I just recently started meds for ADD, and it is working- it is like a light came on and I am able to think and get things done. I love it, and I am just thrilled!

My little problem right now is with DH. For years, he has been on me about keeping the house better. I always wanted to keep the house nice, but just wasn't able to get it done. This has been a real issue to him, and he hasn't always been very nice about it either. Right now my house is starting to really look good. I would think he would be happy about this, since it always seemed so important to him. But he appears to be sabotaging my efforts.

I have been doing major decluttering. I threw away so much stuff, and only kept the good useful stuff. It is just amazing how much useless junk I had accumulated, I can't imagine why I saved it all.
My DH seems almost annoyed. He keeps trying to save stuff that I want to get rid of. I haven't thrown away anything that belongs to him, mostly just household stuff that I had brought into the house. If he sees me throwing stuff away, he picks through it and tries to tell me why we should keep stuff. I tried to explain to him that I think that with my hoarding/clutter problem that it is better if I have a minimum of stuff around. He doesn't understand why I don't think we need sheets that don't fit any bed in the house or an old pile of scratched up pans I never use. I think he is being a nudge about it on purpose. So I have been tossing stuff out when he isn't home, he'll never miss the stuff.
He also has been getting annoyed with me and complaining at me for putting stuff away. For example, he was all annoyed because I took an X-box game off the kitchen counter and put it with the X-box. Yesterday I showed him a shelf I cleared off in the bedroom and I told him that it where I will be placing his work clothes for the next day. This morning he was mad that his clothes for the day were waiting for him on that shelf. These are just examples. I know that this putting stuff away is new, but I am stunned that he is getting annoyed by it.
I think he is also being messier on purpose. He used to make a big production out of throwing his laundry down the laundry chute, and now he has just been leaving it in a pile on the floor, or just leaving it around the house. He has been leaving dirty dishes all around, and leaving his stuff sitting out when he used to put it away.
I can't understand this. He was always so upset with me about the house, and while he says he is happy it is looking better he keeps getting in a bad mood over it. I don't expect him to have any confidence right now that it will stay this way, but he could be at least a little supportive. Maybe he is just used to being mad at me, and doesn't know what to do when I fix the stuff he has been complaining about.
Mostly we get along very good, our major problem has always been his frustration at my lack of housekeeping skills and my clutter problem. At least that is always what he said was his big problem with me, but now I'm not so sure.

I think I know how you feel. Maybe he, Like my hubby, is afraid that it will not last and is subconciously testing it?

I am unsure as to why your Husband is behaving like he is, other than ttjmom's answer.

Have you asked him why he appears upset now you are doing the things that he used to find upsetting left undone?

Perhaps he has changed and now misses you as your once were. I know that sounds strange, but maybe he feels like everything has changed in his life.

I hope he learns to appreciate your efforts! Please let us know how you get on.

Take Care,
~Viktoria

I agree with Viktoria, talk to him. Not at the moment he has done something in a huff or a pout but maybe over dinner when you're talking about your day. "It hurts my feelings when.... or I'm confused by..." phrases work well (I hope).

In the meantime, he's being a bit immature (ok more than a bit but I'll try to go easy on him); so leave his clothes in front of the laundry chute until you do laundry. Don't lay out his clothes for work (good grief, how old is he? 6? my 7 yo can dress himself - mostly). I would pick up the dirty dishes, that makes sense. Throwing stuff out when he's not at home sounds like a good idea.

Is his ego bruised? Did he feel superior to you because you were a mess and now that you're improving on some basic skills he feels you've one-upped him? The ego can be a fragile and confusing thing. My hubby does that on certain things and it's annoying as all heck. (and he's a darling, too, so I know your hubby isn't always difficult)

I have confidence you can work this out. Congratulations on your meds and the improvements you've made. You've inspired me today. I think I will get those dishes done and not procrastinate until the cupboards are bare. :)

I did ask him why he seems to be in a bad mood and grumpy, and he says that he isn't and that nothing is wrong. That just isn't true since he has been complaining and huffing and puffing around.

I sure can understand why he would be worried that it won't last. I'm worried about that too. My feelings are just hurt that I am getting stuff done that he has been complaining about for years and he still isn't happy.

He is a good guy, and he has put up with a lot. I do think perhaps he is feeling insecure. Maybe he is thinking that if I pull it together I won't need him anymore and I will leave him. Which isn't true. But I do know that in the past he has worried that I will leave him if I didn't need him. I recently inherited a large amount of money, and I am no longer financially dependent on him. Maybe not needing him financially topped with the possibility that I may be able to pull myself together in other ways has made him feel insecure. He does like being needed, his relationships with his family and friends revolve a lot around him doing things for them. And in the past, I have depended on him for almost everything. He tends to be controlling, and I guess he is losing a lot of that control over me. Before I would have had to stay with him even if I didn't want to, because I couldn't take care of myself and I needed him to provide for me financially. If things continue to improve for me, I will be in a situation where I am staying because I want to, not because I have to, and maybe he is worried I won't want to.

Or maybe he is just a big grouch!

