, I planned a very sexy greeting for him but after waiting almost two hours for him to show up I was more ticked off than turned on!) Because our time is limited to late nights and Saturdays, sitting at home waiting for him to show up is really getting old.
He visits his parents in his old hometown 3 hours away fairly frequently and I have joined him on a few of these trips. If he’s going by himself, he tells me he plans on leaving by noon but most of the time he doesn't get on the road till 4p or 5p or even later because he gets distracted while packing. How hard is it to pack for a weekend to go visit your parents who have half the things you’d need anyway? I know, I know, but I can’t fathom it. He has apps on his iPad and phone to help him with organizing so I’d hate to think how long it would take him without the help.

We went on one week-long vacation in April and didn't kill each other, but there were disappointments too. We went to Las Vegas which is a second home for me but BF had never been there. We did manage to do all the things we had pre-planned and paid for though I did have to be the one to make sure we left on time, etc. But we never seemed to leave the hotel room before 4p which cuts short things and attractions we could go to but I didn't want to nag him because it was his vacation too, but he’d get sucked into Facebook or some such and some of the things I wanted to experience with him I had to forgo. I think that is really when I started questioning a “life” with him.

It took him a few weeks before he would ever let me see his apartment. He has a bit of OCD and a “clutter” problem (sounds better than hoarding, which he’s not quite there yet but could easily be.) The first time I went over there and saw the dishes in the sink (and on the floor next to the recliner) I had to stop myself from turning right around and leaving. I kept telling myself he’s an adult and if he wants to live that way, far be it from me to tell him otherwise, but now that we are getting to the point where it would make more sense for us to live together, I can’t ignore it. He lets trash bags overflow because the dumpster is in the opposite side of the complex as where he lives. One weekend we spent cleaning out his second bedroom to turn into a spare bedroom/office but nothing has really continued there since.

On top of all this, he has not had any hardly energy for anything these last few months, and I am getting sucked into that as well. I have gained 15+ pounds since we met. I used to work out almost daily and we would walk 3-4 miles on Saturdays but now it’s been too hot to walk on Saturday until the late evening and we get such a late start doing anything on Saturday that the walk gets pushed aside, and I have not hardly cared about working out since coming back from vacation in April. He also has not had energy for anything “else” if you know what I mean, and that was such a huge part of our attraction. When he’s truly himself, he turned me on like no one ever has and our chemistry was unmatched. Now it seems we spend all our nights together drinking wine and talking; when it gets late I suggest that we go to bed early and he totally agrees but then he’s off on another topic and time just slips away.

There ARE good parts to this relationship: he’s financially responsible, he’s BRILLIANT although being corrected continually (even with kindness) got old and he’s pretty much stopped that. He’s sensitive, insightful, demonstrative and very sexy. We both enjoy many of the same intellectual pursuits and he’s a great step-daddy to my dogs (surprising even himself). He’s a good man. His parents love me. I just don’t know if I can handle all his health issues and the ADD-time-trap. I also feel like we've fallen into a rut that I didn't think would happen this soon into the relationship. We've toyed with the idea of moving in together next year (when he lease is up; I have a big house) and from a practical standpoint it makes a lot of sense, saving money, etc. At least I wouldn't be forever waiting for him to come over. I just don’t know whether I’d be getting a partner or another man-child that I end up having to take care of while forgoing things I want to do. Shouldn't I be happy at my age to find someone who loves me with his whole heart and at least attempts to be the man I have always hoped to be with? It’s different because his issues are health-related, not just selfishness, right? At least I keep telling myself that. If anyone here has had a relationship with someone with ADD later in life I’d really like to hear your response. Thanks for reading.

Pentax
08-25-14, 07:38 AM
Abundance,

Thinking about your own situation, that you have now developed your own preferred ways of doing things, have your own space, your own job responsibilities, and your own history of relations before you and your present BF began:

your BF has his, too. I'd suggest that you not expect to change his ways to make them more like yours. He's 50. He's had a lifetime of doing things his way, whatever his way has turned out to be

That being the case, Perhaps go slow in deciding to move in together. It has to be more than a decision based on practical convenience. He will come as he is.

