View Full Version : boyfriend has adhd - very angry and controlling- but i love him so much!!!!


Evepow16
11-17-14, 03:58 PM
Ive been with my bf for 2 years, we are both 18. I love him a lot and when he's his usual self i know he loves me too! we have had many!! ups and downs but we always come back to eachother. i support him no matter what, im always here despite how rude and controlling he has been to me.
he is not allowed at my house because of his anger and how he has treated me in the past, so my family doesnt like him. he was recently diagnosed with ADHD and since then he uses it as an excuse, he gets very angry easily and will call me names and say horrible things, im left crying everytime :( but i stay! and he says hes sorry and to not believe the things he says. recently hes been using his adhd as an excuse, he says im not control of my mind, so i dont know what im doing and im not to blame, so you cant be upset with me.
recently we had a break because he needed to realise that how he was treating me was wrong! and i needed some space. we got back together, he said he would change and i saw the change, but hes getting angry and horrible again because he has an excuse and he cant control it. he makes me feel bad about the break, because i hardly spoke to him despite saying i need some space and he became very depressed, i didnt know how to deal with it, i cant talk to anyone, because no one likes him, i just knew i needed some space, i love him so much! but i needed some space. he says i was horribel for doing that, he accuses me of cheating all the time and lying all the time too, when i promise you i dont!! i would never do that! i love him!! hes my everything!

So my main problem is recently is that we both want to go to the same university and I would love that! we want to live together and experience it all together!! but we want to study very different subjects, hes had to retake his school year and he doesnt have very good predicted grades, so i dont even know if he will get in, his adhd also makes it hard for him to study and he has medication, but he gets very depressed sometimes.
so anyway, we have chosen a couple of unis that both have our course and we are gonna apply to them. I however have 2 other unis that are extremely good for my course! but of course i would prefer to be with him, but i still need to look at these courses! these universitys are very close to other unis we are going to apply to, so we wouldnt be far away from eachother and we could still actually live together, maybe, or just visit eachother a lot.
i need to somehow tell him i need to look at theses unis tho, he will be angry and he will think i dont love him and want to be with him! chances are he will even break up with me! :( which i really dont want!! i love him so much and i dont want to lose him just because of my education, so i dont know what to do!
one of the open days is this weekend and i need to tell him soon! he will wonder what im upto and ask to see me, but obvs i cant, ill be busy. i dont want to lie to him at all!! i want to tell him the truth. im just scared of losing him!

ive supported him so much, i lost a lot because of him and i dont want it to go to waste, i see a future with this boy and he sees one with me too! when (when hes not angry) with me too


fyi hes not talking to me atm, hes going through a period of claiming he doesnt want to be with me, he does this a lot, so im used to it, he always comes back (although im still very scared and worried he wont)

sorry for all the text! can someone help me :( i need some advice

Maurice
11-17-14, 05:09 PM
So he's rude and he insults you. He also says horrible things to you that make you cry. He accuses you of cheating on him. He's not allowed to be at your house because of his anger.

But you love him? I would consider seeing a counselor, or talking with someone about codependency.

Unmanagable
11-17-14, 05:15 PM
Welcome to the forum. Glad you're here.

The behavior you describe from your b/f sounds above and beyond just adhd issues to me, but I'm in no way a professional with the skills or ability to diagnose anyone. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship has formed between you guys, as of yet. Fear based relationships are toxic.

If you're comfortable accepting that type of behavior in your life, get used to it. Speaking from experience, you have to be the one to raise the bar regarding what you are willing to accept as your definition of a healthy relationship. If you don't, no one else will do it for you. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.

He's learned you'll accept his anger and acting out, even after knowing everyone else in your life views it as unacceptable and have created clear boundaries to keep him away. Unless he sees a reason within himself to change, he'll continue acting out in a similar, or perhaps even more extreme fashion. Potential to escalate increases each time it's accepted.

You're choosing to allow yourself to live in constant fear. Fear of his reaction to everything, fear of your choice of uni not being the right one based on his choices, fear of your family not ever accepting him, fear of not living up to his expectations, etc., etc. It's simply not a healthy state of mind to live in.

I strongly encourage you to allow yourself space to learn to turn that energy and love inward and nurture yourself. Once you can fill that often overlooked void, the rest falls into place much easier. I wish I could have had someone around in my youth to teach me how to healthily do that.

sarahsweets
11-17-14, 05:16 PM
Hold on a minute..... do NOT move in with him or base your university choice on him. You will regret it. You're 18 years old and you don't need to put up with this nonsense. If he never changes can you deal with that?
hm

Wowwowwow
11-17-14, 05:27 PM
Imagine what he's going to be like later in life ,when he has to buy groceries,go to work,pay rent,imagine he would make a great dad....run girl run

Pilgrim
11-17-14, 05:37 PM
Welcome to the forum. Glad you're here.


