View Full Version : Dropping out/ Failing - help please


yellowflowers
10-05-14, 06:25 PM
Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how to phrase it but I need some support right now maybe is the only way.

I'm 3 years into a 4 year degree. And I'm at the edge of either dropping out or failing.

I don't know if I can pull through, and I don't know if I should keep trying to. The last 3 years have been pretty bad. If things were different I would have quit long ago. Other people would probably say "it's just a course", "it's not worth it" etc. But please I'm hoping someone on here will understand how trapped I feel, and how it's not at easy as 'quit'.

I don't know how to explain. There is the practical stuff, like having moved country for this course, the fact that this course is funded by my job - and both would end if I quit/ fail. A hefty load of personal **** ... relationships I sacrificed to do this, intense family complications and expectations, the
unreal emotional entanglement I've got with achieving this degree (which also playes a part in how I self-sabotage my chances of achieving it). It's not just a course to me, it's laden with endless stuff...and leaving/failing is going to have an emotional fall out I'm scared I won't get over.

If I could pull through, it's only a year more. loosing this, my flat, 3 years I've sacrificed even health to ( the stress has taken a horrible physical toll). At the same time, I know loss well now these days ( bereavement). And I'd survive.

I can't work night and day any longer. I am actively shortening my life span. That probably sounds stupid, but I know it's true. My body is in a state and has been for a long time.

I'm tired of apologising for 'not good enough'. I've nothing to apologise for any more.

I wish I could emotionally untangle from this course and job. So it became a task, like painting a fence. And I didn't give a **** about the fence or the people who asked me to paint it. I'd just paint the damn thing and if it stunk well I'd given it a go but it meant nothing much to me either way.

I'm not sure I'm even making sense. ( nothing new for me :o)

Yeh I just need support xxxx

finallyfound10
10-05-14, 11:13 PM
I understand where you are coming from in a way. I did fail at my first try at nursing school and the emotional toll on me was high. Too high. I went to a different one and graduated but the damage was done.

and leaving/failing is going to have an emotional fall out I'm scared I won't get over.

The fact that you realize this is good. You then have options and choices based upon that possibility. I didn't have a clue that I was going to have an emotional breakdown that I'm still not recovered from and has done lasting damage.

Could you cut back on the school or the work to give yourself some space? Perhaps talking to a therapist or counselor just to help you get through this next year? Are you taking meds? That may help to take the edge off a bit.

Good luck! Keep us posted!!!!

dvdnvwls
10-06-14, 01:42 AM
Your chance for success is probably a lot higher than you think right now, because you're in a discouraged state of mind. Don't lose sight of the fact that passing is all that counts - doing better than that is nice, but you can do fine without it.

Don't allow the work you've already put in to count for anything in your decision - doing so is always a mistake. Avoiding that mental trap can sometimes make it much easier to decide.

If you hadn't been in school at all over the past 3 years, and out of the blue you were offered just the part of school you haven't finished yet as a 1-year deal leading to graduation, would you sign up for that? Sure, it's still a hard question, but it's easier than before.

yellowflowers
10-06-14, 07:18 AM
The fact that you realize this is good. You then have options and choices based upon that possibility. I didn't have a clue that I was going to have an emotional breakdown that I'm still not recovered from and has done lasting damage.

Hi FinallyFound,

Thanks so much for your reply X can you tell me a bit more about what happened/ what you went through after nursing school went wrong the first time? It sounds like you have been through a lot XXX looking back, is there anything you would have done differently? Anything that would have helped?

Congrats on graduating at the 2nd school - that was a huge feat after all that u went through

yellowflowers
10-06-14, 07:36 AM
If you hadn't been in school at all over the past 3 years, and out of the blue you were offered just the part of school you haven't finished yet as a 1-year deal leading to graduation, would you sign up for that? Sure, it's still a hard question, but it's easier than before.

Hi Dvdnvwls,

Thanks so much X that is a different way of looking at it - as if it was a 1 year deal - I would have expected my brain to say "no way, not doing it" - but it sort of gives me space to breathe, like as if it could be a fresh start not laden with my constant failure and embarrassment and letting ppl down that has been the last 3 years of this course.

It made me think how much shame is a part of this. Shame and anger. I feel HUMILIATED.