I don't have Adhd, and am with a man who has attention and executive function issues about physical matters who is the fastest mess maker I've ever seen, and the chaos really really bothers him. It's definitely not the result of moral failing or laziness. Mine works astonishingly hard at keeping his work world in order, and making and keeping appointments. The chaos and impulsiveness happens on his own time, which is where our time is, and in his own space, which is now our space.


If you move in together, and he mess makes and is late while you tidy and end up with the job of cajoling him to speed up, meet his appointments and get out the door while ther's still some of the day left to use, yes you will have defaulted into his caretaker, which is a romance killer, all right

He's only 4 miles away. If your flags have gone up this much regarding the things you've needed to air, yes there,s something you need to slow down and think about and talk with him about, past initial conversation, before a move in. And don't think if he consents to your ways about timeliness and keeping order, in an abstract, general conversation, that he'll make the transition to internalizing change, and changing. Humans agree to many things in the abstract without changing a molecule of their life...

A move in has to be practical and good for you, too, not just for him. He will bring his mess, and that won't change until he internalizes, on his own terms, why ther's a good reason for him to change his ways on that. That's just human nature. You'd have to go through a similar internal shift to find the internal motivation to become a mess maker :)

There have been good discussions elsewhere on this site about messiness and physical order. Not everyone who has ADHD is messy. Many struggle to keep order. It takes more effort than it takes someone who doesn't have adhd

I'm the one to keep physical order in our shared space. Mine doesn't have the habits, visual short term memory, etc to do it. It's a drag that it defaults to me. I'm in great luck that mine is willing to address it and work with me on finding contributions that he can make (he is successful doing errands for us, and he cooks). We are planning to change our physical space to lighten the load at my end. That has to happen. But my task load has gone way up. I've never dealt with so many spots, splashes, dropped things, tizzies at lost things etc in my life. And mine is dismayed daily at what the physical chaos does to him. And I work a job outside of the home like he does and you two do.

I think you're very smart to tackle these issues now in your life. Glad you're here

AbundanceAbound
08-25-14, 01:38 PM
Pentax,
Thank you for your reply. The mess is the most obvious surface issue, you are right. He spends weekends at my house and makes a concerted effort to put away things, wash dishes, etc., things he doesn't do in his own place, because he knows it bothers me so, and I really appreciate his effort. Why he doesn't do the same thing in his own home is either a product of ADD or his lack of respect for his own things.Remember Oscar's bedroom on The Odd Couple? His bedroom isn't that bad anymore but it was when I first came over.

I just wish we had time to do things. He used to come over after work on Friday nights which would give me all Friday to run errands and just have a day for me but now he comes over late Thursday night so he can work from my house on Fridays so we can spend more time together. Now I find myself curtailing my "me" time to sit around the house and be with him since he made the effort to come over. As an introvert, I need my "me" time and fear I may start resenting his presence when I should be appreciating the efforts he's making to spend more time together. Then Saturday rolls around and he's too tired to do anything but sit around the house and get sucked into FB and other computer activities. If we were filling the time with more "indoor fun" like we did the first six or so months we were together then maybe I wouldn't be complaining so, but he's too tired for that, too. Considering how good that aspect of our relationship was, I hate to think it's already gone so quickly.

Sorry for rambling so.

Pentax
08-25-14, 07:51 PM
It's not rambling to me. And you're thinking as you write. The me time is important. Between my job and the relationship, I lost a lot of mine, too, although I've clung to seeing a good friend of mine, that hasn't gone by the wayside. It sounds like your BF trying, likely hard, to do things differently re the messiness for you.

Would he be amenable if you told him you needed x amount of time for yourself, and then took it?

Mine and I don't do so well based on what we presume the other ' should ' recognize and act about, without the other saying what he or she needs straight out...and going for it. I'm definitely in the learner's seat, Abundance, not speaking from success or understanding.

