View Full Version : Ever feel worthless? How to make it stop? :(


psychopathetic
10-19-14, 11:43 PM
I keep typing long posts and deleting them. Been here I think for over an hour typing.
I don't know what to say :(...don't know what I'm looking for with this post.
Sympathy? Understanding?
I really don't know.

I'm just frustrated. I keep getting hit by waves of sadness and depression. Been hitting me for months.
I haven't worked in years...got a dream job this summer...quit within a week.
And it's been eating at me for the last 3 months. I try to push it down, I try to ignore it...to find things to numb me. But the damn emotions...they keep hitting me. The damn self-hatred, it keeps knocking me down...the deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness...keep choking me.

I can't seem to escape it and I don't know what to do.
I do fine...I find happiness again and contentment. Then I'm hit with another wave of the emotions...it's like no matter how hard I run I can't escape the damn waves.
And I'm afraid I'm going to break.

And I'm not sure anyone can help me. Every time I plan on making an appointment with my therapist...it's during the times where I'm okay, and I feel like I have no reason to see her 1 on 1.
Besides...I don't think she can even help. What am I going to do? Talk to her? What's that going to solve? If I need someone to talk to, I have people online I can pm...or this forum.

I don't know guys :(.
Sometimes it's anger...almost a rage...at myself for being so stupid for quitting my job.
Sometimes it's feeling so worthless.
Sometimes it's a realization that this world would be better off without me.
It's always something.
Today it's feeling like sh*t for not doing anything productive with myself. For seeing how hard everyone else has to work for their living...and here I am, being a lazy piece of **** who doesn't have to work hard to making ends meet. I just hate me sometimes you know?
...

Bah yet another f'ing long post. I'm tired of deleting them though. I guess what I wanted was just to vent I guess.
I keep finding myself here. Throwing a pitty party for myself. Feeling depressed.
I just wish I could stay numb. I'm sick of it hitting me in waves. :(

I'll be fine...I'm in no way suicidal. It's not even a 'thing' for me in my life. I still have a small flame flickering within somehow.
I'm just...I don't know...bleh.

I think I may be grieving or something similar...and I just don't know how to handle or deal with it. I don't want to deal with it...but I don't know how to stop it from catching up with me.

Gah. I don't know guys. I really need to stop coming here and venting. I feel so stupid for venting here. I'm the one who did this to myself...how the hell do I have the right to feel so upset and torn up about it? This is MY fault. These burdens were placed on my shoulders by my hands.
I'll feel like such an *** tomorrow for whining here.

I don't know what to do :(

BellaVita
10-20-14, 12:31 AM
(((((((((((((PSYCHO))))))))))))))

Reading through this made my heart sad for you, I just wish I could reach out and hug you. :(

What's happened in your life, even the bad, it's NOT your fault. Your brain may be telling you that, and it's almost impossible not to listen (I can understand where you're coming from, trust me), but seriously not your fault.

You've been through so much with your Dad, your life and getting diagnosed with ADHD, trying to figure things out....

You're not a failure.

I have been in a very dark place before, a scary place....I can relate to you and depression can tug at your heart until it breaks and wear you down to nothing.

Somehow though, I survived.

Comparing yourself to others will only cause hurt. I know this because I have a major issue with this and sometimes I make myself cry by endless comparing :(

You are you, perfect as you are, right now.

You are lovable. You are kind. You are worthy.

Please, tell those voices inside of you that are saying you're worthless to shut up and tell them success isn't everything and that you have a heart of gold - that's what truly matters.

You have touched many lives here, mine has been touched by the glow of happiness and warmth and compassion you've shared, and I am seriously inspired by you.

Please talk to your doctor about your depression you're feeling, especially since it's coming in waves it could be a mood disorder or depression - whatever the case it needs to be addressed.

Also, I know it may sound a little crazy but have you considered getting a pet? My dog Loua has literally helped save me, I am now getting out of my shell because of her and doing things and meeting people. I'm happier and full of life because of her.

Stay strong my friend. You are incredible and have infinite worth, you just can't see it right now.

And don't worry about venting or long posts - that's what this place is for!

We love you!

:grouphug:

Little Missy
10-20-14, 02:08 AM
:grouphug: I want you to feel better. Things have been rather lonely here without you.

Unmanagable
10-20-14, 02:32 AM
No matter how hard we try, we can't out run our hearts. <3 May yours find the healing it needs. (((((Hugs)))))

sarahsweets
10-20-14, 04:01 AM
Here's the thing. Regardless of the reason you quit your job its already happened right? You cant change the past and trying to find meaning in a decision that has already been made will make you crazy. It doesn't matter anymore why you quit because you have already quit. Maybe in the future,if you get another job you can consider if there were any warning signs or triggers that may have lead up to you quitting but only if that would help you going into your next job. If you are not starting a new job then obsessing over what happened is only punishment for your poor soul. Seriously, you didn't pillage and plunder, murder or steal. You quit your job and one day the reason will be clear to you but worrying about it will only make you feel worse about yourself and that is the last thing you need. You're a good guy. Take a breath and keep it your chin up.
((( hugs)))

Flory
10-20-14, 07:02 AM
PP , I'm sorry you are feeling so low, don't feel bad for venting.
Can you see a therapist

Fuzzy12
10-20-14, 07:18 AM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Yes, I often feel feel worthless. Utterly and absolutely worthless. Like a pimple on the face of the earth, the scum of the universe, a drain and burden on everyone around me.

