Hi everyone! I'm new to addforums and am glad to have found this place.

I'm volunteering, assisting the San Fernando Valley CHADD Chapter Coordinator, Dr. Barbara Cohen, gather some information on relationship issues for people with AD/HD. I'm trying to identify the top 10-20 issues adults (myself included) face in our relationships with a significant other. Dr. Cohen's done a lot of work on this topic and developed some effective "solutions." (She spoke at CHADD 2002,ADDA 2003 and will be presenting on AD/HD, relationships and romance at CHADD 2003). I'd like to make this as comprehensive a solution set as possible. Any feedback, experiences, what you wish you knew, or what you've learned about relationships (good and the bad) would help greatly. We're working on creating a workshop/seminar on how to improve one's (adult) relationships to be held at upcoming AD/HD conferences. I'm hoping to offer our results as a free teleseminar by the middle of October. Here's what we have identified as key issues to date: mood swings, sex, communication, procrastination, disorganization & messiness, not setting aside time for the relationship itself, impulsivity, blended families (one parent's kids have ADD, the others not), distractibility, work/career issues, one partner not getting the right treatment, not taking meds properly, frequently being in denial, partner without ADD getting fed up with the "excuses," broken promises, reactivity, low self-esteem, disagreement(s) about disciplining children, self-care, poor social skills, situations when one partner has ADD & the other doesn't vs. when both have it. Bottom line- what bugs you the most in your relationship. Your responses are greatly appreciated, either on-line or directly to me, and will be held in strictest confidence. Thanks in advance for your help! Peter

Probably communiation. I misinterpret things too much.

Tudorose- I appreciate the feedback. Communication... misinterpreting. I find that I have to slow myself down (often!). Find myself thinking I know what (or why) someone's doing/thinking and before they've finished, I'm "answering" what's going on in my head and not their's. Needless to say I often found myself apologizing (or in a fight) when my response had nothing to do with what was being "communicated" to me.
What really helped me was taking a class in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) where they said it was the responsibility of the communicator to get his/her message across. If the person receiving (listening) to it didn't get it, it wasn't "their" fault but it was my responsibility. Makes me work a lot harder now to ensure that what I think I'm telling someone is what they're "hearing" and also has me responding back to people communicating with me to ensure I get what they're saying. Whew! Somedays it's a lot of work...

Well a long-distance relationship for me has pretty much just ended.....we both have ADD. Funny but it was not the long distance thing that was the biggest problem.....we were in touch all the time and he visited quite frequently....It was our religious differences...something I was not willing to compromise....He had a son, 6 years old, who did not show signs of ADD. I regret this a lot because it was the best relationship I ever had in terms of being treated right, like a lady, and with dignity...and I know he was faithful....We were great friends....had wonderful, heart felt honest conversations....and I liked the fact that he loved me but had a whole complete life of his own....good home, good job, his own friends, and of course a great relationship with his little boy...etc. He was very supportive, emotionally available, etc...He wanted to be involved with my life...something I was never experienced with a relationship previously....His neediness only came out in the end when I repeatedly refused to make a lifelong commitment with him.....He started to get clingy, shall we say....perhaps as last ditch attempts to hold on.......he has had to accept our differences and that it is over....in fact we both have....I KNOW I'm doing the right thing....my religion means a lot to me and I need to be with someone who practices in the same way....will I ever find someone as great as this guy was???? Anyway, the fact that we were both ADD I think helped the relationship....it made our idiosyncracies more acceptable and understandable to each other...when we were together, if one of us needed "space", the other didn't freak out....I have to say though, since we were both ADD'ers, sometimes we were just nuts....and acted like it....publicly and in private......but he sure could make me laugh....

Communication: I read into what is happening far more than I should and sometimes assume that others have understood my implied messages (they usually don't).

Productivity: Numerous projects running all at once result in tortoiselike progress on any one of them although I feel like I work hard.

I've changed over the past few years. With age and learning more about ADD and accepting myself. I've found my husband and I getting along less and less. He doesn't accept my ADD. I'm finding that my ADD personality was something that he found exciting about me when we first met (before I was Dx). Now it's a source of great stress for him because I wont conform to what he thinks the perfect mother and wife should be like. He also uses my ADD as the excues to our problems on refusing to take any blame for his contribution.