It's not rambling to me :)

AbundanceAbound
08-25-14, 11:18 PM
Pentax,
Yes, I have taken "me" time. In fact, I took an 8-night cruise by myself in June to celebrate my 50th birthday. He missed me terribly and while I thought about him and "us" a lot, I didn't "miss" him the same way. I guess I just don't miss people the same way others do. I'm pretty much a loner, as most everyone has disappointed me in big and small ways so I learned to just rely on me. I would LIKE to rely on others more, like my BF, but I am too practical for that, I suppose. Since he is an extrovert, he does not understand my need for alone time but he does not stand in my way it I say I need it. He is big on "boundaries" and people asking for what they need and such, almost clinically so. Even so, with that permission, he is saddened if we are apart for two long and tells me how much he misses me. Sometimes I tell him I miss him too because I know that's what he wants to hear.

Perhaps I am just at a lull right now in our relationship. Since he's too tired to do anything most of the time, we end up wasting the only day we have to do anything like "normal"/daytime people (Saturday) and the week starts again. Hopefully this is just because it's summer and he hates the heat. In a month or so when the symphony/theater events start happening again we'll have those to go to (because I have bought season tickets). I just wish he would initiate outings once in a while. The only thing he has asked me to do is come with him to visit his parents out of town. He did take me out to a very nice dinner on my birthday but I fear if I had not come right out and asked if he had planned anything he may have forgotten to make reservations. I believe that planning events and outings is a struggle for ADD people. I think that is what I mean by being able to rely on people. I have always been stuck doing the planning for everything in my relationships and my BR made a big deal about being a "grown man" who I can rely on to do things like that, but it hasn't worked out that way, so I guess that disappoints me. I have had to practically drag him to a couple events that, in the end, he really enjoyed, but it was all my doing. From what I read, being the non-ADD partner means I will probably have to take sole responsibility for any plans in this relationship as well, no matter what he intends (as you stated in your reply).

I have a lot to think about. I just wish I was feeling more positive about our future because he loves me so very much, says he's never been happier, etc., and I don't want to be yet another person who leaves him because they can't handle the ADD and other health issues. I'm trying to be bigger than that.

Thanks.

VeryTired
08-26-14, 02:06 PM
Hi, Abundance--

You are raising a lot of important issues here, and explaining your concerns well. I agree pretty much with all that Pentax has been saying here, but also have some other thoughts.

It is SO hard to separate the realization of how-it-is from the hope (or memory) of how-it-could-be. Of course things can change, and loving partners can work all sorts of issues out by trying. Good will will take you very far indeed. But clarity is extremely important when you and a partner need to address problems and issues, and it's dangerously easy to confuse what is with that what you wish for.

For me, the biggest problems have come when I have assumed that anything other than exactly what I see in front of me at the moment is reality. Despite long discussions of my feelings and my needs, and sincere agreements from my partner to do or consider this or that … none of that has had the slights effect in the end when it isn't accompanied by concrete,visible actions and behaviors. For a long time, I got caught in a weird whirlpool of constant hurt and disappointment where we'd discuss things that are very important to me, and my partner would in good faith agree to remember or try or stop or whatever it was … and then nothing would change. But in my mind, we'd agreed to something, so it was true, so the absence of the agreed-upon need being met was confusing, maddening, and an urgent problem. Whereas by that time, in my partner's mind, usually the whole business was a shadow of a memory at best.

Things I have been astonished to find true:

***every night after dinner there is a debris field around my partner's chair in the dining room. I need to vacuum daily to keep on top of it. He spills food and stuff constantly, and cannot notice it or clean it up himself.

***every morning, there is a sprawl of clutter and trash in the kitchen because he wakes up in the night and makes himself snacks that involve creating trash, spilling things, leaving jars open, fridge open, spills on floor, etc etc etc

***the intense physical connection and awareness of me he continually displayed in our early courtship days has permanently vanished

***every week the standard household chores that we agreed years ago to do weekly seem to surprise him. He can't remember which are his, when they should be done, what order is most efficient to tackle them. He can't start doing them himself unless I talk him through it and start doing my chores at the same time. And every week he is offended if I don't enthusiastically praise him for doing the routine stuff, while he never notices the much greater amount of work I do at all.

***every night he comes home from work and talks about what's on his mind. He doesn't ask me about what I am doing, and if I initiate that topic, he seldom replies or continues the conversation on that subject.