No matter what he thinks, or how he acts, I am just so happy about how I feel! And I am loving how my house looks! Some of my cabinets, drawers, and shelves are actually empty! And the rest are nice and neat. I just now threw away everything that was stuffed under my bed, and my bedroom is now officially clutter-free and completely organized. That was the last room to be done, and now there is not one piece of clutter in my house. Except for DH's nightstand, and his closet shelves but I can't mess with those. Even if the meds stop working and this doesn't last, I will have a real hard time messing up the house since all the clutter is gone!

You are awesome. Congratulations on the clutter free life. Can you rub some off on me????

Hmmmmmm I know this story well :eyebrow:

Mostly we get along very good, our major problem has always been his frustration at my lack of housekeeping skills and my clutter problem. At least that is always what he said was his big problem with me, but now I'm not so sure.
Oh gawd! I can soooo relate to this comment. This is the major problem in our relationship as well. I am hoping once I get the meds straightened out, I will be motivated like you to declutter and keep up on the housework. I always just assumed that my DH would be thrilled.

I'm really confused by your DH's behavior. My only conclusion is: Men don't like change. You changed. Fast. I think it is fabulous and am so happy for you. I would have a serious talk with him. He needs to be supportive of you right now because you are going through a lot of change too.

All I know for sure is that if my DH pulls something like this when I go on meds, he is in deep doo. I would probably go on strike and only clean for my own purpose and leave him to take care of himself.

Funny I was going to start a thread about this same thing. The difference is it's my live in girlfrind thats treating me this way. Not only am I catching h** for doing these things, she could care less about me now. Doesn't even want to talk to me. It really is a shame I feel so much better and instead of enjoying it with me she is bent on taking it away. I have no idea what to do. The talking thing shure hasn't helped (she makes it very clear she dont want to talk about it).
It really surprises me that others are going through the EXACT same thing. If I had started this thread it would read almost word for word.
Chris

Why don't you guys make your husband clean after THEMSELVES? :confused:

Funny I was going to start a thread about this same thing. The difference is it's my live in girlfrind thats treating me this way. Not only am I catching h** for doing these things, she could care less about me now. Doesn't even want to talk to me. It really is a shame I feel so much better and instead of enjoying it with me she is bent on taking it away. I have no idea what to do. The talking thing shure hasn't helped (she makes it very clear she dont want to talk about it).
It really surprises me that others are going through the EXACT same thing. If I had started this thread it would read almost word for word.
Chris
This may not be true of your GF, but some people can only feel good about themselves when they are with people who are somehow inferior to them. I have an aunt who has to be the matriarch and caregiver in every relationship. She really gets off on people who are needier than she is. Mind you, she can be a very generous, caring person, but I've seen it go too far. My Dad is the same way, he just feels better when someone else feels worse.

If our significant other in our lives cannot be happy for us when we are doing better, than what's the point of being with them? Do they really want to hold us down? And if so, why stay?

Maybe your GF just fears change as suggested, but if it goes beyond housekeeping, or maybe that's just the beginning, that does demand some explanation.

Live in the moment. Enjoy it and dont let anyone take it away. Congrats to you on your triumphs. It is monumental and it should be appreciated as nothing less then that.

I tend to agree with eyeforgot. Some ppl just need to feel superior to others to be happy with themselves. It is not intentional. It is just part of who they are, like the ADD is part of who we are.

Next time you want to find out what is wrong, try being more direct. When I ask my husband what is wrong, he says the same thing. Nothing, Im fine he says. But I know better.

It works better if I ask him directly, "honey is there something wrong with the house being clean? I thought this is what you wanted. Is there something else I should be doing. Or did you like the house a mess?"

They may not even realize they are doing this, or know what is going on in their head, they just dont like change. It is unsettling to them.

I have found that men dont understand inuendo and insinuation. Direct is the way to go. In my experiences anyway.

I agree with crazymama, men definitely don't get subtle (mostly) and I've had much better results with guys when I'm just plain old direct.

Mine never really made issue of how I kept house but on the rare occasions that I can get things done, he seems pleased with me but he doesn't do anything to help me keep it clean. He'll leave things all over the place instead of putting them back. If I try to organize a space, he'll just go in & wreck it after I worked all day to get it straight.

I've tried talking to him about helping me out by helping me keep things in their places but it's like talking to a wall. It would be so much easier for me to keep the house clean if he helped pick things up.

Or like when we come back from the store. He leaves me the job of putting things away & if there's not a spot for something, he just leaves it out. This is the one thing that I'm trying to change in the way I do things. For me, if it's out of sight, it's out of mind but I'm trying to have places for everything so I know what's junk & what's not.

Not only do I have to fight my own urges just to let things lay out but I have to train him & my 2 boys at the same time in order to try to make sense out of the mess that is my home :eek:

Umm... Why are women expected to do all of the housework?


I think that is a stupid expectation. Even a stay at home mom needs help with cleaning (actually even more). I have to admit I am not the best at cleaning but when I was married I would do it... she just had to clear the house of herself and the kids so I could concentrate without interruption (because she could never let me be when I was cleaning)... then cleaning was a great place to throw hyperfocus.