well my 'condition' has declined over the last few days

i have realised that my anxiety levels are moderately high, and that often i just feel extrememly tired and everything is spinning and going RRRR RRRRR RRRRRR around me, and i have to calm down really hard.

i'm very confused, my thoughts are just stupid and muddled in a 'dyslexic' fashion (i use the word 'dyslexic' here for illustrational purposes only, and do not believe i have dyslexia.....).. what i mean is, words will just mangle and muddle, or they will swap around whole or parts, or whole thoughts will transcend each other. example two separete thoughts, "chinese takeout" and "mobile phone" will become "chinese phone" (that specific thought didt happen, but its just an illustration). it happsns worse than that but i dont remmeber.

i hardly remember what i was doing 5 mins ago.

time is dragging on. three minutes earlier on (yeah i lookd at the clock bfore and after) felt like half an hour.

i'm hyperactive and need to find my squishy ball thing to bounce and squch (its like a stress ball made of that foam stuff)
and i know i'm H, but this is just ovelry, skin-crawling, my god get me out of here im so bored and irritatd i need to run around in circles and laugh and dance and scream but im so trapped in this little confined space in this rigid world and nothings working ok help me f*** geez!

i'm having trouble getting up in the morning. if i have to get out to go somerhwer for a specific time, i can sort of get up JUST IN TIME and i have a deadline of time and i have to rush around. this week i havent had to go anywehre.. and i know its sort of that i dont get to bed on time, but i just cant get up. i just stay ehre.

its affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, severely, in many dimensions. in the more.. uhh... private side of things, he was here a few hours ago, and i just got so irritable and .. i dont know how to describe it other than BORED (apart from distractability and "not-here-right-now-ness") and i just couldnt do anything.
in more non-private sort of stuff, he came over, and i had actually FORGOT he was coming over (even though we discussed it 15 mins prior!) and i said to him "oh.. right.. you i forgot about you, sort of i mean uh... yeah..." and let him in, and my usual greeting to him coming over would be smile, hello, hug and kiss. well he didnt get any of that tonight, and i was off downstairs to fix up stuff like put a drinking glass back in the kitchen.

the other thing here is that its gotton so bad, and i dont know how to tell him. so many times, over in my head tonight, i felt like sayign "are you ok? cause im not!" (for thos ofyou: james also has add, and i know he thinks he's doing ok, or he pretends he's diong ok, but i dont thikn he is realy...)

and today i met with my tutor teacher (im going on prac, i.e. being a "student-teacher" for a whole term in a school), and i was completely not-there in my head, i was trying so hard to listen and talk to her and take all the information in but i couldnt, and i kept having questions pop up in myu head, but i they all fell out.

and im wondering whether i should tell her about my adhd. the thing is... i dont know if you relaly go up to a person and say "i have adhd"... things are

- why am i telling her
- how will she react
- she might ask WHY im not on medication
- she will ask if im seeing a dr (and i know i should be, which is what this thread is mainy about, but im not.. thats the fact)
- she might have wrong conceptions about adhd
- she might think im just tryingto make excuses
- do i want to tell her for good reason, or do i just feel the need to reach out to someone else and tell them and try to get some sort of help?

this is a bad time for me, i have exams next week.

i hope i dont f*** up like i did last year.. i got BORED in my last exam and just sort of.... sat there. i pretty much gave up on the exam and didnt want to be ther. i still passed, in fact i got a credit, but i know i could have done a lot better.

i saw the equity officer at uni a few months ago, asking for what they could do in exams for adhd, they said i could have a sep. room with 10 mins extra per hour and 5 mins extra rading time (meaning usually, 15 mins reading time and 2hrs 20 mins writing time, opposed to the normal 10 mins reading 2 hrs writing).
this would help me a lot.. but i didnt get around to seeing the doctor. it was hard enough to ask the GP for a referral.
i do still ahve the letter.



i dont know..... i just neeed to go get help..

i cant do it this or next week, but i coul cal up next week and then uhm... make an appt for the next week. i guess the first steps i shoudl take are