I've been with my husband for 20 years, married 15 of those. I was 20 when we met. Other than him I've not been with anyone else in a long term relationship. So I don't really have any way of seeing if my ADD causes any problems in relationships or if it's just the man I choose to marry. I must add he's just been Dx as bipolar.......

i just dont have relationships anymore, ive found its just way too hard for me....dating is so stressful, so i fill my time up with lots of friends and doing things with them on the weekends, plus im a single mom - so sadly to say im not even making the effort or time to meet men....

I would have to say priorities. Like what is small,or big. What is worth sweating over.

Well...I have noticed a few have mentioned communication and misinterpretation...I would actually like to refer to my issues as overinterpretation/underinterpretation...one seems to happen when the other is needed...(I read too much into things when I shouldnt, and dont read enough into things when I should...). Joan, I hope I am not being too forward in asking about your religious differences...I am fascinated by what people do for religion/spiritual reasons and would like to inquire about your religious background etc...and what the problem was...(basically merely out of interest due to 1. United Church upbringing and 2. A background in sociology/anthropology....). I will understand, however, if this subject is too sensitive....personal beliefs can bring about strong emotions especially when challenged or questioned...

Missing Cues

Missing: I will talk about my religion, not his, because he is part of these Forums....and I wish to respect his privacy....I was born, raised, brought up Jewish....and I wish to marry someone who is also Jewish. It is important to me, the culture and all. It is not just a religion to me....it's an entire history, culture and lifestyle. The Jews are my people. I was Bat-Mitzvahed at 13. I went to Hebrew school starting at age um like 5 and graduated. I went to Israel when I was 16. I'm interested in continuing to practice. I have to come to find my own connection between Judiasm and spirituality that was NOT there while I was growing up....In fact I was raised conservative. I have switched on my own to a less "strict", if you will, form of Judiasm, reformed. Anyway, I want to marry someone who will practice the religion with me at least somewhat...i.e. attend temple with me on Friday nights. I still read (and sing!) Hebrew quite well....All the prayers and songs are still stuck in my mind from years ago.....This is true of my entire family, by the way. Both my sister and brother are married to Jewish people....Yes my friend who was not Jewish could have converted but I did not want him to do that. I want to be with someone who was born Jewish....just my preferance....
Now most Jewish wives can cook up a storm. God knows my mom can. I cannot....My ADD will not allow me to put a really huge meal together. Simple meals yes. So if I ever do a Passover Sedar, my future husband will have to help:) Does that answer your question, Missing?

Ok, thats cool....I was just interested....Its good to have things like that to live by...anyway, I hope you find that someone one day...just wondering....thats all.

I think it's neat to be the kind of person who wonders and asks questions about others, Missing. I admire that trait. I don't share about my religion that much....at least lately. I think it's because I haven't been around too many Jewish people in the last few years. My school in California was 7th Day Adventist:) and I don't live in a big Jewish population here in Florida either. But hope to change that (which is why if I get this job in Boca Raton it would be great). But you're right when you say "it's good to have things like this to live by"

And from YOUR mouth to God's ears -- I TOO hope I find "that someone" one day:) Thanks Missing.

So Peter: What WILL you do with all of this enlightening information:) ????????????

Joan, two things that immediately come to mind. One, try to find solutions to the problems people are identifying. (One I forgot is hyperfocus.) Two, share those results with the AD/HD population: free teleclass, posted on our CHADD blog, with the parents and adults of our chapter and to the "world at large" at CHADD and ADDA conferences. And...improve my own relationships. :) So far, the biggest help to me has been a big dose of humility and accepting the "blinks" in my attention and that of my ADD partner, learning to laugh at myself more freely- Peter

There is a work by, of all people, Edgar Allen Poe, called the Fate of the Very Greatest.

So it is set, but it is really about heterogenious populations of people, with different everythings, from different abilites to perceive, to different values and the inevitable trouble that comes from a homogeniuos, or singe, measuring stick.

If you can't find it, I'll type it in, it is only two paragraphs, but it speaks volumes to me. It doesn't hurt that I represent the exact same conflict INTERNALLY myself, as I have some perhaps "gifted" strenghts as well as some very average or lower average IQ measures as well.

The conflicts from the outside, and the same conflicts from the inside. Interesting, and painful.

So one problem i have in relationships is truely being misunderstood by others. they litterally can't believe what they see when they look at me. Why am I late, why can't i do a particular thing, when it seems i should be able to ?

