Hey there,
I need your advice on how much ADD influences relationships, let me first tell you my story:
I am from Germany, 24 years old, I met my boyfriend in New York just shortly before I was leaving the US for Germany again.That was in summer 2003.We were only dating for 3 months before I left but he already introduced me to his family who live 3 and 6 hours upstate.

Within that short time of dating we got really close and saw the potential for a relationship. So I came back for Christmas in December 2003 to see if we are ready to keep seeing each other.Ever since then we have been doing this long distance thing, committed and with the agreement of not seeing any other people.
We could only see each other every 3 months for 10 weeks, whenever we were separated, we both feel the pain of great loss and emptyness.
That has always been emotionally very difficult for us to deal with,very painful

The problem whenever I was visiting was that I never had my own place in New York, so I was staying at his place, which was not the ideal living situation for us and sometimes was a problem as we were too close physically. We both see that this inconvenience hasn't affected our relationship, it was just an inconvenience that we both agreed upon so we could see each other.Same thing when he visited me in Germnay, of course he stayed with me, in my place cause paying for a hotel for 2 months is not affordable.

It is our wish to have me stay in NY, having my own papartment, my own life so we can have a healthy relationship and figure out if we can even imagine staying together for a long term thing.Marriage has also been a topic we considered to get back togeher but that's actually not what he wants and he would rather wait and figure out other ways to be with me.

Just 3 weeks ago, when he visited me in Germany,he told me that our relationship hurts him so much and that he has a hard time being without me for so long.He told me that "we cannot go on like this" because our relationship,due to the difficult circumstances, hurt him too much.
Since there seems no way to get back together, he was suggesting to make our relationship not as committed.

We talked and cried a lot when talking about it, he told me that he can imagine me being the mother of his children and that he loves me and he tried to find distraction form me, so he wouldn't miss me as much and be depressed about it but that didn't work.

He told me if I can find a way to stay in New York, we keep being boyfriend and girldfriend dating and having a healthy relationship.

So we talked about our situation,since it's not easy for me to get a visa, cause I don't have the money, we had this spontaneous idea of getting married in Denmark, which would enable me to follow him to NY after only 3 months. For 2 days I requested info about the process and he even told his mother about it (and also because he needed to get his birth certificate from her)

But 2 days after he said that he couldn't do it cause we shouldn't force things and that we should find other ways to get back together.

One chance is that I might, probably, with a chance of 50-50, get a student visa, cause I have somebody in th US who wants to help me financially but even with a financial supporter, it is not guaranteed that I will get the visa
cause I need to prove that I will return to Germany, they call it "binding ties"
which are proves of employment, internship positions, banc accounts,rental agreements for apartments etc, strong family relationships..

Problem is I can only prove that by the time return I will have a place to stay and an internship waiting for me, I do not have good family relationships and the people who are my financial supporters in the US are not family members but friends, so that kinda sounds suspicious..
I am very, very scared that I don't get the visa


There is nothing else my boyfriend and I want than being together and having a helathy relationship.He is very scared though, hie relationships to women have always been troubled and difficult relationships.Probably his relationship to his mom could be a reason for that cause she always gave him the feeling to be the unwanted child.

I can imagine that having to deal with deoressions (and anxieties when he was younger) he first has to focus on his own well being before he can do the effort to work on a relationship which seems to have no chance.

Before he left he said that we are still boyfried and girlfriend, even though he said that he can no longer be committed. He said that he will think about Denmark and that we are going totalk about in summer when I visit.

Now since you have some info abotu our situation, I need to know how much ADD could be a factor in our relatioship, meaning that he cannot deal with difficult relationships like ours,

I saw that he slepps long, likes to stay in bed when he is bored, when he si depressed, he doesn't even like me trying him to encourage going outside seeing the sights of Berlin. I have the impression that depressions are a part of his life and that security is an important factor for him but sometimes I wonder why he does so little effort to help me solve the rpoble of being separated.

Please give me advice on how ADD affect relationships, I need to know to understand why he is not willing to deal with the difficulties of our relationship, although he says that we caould be a happy couple.

Thanks so much for your patience
Janina

Welcome to the forums Janina. I hope you find the support and information you're looking for here.

I think we have visited all kinds of relationship problems/situations in this section and it seems to boil down to the kind of people who are involved. ADD is only one facet of our personality, only one influence on who we are.

Depression and lack of motivation are certainly co-morbid conditions of ADD. You didn't mention if he was on medication, in therapy, or getting other support for his mental challenges. It's very nice having people around us who love us and support us, but they need to know that they can't fix or cure us. You certainly can influence him and encourage him, but getting up and moving is really up to him.

I don't think I'm understanding his reasoning. He wants to be with you, live with you, have children with you (though he's a bit altar shy) but since he can't, and it hurts him to be so far away, he believes it would all hurt less if he sees other people. :confused:

Is indecision and cold feet part of ADD? He may feel overwhelmed and overloaded with emotions and trying to figure out the best thing to do for everyone. ADD could definitely be making that more challenging.

Cold feet is probably just him. He's not ready. No character defect there. I guess he figures that if he's not ready for marriage and you're so far away, you both should see other people rather than go nuts trying to have a long-distance relationship.

