View Full Version : Promiscuity


sushigirl
10-20-14, 10:02 AM
I remember when I was younger (starting at 16), I tried getting attention (love) by sleeping with different guy, quite often. It stopped when I got married, but my behavior, in the past, is still shaming me (even now at 43!). I know i was not a bad girl but i coudn't help it. I was looking outside for love, approval amd admiration because I was not feeling it in myself.

Now that I know I have add, I don't know it it's a trait and if other people experienced this or it was simply a lack of love for myself?

Rebelyell
10-20-14, 10:59 AM
People make mistakes and do stupid things when we're young, part of learning and growing up, don't be so hard on yourself sushi

Unmanagable
10-20-14, 11:19 AM
I had similar experiences. I always chalked it up to being sexually abused at the age of 13 by a much older cousin, but I didn't realize, at the time, all the other factors that were going on in my brain. Looking back with a completely different understanding of it all, I'd say the self love remains the most critical piece to maintain.

Stevuke79
10-20-14, 11:49 AM
What you describe sounds normal for any human being. Sex is life anything else (talking, eating, driving,..). At a certain point it becomes part of our life and we play with it, learn it's place, and learn to handle it like an adult.

If you were a guy, would you feel shame for having a more developed notion of sex at 43 than at 16?

I think what you feel is just what we teach our girls to feel - but we're very wrong to do it.(If this is a women's only conversation, please forgive me.)

sushigirl
10-20-14, 12:59 PM
What you describe sounds normal for any human being. Sex is life anything else (talking, eating, driving,..). At a certain point it becomes part of our life and we play with it, learn it's place, and learn to handle it like an adult.

If you were a guy, would you feel shame for having a more developed notion of sex at 43 than at 16?

I think what you feel is just what we teach our girls to feel - but we're very wrong to do it.(If this is a women's only conversation, please forgive me.)

I think you might have actually nailed it. No i wouldn't feel ashamed if I was a guy.

I'm currently reading a book "Shame that binds us" and I am at the part where they talk about cultural shame. And what our gender role is and how it can bring shame to our life.

pooka
10-20-14, 01:16 PM
The way girls are taught to think about sex is f***ed up. The number of people you have sex with doesn't affect anything and isn't hurting anyone (as long as everything is consensual and stuff).

I think there could definitely be a connection between ADHD and promiscuity because of the impulsivity and being more in the moment with our decision-making.

PookDo
10-20-14, 01:22 PM
I'm sure there's a link between ADHD and promiscuity.The impulse control or lack of is probably a big part of it.I've always been a really sexual person and I'm sure being bisexual amplifies that

Pilgrim
10-20-14, 06:45 PM
I remember when I was younger (starting at 16), I tried getting attention (love) by sleeping with different guy, quite often. It stopped when I got married, but my behavior, in the past, is still shaming me (even now at 43!). I know i was not a bad girl but i coudn't help it. I was looking outside for love, approval amd admiration because I was not feeling it in myself.

Now that I know I have add, I don't know it it's a trait and if other people experienced this or it was simply a lack of love for myself?

I think this is very common. Although I think males go and have sex at that age for the same reason. When we are at our sexual peek. And it becomes very confusing. And the we mistake sex for love. Get hurt

Stevuke79
10-20-14, 09:43 PM
I think you might have actually nailed it. No i wouldn't feel ashamed if I was a guy.

I'm currently reading a book "Shame that binds us" and I am at the part where they talk about cultural shame. And what our gender role is and how it can bring shame to our life.

Thanks. I shared this bit with a friend here before thinking it through enough to post here. I feel like woman are taught that yes, they should be sexual, just so long as they feel bad about it; in a sense I feel women are taught that they are trading the good opinion of one guy, for what we accept as the bad opinion of the rest. In other words, your boyfriend will appreciate what you do so you'll have his good opinion - but the cost is that all other men (and women) will judge you (bad opinion). Which gives men all the power,.. they cost women so much,.. but of course women aren't actually supposed to abstain. So then of course you better not leave that guy,.. you already took a step down with everyone else to take a step up with him. You're invested and he has the power.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping, but for some reason these women's issues always really bothered me even when I was a teen (not sure why - but I used to agonize over this stuff; maybe I encountered it somewhere).