On top of that, I perpetrate identical or similar failures to understand myself upon myself. This further impacts my ability to relate to others.

Finally, i seem to share a small numbe of characterisitics with those diagnosed as Aspergers. I'm terribly high "functioning" don't you know? That means i am frequently not recognized by ANYONE, MYSELF included, as needing what otherwise one would be sure to see I absolutely need as a support.

That hurts relationships.

Peter:

For me, the biggest thing not mentioned above is a battle between myself and my wife over whether I am going to focus on something exciting, or focus on her. I try to do both in life but sometimes she is unhappy with the results. :D

Also... distractible and impulsive in terms of seeing other women and wanting to go flirt with them. That's a bad one too.

Originally posted by Paul S
Peter:

For me, the biggest thing not mentioned above is a battle between myself and my wife over whether I am going to focus on something exciting, or focus on her. :D



Paul: I hear you say here: focus on something EXCITING.... or.... focus on HER....Can BOTH co-exist -- for you?

Otherwise the implication is your wife is not exciting. Focus on something EXCITING vs. HER....see what I mean? And I doubt that's what you meant.....:)

No, Joan, that's exactly what I meant. My wife is very loving, accepting, comforting, warm, sweet, wonderful, caring, intelligent, I could go on and on about her... but she does very little to provide the adrenaline that my ADD brain craves.

Darnit...too bad she can't open her purse...and out comes the adrenaline........wouldn't that be GREAT???:D....OR too bad we can't buy it at the grocery store....huh?????

Just kidding.....I see your dilemma....Paul......:( :(

Can you do something adrenlin provoking WITH her????

Let's see this is a romance thread, right? Do you two have a hot tub????

I forgot the topic but i remembered what it was about LOL

Relationship problem, #1 Excuses/broken promises I told my girlfriend that I would take more resposibility and make more decisions for us because she feels like she is the only resposible one in the relationship (isn't true but I show it diff.) So I try and try and try but I come up short time and time again and she accuses me of not trying at all. (really hurts cause i am) It is just one fight after another and I ALWAYS feel I am to blame. I appologize profusly in my life to the point where my signigicant other will usually say "will you pls stop saying i'm sorry) Usually the fights start when my brain is way overloaded with things that really arn't a big deal (well to non-adders) Its like all these things will be going on in my life/head and someone will call to make a dinner date with us (me and girlfriend) she turns to me and says would you like to go eat and all i respond with is "I can't make anymore decisions right now" To me the response was just saying please give me a min or can you make this decision right now cause boy my brain is smoking but to her it said "I really don't care and I'm not going to make a decision because I don't want to be resposible"

Ok that was just one example i can think of. Also I guess what else that goes in with that would be misinterpretation/overinterpretation Like someone said they underinterprete the important things and overinterpret the silly things. Delt with that one 99 % of my life. I have infact got my girlfriend to understand a little bit about ADD and its affects on me, lets hope she won't give up and we can come up with some understanding of what is expected and exactly how to communicate it because I love her very much and hope we can figure this out..... i'm sick of losing people I love over things like this. Well i'm done ranting LOL

Wes

That's definitely a problem for me, too. I will promise my wife I'll do something (i.e. arrange a babysitter, change the cat litter, do the dishes) or have an implied promise to her (something special for Valentine's Day, Christmas, Birthday, and Anniversary) and it will simply slip my mind... I have the best and purest of intentions to do it... and will often remember it at many inopportune moments (remembering cat litter when at work, for example, then forgetting it at home).

My poor wife gets very annoyed and disappointed at me sometimes, which I totally understand, and accuses me sometimes of just not caring about her... which is NOT true, but I can still understand her feeling...

Originally posted by joanrdtobe


Paul: I hear you say here: focus on something EXCITING.... or.... focus on HER....Can BOTH co-exist -- for you?

Otherwise the implication is your wife is not exciting. Focus on something EXCITING vs. HER....see what I mean? And I doubt that's what you meant.....:)

I guarantee, wife COULD do something to be more exciting than about anything, but the CONFLICT is the unfair part in the first place.

My wife used to get really steamed when she would be "pooring her heart out after i asked her to" and I'd pay attention to a firetruck running down the street. the fact that I immediately turned my attention BACK to he was not good enough. I should NEVER have noticed the firetruck abd ear destroying sirens and horn while she was pooring out her heart.

So only do that in a sound proof room is what I would learn... :)