All the deadlines I've missed, all the people who I made extra work for (by not getting something done or messing something up). One supervisor who I just plain never got back to after he'd helped me with some assignment. I want to hide in shame, run away from these people, does that make sense?

If I could face up to some of that. Stop feeling so guilty and ashamed. Get in touch with a few ppl who I feel I let down. Make peace with a few ppl as such I guess instead of hiding.

And there is the anger. The constant threatening me with failure if I don't clean up my act and work harder. That's no way to motivate a person. I don't know how to get over that. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Keep telling someone now their performance is ****, and well.....it kinda gets more ****.

I have a morbid fear of research. Some part of me has decided that I CANNOT do it. That I am NOT CAPABLE.

I really struggle with asking people for support/ help. There are a few others I know (as acquaintances) on this course - in the year bellow me, who work in the same place as me. And I'm too ashamed to ask for help. It feels like another complication I can't cope with - if someone helps me how do I pay them back? I don't know how that works. And what if they judge me - everyone doing this course pretends they are so competent. It's competitive that way.

It's hard to face people when I feel so ashamed of past mistakes, like to continue working with supervisor, my boss etc.

yellowflowers
10-06-14, 07:41 AM
The other thing that has happened is the more I've messed up, the more scrutiny I'm placed under. So that things others do - and it's not noticed/ not a problem, I get in trouble for.

someothertime
10-06-14, 08:11 AM
Hey there... being in this situation of late... the only real thing that helped is trying to think practically and talking to someone connected yet compassionate within the study place...

Hope things clarify a little for you soon.

yellowflowers
10-06-14, 09:38 AM
Hi Someothertime,

Thanks for your message - did u decide to keep trying on your course? Your right about speaking to others who might understand X it was really scary but I spoke to the head of my course today. I'm still scared as I know it sort of feeds into their concerns that I can't do this :( but it also helped, to say "I'm not sure I can keep going on this course".

I know he will speak to other people - information sharing and all of that. But I don't think they can make any decisions without me. I haven't failed yet. (Well I get all D's and one fail which I was aloud resubmit and passes with another D. I'm not aloud any second chances after that one resubmission though - fail anything again and I'm gone).

He spoke through a couple of options with me. Which really helped because I felt like there were none. I might be able to leave with some sort of diploma type grade .... I didn't know that could be a possibility.

The thing I'm really considering doing is taking a few weeks off, maybe a month. I feel really guilty about considering applying for that though - as I've done this twice already on this course. And it will **** them off. And it will have more of that sense of failure attached to it.

Thank you so much guys :thankyou: it's helped so much to share what's been going on - it's so less dark when said out loud than just inside my head. I've been crying every night in bed for days now and it's seemed like I'm the totally alone. But I'm not, yeh I'm isolated, but I do have this forum and couple of people.

I don't know what's going to happen and I'm very scared, but my world isn't ending, I'm not going to die (I know that sounds stupid but I can feel like I can't carry on living sometimes).

I've a lot of work to do and a lot of tough decisions to make but I'm going to survive this.

XXXX

dvdnvwls
10-06-14, 04:18 PM
From the instructor's point of view, there's no shame in what you've done. If they care about you, then they've been scratching their heads wondering why you haven't come for help yet; if they don't care about you much, then they've completely forgotten about you - but there's no harm in reminding them. :)

The good ones will help you a lot. The bad ones might not help you much, but oh well, it's worth a try. Only the really evil people would ever make things worse for you. You'll know if any instructor has a reputation for being evil and nasty - don't go to that person for help unless you must - but nasty instructors are unusual, and they tend to get fired, so there might not even be any of them.

Jenn1202
10-08-14, 01:31 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was a master's student I felt like I wanted to drop out every single night for the first year or so, it was horrible. I had to work really hard, pulling lots of all-nighters and stuff. I took as few classes as I possibly could and was still barely getting by. I would cry myself to sleep most nights because it was so hard and frustrating.

During my second year things got easier because I took easier classes and got lots of help from friends, TAs and instructors. Since the classes I was taking were much easier and more manageable, I was able to get my grades up and balance my life.

I would strongly recommend taking the easiest and most interesting classes that you can take. Some classes require very little work and some instructors like to give everyone an A. I would ask around to see which classes are easiest and require the least amount of work.