I strongly encourage you to allow yourself space to learn to turn that energy and love inward and nurture yourself. Once you can fill that often overlooked void, the rest falls into place much easier. I wish I could have had someone around in my youth to teach me how to healthily do that. I think this is the most wonderful thing to learn. And then life gets much easier in the relationship sense.

This will all end in tears for you. Unfortunately his ADD doesn't give him any excuses to go on the way he does. Goodluck

Mittens
11-17-14, 06:05 PM
I can't remember which user said it, but this really rang true with me and stuck. I thought it was brilliant.

"Having ADD isn't his fault, but knowing he has it and dealing with it is HIS responsibility".

I think I got the wording wrong, but that's the general jist

Evepow16
11-17-14, 06:53 PM
Thankyou to all your comments and advice, just to update you, hes back acting as if nothing has happened, hasnt said sorry for being horrible or anything :/

dvdnvwls
11-17-14, 07:35 PM
i lost a lot because of him and i dont want it to go to waste
In relationships, this idea is always rubbish. Always.

BellaVita
11-17-14, 10:17 PM
I've been in a relationship with someone like that....I was also your age.

I was dumb and stayed with him for 1 year and 4 months.

Big mistake.

It eventually escalated and he would hit me. The anger gets worse.

That's not all ADHD - he needs some serious help.

Please, my heart hurts for you, you won't be happy with him. I know your love is strong, but sometimes love isn't enough. Not when you're getting hurt and treated horribly.

He doesn't sound like he'd be a good father for your future kids.

Breaking up permanently is hard to do, but it sounds like the best option and you need to leave NOW before he causes you further damage.

dvdnvwls
11-17-14, 11:59 PM
I've made some parts of the original post bold, to show which parts I'm specifially talking about. Ive been with my bf for 2 years, we are both 18. I love him a lot and when he's his usual self i know he loves me too! we have had many!! ups and downs but we always come back to eachother. i support him no matter what, im always here despite how rude and controlling he has been to me.
he is not allowed at my house because of his anger and how he has treated me in the past, so my family doesnt like him. he was recently diagnosed with ADHD and since then he uses it as an excuse, he gets very angry easily and will call me names and say horrible things, im left crying everytime :( but i stay! and he says hes sorry and to not believe the things he says. recently hes been using his adhd as an excuse, he says im not control of my mind, so i dont know what im doing and im not to blame, so you cant be upset with me.
recently we had a break because he needed to realise that how he was treating me was wrong! and i needed some space. we got back together, he said he would change and i saw the change, but hes getting angry and horrible again because he has an excuse and he cant control it. he makes me feel bad about the break, because i hardly spoke to him despite saying i need some space and he became very depressed, i didnt know how to deal with it, i cant talk to anyone, because no one likes him, i just knew i needed some space, i love him so much! but i needed some space. he says i was horribel for doing that, he accuses me of cheating all the time and lying all the time too, when i promise you i dont!! i would never do that! i love him!! hes my everything!

So my main problem is recently is that we both want to go to the same university and I would love that! we want to live together and experience it all together!! but we want to study very different subjects, hes had to retake his school year and he doesnt have very good predicted grades, so i dont even know if he will get in, his adhd also makes it hard for him to study and he has medication, but he gets very depressed sometimes.
so anyway, we have chosen a couple of unis that both have our course and we are gonna apply to them. I however have 2 other unis that are extremely good for my course! but of course i would prefer to be with him, but i still need to look at these courses! these universitys are very close to other unis we are going to apply to, so we wouldnt be far away from eachother and we could still actually live together, maybe, or just visit eachother a lot.
i need to somehow tell him i need to look at theses unis tho, he will be angry and he will think i dont love him and want to be with him! chances are he will even break up with me! :( which i really dont want!! i love him so much and i dont want to lose him just because of my education, so i dont know what to do!
one of the open days is this weekend and i need to tell him soon! he will wonder what im upto and ask to see me, but obvs i cant, ill be busy. i dont want to lie to him at all!! i want to tell him the truth. im just scared of losing him!

ive supported him so much, i lost a lot because of him and i dont want it to go to waste, i see a future with this boy and he sees one with me too! when (when hes not angry) with me too


fyi hes not talking to me atm, hes going through a period of claiming he doesnt want to be with me, he does this a lot, so im used to it, he always comes back (although im still very scared and worried he wont)

sorry for all the text! can someone help me :( i need some advice
His usual self includes all of the ways he treats you, and all of the ways he treats others also. Don't be fooled into thinking he has a "real self", or thinking that some days he's "not himself" - it's a trap. All the bad stuff he does is "the real him". (So is all the good too, of course, but you knew that.)

