View Full Version : Am I doing the right thing

11-26-14, 07:51 PM
I'm going back to Yorkshire for a couple of days (I've got a catsitter arranged for both Tigger and Ebony) but I'm doubting whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I used to think I wanted to live there forever but when I'm there it breaks my heart by changing and I want to get away again but when I'm away from it I want to be back there again.

I've got family there and when I go there I'll be staying with my grandma.

One problem with being there is my biological dad lives there and he's done a lot to hurt me and the rest of the family. Now he wants my current address and his wife's been trying to get it out of me. She's a lovely lady and I'd never do anything to hurt her. I've so far not given her my address because she'll pass it onto him and I don't want him turning up on my doorstep. He's never done anything for any of the family, apart from saying he'll turn up to visit and he'll be a better dad, then doesn't turn up and comes up with malicious lies about members of the family.

I'm torn because if Yorkshire was still the same as I remembered it a few years ago I'd have gone back there and refused to move away, even when Mum wanted me to come to this address. Before I came here, I was looking into moving into the city but unfortunately there's no jobs in that area that I could do and the city itself triggered my anxiety.

I still get depressed remembering that area of Yorkshire because when I remember what it used to be like I start missing it again but when I go back there it's changed and I end up hurt all over again.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing going back there to visit family because yes it's nice seeing them but I don't want my biological "dad" deciding to turn up unannounced (which he has done before and there was a massive fight - fortunately not a physical fight)

My grandma's constantly wanting my mum to go over there because she's getting very forgetful which causes Mum stress, my biological "dad" after ignoring me and my older brother for several years and once bringing his new kid over to the house when we were little and showing off the new baby to us in our own home when we were both little (which caused both of us distress) hasn't helped either of us, we've both disowned him.

I'm starting to wonder if it's really such a good idea me going back there even to visit family. Not all my family I'm happy to remain in contact with, some of them I'd rather not have them in my life because of some other stuff that happened.

Sorry if I'm making no sense, I just needed to say some stuff and there's no one I can talk about stuff with any more. Think this is the longest post I've ever made here. (

11-26-14, 08:42 PM

That whole situation sounds distressing to be in. :(

One thing that stuck out to me....why does she keep asking for your address? What happens when you tell her "no?" I find it fishy that she keeps asking you.....

I'd be careful with everything you say to her...

:grouphug: s about your dad :( that really hurts, I know it must.

I say go with what you feel in your heart to be right.

11-26-14, 08:49 PM
One thing that stuck out to me....why does she keep asking for your address? What happens when you tell her "no?" I find it fishy that she keeps asking you.....

Basically my "dad" wants it and keeps asking her to ask me for it, she told me he wants to send christmas presents but I don't believe that's the reason because I can only remember ever recieving one present from him in 25 years and that was a bribe because it was when my mum started seeing another man years after her and my dad divorced.

11-26-14, 10:22 PM
Sending you some strength love and encouragement... take your heart..... but make sure your the only one with access to it...

Address? maybe... if you do give it... be sure to mention what is "not ok".... ( no visitors )... another option is a friends address or post box.....

Ties like this can help us... ( often in a way that takes us way down before up / out ) though we are by our kind nature so open to abuse and manipulation.....

Keep safe Mids

11-26-14, 11:53 PM
I wish I had words to help you.

11-27-14, 12:24 AM
All I can say is to trust your instincts because they are usually right.
Best wishes.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

11-27-14, 12:43 AM
Your Dad's "nice" wife is nothing more than a bit@h trying to pump information out of you for her husband. Sometimes the sooner that you cut family ties the better off you are.

11-27-14, 03:57 AM
It will only be for a few days, and only to see your family. You are not under any obligation to visit anyone you do not want to see.
Your biological dad will not know that you will be in Yorkshire for the weekend, will he? If he does not know you are there, the chances of him turning up are very small.

As for his wife, trying to get your address, I think you can best be direct and straightforward with her. Tell her exactly why you do not want to give the address, because you are afraid your bio father will find out and you can not take that risk.
You may want to spare her feelings, but its not about her, its about you. You have no reason to spare your bio dad's feelings.

