View Full Version : I screwed up---big time


Khyliene
12-01-14, 03:23 AM
I don't know what's wrong with me. I messed up big time. This was my second attempt at this class (I dropped it last semester) and I couldn't even finish the freaking class. Today was finals day and I'm staring at these four essay finals questions like, "should I even bother?" (I am attending an eight week online class). :mad:

I totally flaked. I started falling behind and it just snowballed into this horrible mess. Now it's the end of the semester and I have nothing to show for it. Why do I do this to myself?? I'm not stupid or lazy! But it's like everytime I make this point to not fk up----I FK UP. :mad: :mad:

Okay. I think I am going to finish this final that was due three hours ago and turn it in even though I have not completed the two papers that was due. :(

Or, maybe I should just quit kidding myself and don't bother with the final essays. Just take the F and re enroll and take the class for the third time. Perhaps I shouldn't plan to not fk up and just plan to just not plan. :confused: :mad: because I know if I plan to not fk up, I'll just end up fking up.

I hate you, brain.
I hate you, ADHD.
I hate that I have conditioned myself to be this....God Knows What, because I sure can't figure it out.

ARRGHH!!! :doh: :(

Please, someone, anyone! HELP! Tell me I'm not the only one who has gone through this before.

I'm drowning.

Thank you. :mad:

dvdnvwls
12-01-14, 03:32 AM
You're not alone. I've been where you are, and so have many many of us.

Kidding yourself is what you're doing now, on this post. Do the essays, finish the course right now. It's massively kidding yourself, to think you'll do better next time. You won't. Get it over with, now.

Khyliene
12-01-14, 03:38 AM
You're not alone. I've been where you are, and so have many many of us.

Kidding yourself is what you're doing now, on this post. Do the essays, finish the course right now. It's massively kidding yourself, to think you'll do better next time. You won't. Get it over with, now.

Okay.....going to do the final. I know I will still have to take the class over again because I haven't done the other two writing assignments nor the class weekly posts. But doing the final is better than nothing at all.

You're right. And thank you so much!!! :)

Khyliene
12-01-14, 03:53 AM
Ah well, doesn't matter now. My time is up. I can be a real dummy you know that? Locked out of the exam because it's now 3 am est and it was due at midnight. I was still in the test even while typing up this post, but the option to submit greyed out.

*sigh* what is wrong with me?

I start on 40 mg of methylphenidate on Wednesday. I complained to my doctor about how I still stutter, forget words/where I'm going/where I'm at and how I stumble in my sentences. He told me the medication isn't a solve all, but it should help me while I get myself back on my feet. At least the damn noise in my head is quiet. Just everything else about my brain is crap.

I know what I have to do. I must get myself on a rhythm on a schedule and stick to it. I can't live all free to the wind like my DB can. I have to have a rigiment or else I will forget things or fall behind in my schoolwork and even at work work. I know if I do not fall under a simple yet productive pattern, I will slip back into chaos which ultimately leads me to this state: depression.

To make matters even better, the clinic at my base is trying to MEB me because they are claiming the "big Air Force doesn't know about my adhd"-----which is total crap. I told them when I was at meps. I have copies of my medical records that reflects I had indulged this information with the MEPs Doctor who wrote it in my records. I'm not the only person with adhd either yet I'm the only sucker who is getting MEBed (medical evaluation board). What does that mean? Oh, just that I might be forced out the military after serving for over eight years of dedicated service. My adhd isn't a problem until I run into crap like this: crap I can't resolve or control. Then it just leaks into all avenues of my life like my schoolwork. Now I have to fight these big wigs who suddenly are self proclaimed psychologists. If I get forced out, I wont be able to find anything in the real world that I can do. I'm good at my job, else I wouldn't be where I'm at today.

Anyway.

