Someone help me please! My wife thinks I'm possessed by the un-careing devil and I think I'm this careing person who is always thinking of ways to be a good husband. I dont think I know how to actually show care. I'm taking adderall and prozac but my mind jumps from place to place and I cant seem to make sense of what people say to me at times, it's almost like my wife is speaking a different language. I need some ideas on how to cope with her constant rage (24/7) and any advice about learning to hear and understand what is said to me.

If your wife is really in a constant rage then the difficulties you have communicating can't all be your fault! I'm afraid I've no experience with medications (yet!), but my guess is that with a stimulant and an anti-depressant to address concentration problems and general inhibitions on your part, you should be able to find some way to communicate (given that you want to) with anyone who is open to it - they might not give you the means to overcome the anxiety which blocks you when confronted with rage. Maybe you need to try to persuade your wife (just this can be very hard, though, I know) to take the time to sit down and try to talk calmly through some issues. Don't give yourself or let her (or anyone else) give you ALL the blame for the problem!

It's hard to give further comment without more detail. I would say that you should try a 'third way' that is neither rising to her rage, nor submitting to (or running from) it - you have to calmly refuse to accept it (the rage, not necessarily the issues behind it -these presumably are what needs to be discussed). This should be something you express, though don't go crazy, or think you've failed, if she won't immediately acknowledge it.

Regarding hearing and understanding, just try to listen (in whatever way you can - trying to try is good enough!) to her, and then try to find a way to get SOME reaction across, it could be any of: what you have understood/have not understood/why you were unable to concentrate (stay situation-specific)/etc.

It's very convenient if you understand something straight off, but more common - and completely excusable - if it takes a few questions and answers to get there. Someone on this forum said, or quoted, something about it (at least according to a particular therapeutic methodology) being the speaker's responsibility to ensure that their message gets across - quite a good practical approach I think. This means you can't blame someone if they don't know what you mean - equally, you can't blame someone if they don't know that you don't know what they mean (needing clarification is itself a 'message' to be communicated).

Good luck! (and welcome to the Forums, I'm new here myself).

Jonathan.

Originally posted by bear46
Someone help me please! My wife thinks I'm possessed by the un-careing devil and I think I'm this careing person who is always thinking of ways to be a good husband. I dont think I know how to actually show care...it's almost like my wife is speaking a different language. I need some ideas on how to cope with her constant rage (24/7) and any advice about learning to hear and understand what is said to me.

Jonathan has some great points. Effective communication seems to be a vital foundation to any relationship--romantic, employment, platonic, familial....

I am NOT a counselor (yet), so please take my 2 cents however you feel most comfortable, but I really feel the theory I'm about to share is a valid one. It sounds like the two of you might not be able to communicate in each other's "love language." Now before you dismiss this as a pretty hokey post, there is an EXCELLENT book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that you might consider reading. I'll try not to get too detailed (ha ha), but the premise is as follows:

Every human has a primary Love Language "LL," and when a significant other is "spoken to" in their LL, they will feel fulfilled and loved. Generally, the way a person prefers to receive love is the same way they tend to give/show love. (A person whose primary LL is Gifts might always give little gifts [expensive or not, homemade or not, little love notes, flowers often for no reason, whatever....] to his/her significant other. The way this same person would likely feel most loved is when s/he receives gifts from a SO.)

The 5 types: Acts of Service; Quality Time; Gifts; Words of Affirmation; Physical Touch (not just sex). Go to this website http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/thefivelovelanguages/index.html Clicking on each type found in the thick blue horizontal bar across the top of the screen will explain further a little bit about each type.

So for example, if a wife's primary LL is Acts of Service, she'll feel loved if her husband does things for her, which could be anything--the best source of ideas would be from her, especially if the husband feels like she "nags" him to do stuff all the time. (take out the trash, fix the sink like you said you would, help me with the flower garden, etc.) By his doing those things for her without being asked (*and without griping about it*), she'll feel like he is loving her with each act of service.

If Acts of Service is the husband's primary LL, he may feel more of his wife's love if she makes an effort to keep an 'agreed upon level' of a clean house (I know this can be a point of contention when there's an ADD wife involved), when she makes him his favorite meals without his asking, remembering to get her car serviced on schedule...generally, whatever he may be nagging her about doing (or not doing).

The thing is, with this theory of spousal love, effective communication is extremely important, especially if neither spouse has the same primary LL, which is often the case. One or both may have to be taught by the other how each would feel most loved. This involves (1) knowing what would make you feel most loved, (2) being able to tell that to your spouse, AND (3) the both of you being open and willing to learn to speak a LL that might not be very familiar. It's an ongoing process, but one that's worth it, I think.

I also acknowledge that there are more than "love language issues" at work in your relationship, namely the ADHD. I truly hope for the best for you!

smoo

Hi

It takes two so if she's raging there may also be a problem with her brain. I can understand that communication thing (happens to me all the time). ADD and Romance by Jonathon Scott Haverstadt is a really good and easy to implement book.

Hey Bear,

I can understand what you are saying. You will also find that you are not alone in your situation. That will go a long way to finding support and maybe some understanding. I know alot of couples that have gone through the same situation. You didn't go into much detail but I am just summizing and guessing it might be the same thing. The first thing is to seek out support. Coming here might have been your first step..I dunno? I can understand your frustration....and I can understand your wifes frustrations too. I don't have ADD but my partner does. Once I did some reading..and learning it really helped me alot. I don't have a short fuse and I am a very patient person. The mix of the adderol and prozac can be mind fogging I am sure. All I can say is try and cope the best you can..and maybe find some sort of a "real life" support program for you both. I sure hope you can find some sort of way to better your situation..there is help out there.

I've also read the Five Love Languages and recommend it.

Dr. Amen's book that I am reading says that there is almost no greater stress on a relationship than one or more family members with ADD and a great number of marriages fail because of it (untreated).

All I can suggest is that all you can do is work on yourself, and try not to let her anger cut you where it counts. I know that's not easy. I hate it when my wife is mad at me. But it sounds like she doesn't understand what you are going through, or maybe she is one of those people who thinks ADD is something you just need to smarten up and grow out of... (oh the pain of people like that...)

If she loves you, maybe she would agree to read a book or two on it? For that to help, you will have to be able to recommend at least one that has a lot of anecdotes in it that ring true to you... maybe that will give her a better understanding of who you are...