***he never plans anything or initiates any activities for us both. Ever. Oddly, we share a birthday. When it was my 50th, we ended up doing only things that made him happy--special stuff for him. Sure, it was his birthday, too, but I was stunned that he didn't even think of any presents, or activities, or surprises for me on my landmark 50th. It never occurred to me that I would have to say to him in advance that I would like him to do something to celebrate me the way I was doing things to celebrate him on our shared day.

***he is always off by 30-60 minutes in all time estimates about anything. Always. Anything.

There are plenty of other issues and problems we deal with that relate to his ADHD and my very different ways of being, but this list coves lots of the big ones that simply astonished me when when I came to realize each thing was true. I had not known that someone could be this way. I had never imagined that my life could be affected by someone who acted this way.

And--this is huge--in the beginning of our relationship, none of these issues were present or visible. It's not that he was faking being someone he isn't back then, it is just this bizarre but quite typical ADHD new-relationship hyperfocus phenomenon that was affecting him, and thus me. So the man I live with is not the one I fell in love with, or agreed to live with. I had no idea this could happen. It took years to see and understand. It's heart-breaking.

Back to the point, I don't actually believe that my partner is going to change in regard to anything I listed above. In other ways, however, he has changed for my benefit. The gigantic one is that he used to be the king of the interrupters. I literally could not say ONE sentence without his talking over me. Finally, I told him I couldn't accept this, and to my amazement, within one week, he stopped doing it almost 100%. Every once in a while now, he'll revert back to interrupting, but he is way better than average about this these days.

I admire him so much for making that change, and it was really beneficial and necessary for me. It can't have been easy, but he did it, as an act of love and regard for me. But I can't ask that he change everything about himself that I have a problem with--that would be crazy and unhealthy. Yet I am not so sure it's healthy for me just to accept things that I have a problem with either, however. So I spend a lot of time wondering if I want to continue in this relationship--which in itself is not really how I want my life partnership to be. I have no answers about this yet.

So I'm just saying--I hope you will be very honest with yourself about what you feel and need, about how things are. Thinking about "potential" is not likely to be helpful--deal with what really IS, not what could be true. And ask yourself how you feel about it. Also, ask yourself whether you are likely to find the frustrating or uncomfortable things better or worse after a lot of time passes if they don't change at all. If there's a little pebble in your shoe as you walk, will you grow callouses and not mind it, or will you find it increasingly unbearable after many miles?

One last thought for you: of course I have no idea what is going to be best for you. But I will tell you this. I hugely regret every time I ever said to myself that I was trying to be better than this or that as regards my relationship with my partner and the challenges it's posed for me. I have no idea if you are the same as I am, but I am finding that my instinct to try to become a better person is seriously counterproductive when faced with my partner's ADHD. The result for me has usually been signing up to not have needs met, or to be too heavily burdened with some aspect of his needs.

In general, I am all in favor of going through life trying to become a better person, but in this specific relationship context, for me, it hasn't been a positive thing most of the time. This is where the "Tired" in my Forums name comes from! And I am telling you this now, since you closed your most recent post by saying that you're "trying to be bigger"--it sounds so familiar to me. Anyway, I'm wishing you all the best, and hoping you'll keep in touch here about how things go for you--

ToneTone
08-26-14, 05:08 PM
One of my favorite online writers on life and relationships is a young guy named Mark Manson. Manson is 30; I am 52, but I find that he is wiser than his years. He has a phrase he uses when advising people on deciding whether to move forward in relationships. The phrase applies to each step along the way. "If your answer is not F-yes. then the answer is no."

For me I can say that this advice totally works. Any time I have moved forward with major hesitations I have met with disappointment. Now here's another thought. Having an overwhelming sense of clarity is no guarantee that things will turn out well. But not feeling overwhelmingly positive is a guarantee for disappointment.

If he moves in with you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--NO THING--will change for the better. The only thing that will change is that you will be more disappointed, more frustrated, more miserable. Your house will be a complete mess and you won't enjoy going out with him. Your esteem and confidence will take a major hit. You will stop inviting people over.