It's 2 am. I'm rambling. Im tired. I have work in the morning. Going to bed.

someothertime
12-01-14, 04:49 AM
sorry if this doesn't relate to you... but i thought i'd put it out there in case there is a chance it might help.

i recently did not complete two courses... one was finished although there were some "admin" issues... the other was quite a way through...

there were some very practical inhibitors that perhaps might be "alternatively approached" though the net of all compounded to have me circling my tail... moreso problematic, was when i NEEDED;

written, clear, outcomes and some minor liaison... the envolvement of the "facilitators" yeilded more "weight" in that it did not assist with the above...

ANYWAY... the reason i'm putting this out there for you... is that i know... that in order for me to even consider taking on these "areas" again... it would at minimum need to be at another training institution... optimally.... they would have a clear structure with informed trainers...... at best....... the traininers would be accomodating and give ongoing encouragement and feedback through the "sections"...

so..... have a think about any ways you can make this thing fresh.... break ( total ) for a year.... another institution.... another lecturer....... online....... tangential though similar topics... etc. etc. i might be wrong.... but i think the "freshness" will make all the difference....

Wire Mother
12-01-14, 02:45 PM
Are you getting/have you requested any sort of accommodation from the school?

Have you emailed/spoken to the instructor?

Is getting an Incomplete grade a possibility? My college allowed them under special circumstances, and only so many times during one's academic career, but that option saved me on a couple of occasions. I told my profs what was going on, showed them the work I already had done, and agreed to have everything completed by a certain date. All it did was buy me some time; I still had to do the work, and one prof docked me a full letter grade, but I at least managed to salvage that quarter and not have to re-take or make up for those courses. But if that's an option you can take advantage of, I strongly recommend completing the work as quickly as possible--if you take a break from it, getting back in the groove may be extremely difficult, or even impossible.

Khyliene
12-01-14, 10:47 PM
Are you getting/have you requested any sort of accommodation from the school?

Have you emailed/spoken to the instructor?

Is getting an Incomplete grade a possibility? My college allowed them under special circumstances, and only so many times during one's academic career, but that option saved me on a couple of occasions. I told my profs what was going on, showed them the work I already had done, and agreed to have everything completed by a certain date. All it did was buy me some time; I still had to do the work, and one prof docked me a full letter grade, but I at least managed to salvage that quarter and not have to re-take or make up for those courses. But if that's an option you can take advantage of, I strongly recommend completing the work as quickly as possible--if you take a break from it, getting back in the groove may be extremely difficult, or even impossible.

I ran out of time for this class so I have a failing grade. The next class begins in January and that's the soonest I can take it. I have twice in the past spoken with two different professors when I was struggling with staying on task and was granted 30 day extension for both classes. I was honest with them told them what was going on with me and they worked with me.

Sometimes I get ashamed and don't want to admit I'm in trouble. I try to resolve the issue on my own and then just end up making a huge mess out of everything by the end. Is it pride, I have no idea. But I am going to have my diagnosis paperwork sent to the university and see what accommodations are available for me. I already take one class a semester as it is because if I take more I drown under the course load and from working full time.

The semesters are eight weeks long so there is about seven semesters in a calendar year if each new class overlaps the ending class.

I feel foolish to let this happen. I know I can do better.

Pilgrim
12-02-14, 04:42 AM
What do you think the military will do with you?

spartan920
12-02-14, 05:38 AM
Maybe I could relate to this post of yours :O I have had a class for the past 3 terms that covers animating in flash, but i really couldn't finish this particular class for reasons unknown. I just don't know why, it might have been that the room was too tight-spaced (the last two terms were more spacious though), I didn't know anyone there, or maybe the activities were too darn many/just outright hard to do. This has went on for a long time and I still have trouble getting along with this flash class. Really frustrating!! :(

RobboW
12-02-14, 06:05 AM
I reckon the usual thing, other than ADHD lack of organisation is simply procrastination due to lack of interest.

I find if not interested, I might as well be trying to climb Mt Everest in shorts and T shirt. Won't get there.

Khyliene
12-02-14, 09:02 PM
What do you think the military will do with you?

Honestly? They will either just decide at the MEB board it's a waste of time to even bother kicking me out and just let the matter slide, or, it would escalate and they medically retire me.