View Full Version : My name is Abi, and I'm an alcoholic


Abi
09-19-14, 06:51 AM
I used to bluff myself and say things like

"I am practically an alcoholic"

or

"I am a borderline alcoholic"

The truth is I cant go two days without drinking anywhere between 200 ml and 1+ L (7 - 40ish fl. oz for Amis) of hard liquor.

On days when I don't drink, I take opioids, overdose on benzos, or if all else fails OD on nonaddictive meds - anything from Tylenol to Benadryl to Haldol.

As my workload has increased, I am drinking more and more. I can't handle the anxiety without booze or opioids.

I am making myself sick on these things. A few days ago I went swimming (in the ocean) drunk and nearly drowned. I work out at the gym p!$$ed and feel like I want to throw up.

Once I've gone 24 - 36 hours without booze I become edgy and nonfunctional and go to the liquor store or bar or to procure opioids.

I'm going to get benadryl syrup with codeine now because it's the least evil thing I can think of because I am so sick of having so much alcoholic spirits.

Fuzzy12
09-19-14, 07:00 AM
(((((((((((((((ABI))))))))))))))))))

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

How about seeing your GP? In the UK, that would be your first point of contact for any addiction issues, I guess.

Please take care yourself. Just thinking of you drowning makes me cry but I can imagine that daily life isn't that much fun either.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

Abi
09-19-14, 07:11 AM
My GP dx'd me with Alcohol induced Fatty Liver Disease almost 2 years ago.

He said "stop drinking".

He recently moved to another town so I don't have an actual GP. I've seen one of his former partners once (for the flu or something stupid like that) but that guy is really an idiot, so I don't really have a PCP.

My shrink is a state shrink and a total idiot; I'm also afraid he'll take my (legally prescribed) benzos away if he knows.

someothertime
09-19-14, 07:16 AM
really, really grateful your here. excercise is a great aligner..... get there as much as poss....

funny thing, i started riding to look better for a girl... ha! but it did give me a passionate aim..... one that held me.

head up my friend, you'll recieve.

Pilgrim
09-19-14, 07:21 AM
Hey take care,

There must be a good solution. In Aussie there are some specialist facilities.
They are pretty good. Quite insightful. I think there are a lot of people in your situation.

Goodluck keep your head up.

sarahsweets
09-19-14, 07:31 AM
Welcome to the dark side.

daveddd
09-19-14, 08:15 AM
Feel you man

Opiates sure help

I'm trying naltrexone for emotional issues next month. It's also supposedly excellent for curbing addictive behaviors

stef
09-19-14, 08:24 AM
Abi, OMG...:grouphug:

peripatetic
09-19-14, 08:44 AM
I am so impressed with your courage to post this and the thought process behind coming to this point because I know it wasn't easy to do that amount of reflection. I don't know what the way to get healthy is that is going to work for you, but I'm certain there is one and I know I love you very much xx

TygerSan
09-19-14, 08:50 AM
It takes a lot of courage to sit down and realize that you have a problem and that that problem is not going away.

I know nothing about treatment options where you live, but at least in the States there are definitely alternatives to the 12-step programs.

CBT and similar therapies aren't without value in this regard, either. Some people like the group stuff because it reminds them they aren't going through stuff alone. Others hate the sharing in front of group, hand holdy, sometimes borderline cultish groups.

I haven't read this in a while, but here's what the APA (American Psychological Association) says about treatment options, of which 12 step programs are a mere one bullet point.

http://www.apa.org/divisions/div50/doc/Evidence_-_Based_Treatment_Practices_for_Substance_Use_Disor ders.pdf

Flory
09-19-14, 09:26 AM
My name if flory and I think you're awesome. But seriously, like everyone's said get in contact with or find a new pcp :)

Stevuke79
09-19-14, 10:35 AM
Big hugs bro!! :grouphug:

addthree
09-19-14, 11:04 AM
My parents are drunks and I was joining them at an early age. So I quit drinking all together. It helps that I hate drunks. Alcohol is by far the worst drug and because of social acceptability hard to quit.

pooka
09-19-14, 11:28 AM
:grouphug::grouphug:(((Abi))):grouphug::grouphug:

they say the first step is recognizing the problem. proud of you for getting that part out of the way and hoping things can start to get better from here <3

Lunacie
09-19-14, 11:36 AM
As my workload has increased, I am drinking more and more. I can't handle the anxiety without booze or opioids.

.

:yes: You took the first - BIG - step. You admitted you have a problem and need help.

What else have you tried to cope with the anxiety? Meds? Therapy? Meditation?