It's a lot worse though when I'm depressed. Right now, I'm not depressed and although I haven't changed (i.e. I'm pretty much as useless, incompetent and inadequate as always) it doesn't bother me so much. It's only when I'm in the pits of depression that these thoughts become more significant, affect everything I think, feel and do. What I'm trying to say is that these thoughts, at least for me, aren't really reflective of reality but of my state of mind. I guess, they are just another symptom of depression and depression distorts my sense of self worth and clouds my judgment.

By the way, the world wouldn't be better off without you. ADDF would be a lot worse off without you. So you might not have a job at the moment and struggle with other things but your contribution, even just on this forum, is much more significant. I'd be worse off without you.

stef
10-20-14, 08:10 AM
Nothing to add to what everyone has said here :grouphug:
Take care of yourself!

willow129
10-20-14, 09:24 AM
:grouphug: I want you to feel better. Things have been rather lonely here without you.

Agree 100%

Miss you Psycho :(

I hope you feel better soon.

Also if you're not seeing a therapist, then you need to vent somewhere. Don't feel bad about venting here. But I think you should keep those appointments because I feel like maybe there's something more than ADHD going on here.

TygerSan
10-20-14, 09:36 AM
(((Psychopathetic)))

I so understand your issues with the therapist. Somehow, my depression/sadness/craziness, whatever, tends to dissipate at inopportune times. I think I've been well-trained, for one, to present a happy face in front of strangers. It's really hard for me to open up, esp. if someone's gauging my mental state or sizing me up.

It's when I'm alone with my own thoughts that things can get really, really dark. And I've always (thank goodness) been fortunate enough to be able to somehow pull myself out of some pretty dark places.

And because I have the wherewithal to do so, I often feel as though I must not be as bad off as people who can't. That I don't deserve therapy/treatment/ whatever because I *can* pull myself up, I *should*.

Honestly, I don't really have any answers for you, but wanted to let you know that I relate. Would it help to keep any one of those posts that you've written and trashed, for your next appointment?

I know I would be embarrassed as **** to have a therapist read one, but it might be helpful to convey a state-of-mind that slips away, but is still important to acknowledge?

Rebelyell
10-20-14, 11:03 AM
Awe psycho hugs.Its our disorder that s ruined our confidence and self esteem from failing others and being put down so much that after a while we don't know if we're doing good or not, stuff gets so messed up we get confused with right or wrong cause we can't read non verbal cues.

Crosswired
10-20-14, 07:43 PM
I feel your pain Psycho. I have been suffering from feelings of hopelessness as of late. Today I have been miserable. The days are getting shorter and winter is coming. I hate my dead-end job and the fact that I come home from work to spend all my time alone.

I have no real career prospects to speak of as I ruined two careers already, lost many jobs. I feel worthless at times and wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hate having this disability as it means largely suffering in silence. We're in this together!

Little Missy
10-20-14, 07:49 PM
Yep, we are all in this together. I kinda like our camaraderie.

psychopathetic
10-21-14, 10:03 PM
Oh guys...you are all so special and wonderful.
I really am touched by all of your replies. I mean...wow
I'm lost for words...I honestly do not know what to say. Just know that this all truly has touched me and means so much to me!
Thank you so much. I just love you guys.
<3

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Rebelyell
10-23-14, 12:27 PM
I've come to the sad realization that I'm just ****** up and no amount of help is gonna change things and this is just the way it's gonna be

Lizzie80
11-04-14, 01:03 AM
I keep typing long posts and deleting them. Been here I think for over an hour typing.
I don't know what to say :(...don't know what I'm looking for with this post.
Sympathy? Understanding?
I really don't know.

I'm just frustrated. I keep getting hit by waves of sadness and depression. Been hitting me for months.
I haven't worked in years...got a dream job this summer...quit within a week.
And it's been eating at me for the last 3 months. I try to push it down, I try to ignore it...to find things to numb me. But the damn emotions...they keep hitting me. The damn self-hatred, it keeps knocking me down...the deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness...keep choking me.

I can't seem to escape it and I don't know what to do.
I do fine...I find happiness again and contentment. Then I'm hit with another wave of the emotions...it's like no matter how hard I run I can't escape the damn waves.
And I'm afraid I'm going to break.