If you want to be his friend that's one thing. But at this point the only way a relationship can work is if you, THINKING TOTALLY SELFISHLY, focused only on what is best for you and your life, you conclude you want him. This is the painfully acquired wisdom I have gained over decades.

I was raised to think of others first and to be thoroughly unselfish. I still support that ethic but have learned that it is wrong and inappropriate when deciding on a romantic relationship. In a romantic relationship both partners want and need to know and feel that the other selfishly and viscerally wants them. Otherwise the partnering will be fundamentally unbalanced, unstable and unhappy. And the partner who is not so cherished ends up at least as hurt and devastated as the partner who tried to be unselfish.

Now it is totally fine to get close to and partner with someone with health issues or other issues. We all have flaws and problems of some kind. But you do this not by grading an unhealthy person on a curve, so to speak. You do this because despite the other's health issues, you easily see past these issues because you have an absolute blast while with the person and you strongly feel that your life with this person is far better than life without them.

So it's up to you what to do next. But fantasizing for one second that anything will get better because he moves in is going to end up in major and easily avoidable disappointment.

FYI: I have mild to moderate ADHD and I don't want anyone to partner with me who has the slightest doubt about partnering with me. And I will tell anyone that my current life and level of functioning is what they should expect if they partner with me.

Good luck.

Tone

Pentax
08-26-14, 08:34 PM
FYI: I have mild to moderate ADHD and I don't want anyone to partner with me who has the slightest doubt about partnering with me. And I will tell anyone that my current life and level of functioning is what they should expect if they partner with me.

This seems to me spot on, Tone. And I bet you're up front with it.

AbundanceAbound
08-27-14, 02:55 AM
***the intense physical connection and awareness of me he continually displayed in our early courtship days has permanently vanished

***he never plans anything or initiates any activities for us both. Ever. Oddly, we share a birthday. When it was my 50th, we ended up doing only things that made him happy--special stuff for him. Sure, it was his birthday, too, but I was stunned that he didn't even think of any presents, or activities, or surprises for me on my landmark 50th. It never occurred to me that I would have to say to him in advance that I would like him to do something to celebrate me the way I was doing things to celebrate him on our shared day.

***he is always off by 30-60 minutes in all time estimates about anything. Always. Anything.


VeryTired,
Thank you for the very thoughtful and thorough reply. Regarding the quotes above:

* Our physical relationship was UNMATCHED, and I after 3 husbands and multiple lovers, is saying something, even despite the weight issue (300+ pounds). His intellect and that are my main attractions to him. These last few months he's been too tired to hardly do anything anymore and while I know he's still as attracted to me as he ever was, if we're not going to share that intimacy, I don't know what is the point.

* He only planned my 50th birthday dinner because I said I was hoping he would take me out. It was where I wanted and he even had flowers delivered to the table (HUGE nice touch!) so I was impressed. He was late in ordering my birthday present though so that it arrived after my birthday. Just today, I asked him if he'd like to do a certain outing in a couple weeks, something with the symphony, and he said he would, so I said I would get the tickets. Then he asked if that was the kind of he-man thing I was hoping he would plan and I told him that yes, it was, but since he had told me that he was not good at planning anything, I figured it was up to me. He replied, "I'm beginning to wonder just what it is about me that keeps you around. I'm not sure I am or do much of anything that you truly want or need in a man." I managed to change the subject as I detest having such discussions like that over chat, especially at work.

* If only it was 30-60 minutes late or estimates off! He has absolutely no clue as to time. Today he was 2 1/2 hours late to work because he had the beginnings of a migraine (he was able to stop it). He made up the time by working later, 4 1/2 hours later as I write this. He's on a roll working on something (nothing that is due in the morning or even that pressing) so I came home and am here online instead of at his place as I thought I might be tonight.

Yes, I am trying to not be totally superficial and selfish, but I know how that has underserved me in the past. Thank you for your frank reply and giving me more to ponder.

AbundanceAbound
08-27-14, 03:12 AM
I was raised to think of others first and to be thoroughly unselfish. I still support that ethic but have learned that it is wrong and inappropriate when deciding on a romantic relationship. In a romantic relationship both partners want and need to know and feel that the other selfishly and viscerally wants them. Otherwise the partnering will be fundamentally unbalanced, unstable and unhappy. And the partner who is not so cherished ends up at least as hurt and devastated as the partner who tried to be unselfish.