My problem is food - I tend to graze all day long.
Even though I'm taking an anti-depressant that has been very helpful with the anxiety,
I still snack too much. :umm1:

imnotkuku
09-19-14, 01:05 PM
Abi, I haven't been on the boards long enough to say "I know you" but I can say that I've read a LOT of posts and you're in nearly all of them, offering encouragement and support. You seem to have such a kind, genuine and loving heart. My heart goes out to you because I KNOW this isn't easy. I lost my grandfather to alcoholism 8 years ago..and just 2 years ago, my uncle committed suicide due to alcoholism and depression. I will keep you in my thoughts (I don't pray either) and will send you healing vibes through the air. I hope that you are able to find the peace, courage and help that you so much desire. Please look into state aided outpatient programs. I'm not sure what state you're in, but where I go to the Pdoc..they treat addictions as well. There are so many options..and if all else fails...do what was suggested by addthree, reach out to others who may be in the same place as you and start a secular AA program. AA/NA, though spiritually based, has some wonderful steps to guide in recovery, maybe revamping them to suit a non spiritual way. I wish you the best!! HUGS!

Unmanagable
09-19-14, 01:36 PM
Have I told you lately that I love you, abs? (((((Hugs))))

I like the idea of starting your own group. :)

When you feel the urge to drink, just think out loud, "Don't do it!"

Sending lots of healthy and loving vibes your way.

imnotkuku
09-19-14, 02:50 PM
I LOVE THIS!!

See Abi, you have SO much support here! I know you will get through this!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

sarek
09-19-14, 04:32 PM
Abi, you sir, are one outstanding man of great class. I am proud to know you and to have you as my friend.

Hathor
09-19-14, 07:34 PM
Hi Abi, I also encourage you to start your own group, but you may want to look at this for ideas, or you could steal their members for your own superior group

https://rational.org/index.php?id=1

Best wishes.

Greyhound1
09-19-14, 07:46 PM
Abi,

Congrats, you have already completed the first step by acknowledging your issues.
Stay strong and I wish you the best!

Abi
09-19-14, 08:54 PM
Thanks everyone for your friendship and support :grouphug:

Greyhound1
09-19-14, 10:35 PM
Abi, I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that it took Balz to post your thread!

I hope it helps you to grow your motivation for change and can help support you through it. Keep us posted.

Laserbeak
09-20-14, 04:35 AM
You forgot "I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink like an Irish person." I can say that because I am mostly Scots-Irish.

Little Missy
09-20-14, 04:58 AM
Ugh. I remember the day well as I awoke musing to myself, "Oh my, this is not very pretty."

Laserbeak
09-20-14, 05:32 AM
Like I told you privately, get a nice big bottle of Librium/chlordiazepoxide. You may want to discontinue Klonopin since it's redundant.

It works best for alcohol withdrawal since it is the longest-acting benzodiazepine known. It can survive many passes through the liver and just gets converted into other types of active benzodiazepines.

Little Missy
09-20-14, 05:46 AM
Like I told you privately, get a nice big bottle of Librium/chlordiazepoxide. You may want to discontinue Klonopin since it's redundant.

It works best for alcohol withdrawal since it is the longest-acting benzodiazepine known. It can survive many passes through the liver and just gets converted into other types of active benzodiazepines.


:goodpost: Yup. Do it. The stuff is magical for laying down things you want to be done with.

daveddd
09-20-14, 08:44 AM
Ugh. I remember the day well as I awoke musing to myself, "Oh my, this is not very pretty."

yea , for me i was still up, trying to get a hold of the coke dealer

7 years ago

you can do it abi

Little Missy
09-20-14, 08:49 AM
yea , for me i was still up, trying to get a hold of the coke dealer

7 years ago

you can do it abi

Yep. You CAN do it abi.

Abi
09-20-14, 03:10 PM
Cravings for Vodka.

Keeping them at bay with Benadryl/Codeine syrup :(

Abi
09-20-14, 04:49 PM
Moderator Note

The Addictiveness of Cocaine Debate has been moved to its own thread here (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=165574).

daveddd
09-20-14, 04:51 PM
Cravings for Vodka.

Keeping them at bay with Benadryl/Codeine syrup :(

is codeine an over the counter product there?

Abi
09-20-14, 04:53 PM
In some forms.

BellaVita
09-23-14, 01:35 AM
I love you <3

carter4
09-23-14, 05:01 AM
Defenetly get some help... drugs/alcohol in excess has never worked for anyone. It is a temporary solution that in the long run makes you problems worse then before.

Abi
09-23-14, 07:11 AM
Moderator Note

I removed my reference to the religious nature of AA type programs in my original post and edited or removed all responses in that vein, so as to keep us within the "No religious discussions" guidelines.

Please avoid future religious commentary.

Thank you :)

DichotOhMy
09-25-14, 04:53 PM
Probably ever addict knows that using in excess makes his or her problems worse, but on the other hand, probably every addict has a fundamental problem, or problems, that makes him or her use in the first place.