1. talk to james about it
2. call up the doctor, explain the lettter, ask about consultation fees and if he's availbeble.

if it costs too much, like $200 or something, then there's just no way its a viable option.

the mentioning it to james part is a good idea, because
1. he offered to go with me
2. he could drive me there
3. if i tell him, then i HAVE TO CALL! i cant just procrastinate more..

well at least the dr will see obviously im not a faker trying to get meds, and this procrastination kind of hightlihgs 2 things
1. that medication is NOT my motive
2. procrastinating for THIS LONG on something THIS IMPORTANT?!?! (beep beep, sirens and flashing lights on the "ADD partol car" please???)

yeah... sorry if this makes no sense, id idnt even type it in any particular physical order, i wrote topic sentences and then filled them in, and as thoughts sparked i stuffed more thought in between..


i just NEED TO GET HELP NOW!!! (in the next few weeks).


im scared about seeing the doctor.
what will happen? what will he ask? what happens then? i dotn know i just dont know!!!!!

Hugs hon sounds like you have made some decisions. That is awesome. You have decided to tell your boyfriend so he will make sure you call.

Go with it!

no i didnt tell him yet.. i tried to, but i didnt tell him yet!

and i need advice on.. i dont know what
umm


1. do i tell my tutor teacher? (the teacher who is looking after me who is the real teacher of the year 5 class in which i will be a student-teacher). i will be working every day full time with this teacher for ten weeks. thats a long time. she might not understand adhd though, its a single-sex all girls private school; if there are any girls in her class with adhd it woudl either be not noticed, or the parents are so rich that they would be severely medicated. (generalizations.. but probably close to truth!)

2. how do i aproach my boyfrind about this?

3. what will happen in the doctor. what do i do? im really scared about it actually. very. the type of fear that often has me crying and squirming with the thought of it.

Okay first take a very deep breath and understand your not alone. You have reached out and you will be fine.

1. Just tell your boyfriend that you need him to encourage you to call the dr.
the conversation will progress from there and remember its you he cares for.

2. Always approach telling people things on this basis.... Will it help me if they know?
If it will then by all means tell her. You might want to have some reading material with you just in case she does not understand adhd.

3. You can not be scared to talk to your dr. Remember he works for you not you for him. He will begin most likely by asking questions. Answer from your heart and all will be fine.

hugs hon we will get thru this.

1. ADD is a very relevant to education, regardless of the school; so chances are that your tutor will have some background knowledge, which will probably make her more receptive. But ultimatly it comes down to how she seems to you. Does she seem down to earth, or stuck up?

2. I'd guess that your boyfriend would be very sympathetic, considering he's been through all this before and realises how necessary the whole diagnostic process is. I wouldn't read too much into his behaviors; from what you say he sounds preoccupied, but this is something which could well stem from the ADD; overfocusers have a tendancy to focus on just one thing, and seem dead to the world, for non-ADD people this is an ominous sign, but in overfocusers it isn't.

3. It's really not that scary. It's nothing more than a simple, informal chat, and maybe a short questionaire. You're certainly ADD/ADHD, so you've got nothing to hold back, or fake. Just say how you feel :)

It's alright to want medication; you're not looking for a high, just a solution to your problem.

Your anxiety issues are definatly worth mentioning, I'd guess that it would help a lot if they were medicated too.

Psychiatrists can wind up quite costly, have you got a family medical plan that could cover these appointments?

:) Don't Stress.:) The doctor will probably give you a test to see if you have AD/HD. The test would probably be just you answering a bunch of questions. Then if you do have AD/HD , the doctor will probably decide on what medication to put you on. Starting you off on a low dose to see where to go from there.