Funny thing, my 6-year old daughter went to a birthday party at a nail salon and in the party favors was a bottle of nail polish. She doesn't get to hold on to stuff like that herself lest we find our house covered in nail polish so we keep her "makeup" with my wife's stuff (it's in the place she keeps lip balm, Vaseline, hand cream, not even any makeup. My wife doesn't have any - never wore it. Totally unrelated but I never liked the way makeup looks on anyone - in salon/makeover "before and after" pictures, I always find "before" MUCH more attractive. There must be something wrong with me - even in high end ads, "After" usually seems kind of weird and unappealing. I digress .. Sorry ..)

Anyway I noticed the nail polish was called "Sinful Shine" and I put it next to another bottle she got at a party "Wet 'n Wild". I wished I could compare it to my wife's nail polish - but alas none exists.. But it REALLY bothered me that my daughter is being taught to "pretty herself up" (a seperate problem that I resist to a point) .. BUT when she does it's somehow "sinful". Sinful to "shine" no less. And when she does this prettying up it's related to being "wet and wild" which implies (I think): It's not for her. It's for someone else and that someone else is a guy.

Maybe I'm crazy - Again, forgive me if I'm overstepping.

rickymooston
10-20-14, 09:46 PM
I'm sure there's a link between ADHD and promiscuity.The impulse control or lack of is probably a big part of it.I've always been a really sexual person and I'm sure being bisexual amplifies that

I'm a guy here don't cultural standards make It easier to label a "normal" female as being too "promiscuous"? I do know certainly some "disorders" such as being b-p make some people far more sexual and could see ADHD affecting people (male and female) either increasing lack of impulse control or decreasing (hard to explain but lack of focus ...) sexual desire. I suspect I've been affected by both in terms of my own sexual desire.

If you are a bi-sexual, I'd be surprised that meant you were "more sexual" than a non but I don't know bi-sexuals in real life.

Best wishes.

And agree with person who said the way girls I "taught" about sex is often screwed up. I think, as women became heard more in our society, that is changing but most definitely exist double standards along those lines.

sarahsweets
10-21-14, 04:08 AM
This reminds me of an article I read last week a l about soap operas in south Korea. They usually have plot lines where a woman gets raped. Their reasoning is because women are expected to resist a man and not want sex because they are to remain chaste. The men usually force the woman into sex and then the woman likes it because she really wanted it all along.

Abi
10-21-14, 08:43 AM
That was common in American soaps back when I was a teen as well, oddly enough.

sushigirl
10-21-14, 10:23 AM
Anyway I noticed the nail polish was called "Sinful Shine" and I put it next to another bottle she got at a party "Wet 'n Wild". I wished I could compare it to my wife's nail polish - but alas none exists.. But it REALLY bothered me that my daughter is being taught to "pretty herself up" (a seperate problem that I resist to a point) .. BUT when she does it's somehow "sinful". Sinful to "shine" no less. And when she does this prettying up it's related to being "wet and wild" which implies (I think): It's not for her. It's for someone else and that someone else is a guy.

Maybe I'm crazy - Again, forgive me if I'm overstepping.

1st of all, your not overstepping! I just had the feeling to post my message in the woman section, but I should of put it in the general talk!

Your nail polish "sinful shine" story is disturbing. it makes the point of what I was talking about, gender shame. Because you are a male or a female, you have to stick to your role. If you get out of it, you are being judged, shamed and critisized. You have to follow the society (cultural) flow.

Male: You have to be the protector, emotionless, bread winner (having a good job), support you family,...

Female: Take care of other, peaceful, pretty (but not draw too much attention "sinful shine"), raise your family, ...

Have you notice that if you don't have one of the crireria, you feel a deep shame? that something is wrong with you?