Asking for help is often crucial, I wouldn't have made it through school without getting help from others. Working with other people on assignments (as long as collaboration is allowed) can really help you learn the material and get better grades on assignments. There's no harm in going to office hours, asking the TAs for help and/or getting a tutor. If someone helps you there's usually something else you can help them with. Some people just like to help and don't expect anything back other than a simple "thank you" (also, helping others often helps people understand the material better so it benefits you and them). During office hours people often work in groups and help each other out. In addition, you can always email a TA or an instructor or ask them questions during office hours. Asking questions, turning in all the assignments (they don't have to be fully done, showing that you tried is often sufficient) and showing up to office hours will often make them realize that you're trying and they may bump up your final grade (from experience).

Since you have ADHD and dyslexia, you may be eligible for academic accommodations (which can make schoolwork and exams more manageable).

Lizzie80
10-13-14, 03:13 AM
Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how to phrase it but I need some support right now maybe is the only way.

I'm 3 years into a 4 year degree. And I'm at the edge of either dropping out or failing.

I don't know if I can pull through, and I don't know if I should keep trying to. The last 3 years have been pretty bad. If things were different I would have quit long ago. Other people would probably say "it's just a course", "it's not worth it" etc. But please I'm hoping someone on here will understand how trapped I feel, and how it's not at easy as 'quit'.

I don't know how to explain. There is the practical stuff, like having moved country for this course, the fact that this course is funded by my job - and both would end if I quit/ fail. A hefty load of personal **** ... relationships I sacrificed to do this, intense family complications and expectations, the
unreal emotional entanglement I've got with achieving this degree (which also playes a part in how I self-sabotage my chances of achieving it). It's not just a course to me, it's laden with endless stuff...and leaving/failing is going to have an emotional fall out I'm scared I won't get over.

If I could pull through, it's only a year more. loosing this, my flat, 3 years I've sacrificed even health to ( the stress has taken a horrible physical toll). At the same time, I know loss well now these days ( bereavement). And I'd survive.

I can't work night and day any longer. I am actively shortening my life span. That probably sounds stupid, but I know it's true. My body is in a state and has been for a long time.

I'm tired of apologising for 'not good enough'. I've nothing to apologise for any more.

I wish I could emotionally untangle from this course and job. So it became a task, like painting a fence. And I didn't give a **** about the fence or the people who asked me to paint it. I'd just paint the damn thing and if it stunk well I'd given it a go but it meant nothing much to me either way.

I'm not sure I'm even making sense. ( nothing new for me :o)

Yeh I just need support xxxx

I have no words of wisdom (I'm kind of in the same boat right now), but I send a big :grouphug: to you.

If you'd ever like to talk (to vent!), please feel free to PM me. :)

unfocussed
10-19-14, 10:31 PM
I just wanted to share as I have totally been in this situation for most of my adult life. I have been trying to complete my degree since 2007 and was only diagnosed with ADD/I and aspergers in April this year.

I have felt so humiliated and guilty for letting people down that I am at my 3rd university still attempting to complete the same degree.

I can't just quit because of my emotional attachment to it, it is the only thing I have ever wanted to do and I can't see myself doing anything else. but when it comes to studying and retaining the information I need to pass I really struggle.

I am unsure if any of this will do anything to help you to feel better and know your not the only one in the situation, but I just wanted you to know that your not.:)

rajdeepi
10-20-14, 09:05 AM
Hi Unfocussed,

I am still trying to do my degree as well. I am struggling with ADHD. We are in the same boat. If you would like to support one another I'd love to Skype. (PM me for the contact info.)

take care

someothertime
10-21-14, 01:37 AM
Hey yellow!

I am so glad that you got the weight off your shoulders and spoke to someone and they listened....

Me..... well i've found a lovely person to help with some tasks though on the other side i have a moslty amazing teacher who doesn't validate my questions and accuses me of not doing work ( unflexible / narrow / misunderstood )

I continue to clarify and move forward with practical solutions and clarifications though it is a constant juggling act for me to stay on task whilst offsetting the harsh treatment and jumbles in the classroom.

So... yeah..... I and many others here can really feel your struggles and are with you in seeking practical understandings, clarity and pleasant pathways.....


Peace.