And I'm not sure anyone can help me. Every time I plan on making an appointment with my therapist...it's during the times where I'm okay, and I feel like I have no reason to see her 1 on 1.
Besides...I don't think she can even help. What am I going to do? Talk to her? What's that going to solve? If I need someone to talk to, I have people online I can pm...or this forum.

I don't know guys :(.
Sometimes it's anger...almost a rage...at myself for being so stupid for quitting my job.
Sometimes it's feeling so worthless.
Sometimes it's a realization that this world would be better off without me.
It's always something.
Today it's feeling like sh*t for not doing anything productive with myself. For seeing how hard everyone else has to work for their living...and here I am, being a lazy piece of **** who doesn't have to work hard to making ends meet. I just hate me sometimes you know?
...

Bah yet another f'ing long post. I'm tired of deleting them though. I guess what I wanted was just to vent I guess.
I keep finding myself here. Throwing a pitty party for myself. Feeling depressed.
I just wish I could stay numb. I'm sick of it hitting me in waves. :(

I'll be fine...I'm in no way suicidal. It's not even a 'thing' for me in my life. I still have a small flame flickering within somehow.
I'm just...I don't know...bleh.

I think I may be grieving or something similar...and I just don't know how to handle or deal with it. I don't want to deal with it...but I don't know how to stop it from catching up with me.

Gah. I don't know guys. I really need to stop coming here and venting. I feel so stupid for venting here. I'm the one who did this to myself...how the hell do I have the right to feel so upset and torn up about it? This is MY fault. These burdens were placed on my shoulders by my hands.
I'll feel like such an *** tomorrow for whining here.

I don't know what to do :(

You said it yourself without knowing you said it (I think). :) "I have these waves hitting me"...That's what it's like all the time in life. Most of us probably feel the same way. We're swimming constantly in life, trying not to drown, hoping to make it to shore someday and get to rest. However, there are few periods of life when we're not at least stuck treading water, having to work just to stay afloat. Then those darn waves come and knock us out. Some are gentle, even a bit welcome. Others crash into us like a train, leaving us sputtering and gasping for breath. Most waves are something in between these two extremes. I don't think it only happens with people who have ADD, but maybe we have more waves hit us...or we feel the waves much more harshly? I'm not sure, but they suck and I doubt anyone has come up with a way to prevent them from coming.

At this point in my life, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that few of us can ever hit a place of "permanent happiness". Even though we're taught basically from birth that this is somehow an achievable goal, I think the ones who've actually achieved this would be in an extreme minority. No person, job, degree, amount of money, medicine, amount of therapy, amount of exercise, not a thing, will allow us to avoid the waves. That is just my take on it, and I could be wrong. I'm not against proactive behavior to keep the sadness minimal, and I don't think you should be, either. As a matter of fact, I think one should fight like hell every day for their life to be as good as possible. Hopefully, to make the lives of people around us better, too. Sometimes, the latter goal - making another person's life better - is what gets us out of bed and out the door. Sometimes, getting our own needs fulfilled won't be enough to drive us to that really proactive point. When we get our minds off of ourselves for a bit, time passes a little faster for awhile, if nothing else. And Twitch, you DO make other peoples' lives better. I hope that knowledge will serve to buoy you a bit whenever you get down...

If it makes you feel any better, I think we'd all agree we're in the water with you, and we're all trying not to drown. At least we're in this together. We all have to try and make the waves that hit us do so as gently as possible, even riding the waves out if there's a chance to. If your therapist will help in that goal - making things easier in life - then talk to them. If not, let that go. Don't hang on out of sheer habit to anything or anyone. Just my $0.02 on the matter.

:grouphug:, Twitchy. :)

0000000100
11-04-14, 11:19 AM
I can relate to you. Ever felt like jumping from the window while at work, to be free, especially when you have to be glued to your workplace ? I to have my downfalls, where I get to see the darkness of despair. I regreted a lot after leaving a workplace.
I won't tell you that it's not our fault, or that you are wonderfull, but I can say other things.
- Our brains craive for emotions. And sometime it finds it in despair. Did you ever notice the intensity of emotions in such moments of despair, the emotions the music brings in those moments and other stuff ? Maybe not exactly a good thing, but I just realized it some time ago.
- Accept a part of you. There are things we wont be able to accept about us, but there are some we can, and even be happy about them, cause they make us different. I accepted that I am shy, that I am really awkard meeting people I don't know, I am Antisexual and it is hard - but still something different, that I suck at looking normal - but meh, I don't really care. Do you want to be like the normal guys ? Wearing a suit, having a wellpaid boring job, and so on ? Sure, our life sucks, but at least we don't live like 'em, there is a certain beauty in us being different.
- Based on the previous one, maybe try to be unique ? Find your own way in life. Yes, we will probably suck at work(or not have it at all), and other ADD related stuff, but over than that, try to be different. We are not normal, and we should be happy about that :)

Rebelyell
11-04-14, 11:30 AM
I feel other people around me are worthless and those same people stress and tax my nerves.