View Full Version : Who else feels like they have to chase their SO to spend time with them?


Greengrasshoppe
12-07-14, 07:39 PM
It gets exhausting...

Greengrasshoppe
12-08-14, 05:11 PM
No one?

Pilgrim
12-08-14, 06:09 PM
What's a SO?

BellaVita
12-08-14, 07:14 PM
What's a SO?

Significant other.

Sorry to hear you're going through that, OP.

I don't feel like I have to do a lot if any chasing with my boyfriend, but we *both* have ADHD so perhaps we don't notice each other not paying attention so much.

RobboW
12-08-14, 09:11 PM
I'm sure my wife feels she has to chase after me for attention, but after 21 years she's used to it and it doesn't deter her from trying. The other day she came to find me, wearing very little, so her intention was pretty clear, lol.

The message is that it doesn't mean your SO is not interested, you just need to get their attention fast. Being subtle is pointless, and allow a little time for them to mentally change gear.

VeryTired
12-08-14, 09:51 PM
I have this problem also. I guess the advice to try to get our partners' attention is helpful. It certainly makes sense.

But I think the underlying problem is that it can be exhausting or alienating to feel that one has to do all this work alone. It feels good if one's partner seeks one out to spend time together, or if when one approaches one's partner he or she is responsive. If one's partner can't do that, it makes an imbalance in the relationship that isn't always comfortable or sustainable.

Greengrasshoppe, I wish I had advice for you about how to make it feel OK. But I don't! All I can offer is that I am pretty sure I know how you feel, and I send my sympathy. Maybe other people will contribute ideas for what you and I can do to be more comfortable with what we find difficult, as opposed to the good suggestions we already have from RobboW about actually getting our partner's attention.

RobboW
12-09-14, 12:26 AM
Always keep in mind, ho hum everyday stuff doesn't capture the attention of an ADDer. We respond to interesting visual stimuli a lot faster. You can place things in the house that may start conversation etc, prompting your SO's interaction by curiosity.

dvdnvwls
12-09-14, 04:31 AM
To Normal People In Relationships With ADHDers:

Sometimes, to be perfectly honest, we are afraid of you.

Too often, when my ex saw herself "having to do all this work alone" [i.e. getting my attention and bringing the two of us together], it was for me a much too realistic cat-and-mouse game, where I felt anxious and threatened, and was (almost literally) looking for a hole in the wall to escape into. This wasn't because I didn't love her - I did - but because I knew that if I was caught, the agenda for the "meeting" I would wind up attending was one that I couldn't handle.

I don't think every situation is like this; I do want to alert others that the possibility exists. Your SO may be afraid that if you do succeed in getting the two of you together, you're going to expect answers or results on an anxiety-producing (or downright painful) topic.

RobboW
12-09-14, 04:37 AM
^^^^^^ This is true.

NT's need to be sensitive as to how they approach a subject.

To me, many NT people seem to really lack a sense of gravity with possibly confronting conversations. It's like they are desensitised and numb.

Chuck a big subject into a casual conversation, take you off gaurd and expect a considered response. This will not happen. The ADDer will usually forget, fight or fright.

BellaVita
12-09-14, 04:43 AM
^^^^^^ This is true.

NT's need to be sensitive as to how they approach a subject.

To me, many NT people seem to really lack a sense of gravity with possibly confronting conversations. It's like they are desensitised and numb.

Chuck a big subject into a casual conversation, take you off gaurd and expect a considered response. This will not happen. The ADDer will usually forget, fight or fright.

Yes. :goodpost:

And what an NT might think is sensitive, may still set the ADHD'er off.

So like, even if you *think* you're being sensitive, go as many levels as it takes to get to SUPER sensitive.

Our feelings can get hurt way easier than you realize, we can get anxious way more than you imagined, and can become angry very fast.

RobboW
12-09-14, 05:03 AM
Yes.

Our feelings can get hurt way easier than you realize, we can get anxious way more than you imagined, and can become angry very fast.

This was me as a child. That is what I see in some of my children.

We tend to distance ourselves as a filter to hurt. We live with a lot of internal hurt from realising our inadequacies and know this is it, it won't get better, we are not normal. NT people are like holding up a mirror showing our failings. We end up sinking into our internal world. We can interact with "normal", but at a cost. It's exhausting and then we need to retreat and recuperate.
Sounds dramatic, but that's the raw truth!

RobboW
12-09-14, 05:07 AM
I'm hoping by this thread, NT partners might realise it is NOT a one way street and you suffer all the hurt. Our lives are hurt. We are faulty and there is NO respite from it. You can go and interact with other normal people, we can only be ADHD and always feel the lack, knowing it cannot be changed.

VeryTired
12-09-14, 09:28 AM
This is so painful, isn't it? We are exploring situations where both parties feel a lot of hurt and don't have easily available tools to make each other or themselves feel better. And the stakes are high. And the problem is not related to misunderstanding or lack of consideration--it actually comes from both people's basic natures. This is about a particular kind of abrasive incompatibility between good people who really care about each other.

dvdnvwls, I hear the ring of truth in what you are saying. It makes me so sad for you, and also for my partner, whom I am pretty sure has the same experience sometimes with me. I hate this. You are so effective at saying hard things like this really clearly, and fairly. I value that hugely, but the truth remains that we are talking about something awful.