:p Here's some other things you might like to know(about AD/HD):

*AD/HD people ususal have trouble with organizing

* AD/HD people have trouble socially



:o To organize , there are great sites that are helpful in this area. I suggest reading a book, because its not as easy to get side tracked.
Try reading Organizing from the Inside Out for Teens by By Julie Morgenstern and Jessi Morgenstern-Colon

:cool: To do better socially read What does Everybody Else Know That I Don't? by Michele Novinti


These things take time :eyebrow: ,but you'll enjoy your way to get there by seeing the progress.;)

thanks chica

yeah i know allll about adhd, haha. thanks for the book suggestions too.

pretty much, i absolutely know i have adhd and now i just need a dr to back that up and probably write me some documentation so i can get help (and PERHAPS be medicated..).

ttjmom: could you point me in the direction of some good sources i could print off about adhd that i could have on hand for her to read?

i guess i'd want realy simple comprehensive stuff, then more detailed stuff to read after that. something. dont know.

Okay first I want you to read this.

http://www.diltay.com/ then:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9767

Then this describes add to a "T"

http://www.edutechsbs.com/adhd/00020.htm

If you go to www.bigsplace.com you can pick and choose the information that you would like to put together for her to read.

If you need some help putting it together let me know.

thanks.

now if only i could bring myself to tell james i really think its time for me to call this dr now.

i was with him on fridaynight, all night, most of the time his sister was around though - so i couldnt say anything. but i was with him in the car for a total of more than half an hour all up, and i didnt mention it once! i kept thinking about it, but he was rambling on as usual
1. i didnt know how to just bring up out of the blue "so.. i think i should really see this doctor soon.."
2. i cant actually remember my reasons for seeing the dr, apart from the obvious - but i think a few days ago i was really in a panick about it. while there are a lot of things, i dont nkow maybe im just in denial today, but it doesnt seem so serious right now? (back of my mind i know it is... but...)

and i dont know what james thinks of me being medicated. i know he takes ritalin (he was taking dexedrine.. so i dont nkow what happened, but i saw a packet of ritalin with his name on it so he must have changed??) and i know he takes it every day to go to uni, and if he has an exam in the afternoon he will bring some more to take at lunch time... but he doenst take it during the holidays or on weekends, nor when he gos to work (he's a swimming instructior for kids aged between 5 and 12).

he's never actually said anything about ME, that maybe i should be on medication. he's only ever said stuff like "just try to focus" or "pay attention".

and i think... oh.. yeah.. right, sorry i should just PAY ATTENTION and STAY FOCUSED! is that all i need to do? geez, if i'd known THAT all these years.... :rolleyes:

but anothe rfriend of mine who lives in canada, i was telling him the other day, and telling him all the goings on, and he knows a fair bit abotu adhd and knows me rather well (and his brother has adhd), and after hearing all that i had to say, he said "wow, you really need to get yourself on medication! ritalin, dexedrine, f***, SOMETHING!!".

ahh... another issue here, how much does medication usually cost, approximately? since i would be paying for it myself, because mum isnt going to hear a word about htis.
and i still dont know what exactly im going to DO with this medication.. eg. where to store it, what time of the day to take it: do i take it when i levae the house, and then not take it at times when i'm at home with mum because she might notice a dramatic change in me?

i also.. ive read stuff about medication, that it can be bad for your creativity and all the good stuff. that worries me.

i know im rambling, but i'll keep going anyway....

yeah.. and on friday night (i firgot to say this up furthe rin the post), i said to himi "ive been so weird lately, doing strange stuff like.. i try to write and i start the word half way through, or i forget a letter and leave a space for it - literally just accidentally miss out the lettter - and stuff like that).

and now ive forgotton the entier point of this post i think, but it is mainly..


how do i bring this up to james? i dont nkow what to say initially. we have already discussed me going, because i told him i got a referral letter, then th enext day HE brought it up saying "do you want me to go with you when you see the dr". i said i thought it would be a good idea, i jsut dont nkow yet when i will go.

i dont know.... this is all very complicated.

How long will you have to wait to see the doctor? The wait times are really long where I live.

Make an appointment the casualy tell james when it is. Then say were you really serious about going with me?

You are gonna what if yourself into oblivion ..... What ifs will take care of themselves little by little hon.

Get the appointment then we will figure whatever else comes along as we go.