Ex: If a man loses his job and can't bring enough money home? He will feel deeply flawed and shameful.

You have to fit the mold or you are a defective person.

Stevuke79
10-21-14, 10:35 AM
I actually feel that men get a lot of slack on their roles.. don't judge him by his income,.. men can cry too,.. stay at home dads are all the rage..

SirSchmidt
10-21-14, 10:47 AM
men can cry too,..

I can't stand this one. Some men were brought up to believe that emotion, and especially crying, are wrong and unmanly. I disagree wholeheartedly.

It's equally disgusting how many girls are taught that sex is wrong and dirty and those that indulge in it are somehow impure.

TheChemicals
10-21-14, 01:18 PM
Wow so much goodfeedback, sux i came in so late.

Shlarin
10-21-14, 02:26 PM
Because it's hard wired in our genes and our prehistoric cavemen/cavewomen ancestors were much more promiscuous than us.. doesn't mean this behavior is acceptable today, but evolution hasn't progressed at a pace that kept up with rapidly evolving social norms in the past 10,000 years.

Very interesting article on this if you've got the time to read:

http://www.raptitude.com/2012/06/why-we-fck/

Stevuke79
10-21-14, 02:48 PM
Wow so much goodfeedback, sux i came in so late.

don't you hate when all your good ideas are already taken?;)

sushigirl
10-21-14, 03:18 PM
I red my post again, and I want to get something very clear, when I say a lot, it was maybe 5 guys not 100! Which is a lot for me :D You see, the guilt makes me explain myself ;)

My french can get in my way when I speak or write english sometimes :p

RobboW
10-21-14, 07:17 PM
I think this mostly harks from the era when most people were either good God fearing Christians and Church was the thing to do on Sunday, or a criminal element. It comes back to marriage and protecting the sanctity of it. Promiscuity from within a marriage undermines and destroys trust and reliability. A genuine partnership cannot exist without that.

I think lines got blurred along the way. It applied to no sex before marriage as well, so thus the shame.

In early days, things were different. Women had no rights or opportunity and did rely on a man to "keep" them. Doing things that jeopardized this were very risky to one's survival.

Now we have equal rights and opportunity is much better for women, although not quite equal yet. There's much less stigma and women have choices.

That being said, promiscuity within a marriage will still be as bad as ever for the marriage. That has not changed.

sushigirl
10-21-14, 07:30 PM
I think this mostly harks from the era when most people were either good God fearing Christians and Church was the thing to do on Sunday, or a criminal element. It comes back to marriage and protecting the sanctity of it. Promiscuity from within a marriage undermines and destroys trust and reliability. A genuine partnership cannot exist without that.

I think lines got blurred along the way. It applied to no sex before marriage as well, so thus the shame.

In early days, things were different. Women had no rights or opportunity and did rely on a man to "keep" them. Doing things that jeopardized this were very risky to one's survival.

Now we have equal rights and opportunity is much better for women, although not quite equal yet. There's much less stigma and women have choices.

That being said, promiscuity within a marriage will still be as bad as ever for the marriage. That has not changed.

Don't worry, it was BEFORE my marriage, as i said in my post!

mctavish23
10-21-14, 07:41 PM
The core deficit of ADHD is INHIBITION = The Ability to Delay Gratification and

Stop One'self BEFORE Getting Into Trouble. ADHD Impairs that.

With ADHD, that can lead to a lot of escapist/pleasure seeking behavior.

I'm officially retired and never practiced on the net anyway, but my respect-

-ful suggestion is to consider Basic Mindfulness, in terms of trying to live in

the present; in a non-judgmental manner.

I'm impressed with your courage in bringing this up; and I can promise you

that I'm not impressed easily.

I was also struck by the fallacy associated with gender differences, in terms

of it being "okay" for guys to be proud of having "scored" so often.

tc

mctavish23

(Robert)

RobboW
10-21-14, 07:48 PM
Don't worry, it was BEFORE my marriage, as i said in my post!