This isn't a popular opinion, but I think if one isn't able to confront and/or solve the things that make one use in the first place, quitting is a fools errand and you might just be better off using. Relapse is inevitable unless you tackle your fundamental reasons for using, and serenity will forever remain a million miles away, even if you can manage some sober time.

Andi
09-25-14, 09:33 PM
I'm so proud of you :) Over the years I have seen you grow and make great strides. Great step, wonderful support and all the encouragement in the world. You are beloved and starting your own group is a wonderful idea.

Small steps, sir. Unfortunately starting another addiction to get over another is just as hard to kick. I wish you much luck and I wholeheartedly believe that you can do it.

Dizfriz
09-26-14, 10:14 AM
Hang in there guy. It is not easy. I know because I have several friends who have struggled successfully with alcoholism and I know how hard it is.

One friend who has been dry for over 20 years told me that he struggles with every single day but he struggles successfully.

It taint gonna be easy and I don't want to pretend that it will be but it is doable and I think you have the strength of character do make it happen.

So keep plugging, you will get there and get there successfully. You may not believe me all that much now but you will believe me a whole lot more later.

Dizfriz

HADDaball
09-26-14, 07:02 PM
You're doing a good thing Abi. Good to see.

One thing. Have you heard of the anti-addiction drug contrave? It may help.

Carolints
09-30-14, 01:52 AM
hi! :grouphug: please take care yourself! :grouphug::grouphug:

amberwillow
09-30-14, 03:40 AM
May you get up every time you fall. My distant friend, I love you.

midnightstar
09-30-14, 05:48 AM
You can do it Abi, we're all here for you, you're the best :grouphug:

Abi
11-10-14, 04:52 PM
Ive been drinking heavily.

On Saurday I found myself so smashed and partying with some unsavoury people I met.

Today I have been drinking vodka at home.

Sarek says I should check into rehab.

BellaVita
11-10-14, 04:56 PM
Ive been drinking heavily.

On Saurday I found myself so smashed and partying with some unsavoury people I met.

Today I have been drinking vodka at home.

Sarek says I should check into rehab.

Maybe you should.

I love you and don't want to see you get hurt.

:grouphug:

midnightstar
11-10-14, 05:03 PM
We love the Abitastic :grouphug:

If you need to go into rehab please do :grouphug:

Little Missy
11-10-14, 05:07 PM
Ive been drinking heavily.

On Saurday I found myself so smashed and partying with some unsavoury people I met.

Today I have been drinking vodka at home.

Sarek says I should check into rehab.


You never know, it might not be so bad. They usually give people with alcohol problems Librium while in re-hab. Maybe it would be a good thing to do. :)

sarek
11-10-14, 05:15 PM
Yes, my friend. You need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

Little Missy
11-10-14, 05:19 PM
The "unsavoury people" part is not good, Abi.:( Many of us have been there.

I sound like my mum.

midnightstar
11-10-14, 05:22 PM
I'm sure everyone here will give you as much help as a forum can to help you as well Abi :grouphug:

stef
11-10-14, 05:32 PM
Take care of yourself :grouphug:

Lunacie
11-10-14, 07:04 PM
If you really want to quit drinking, go to rehab.

I hope you do (want to quit, and go to rehab).

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-hug005.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

peripatetic
11-10-14, 07:49 PM
i think rehab couldn't hurt and could quite likely help SO much. it could even save your life. i do hope you seriously consider and avail yourself of the option.

much love, my friend. thinking of and supporting you, whatever you decide xx

dvdnvwls
11-11-14, 03:34 AM
Abi, you are a truly intelligent and practical person - just the sort who I would expect to derive a real and lasting benefit from rehab.

Unmanagable
11-11-14, 04:11 AM
Wishing you a s*** load of strength to do whatever it takes to help you feel loved and nurtured into a meaningful and healing space.

I remember (vaguely) many nights with unsavory characters, not knowing how I got there or if I'd ever get away.

I vote rehab. I bet you'll own the place before you're done, or at least have your own wing named after ya'. ;)

((((Hugs)))) and BIG love,
nature mama ;)

Batman55
11-12-14, 12:20 AM
And now the tough love approach, hope you don't mind..

Just today I heard that a friend of a friend, who is only 24 years old, is dealing with a (likely) alcoholic ulcer because of his heavy drinking. It's causing him a lot of unpleasant gastric issues. He's been drinking virtually every day for years on end now, including beer during the day, and going to the bar at night.

I can only wonder what he'll do if the doctor says he needs to quit drinking, he may have to change his lifestyle drastically.. the last thing he'd want to do, probably.

Just a head's up, and I hope this doesn't come across as rude. I used to have an alcohol problem myself, btw!

Abi
01-10-15, 12:32 PM
23 days sober today

finallyfound10
01-10-15, 12:39 PM
23 days sober today

:yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes: :yes::yes::yes::yes:


Congratulations!!!!!