I also feel for greengrassheoppe, and know the sting of pain I feel myself sometimes in these situations. I think RobboW makes a good point about the difficulties and abraded sensitivities of the ADHD partners, and the non-ADHD partners need to be aware of that. But what both sets of partners are saying almost mirrors each others' complaints. It really is a two-way street. I mean, it looks like everyone ends up feeling very similar pain, and everyone is failing to get acknowledgment and sympathy from their partners about this.

sarahsweets
12-10-14, 06:09 AM
I don't think this only applies to an nt-adhd relationship. My husband and I are both adhd and we've both felt this way at some point.

RobboW
12-10-14, 06:12 AM
I don't think this only applies to an nt-adhd relationship. My husband and I are both adhd and we've both felt this way at some point.

Yes, I get it with my children too, so I understand, but from both sides, sort of as much as an ADDer can, lol, and dealing with my dad. Undiagnosed and over 70 years old. Talk about ingrained habits :doh:

Pentax
12-10-14, 08:38 AM
Who else feels like they have to chase their SO to spend time with them?It gets exhausting...

I'll bet it does get exhausting.

My husband and I arent having that difficulty...it likely proves that not all ADHD people are alike...instead he and i are at work on him setting his own schedule without consulting me about the shared things he wants us to do and then having some trouble when I cant fulfill what he decided for us because I have a work need or had planned something with someone else. We've been working on this one for a couple years. At first i gave up my own scheduled needs...it seemed like he was so locked in on his self determined schedule that we'd have no time together if I didnt

Comments by people with ADHD on this site and some Youtube clips led me to understand better that he was managing his ADHD with that schedule that he locked into and had to pursue, without change or negotiation with me once he had it set in his mind. he's told me that its very disturbing to him and blows his whole day if his schedule gets aborted or something on it changes

But I have a life, needs and need accommodation too. It took me taking action about my own needs, not giving up on them, and it took a lot of goodwilled talk coming from both of us, but he now starts by telling me what he wants to do with me, if its during daytime, and i do those things when I can, but he accepts my work commitments and time for myself a lot better than he did. And i propose more things than I was proposing, early before he locks in his day, and some we do but he now feels free in declining, He still has a very strong commitment to his day and his way... And I've showed up in the relation more, regarding speaking up about when I want to or can be with him.

For us, the co deciding has to happen before he locks into the sequence he needs to follow

Evenings dont have the scheduling issue in them.

GGH, I've been thinking about you with sympathy. Just asking, that's all. Could the problem be a scheduling thing? That like some on the site say, once the attention is locked in and intention is focused on other activity, that a proposal to interrupt that is disturbing? It took me a lot of headscratching to find the time in the day when mine wasnt locked onto what he intended, and it took good will on his part to accommodate my scheduling.

Greengrasshoppe
12-14-14, 07:17 PM
Thanks everyone for your input and POVs.

Greengrasshoppe
12-14-14, 07:19 PM
Pentax, yes scheduling might be a factor. Good pt.

RobboW
12-14-14, 08:22 PM
I think part of the scheduling thing is managing conflicting interests with a poor sense of time line. I'm at the beach right now with my three girls, they didn't all want to do the same thing so I put off doing anything. Once all wanted the beach, I got moving. My wife is off working. She would have had it sorted fast, albeit with arguments (kids all seem add to different extents).

duckotaco
12-30-14, 04:55 PM
That's the nature of the issue here. Yes it's exhausting, thus you shouldn't do it. Stop chasing. Stop wanting to spend time. Leave them alone. People with these disturbances are impossible to be dealt with. Why would you torment yourself? It's nor your fault, maybe it's theirs, who knows. Just don't force yourself and don't waste energies "chasing" them - it's not worth it.

Compassion doesn't mean sacrificing yourself to others. Leave them alone, while you're not expected to do anything.

Then if you NEED them and don't know to be alone, it's your problem. One must learn to not need anything or anyone. It's called independence.

mamaluv
01-05-15, 07:45 PM
I think part of the scheduling thing is managing conflicting interests with a poor sense of time line..

Yes! And difficulty for my ADHD guy to compromise. I am willing to try his hobbies and interests but he is reluctant to try my interests.

Greengrasshoppe
01-05-15, 08:30 PM
That's the nature of the issue here. Yes it's exhausting, thus you shouldn't do it. Stop chasing. Stop wanting to spend time. Leave them alone. People with these disturbances are impossible to be dealt with. Why would you torment yourself? It's nor your fault, maybe it's theirs, who knows. Just don't force yourself and don't waste energies "chasing" them - it's not worth it.

Compassion doesn't mean sacrificing yourself to others. Leave them alone, while you're not expected to do anything.

Then if you NEED them and don't know to be alone, it's your problem. One must learn to not need anything or anyone. It's called independence.

Well that's an uplifting post.

BellaVita
01-05-15, 10:56 PM
Well that's an uplifting post.

I was thinking the same thing. :lol:

Pheonix
01-06-15, 08:14 PM
Oh yeah....ive been feeling this for sooo long...yet when i mention it ...its faced with denial....and im at my whits end about it....

:confused::confused::confused:

BellaVita
01-07-15, 01:56 AM
I sometimes wonder if this could be more of a compatibility issue than an ADHD issue.

I had to chase my ex (who is NT) FAR more than I have to chase my current boyfriend, which, is little if nothing at all. (Who DOES have ADHD)

I also know of many successful ADHD-ADHD relationships on here, who are very interested in each other and successful.

And I know other NT-NT relationships IRL who had "the chasing problem" - it had to do more with each individual and their personalities than any mental problems.