View Full Version : :( How to stop depression? (just me throwing a stupid pity party for myself)


psychopathetic
12-04-14, 08:18 PM
I find myself yet again staring at this damned screen after deleting everything I had typed.

Words just seem so inadequate. Everything I type just turns into a jumbled rant. Pointless.

I find myself at the edge. Haven't been this close in years and I don't know what to do.

I've locked myself into my apartment. I do get out about once a week to go play a game with people...it's the one thing in life right now keeping me going. But it's unhealthy (the amount of obsessing I do over it...and the amount of debt I keep putting myself in for it) and I'm starting to bore of it.

This is the first year I've spent thanksgiving alone. It's always been my favorite holiday as an adult.
This will be my first year I'll be spending christmas alone. But that's okay. I'm sick of christmas (my parents have made me quite bitter for christmas over the years) and I have ZERO christmas spirit anyhow.

I'm angry and I don't know why.
I'm always tired.
I think I must be gaining massive amounts of weight. I keep stuffing my damned face to the point of making myself sick (I'm a type 1 diabetic which doesn't help).
I have no one to talk to. My therapist is a ***** and can kiss my ***. She looks down on me and doesn't even try to understand anymore. I'm done with her.
Haven't talked to my mom or dad in over a month now. I use to hang with them daily...but man they're such a black hole in my life. So dysfunctional. I got into a fight with my mom at the end of october...I ended up exploding...almost blacked out I was so angry...and haven't spoken to them since. They can kiss my *** too. I even blocked their phone number cause I was freaking sick of my mom leaving messages.

It's just...
I don't know what the point is guys?
It feels like it's all ******* pointless. I'm just a piece of ****. It's written in the books. There's no chance of changing it. It just is what it is.
So many years I've wanted to do something more with my life. To find a nice job or something.
But I'm a ******* quitter. It's hardwired in me. I'll never amount to anything.
A few people are pushing for me to get back into college and finishing my degree.
What's the point though?
I've already tried college. Loved it at first, got bored with it, then struggled pretty hard with it...and quit.
It's stupid. I'm stupid. Nothing's changed. I'm still the same person. I'll just quit again.
And even if by some miracle I did finish college. What then? I've no hope of actually finding a career I'd actually like. I'd just quit.
I've tried working and I quit within a freaking week.

I'm just too ******* lazy and stupid.

I'm sick of it guys. I'm sick of me. I'm sick. I'm sickness. I am sickness :(

My life right now is so unhealthy. I stay up all day and all night trying like crazy to find something to obsess on. It's in my obsessions that I can escape this inner sadness that is ever growing. Spreading. Deepening.
And then I sleep. It might be at 10pm, it might be at 8am....it might be at 2pm. There is no schedule. There is no regularity. Only it's very restless and I only get a few hours of sleep at a time. Wake up...depressed and groggy and desperate to escape it all.
And that's my day. Day after day. It makes me feel like such a horrid disgusting human. I'm such a **** up.

I need escape. I need...I don't know what I need.
I need to cry. :(


This ramble should be deleted. Meh.
I'll probably be fine. One of these days I'll get a solid night's sleep and wake up and be fine.
It happens sometimes.

I need to get out. How do I step out of this loop? It seems so easy. All I need to do is make some changes.
But I don't know how.
Sounds so stupid.

I needed to throw a pity party. I'm sorry guys.
I'll be fine.
I'm just...I'm just really ****** up right now.
It has me worried. I think I'll be fine as long as I have something to obsess on...but my current obsession is starting to bore me. That scares me. I'm not sure I can handle the boredom right now.

BellaVita
12-04-14, 08:59 PM
(((((((((((((((((PSYCHO))))))))))))))))))))

I can too easily relate to your feelings. :(

It really hurts, and yeah life does often feel pointless.

Can you talk to your doctor about adding a sleep medication? Or reviewing your meds?

Lack of sleep can really affect your outlook on things.

At least that how it is for me.

Also sucks about the therapist, it is hard to find someone good. I say drop her, maybe take a break from therapy and clear your head. And then, if you still want, find someone new.

Sorry you're so miserable, I wish there was something I could do. :grouphug:

BellaVita
12-04-14, 09:03 PM
By the way, are the "rules" of society and what they think is "normal" getting you down?

Life doesn't have to be about conforming to society, bending to their rules to make *them* happy.

It's about making YOU happy.

I myself sleep at weird times (often go to sleep at 5am-7am), also have weird obsessions, don't get out much.

I don't care what others think.

That's who I am, that's how I function, that's what makes me feel good.

In the past, pressure to conform to society and feeling "bad" compared to everyone else has really got me down.

You're your own person, screw comparing yourself to others.

It's not worth it.

YOU are worth it.

Forget about the world if the world isn't who you are.

willow129
12-04-14, 09:28 PM
I really wonder about you not getting enough sleep. I wonder if it would help, like you say. You said you have a sleep disorder right? I just know that when I don't get enough sleep I feel depressed too....

Little Missy
12-04-14, 09:48 PM
I'm very glad you came on here to share what you are going through, I've missed you greatly. You helped me through some of my hardest months when I moved back here. You always cheered me up, made up nick-names for me and all of us. This is just a phase and this too will pass, it really and truly will.

Deep down you know what you need to do. Try the 30 day plan. Whatever it is you want to quit or change take one thing and change it for 30 days. If you blow one day then get back on and ride it out. Thirty days has worked for me with many, many things. Only the first 5 days are tough, after that the power becomes you.

And I will tell you a secret. I spent Thanksgiving totally alone too and lied to everyone about it.

I care. A lot.

stef
12-05-14, 01:46 AM
Psycho!!!!!
posting all of that was a first step, even if you can't see that yet...:grouphug:

Pilgrim
12-05-14, 04:35 AM
What's a 'pity party'?

BellaVita
12-05-14, 04:40 AM
What's a 'pity party'?

I think it's something people say when they think someone is whining, going on about themselves and how bad their life is. Or something.

But like in an annoying way.

Pilgrim
12-05-14, 04:55 AM
I like the term and have heard it before. But it's not part of the vernacular here.

Thankyou Bella

psychopathetic
12-11-14, 12:58 PM
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

You guys are all so wonderful and sweet and kind.

I'm much better this last week though still not where I'd like to be.

I almost feel like apologizing for my above post cause it was so down and negative. I just needed a release though...a vent.

I do hope I didn't worry anyone too much.

Anyhow, I really do love you guys and these forums. I feel so lucky to have this place and you guys to fall back on when I need it.

Thank you guys <3

:grouphug:

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS TO ALL)))))))))))))))))))))