The reason your family and friends don't like him is that this man is a disaster to be around. Even if he wants to change, he has proved to you over and over that he isn't doing it. He isn't in love with your family or friends, so they don't see that amazing in-love side of him - but what they are seeing, what they don't like, is "the real him". You don't notice that because he's in love with you, but it's the truth. (He's not lying to you about that. He really is in love with you. It's just... that isn't enough.)

When he accuses and doubts you as he does, when he is hated by your parents and friends, when you're the only one who sees the good in him, when he has treated you badly in the past, when you support him but he doesn't support you... it's time to leave him. He isn't who you think he is - he is who all the others think he is. Please, for your own sake and for his, break up with him as soon as possible, and (do not tell him this!!!) in your own mind make an unbreakable rule that you will absolutely not take him back for any reason until you are 21. I don't think you should even take him back then, but I also don't think I should tell you "never" because that's too strong.

You deserve a man who is kind and thoughtful all the time. Don't settle for what you have now - it's wrong.

Fuzzy12
11-18-14, 06:03 AM
Lots of red flags there irrespective of if he's got ADHD or not. I doubt you can sustain a healthy and happy relationship the way things are now and I doubt that he'll change considerably and definitely not any time soon. I know, it's tough to let go of someone that you think you love and need but are you willing to put up with his behaviour (and all the problems and unhappiness he is bound to cause you)?

If you already feel that you have lost a lot because of him, it's best to just count your losses and get out. It's not going to get any better. You are just going to lose more and more.

i love him so much and i dont want to lose him just because of my education, so i dont know what to do!

There is no 'just' about getting a good education and in the current climate attending a good university will make a big difference. Don't lose your chance of obtaining a good education just because of a boy who isn't even treating you well. I'm guessing you've put in work as well to get good grades so that you can attend a decent university and in the long run you are going to lose more if you sacrifice your education than if you decide to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Anyone, who'd break up with you, just because you wish to attend a better university doesn't have your best interests in mind.

I think, the best thing you can do for him is to encourage him to get help for his issues. An unhealthy relationship isn't going to benefit him either.

Love isn't enough to make two people happy, especially not if loving someone means having to make bad choices for yourself.

TygerSan
11-18-14, 08:29 AM
My advice to you would almost be the same regardless of how your boyfriend is treating you.

Go to the university that is the best fit for you. Even if it's somewhat terrifying, and you know he won't be there.

You're 18. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and you may find yourself regretting, or even worse, resenting a decision made not solely about you and your future.

If a relationship is meant to be, it will last the four years spent apart at uni. You'll find a way to make it work out, even though it's hard.

People change a lot in those four years. For better or for worse.

ToneTone
11-18-14, 10:09 PM
Some real hard-earned (I can feel the original pain) wisdom in these responses ...

There is a set of words that I now to see as a tip-off of a major problem in a relationship ... and I often see these words in advice columns or letters when the writer is asking "How can I talk to my partner about X?"

The language is along the lines of "If I tell/speak to him/ her about money/school/my mother/what I did ... he/she will be furious."

There was a guy writing to a personal finance columnist who said his finance had an addiction to buying expensive shoes and clothing and had tens of thousands of dollars in CC debt ... and he was afraid to bring it up "because she might explode." To which I wanted to yell, "Dude, who cares if she explodes? This issue, if not resolved, will ruin your marriage."

I am writing this as much to myself as to others. If I am so afraid of a person that I cannot even raise an important subject, that's a sign that I'm in a bad relationship ... and/or ... it's a sign that I've allowed myself to be shut down and intimidated by the other person.

Creating a good relationship is hard even when both partners can talk directly and kindly to each other ... Still hard ... But add in fear of how the other will react, and the chance of creating a good partnership for both people heads towards nil.

Which means anytime we're backing down, failing to talk or stand up for ourselves because we fear an explosion or outburst of some kind from the is a sign that we're not standing up for ourselves. It has taken me decades to learn this.

Tone

dvdnvwls
11-22-14, 02:37 AM
Which means anytime we're backing down, failing to talk or stand up for ourselves because we fear an explosion or outburst of some kind from the is a sign that we're not standing up for ourselves. It has taken me decades to learn this.
I think many of us with ADHD have learned (all too well, and from many and varied sources) "You're wrong every time, get used to it". Tone, I think you and I have both been hurt by that in the past.

However, it's important to remember that sometimes an ADHDer who's stuck in that kind of situation may eventually have a reaction along the lines of "That's it, I've had enough of being beaten down just for being who I am, and I'm not going to take any more s**t from anyone." Once that happens, it's possible for that ADHDer to simply stand up for himself appropriately - or it's also possible for him to become constantly belligerent and defensive and just generally unpleasant to be around.

Regarding the way this relates to the original post, I think that even if that switch to belligerent defensiveness has happened, it's only a minor part of the bad things being described.