ToneTone,
Thanks for taking time to reply. Your quote above is very thought-provoking and so very true. I just didn't want to be someone else who ended a relationship with him because of the ADD issues. That is why I am trying so hard to appreciate the positive aspects of our relationship and not complain so much about the negative. Though there is a dating coach I like, Evan Marc Katz, who says "Believe the negatives; ignore the positives." He also believes most men will tell you the truth especially when they say things like "I'm not good enough for you," etc., and we should BELIEVE them! :p Why do we find that so hard to do?

I appreciate your advise and words of hard-won wisdom. Thank you. :)

ToneTone
08-27-14, 01:53 PM
Abundance, let's affirm your title. There is an abundant universe out there for him and it's not your job to rescue him.

You would not be breaking up because of ADHD. You would be breaking up because you can't flourish if you partner with this person. You are reacting to some very specific behaviors not, from what I can see, simply the fact that he has a condition.

But again think abundance. It is entirely fine to not date someone because of behavior associated with a particular condition. If you want to rescue someone, find a person with a condition that works for u.

Is he in therapy by the way? Has he hired an ADHD coach? Has he worked to identify the very best psychiatrist out there? Does he read a lot on the condition? It's not clear to me that he is doing all he can to treat his condition. And you never want to partner with a person who fails to do that.

There are other women out there. Let him find them. It is his job to work on himself if he wants to attract more women. To think that he can't do this is really a sign of disrespect. You can let him go AND let yourself imagine that he will improve his life.

I have been on both sides of charity dating. And once I found out that I was a charity case, so much made sense. In retrospect it was obvious that this woman wasn't really drawn to me. Totally obvious. My point is you can't fake the charity thing anyway. The truth comes out. And these days I am that so grateful that this ex told the truth because it allows me to find someone who IS viscerally attracted to me.



Good luck.

Tone

VeryTired
08-28-14, 02:45 PM
Friends--

I just want to say that in this thread, ToneTone has written much that is pure gold. His insights are incredibly clear and wise and he expresses them so well. I've never really understood how the "Rate thread" button works, but I think this is what it's meant for--to call attention to places where people offer deep and timeless wisdom. We are lucky to be able to learn from such a smart. classy guy. Thanks, Tone!

AbundanceAbound
09-05-14, 03:00 AM
(Oh, I am so mad. I had this great reply almost ready to send but I hit something on my keyboard that sent me back a page and now I lost everything and have to start over!)

First off, I second VeryTired's comment about ToneTone! Very insightful replies here and other threads. Thank you for your replies and comments.

This past Friday was my guy's 50th birthday, a day we were both off. He was to come by my house that day after he got up and at 'em. We had dinner reservations at 8p. Guess what time he got to my house? 7:30p, and he wasn't even dressed for dinner (he did that at my house after texting me to please get his clothes laid out for him). Thank goodness the restaurant was only 10 mins away. The rest of the weekend was spent sleeping late, watching football at his apt (I don't have cable), shopping for Labor Day BBQ, watching movies/Netflix, and Labor Day BBQ with my parents and best friend. (He did all the BBQ work and it was very good.) We only had sex once; he very much enjoyed it as he was the more lazy of the participants (you can read between the lines). Considering this was a huge part of our relationship, going back to pedestrian relations ("Of course it was good!") is very disappointing to me.

