View Full Version : Just one question...


Amazingnoone
10-26-14, 10:42 PM
Hi

This is my first post here and it might come up as a little long and self-wallowing (but im so good at it!).

Do any of you ever get this feeling?
Like if thereís a god or somekind of superior entity watching over our lives or something, itís probably laughing itís *** off witnessing your cycle of trials & errors?
I do.


Itíll soon be 2 years since i learned about ADHD. Medication didnít work but i entered a daycare center last year for CBT, which i have to admit helped me a lot with depression and anxiety.
Stopped attending because (random impulsive reason here)


And even though i thought i was at the end of the tunnel, i still canít get myself to move on with my life.
Because even though i have a lot of varied projects, i canít commit to any of them.
I still feel completely lost in this world and of course ADD is not going to help you figuring it out.
I applied for many jobs in the past months. Got past the interview only once.
Managed to get myself fired on the second day.


Iím getting fed up with the way i canít commit to anything career related.
Iíve been spending a month (like, 4 months ago :/) with a whiteboard planning the whole week ahead, trying to put my fat *** back on the rails of my failed studies, learning new skills, trying to get a better life hygiene.
Which of course did not happen, because i canít get myself to choose. And because no matter what, even after 1 year of CBT, everything just feels totally hopeless.

And oh, yeah, because i also can't get myself to go through with any of those things, did i pay for it(coaching) or not.


I can feel inhumanely optimistic when going to bed, like the blue tomorrows are coming at dawn, like nothing can stop me anymore
Usually, not for more than 2 hours.
I canít begin to describe how infuriating it still is .
I keep having those deep monologues where i feel like the time, and the ability for me to take control of my life has finally come.


But nooo
Iíve got so much more important things to do when the morning rises, like catching up with the latest tv shows episodes, keep sleeping so i can be sure to procrastinate effectively, or beat myself up mentally because i just remembered that i had an appointment 3 days ago, which had been planned for months but i guess itís not my fault.
And when my inner voice is too loud, when i can get up on my own two feet and ACT (because in the end, I KNOW I CAN), well something else ruins it.

Or i can do it tomorrow, iím not in the right mindset.
Or iíll never have time.
Or iíd rather shout out my problems at people who already have their own.
I might not be lazy but it really feels so.
And so, nothing changes. And since trying harder doesnít work, wellÖ


You know whatís the worst in this to me?
The people around me.
The few friends i have who actually believe(d) in me, and tried to talk me into getting my life better, getting to know this girl, going out to get a job so i wonít have to go back at my parents' again, working on my strength that they know i could do something beautiful with.
And i feel so grateful for having those people around, so WHY CANíT I DO ANYTHING?!
I always end up feeling guilty wasting so much time, it sucks that i still do it.
I mean ADD or not, how do i let myself still disappoint these people i care about and who do care (or myself, more importantly), to the extent where some canít stand the sight of me anymore for still being the same inneffective loser?!

Itís not like i havenít been trying to explain about ADHD. They usually donít understand.
One of the best friend i ever had shut me out because she thought i was just trying to find excuses.
She wasn't the first and , unfortunately, not the last.

And how the hell could i blame her, or any of them?
I can't stomach myself anymore either

It doesnít matter how adult i want to feel, I still need people to tell me what i need to do, and when they do, i take no actions.
And itís not like i donít want to.
But thatís what it eventually looks like to them, and they get tired of always having to cheer up the poor little me.
Even when i donít want them to.
And when i DO take actions...I just fail.
I resent myself for this. It's even worse knowing it's not in my control.

But you know, Even when i try to be smiley and cheerful, i get turned down.
Even when i still feel that flame of motivation and do the best i can, it is NEVER enough.
In the end, i am the one whoís toxic. To myself or anyone.
And NOTHING can change that.

After like 8 years of therapies my life still feels completely out of control.
Empty.
Still feel like itís pointless to even try, like in some way, something will go wrong and ruin everything.

No, you know, not something.

"I"
I f****** ruin it EVERY DAMN TIME

I am so tired of myself.

No matter what i do i canít seem to figure out how to deal with anyone including my family (parents, brother and sisters)
ďeverytime i get ahead, i feel more deadĒ
I canít reach any of them and even during my good days i end up feeling rejected and misunderstood.


Every year i had to go through that moment where a person you thought you bounded with doesnít give a **** about you anymore and starts talking behind your back overnight .
Every. F******g. Time.
I have friends, but i only feel like such when im alone with just one of them. As soon as another person joins the party mind goes blank again.

Even if it got better i'm still the same weird guy, no matter how hard i try to change.

As for my family, they got tired of me years ago.
Even if they act supportive, all i see is how frustrated they all are with me...and believe me it shows


F*** my life. F*** this disorder.


All I can see or hear now is how iím going to fail, it seems nothing i do is ever good enough and i end up disappointed in my trials afterwards, not to mention the fact that completing one lousy project takes me an incredible amount of time whereas i see others complete several similar projects in half the time i need to complete one.

I hate feeling like iím better off dead but i do.
I might better tomorrow, but reality will still be the same.
And i still wonít be able to do anything about it because my very own best will never be enough.
And i will still fail numerous times with no chance of ever getting it right.
And people will still turn their back on me because of the miserable life i canít seem to escape.
And no matter how enthusiastic i can get about some coaching program i bought, i now know i don't even have the willpower to stick to it.

Day after day, my dreams and hopes for life are running out. Actually it feels like they just did.

So is this it? the real issue?
That i can't accept that my life is going to be lonely and miserable?
Now i know how hopelessness really feels like.
Nothing worked. Because i am too weak for this hellhole of a world

I feel that i am getting even closer to the bottom, so i need to know :
Ive felt suicidal. Severely. I told myself that i couldn't do that to my family or the few friends i ha(d)ve at the moment...that was 6 years ago.
But wouldn't it be a relief for them as much as it would probably be for me?
Because as i am now, i won't take much longer of this
I can't pretend i have to live for someone else because i can't even live for myself

Sorry it went so long

Unmanagable
10-26-14, 11:31 PM
Thank you for sharing your heart. So many here can relate and feel the same things. (((((Hugs))))) You've found your peeps.

Amazingnoone
10-27-14, 06:44 PM
Thanks for taking the time to read :)

I'm sorry for this maelstrŲm of self pity,
i don't really like venting like that but it never fails to help

Show must go on , as they say :D
I wish i could stop feeling this down though...