Remember you do this is for yourself not for anyone else!!!!!!

well then i have to figure whether or not i need to schedule it at a time that he can come - which means finding out when he could come. i wouldnt expect him to eg. not go to work, or miss out on classes, to go to the dr with me.

so its more complicated than it seems, really.

but youre right... i should just call and make the appointment. it just seems strange to say to him "ok, well im thinking of calling the dr.."

maybe. i dont know yet.

so i guess im not ready yet and i do need to talk to him before i call the dr.

Its times like this that I always find the best advice is to JUST DO IT!!!! do nothing else before you make this appt. and if you have to go by yourself its not big deal. My own testing included a blood test and answering a survey of questions that didn't vary much from what you will find at Bigsplace.com and that was it. Doc dx'd ADHD to start with, gave me another appt date to begin "talk therapy" which has helped me enourmously and said that if I ever feel the need to be medicated to let him know. Your dx is your first line of defense without it...your options are very and I do mean very limited.

JUST DO IT!!!!!!!
You can do it even if it means going by yourself, I have all the faith in the world.

p.s. Why don't you just call your bf and say "look I need to make my appt. were you still interested in going with me?" just don't put it off much longer or you will as ttj said "what if" yourself into oblivian.

yeah. now i just need to find the actual time to call this dr.

i ineed to do it at a time when mum is out. and if it costs too much, then i cant go. at least not yet.

i think i will just make the appt and then call him. partly because of the time-logistics, i will probably have the time to make the call before i see him (dont htink i will see him until friday..).

I know its scarry but you will soon find out that you had nothing to fear other then NOT making that phone call. Let me know if your bf can be there for you or not. I will try and be online the day of your appt. so that you can tell me all about it...good or bad.

i made the phone call. i asked a lot fo questions to the receptionist.

the dr is a psychiatrist.
he is an ADD specialist.
he's been doing it for 7 years.
appointment duration: 45 mins to an hour
cost: $240.00 (rebate of $126.00)
follow up appointment may be needed, on the basis of the outcome, eg
if medication is Rx'd, appointments every 3 - 6 months, costing $120, with $62 rebate.
bringing another person is not necessary.
bringing stuff not necessary, but school reports if i want to.

so this all seems ok.... the cost isnt too bad, especially if you think, its al most an hour im seeing, and it costs $52 to see a normal dr for 10 - 15 mins!

umm... yeah... but the first appointment isnt until 25th may, he has no time before then.
i didnt get to make an appt, because the receptionist was busy or something - maybe someone showed up or got anothe call. i have to call back later.

25th of May is a long long time to wait! thats over a month.

and it will be weekday, soi will probably have to get time off prac or soemthing to go there.... ergh.


I TOLD JAMES AND HE SEEMS RATHER APATHETIC AND CHANGED THE SUBJECT. ok... so i told him online, over msn, cause he showed up when i got off the phone. it would be ideal to discuss this in person, but i wanted to tell him right away.
only response i got was "ok", and a change of subject!

i'll try him again tomorrow, but its upsetting and discouraging that there's no reaction from him.

i just... i have noone! i need him to just say something like "oh good youre on the right track now" or something.. anything other than "ok, so then blah blah blah".

:(

i have a "spare" bank account, and i think i should put money in there for medical expenses eg. the first appointment. i was thinking "yeah ive got plenty of time to get teh money together" then i remember i dont know how much work i will be getting while im on prac.... i dont know if i iwll even get one shift (of 3 to 4 hours) per week, but im hoping i do... i need money right now!

so i'll have to start saving it now. it wont take much time if i do it now and just dont touch that money, then its there when i need it.

right... and if i save $240 for the appointment , after i get the rebate ($126 back) i will have money for other things i need eg i might need to pay for medication. i probably will have enough money there for medication and antoher appt, almost.

speaking of such..... how much does medication cost, if anyone knows. (when telling, also say how much of it you take, what it is, and what country you live in, and how much supply you get for that money)


another thing: if im offered a prescription, i dont know where i will keep the meidcation. essentially, i will have to HIDE IT from my mum. i guess i'll deal with that when it comes.