Lunacie
01-10-15, 12:40 PM
It's an odd number ... but a great number! :yes: :D

dvdnvwls
01-10-15, 02:42 PM
23 days sober today

Congratulations, and thanks for the update.

namazu
01-10-15, 02:57 PM
:yes:


Happy circle dance:
:grouphug:



Swing your signpost 'round and 'round:
:thankyou:

Thrilled for you. Keep up the good work!

Unmanagable
01-10-15, 03:02 PM
Twenty-three is a very special number to me. 'Twas the day I married and my nephew's born day. Glad it's even more special now. :) Happy for you, abs! ((((Hugs))))

noradd
01-10-15, 03:12 PM
Good luck Abi.
Since you're taking benzos how does this work with drinking alcohol? Isn't this dangerous?

I also wonder can you be an alcoholic without tolerating much alcohol or without increasing the dosage? I've been drinking alc before bed daily for years now. Without alc I can't fall asleep and I also like the feeling I get from 1 beer or 1-2 glasses of wine. But if I drink more I feel sick so I don't really tolerate much alcohol which is good. I wish I would get a buzz from even less alcohol. I just like the buzz. I love lying in bed and then having this feeling in the head. I wish there was a replacement drug for this. I doubt that sleeping pills are comparable.
But I also wonder how unhealthy daily alc before bed is. It probably interferes with sleep quality.
It would be great if there were ways to increase sensitivity to alcohol so that I could get the same buzz without having to drink the amount of beer or wine which I need.

Rebelyell
01-10-15, 09:19 PM
That is extremely dangerous as it intensifies alcohols affects alot of people have died from alcohol and barbiturate ods

Abi
02-18-15, 04:23 AM
I slipped again.

Just a few light cocktails.

The truth is nothing* makes me feel better than alcohol.....

Fuzzy12
02-18-15, 04:57 AM
Wow @23 days. That's amazing. Don't let a few cocktails worry you too much. :grouphug:

Abi
02-18-15, 05:01 AM
I actually made it to 30+ before I slipped

sarek
02-18-15, 06:37 AM
You are still doing wonderfully. Keep working on this.

dvdnvwls
02-18-15, 02:42 PM
I slipped again.

Just a few light cocktails.

Don't let that throw you off track - you're still able to do this.

The truth is nothing* makes me feel better than alcohol.....

Then I'll buy you 2 dozen cases of Nothing. :)

Seriously, of course alcohol makes a lot of people feel good right after they drink it, otherwise no one would bother. But the good effect doesn't last long at all, and the side effects are far too much. If alcohol had never been heard of and then Pfizer discovered it and tried to market it, it would be rejected pretty quickly.

midnightstar
02-18-15, 04:07 PM
You can do it FAbiulous :grouphug:

Hathor
02-18-15, 08:48 PM
I slipped again.

Just a few light cocktails.

The truth is nothing* makes me feel better than alcohol.....

sorry to say you may feel good but you look like crap.

:confused: http://easycaptures.com/fs/uploaded/749/2379827442.jpg :)

Anyhow congrats on the 30 plus, if you get back on the wagon would you consider bumping your workout thread, or am I just getting overwelming here?

I was doing good, but now it is all winegums and icecream and no Gym, so now I am for to be to make me back to looking like something out of an old folks home shower scene :(

BellaVita
02-18-15, 09:32 PM
Awww that's okay Abi you've got this :)

finallyfound10
02-19-15, 10:46 AM
A site that is helpful in recovery is Sober Recovery. I go to the Adult Children of Alcoholics section and meet lots of ADHDers there! I tell them about this place so now I'm telling you about them!

kittyb21
02-19-15, 03:47 PM
Hi Abi,

Thanks for sharing, it took alot of courage.

I self medicated for years, from age 14 till I had my first child at, 25.

Was I an addict, probably yes... I drank or did drugs pretty much every day in that 11 years.

Basically getting kids stopped me, pretty much, I relapsed to booze when my son was 18 months old for about a year. I then got pregnant again.

My level of responsibility to them I feel is huge and I was disgusted with myself when I was drinking alot when I had a child.

Its a tough habit to break and if I can do it, I'm pretty sure you will find a way too.

Much love xxx

InvitroCanibal
02-20-15, 12:23 PM
Anti seizure meds are known to help with alcohol withdrawl, such as dilotin (not sure how it is spelled).

It's not something that can be abused like gabapentin so asking your doc for this and telling him why shouldn't be a problem.

sarahsweets
02-21-15, 06:19 AM
Oh Abi! You know we understand each other addictions. I can speak from experience that alcohol is hard to kick whether or not you have a physical addiction. You know how much I struggled and how many conversations we've had while one or both of us was under the influence. Dont beat yourself up over this. When you get sick and tired of drinking, then you will try and stop or atleast get help stopping.