I had this week off from work and have gotten more done in just a couple days than I had in weeks. My guy had been promising to do little chores/repairs around the house but never had gotten around to it or had the energy so I did them myself. He prides himself on being a "real man" who takes care of those kinds of things so I gave him the chance but I can't wait forever so I did them myself, like I always have. I was seduced by the belief that he would have the follow through and the thought of actually being able to count on someone in those mundane ways. I'd come to the point in my life where I had looked forward to "needing" someone after so long having only myself to reply upon. I know his intentions are real, but how long am I supposed to wait for him to get the energy or time? I fear that it would have been better if we had just stayed FWB and him not fall in love with me. :(

On top of everything, he really screwed something up at work this week and he has a disciplinary meeting with his manager tomorrow. He texted me "I'm just horribly depressed. You know how I feel about making mistakes, plus I just absolutely cannot shake the feeling that you are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with me & our relationship." I was able to deflect the text conversation away from me and back to him making sure he got a good night's sleep so he will be on time tomorrow. Plus I HATE HATE HATE having important relationship talks over text. I just hope things aren't as bad tomorrow with his boss. At least I wasn't working this week so nothing can be blamed on me (not that they really would, but I still worry about that). Wish him luck!

AbundanceAbound
09-05-14, 03:34 AM
Is he in therapy by the way? Has he hired an ADHD coach? Has he worked to identify the very best psychiatrist out there? Does he read a lot on the condition? It's not clear to me that he is doing all he can to treat his condition. And you never want to partner with a person who fails to do that.


Hello Tone,
My BF is on Adderall and takes it mostly during the week. He believes in taking meds holidays on the weekends (as I have also ready about) but then that means I am stuck with his unmedicated time. He's also on meds for thyroid, his brain tumor, and male/growth hormones (from the tumor on his pituitary.) Thus the name of this thread.... :umm1:

He has had therapy in the past but I don't think he has a therapist now. He does not have a coach unless you count me. He has educated himself very thoroughly on the subject and was even diagnosed by one of the early pioneers in adult ADD, so he got a good start, but that was years ago. His minor in college was psychology so he had the interest to followup on the diagnosis.

I wish he would take the Adderall when we are spending our weekends together as I feel I get his sloppy seconds timewise. I know it isn't so, but it can seem that it's important for him to be at his (medicated) best at work, but no need to be when it's just me. I know that's technically not how it is, but I'm sure you can see how that's how it can appear to me.

He has so many health issues that I think he's overwhelmed by them all, balancing all his meds and side effects; he's practically had to become a pharmacist to juggle them all. He's a very educated patient/client.

Thank you for asking. I'm sorry I wasn't clear before.

sarahsweets
09-06-14, 06:01 AM
Abundance: first of all I don't think for a minute you should feel bad for having the feelings that you have. You are entitled to have them. As much as you wish he would change he won't change unless he feels the need to or experiences negative consequences.I'm not saying YOU have to give him negative consequences. I'm just saying that no one changes unless something happens that forces them to. You've mentioned things that will definitely end up being a deal breaker. Lets pretend he never changes and stays exactly the same. Can you live with that? If the answer is no then you should cut your losses. It won't be fair to him or you to stay in the relationship and you will end up resenting him.

AbundanceAbound
09-19-14, 02:35 AM
Update:
I broke up with my ADD guy last night. It was the culmination of two days of talking about how unhappy I had been for a long time. He doesn't want to be someone that a person "puts up with" or "tolerates" and was very pragmatic, but both our hearts were breaking. This is not how I wanted things to end up but I was starting to resent the disappointments. I just don't love him enough or in the right way or whatever. I feel terrible, hurting him so, because he is such a good, good man. I feel terribly selfish but I am hurting too.

Fuzzy12
09-19-14, 06:28 AM
Update:
I broke up with my ADD guy last night. It was the culmination of two days of talking about how unhappy I had been for a long time. He doesn't want to be someone that a person "puts up with" or "tolerates" and was very pragmatic, but both our hearts were breaking. This is not how I wanted things to end up but I was starting to resent the disappointments. I just don't love him enough or in the right way or whatever. I feel terrible, hurting him so, because he is such a good, good man. I feel terribly selfish but I am hurting too.

I'm sorry but it sounds like the right decision for both of you. I often worry that my husband just puts up with me or tolerates me. I know he loves me but I still don't like the thought of being a burden..or a source of constant frustration for someone. You can't be happy if you think that you are constantly making your partner unhappy. I don't think you are being terribly selfish at all, just realistic. It might hurt but hopefully this has saved both of you from years of frustration, disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. :grouphug:

Little Missy
09-19-14, 06:34 AM
Sometimes it is much easier to just love someone rather than be in love with someone.