Lol, yeah, I did read your post, I wasn't projecting any of that toward you at all, just trying to explain why I reckon people feel that way.

Also, ADHD people are possibly more worried about how they are perceived by others? Might ruminate on it more than NT's.

sushigirl
10-22-14, 06:48 AM
Lol, yeah, I did read your post, I wasn't projecting any of that toward you at all, just trying to explain why I reckon people feel that way.

Also, ADHD people are possibly more worried about how they are perceived by others? Might ruminate on it more than NT's.

Oops... :o

sushigirl
10-22-14, 06:56 AM
The core deficit of ADHD is INHIBITION = The Ability to Delay Gratification and

Stop One'self BEFORE Getting Into Trouble. ADHD Impairs that.

With ADHD, that can lead to a lot of escapist/pleasure seeking behavior.

mctavish23

(Robert)

Never think of that! It makes sense.

Well, i don't have to be courageous to talk about it, it happened when i was young (30 years ago!) and my husband knows everything. even if i don't feel proud about this, there's nothing i can change. What's done is done! I must have been very insecure...

Rebelyell
10-22-14, 09:08 AM
My parents being Christians put that on me and while I followed there rules of no sex before marriage I Was deeply embarrassed for being a guy virgin, I can say I no longer feel shame nor will I be the ******* 40 year old virgin.: thank god

Stevuke79
10-22-14, 09:23 AM
Rebelyell, I don't mean to pick on you, and I'm sure many men would say the same thing - so this isn't personal or directed at you per se.

But if someone were 40, and also a virgin, and also perfectly happy with their decisions, (whether or not they are happy with the lack of companionship), would that be a bad thing? And is it worse for a man than for a woman?

Again, I don't mean to pick on you, but if I were in that situation, and I read "thank god" I think that would hurt my feelings. But I also don't really think that's what you meant - so I wanted to point it out.

sushigirl
10-22-14, 11:20 AM
Again, it proves what I was saying. When society, culture, family,... imply something, in that case being older and still be a virgin is not normal, you will feel deeply ashamed of yourself...

Joker_Girl
10-23-14, 07:22 PM
Don't feel bad. I was a beast before I got married. When I first got to college, I was sick of being a good girl. I wanted to party and run wild. Getting male attention was a high for me.

I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I was beautiful, but just for one night, and then, I wanted them to go away.

It's something I think a lot of people go through in young adulthood.

Rebelyell
10-23-14, 07:31 PM
I regret not being promiscuous when I was younger, I look back in shame and feel like that there was something wrong with me.alot of stereotypes if you aren't having sex you must be gay etc stupid thinking with people always assuming.

Batman55
10-24-14, 12:20 AM
Rebelyell, I don't mean to pick on you, and I'm sure many men would say the same thing - so this isn't personal or directed at you per se.

But if someone were 40, and also a virgin, and also perfectly happy with their decisions, (whether or not they are happy with the lack of companionship), would that be a bad thing? And is it worse for a man than for a woman?

Again, I don't mean to pick on you, but if I were in that situation, and I read "thank god" I think that would hurt my feelings. But I also don't really think that's what you meant - so I wanted to point it out.

Well unfortunately there is a lot of pressure.

This post may touch on some PI terms, hopefully it won't offend anyone though.

My friend at 32 was on his way to being a 40 year old virgin (he's not classically attractive, he's got a crappy job, etc etc.).. with the exception of paying for it, a few times.

When a married woman with 3 kids he works with, propositions him... well, what's the sane response? That wasn't his response. I believe he said "yes" because he didn't want to lose an opportunity that may never occur again, and yes, the stigma of involuntary male virginity had to be a factor.

Long story short, it became an absolute nightmare for him, rumors swirling all around, paranoia, the crushing guilt of enabling the adulterous affair, the worry of her husband finding out... After seeing what it did to him, I now know I won't make the same mistake. No sane person would. But why did he? I believe the pressure to not be a 40-year-old virgin played a part.