View Full Version : Borderline Devaluating loved ones...

04-06-05, 02:20 PM
I have a problem, I just realized that I devaluate my SO, the person I love most, and I didn't know it was a BPD trait but reading research tonight I found it, just out there.

I am very upset by this, and want to know if anyone else has done this, if they know how to coup (stop) when they catch themselves, what to do to repair a given instance of relaps.

I want to learn how to live in the moment, how to be not so serious all the time, how to look outside of myself and communicate more with others. It seems so flustrating, that I keep making the same mistake - hitting the same brick wall over and over again.

04-07-05, 09:44 AM
Here is what I was told to do by someone else:

What I found helpful is to think up a list of positive and negative things. Not positive and negative things of the person per se, but things you like and don't like. Because people aren't all good or all bad. And typically we don't completely love them or completely hate them. There are things that we like and things that we aren't so keen on.

A list like that can be something to reflect on when you go either way.<O:p</O:p

If you find yourself idealising someone - have a think about some of the qualities that you aren't so fussed on. And if you find yourself devaluing someone then have a think about some of the qualities that you like about them.<O:p</O:p

Having a more balanced view can help with swings either way.
But it can be hard to think of nice things when you are annoyed, and hard to think of the not so nice things when they seem about perfect.
A list can be something to reflect on to help yourself try to have a more balanced view. <O:p</O:p

Ok, things I like:<O:p</O:p

<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com /><st1:NumConv6p0 val=1</st1:NumConv6p0>. I like his sense of humor, he is more able to live in the moment then me, and capable of making light of a situation when he puts his mind to it.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="2" sch="1">2</st1:NumConv6p0>. I like his sense of rightness, fairness in the world; he is always helping people out when he can in greater need then us.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="3" sch="1">3</st1:NumConv6p0>. I like that he is a very intelligent person and he strives to learn all of the time.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="4" sch="1">4</st1:NumConv6p0>. I like that he has a strong work ethic, and wants to be productive.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="5" sch="1">5</st1:NumConv6p0>. I like that he does not drink, and is a role model to me.
Ok, things I dislike:<O:p</O:p

<st1:NumConv6p0 val="1" sch="1"></st1:NumConv6p0>
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="1" sch="1">1</st1:NumConv6p0>. I dislike that he is secretive; he wonít always share how he is feeling with me.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="2" sch="1">2</st1:NumConv6p0>. I dislike that recently he does not tell me where he is going or gives me good bye kiss all the time like he use to. Or take initiative to tell me first that he loves me.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="3" sch="1">3</st1:NumConv6p0>. I dislike that I feel like he withholds his time with me, I actually feel like he avoids me and I am not important like I use to be. I use to be his baby angle.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="4" sch="1">4</st1:NumConv6p0>. I dislike that he donít always introduce me to people he meets on the streets, he just ignores me sometimes in that respect, like I am not important enough.
<st1:NumConv6p0 val="5" sch="1">5</st1:NumConv6p0>. I dislike that I involve myself with his interests, but he don't do the same for me.<O:p</O:p

Just thought I would share as example, I am not sure if this is right right way of looking at things but it is a start for me.

04-22-05, 11:14 PM
hi nightstar ,
I do devalue those around me too. The people like my family. I put others in front of them. I have a hard time dealing with this disorder. I hate it and It makes me mad and when I am mad I shut down. I know that is what I have been doing lately in on the forum. I dont mean to ignore your post or emails.

I have a hard time talking about bpd more so than anything else because others make me feel like it is my fault. I hope you are okay and miss you.

04-22-05, 11:43 PM
So happy to hear from you, it has been rough last few days, I have been really down, got into fight with SO and he yelled at me... I cried for a half hour straight and had the hiccups almost an hour straight. It was terrible, I serioulsy thought of just ending it all right then and there I was so upset.

I am so relieved to hear from you, and missed you, thought of you the last few days hoping to hear from you.

I have been so parnioid that he is just going to get mad and leave me, I am afraid to take my trip to see my sister, I have it stuck in my mind that he is going to leave me while I am gone, I told him but he never reassured me that he wouldn't.

I got most of my stuff moved to the apartment, and don't want to go there by myself without him.

Besides that it was all over a slight from his oldest boy that upset me, he keeps cooking meals and purposely not including me in meals, I told SO I was upset over that when I try to include him in meals when I make them. Problem is that he usually turns down what I make, like it is not good enough for him, but problem is that I am running out of money to feed everyone in the house for the next week or two, and I have been stressing out. I know I am not going to make it until I get my first disability check. Have a total of 4 people in this house hold. I have already been to the food pantry this month, maybe I can call and ask them for an advance on next month since by then I will have money to get through.

I am sorry that you have not been feeling good, if it is ok, I will still e-mail you, miss you and I am here.

04-22-05, 11:56 PM
sure it is okay if you email.