i have the exact same issue with where to store meds. Not ADhD meds at the moment though. Places thaqt are good are between your bed and matress when your at home and carry a bag around with you during the day and keep them in there. Dont stuff them in your wardrobe, too obvious, ofter hiding them in "plain sight" will work as long as no one gets suspicious that you have them, its a dangerous game to play though, a game i know well :/

shinobi:

THANKS so much for your response. yes mainly its to hide them at home, when im out eg on prac or at uni, i can just keep them in my bag. at home.. i dont know, under mattress seems a bit too hard, because i'd be lifting it up and it would be suspicious that somethign is up.

on another note, i looked at your profile, and we both live in western australia. do you live in perth? im in perth.

PM me maybe, do you have msn? i have msn and aim, but i dont like aim so i never sign in.


i'm going to call the office on thurs i didnt ask...

DOES THE DOCTOR HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ADULTS WITH ADHD? DOES HE EVEN TREAT ADULTS?

then i'll make an appt.

wow, go slow. first up, lifting matress is a pain. What i do is put them behind the matress. Make sense? proly not.like stuff them down the side, not under it. On another note, be very ****ing carefull carying botles of amphetamins round, specialy in WA coz the phet price here is sky high.

hmm.... "Phet" price? i dont nkow what that is. oh amphetamines. do you mean like... street? hahahaha

how much do they cost? what sort of a cost would i be expecting to pay, eg per month? (i know thats really a wide question, depends how much i take etc....)

and i probably would carry just a few with me, etc... eg if i needed to take them in the middle of the day.

speaking of, people must do that all the time: and there's a thread about it too somewhere, which i read.

i cant do that with my bed, but i will find a place... like in a backpack in my room or something. or i could make a false back in a drawer... cause i think she goes looking at times. its potential she could anyway.

wheter its a box or bottle will depend on how i hide them i guess.

well i was paying AU$30 for sigma pharmacutical (generic) dex. got 100 per month (i think it was 100) for that at the Amcal chemist.

Dexies have a street value of between AU$1 and AU$2 depending on the person selling. Quick math count at AU$1.50 means that my old montly script was worth AU$250. Thats why its not smart to cary a whole bottle round with you. I bin in WA 7 months and i know the whole score inside out, kind of pathetic realy.

a false bottom would be preferable to a false back, a false back means that a small false top would need to be produced and that causes issues because then its obvious part of the drawr is concield.

also remember the saying "he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing". The less shifty you act about it the less likely people are to become suspicious. You can hide them in plain sight as long as no one feals the need to look for them. On the other hand my parents are beyond needing reason. They always go through my bedroom looking for somthing they canude to nail me with. Even though there is never anything there to find :/

While I hate suggesting hiding your meds since its something you need to maintain a healthy body and mind I know your circumstances. I use poetry to maintain a healthy mind its a good, clean outlet for me to bear my soul and not hurt anyone's feelings, I have a small hole in the bottom of our closet that I hide my sheets of poetry in and its hidden by dresses I'm not about to ever wear again (they were a please your mother in law phase I will not admit to going thru).

As for James you mention often that he "acts" as though he is functioning but feel that maybe he isn't actually functioning at his full potential. Do you feel that there could be some fear on his part that if you reach your full potential you may not have such a great need for him any longer or he will become the needy partner in the relationship. When I started functioning at my full potential my husband started almost booby trapping everything I did and I could not figure out why he would want a broken wife? We finally figured out in therapy that he was afraid that if I could function without him I would realize I didn't need him any longer when in fact I do my best to function so that I can be there more for him. Ah who am I kidding I only think I understand the way his brain works...its male and a lot like trying to read another language.

yes cherity, i was thinking exactly this the other day.

the thing is, with a Dx and Rx, and everything else.. i would still need james! i wont ever stop needing him. maybe he doesnt nkow that.

anyway i have to go now, to get ready. im going out with him and his friend.

I would tell him then. Have a good time and don't do anything I did at your age.

Hugs