11-27-14, 04:37 AM
I can relate to some of this because one of my best friends has a very complicated relationship with her father...

He could be feeling guility and genuinely wanting to make amends and then at the same time he remains somehow childish and manipulative (friend's dad still upset with her because she didnt contact him yet he is the one who had affairs and left the home...)

11-27-14, 05:11 AM
Sounds to me like you would like to be there but there are too many bad memories for you to enjoy it anyway.

My advice, find somewhere else nice to live that has no attached history with any bad stuff. You can always visit your family (when YOU want to) and then go home to your new happy place :D

Have nothing to do with your dad, I think he is just trying to relieve his guilt. That's not your problem. Let him fester in it. Move on.

11-27-14, 07:43 AM
I would like to say this about my biological dad's wife - she's the nicest one he's had since he left my mum (the wives he's had between Mum and her were all evil female-dogs, they basically all hated me and my brother just because we happened to be his children even though he had nothing to do with him for over a decade)

He's made so many empty promises to us about coming over and seeing us that we don't trust him any more, also he's turned up unannounced before and left nasty notes because nobody was in, saying a less polite version of why weren't you all in with both the children you bleeping bleepers.

I don't know what his relationship with my mum was like (I was too young to remember when they split, less than 6 months old so I think you can understand why I can't remember it)

Both me and my brother gave him a chance time and time again and we'd both wait for him when he'd said he was coming, I can remember my older brother used to gaze out of the window watching for him and he'd never turn up.

The last time we ever saw him was when I took my then-fiance to meet some of the family and he found out and turned up, only to be horrible about us again.

Sigh ... families are too complicated and they just mess my head up ...

11-29-14, 06:20 PM
I'm back from visiting the family, I did it again - I barely slept the night I was there because I was thinking about whether to try to get somewhere to live there and forget about the house I'm currently living in and yet somehow I feel as if going back to that county ever in my life isn't a "safe" thing to do, I know I definitely don't feel happy staying in the house I grew up in (too many memories)

11-29-14, 06:44 PM
midnightstar, I think you need to say goodbye to those old memories,
both the bad and the good, and move on from where you are.

Yes, it's very difficult when you still love some of the family and need to stay
far-far away from some of the others.

When my ex and I separated, I pretty much said goodbye to all of his family.
I was so happy when his brother and wife came to visit me and my daughter
a few years later. And it's so great that we've reconnected on facebook.

My situation is somewhat different though as my ex died a year after the divorce
was final, and your dad is still alive and screwing with your heart. :grouphug:

11-29-14, 06:48 PM
The only reason I think you've given in favour of Yorkshire is that you were happy there at some time in the past.

Sounds to me as if you'll actually be UNhappy if you return, because of the people you know who are living there. I hope you decide not to go.

Definitely do not give your address to your biological dad's wife. She (or he) may invent lovely reasons why you should give it - in all cases, a polite firm "no" should be your complete answer. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into a conversation about it.

11-29-14, 07:09 PM
I've managed to block my biological dad on facebook and set my account so his wife can't see when I'm online, I've not responded to her last message that she left a few days ago.

I think one of the things that I miss about Yorkshire is the rescue I volunteered at, unfortunately because I was away from them for a few years when I went back there last year because I'd moved back near there temporarily and wanted to help there again, they didn't have the available volunteers to retrain me so they said I couldn't help out with the cats there any more but I started helping out at the open days.

Unfortunately round here I can't volunteer at a rescue because there's no rescue centres near enough for me to volunteer at and none of the rescues here are near enough to be able to transport foster animals to me.

I'm considering moving into the local city here just so I stand a fighting chance of getting full time work and being able to volunteer at a rescue.

11-29-14, 07:59 PM

Sorry things are rough for you at the moment x

11-29-14, 10:15 PM
nostalgia is a hard thing to fight with... we want things to be as we remember them, and they rarely are. go with your gut on this one though...

11-30-14, 03:42 AM
Star maybe a fresh start in a new place would be really good for you!

It's so strange to deal with nostalgia of places like that....when i would go back to the states, my mom lived in the exact same neighborhood where I grew up. except it was completely renovated, the houses on the old street all gone and a new shopping center. yet still all of the familiar landmarks.