Do you have any other reason to be in America other than him? If you were able to come here but things didn't work out with him down the road, will you regret the process and the trouble you went to? Your individual dreams are still important here along with the dreams you share for each other. Are they compatible? If you had to give up one of your dreams for him and a marriage, how would you feel? Is he worth it?

You may have already asked these things. It's just that your question isn't as simple as "one of the symptoms of ADD is confusion over relationships and the inability to commit". Each of us gets confused but different things confuse some of us more than others. Relationships are interesting for us, if we go by our most recent poll we do keep a small circle around us, and relationships can really try the patience of our significant other, especially if they are not ADD.

I know there is a book about Romance and Intimacy with ADD. And the basics of ADD are listed in the General ADD forums. Familiarizing yourself with that can help, seeing the world from his perspective. There is a section for Non-ADD Partner support which may be very comforting to you to know you're not alone.

I hope others will respond and give you their unique perspective. If you have any trouble finding things in the forums (like the ones I suggested) please feel free to pm me.

Moving for a maybe is a huge step, ADD or not.

My ADD friend did tell me that he would not consider a long distance committed relationship, that the woman had to be where he was (or vice versa). I think it had to do a lot with him being very lonely and wanting companionship.

But living with a person long term with ADD does have its challenges and they are not to be waved off with a blanket of love. You really need skills and dedication and effort.
I'd recommend you do your homework as suggested above and try to find out as much as possible.

If you move there, move there cuz its in your plans for yourself.

You are making more of a commitment than he is and that is always a risky situation.

So think all through and try not to be overwhelmed with love.

(this from someone who has avoided and run from every marriage proposal ever)

Hey there, thanks so much for your advice,
yes, he does take medication and he is a complete different person when he forgets to take his pill. he is,as he also says,unable to function, unable to follow and understand simple interactions. yes, i guess the pills helphim have a "normal"lige, I know that he still sufffers from depressions once in a while and that our relationship has been the main reason for that.since we have been together,the depressions he hasare mainly focused on us not being able to be together,
it took me a while that I am not the personal reason but rather the circumstances. I know also that he does see a therapist, not regularly but he told me that he wants to see her more often.

I have some news to tell you: I called him a few days ago, after realizing how much pressure I am imposing on him with my wish of getting maried to him, so I told him that he doesn't need to think about it anymore cause with my wish to get married, I don't want to be a "threatening," pressure imposing factor in his life and that I am sorry for trying him to rush into things.
He sounded very reliefed about my decision and thinking about it now, makes me know that that way I can keep his trust.

Later he told me that him wanting to date other women has to do with being distracted from me, whenever he thinks of me, he is always reminded of the bad circumstances we have and thatmakes him feel so bad that he cannot focus on his own life anymore.

He literally said "That he cannot do this anymore" he told me also that he loves me so much that he can imagine me being the mother of his children !
But since the circumstances hurt him so much and even have a destroying effect on his life he said that being distracted from me is what he needs to do now, in order to go on with his life.
(he is a starving artist, doing labor work, considering going back to school, maybe even in europe to learn a new language cause he wants to be curator)

He even said that he is not afraid to forget me, he thinks it is possible for us to get back together when circumstances will be better, he belives it is possible for us to get back together after having figured out what to do in his life.
Of course it is not possible to predict whether both of us will be "available" but he sees the chance that later,after I finished school, after he figred out what to do in his life it should be easier for us to find a way to get back together.

But I am soooo scared to lose him oto a girl who is just as understanding, just as anything BUT lives around the corner, cause this is what he is looking for.
This relationship has also caused me to consider getting "professional" help,but I am willing to fight and it hurts me so much that he is not ready/willing (?) to do any effort.

Me wanting to stay with him in NY is also my wish, I wouldn't really have to make sacrifices since working in NY would be only benefitioal for the career I am pursueing (journalist)

Thanks again for your support, I feel I really need to talk to you

I'm not happy to hear this Janina, cuz it sounds like a bunch of lines from any average guy who doesn't want to be involved.

Maybe it always sounds the same and the just the root is different.

Basically, it looks to me like he has said: Committing to you is too scarey, and I don't want any actual commitment on my part. However, if you are willing to move yourself lock stock and barrel over here and be my neighbour things may be different. Possibly.

"But I love you so much and it hurts so bad, the only way to ease the pain is to find some other girlfriends." What is that? What about getting involved in his work? Finding a new project?

I'm sorry, but thats unacceptable from any guy (or woman for that matter) for you to continue with this relationship or put yourself out any further, even if he feels he is being honest.

If anyone else can say anything more positive, please do so, but I guess I'm old enough to have heard enough to want to close the door on this fast.

Janina you seem like a wonderful young woman, and you are very loving and generous but my earnest advice for you is not to pine after this guy. Let him sort his stuff out, if he can, but I'm saying: don't wait, and continue with your life as you want it on your own. He is definitely not waiting for you.

Please keep talking if you like because I always feel that helps, and let us know what you decide.

Good Luck

CS

Sadly, my impression was the same as crime_scene. Look out for you. And you are always welcome here.