View Full Version : Why do I feel guilty taking adderall?


sydneyclark
11-23-14, 03:47 AM
Hi everyone, my name is Sydney and I am 20 years old and I am in nursing school:) I stumbled on this site when I asked Google why I felt so guilty for taking adderall.

So, when I was younger I did very well in school and never had any behavioral problems or anything like that. When I got into middle school my grades started to fall, ALOT. It was pretty much that way until I graduated high school ( thank God, I thought I was never going to make it through school). Anyway, I was the kid that never did their homework in school, but I would pass most of the tests because I guess in the middle of my day dreaming in class I actually picked up a little bit of something. I got through school, and then applied for nursing school. And I made it! Right out of high school with a graduating high school GPA of 1.7.

So, then nursing school started. I am still currently attending nursing school. It was the biggest shock and wake up call of my life so far. I am in a self paced nursing program. What that means is the instructors DO NOT do lecture. They write out a contract everything month and we have to sign it, and on this contract it will tell us how far we have to get in our course. Like this month for example, I am in Med Surg and my contract consist of reading 11 chapters and doing all the book work and stuff and taking the test and passing it with a 77% or higher (anything lower than that is a failing grade). So what you do is you read the chapters out of the book and teach yourself everything. I knew it would be hard, and I told myself I would have to step my game up. Well, even when I made strong attempts, I still didn't do well. That is when I started wondering to myself, maybe I have ADD.

So, after trying my little heart out and studying for days on some chapter, or even weeks ( I have chapters that are up to 90 pages long) I was still not making good grades. I was passing, but I was passing by a 78%. I just would get so down. I pour my heart and soul into this and study my *** off for days and I get a D? Seriously? I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, but I don't want to be! I WANT to accomplish things and do what I say I am going to do. I felt like such an idiot. I could not focus enough to read my text books. When I did read, it would take me hours to read a 20 page chapter. I would start reading and then start thinking about other things, I would literally have to reread paragraph 2 or 3 times before i comprehended anything. I was so frustrated. When I studied it had to be TOTALLY silent and I would have to be alone. Because anything could distract me from my work. Many nights my "study sessions" ended with me feeling lower than dirt and crying because I was just so frustrated. Why couldnt I read an effing book?

I tried just about everything. I tried essential oils to help me focus but it didnt help me nearly enough. So, I finally went to my doctor and told him everything. I was also so stressed out, I had anxiety all the time (especially social anxiety. He prescribed me 20mg of adderall daily. I couldnt have been happier, I was so excited. All these things I couldnt do before, I was able to do now because I could actually focus on something. I just kept thinking of how great I was going to do on test and I LOVE learning. I was just ecstatic. My first day I took it and I sat down at 9 am with my textbook and read a 30 page chapter by lunch time. I was completely blown away. The medicine made me feel awesome too. Like I was a super awesome version of myself that nobody ever got to see because I never really talked alot. Adderall makes me talk alot for some reason. I never feel "high" when I am taking it, I just have so much energy and I am so happy. I felt like a normal human being. I used to quickly get very upset and mad, when I get stressed out or when things didnt go exactly as planned.

Then the second day came, I went to clinical at the hospital for the first part of the morning. It was the BEST clinical experience I had ever had. For the first time I was not afraid to talk, or ask questions, or had to courage to jump in and say "you know what? I can change his wound dressing or I can give that injection." I started getting to do more and more things because I simply felt comfortable enough to just ASK if I could. I dont know what I was so afraid of to begin with. Maybe they would think I was stupid or something if I didn't know something. So at noon I left clinical in an awesome mood so happy about the great day I just had at the hospital. I went to school and sat down and studied again, finished another chapter in my textbook AND even finished all of my clinical homework. I felt on top of the world. But then, I was laying in bed that night and thinking and all of these horrible thoughts came to my head. I felt like in someway I was cheating. Like I was taking the easy way out. I thought maybe I am just lazy? Despite what the doctor had told me, I didn't feel like I had ADD and that I was being a baby and I needed to suck it up and deal with it. I felt terrible, like I was some sort of drug addict. I smoked pot back in high school, but not anymore at all. I never drink alcohol. Just a personal choice of mine because I have a history of alcoholism in my family and I just dont even take the risk. But now that giving me anxiety. I never abuse my medication and I feel so guilty after I take it. I just dont understand why. But it really upsets me. Why do I feel so guilty taking medication that was prescribed to me?


I am so sorry this was so long, I just really needed to vent, I guess. If you made it all the way through this, thank you so much.

michaelaisabell
11-23-14, 11:53 AM
To be completely honest that was too much for me to read. Short and to the point is best here.
Anyway I too find myself feeling guilty about taking adderall. I just started a week ago.
I think it already feel like I'm dependant on it cuz I have the motivation to do stuff on it that I wouldn't otherwise have. I'm taking it directed and I'm on a very low dose so I don't know why I feel this way.

I think it's an adjustment period. Also I havnt told my husband I'm taking it cuz he's really against psych meds and considers adderall speed in a pill.

daqman247
11-23-14, 05:12 PM
I think a lot of us feel this way. When I read everything you wrote, it was like you were writing about me before I started medication. I was diagnosed years ago when I was a child, never got treatment until I was in my mid 20's and it was like a whole new life experience and I can't believe I didn't do this sooner.

I used to feel guilty when I first started but not anymore. You have to realize that some of us have pushed ourselves all of our lives without treatment, without answers, and trying so hard only to be disappointed in our best even though truthfully we haven't been at our best because we don't operate like those who don't have ADD/ADHD. The realization of this is what changed my perspective.

Pilgrim
11-23-14, 10:33 PM
If you need it don't feel guilty about it. The euphoria you describe will not last. These medications are only tools to help. The real power lies within.

sarahsweets
11-27-14, 07:30 AM
I think one thing that makes people guilty about taking adderall is because num nut college students by it illegally from friends and claim adhd so they can make deans list. It makes it really hard for us to be taken seriously. Or someone reads about adhd online and takes some useless test and self diagnoses themselves instead of seeing a doctor.

beachbum13
11-30-14, 07:46 PM
I identify with the majority of stuff in this thread! I felt extremely guilty going into my first psychiatrist appointment, and couldn't shake the idea that I was just "lazy" or a "ditzy spazz". I kept thinking that maybe I was too lazy to do my work; I would sit in front of a book for hours and get no where because I didn't really want to study. My doctor did an amazing job of helping me realize that there isn't anything wrong with asking for help.

I was in the same boat with studying all night and putting in incredible amounts of work for little return, but I find comfort in the fact that my problems are not isolated to studying. The most noticeable differences for me on medication are not being constantly mentally fatigued and the ability to interact so much better with the people around me. The ability to carry a conversation without zoning out, being able to articulate my thoughts more clearly, and having my closest friends tell me that I seemed more "put together" were all amazing sources of relief.

I'm also newly diagnosed, and had the same reaction of "just suck it up" immediately after. I felt like I'd reached the breaking-point mentally, and to be suddenly able to see a change was scary and almost seemed like cheating. I'm still struggling to figure out what it means to have medication "work". I never fully realized the extent of my distraction until it was gone!

What helps me at night (when the doubts seem to creep in!) is remembering that I am honest and forthcoming with my doctor, and the reason that I've been able to cope reasonably well for this long is because I DO try hard, I am NOT lazy and I CAN be successful. Be proud of how far you've come already and remember that identifying ADD/ADHD is a good thing! It sounds to me like you're doing spectacularly :yes: