View Full Version : Anxiety, Grief, a bit of PTSD and new diagnosed ADHD


JenBen
12-14-14, 06:35 AM
Hi,

I am not sure where to put this so please move my thread if you think it is in the wrong place.

I'm having a bit of a bumpy time now. Has been one hell of a year. I have been trying to understand what is going on with me emotionally but it is confusing as there is a big mix of all different things all going on at the same time.

First I have been under ALOT of stress for years running my own business as a contractor while also being a Mum of kids. I have been borderline burnt out for ages.

Then I had the horrific experience of finding my Mum had died in her sleep, completely unexpectedly at 59. I went to take her out for lunch, realised something was wrong and broke into her house, tried to do CPR on her even through I knew she was gone. Was so stressed I sent the ambulance to my house instead of hers...at least it was too late to make a difference and only lived 11 houses away.

My Mum was my best friend. The hole she left is bottomless.

Then my rather rocky relationship with my sister went completely south, her abusive partner actually threatened me, had months of abusive emails as we tried to sort my Mums estate out.

Then after finally finished sorting all my Mums stuff out and selling her house I wanted to move so we had to sell our house and buy another one.

Then my son was diagnosed with ADHD, which made me look into it and realise I have it too, got myself diagnosed, starting Ritalin but couldn't tolerate it at all, it was working but my stress levels went through the roof. Dr convinced me to try Prozac but am only on a tiny dose.

I started on 2.5mg of prozac which put me in bed for two weeks! Couldn't believe it could affect me so badly at a 1/8th dose. Was taking 1x tab of Ritalin while the prozac was kicking in (I couldn't sleep again when I stopped).

Now I am on 5mg of prozac a day and 2x tab of Ritalin. Which is working ok. I do feel less stressed, my head if much clearer, the staic is mostly gone. I am still having stupid days where I do everything wrong (lost parking ticket and turning up to a school picnic platter in hand a week early) but mostly things seem to be improving. Been 35 days since I started the Prozac, was on 2.5mg for the first 8 days then 5mg after that.

Its been a year since that dreadful day when I lost my Mum, I still have some flashbacks and I freak out when I find people asleep, like I think they are dead... but mostly I feel flat now. I don't really want to do anything, have no motivation to work.

I realise that I don't know how to relax either. Still miss her dreadfully.

This is a very compressed version of what has been going on but it is hard to work out what is anxiety, what is ptsd, what is grief, what is adhd and what is depression. One of my doctors thought I was depressed but I don't feel depressed all the time, am a yoyo, fine one day and not the next.

So I am not sure where to go to from here...
Not sure what I want from you all but I keep reading your posts and wanted to share.

Little Missy
12-14-14, 09:10 AM
I am totally able to empathize with you. :( Both of my parents died in my arms.
What I am able to offer is that with time the PTSD will subside a bit.

It is always about time. You sincerely have my sympathies.

JenBen
12-14-14, 09:02 PM
Thanks Little Missy. The PTSD is alot better then it was, very few flashbacks now unless triggered and I sleep most nights now with the medication. I wonder if that was why both the Ritalin and the Prozac made me so tired to start off with - as before I have been averaging only 5 hrs of broken sleep a night since it happened, everytime I lay down to go to bed there was no distractions so I would start to think about it. I think I have basically been running on manic adrendaline. Take that away and my body was bone tired.

Little Missy
12-14-14, 10:17 PM
Yes, it is that never ending reel-to-reel that continues to replay what happened and the flashbacks that continue to crop up, but it is starting to wane slowly with me. I still have my moments or days but it I can honestly say it is getting better. Slowly. I am in the acceptance stage now. Sort of.

Little Missy
12-14-14, 10:18 PM
And definitely remember the fun! Always remember the fun.

JenBen
12-14-14, 10:36 PM
"Remember the fun" thats the sad part about it all, I can remember my Mum with great love and happiness in the company of others, talking about what she did and how amazing she was, but by myself I can't currently think about her at all without getting really upset. She was a fun person full of love and energy. The memory of her death shouldn't overwhelm the memory of her life and yet it does. There is also the overwhelming sense of loss when I think of her, I do think of her 100's of times a day but I try to let the thought pass through without dwelling on it or I will get upset again. I am trying to honour her memory in otherways. I inherited about 30 pot plants and now have taken up gardening despite not being very good at it! On the recent 1 year anniversery of her death I brought a dwarf mango tree. She loved mangoes. I think I am finally getting to the acceptance stage (in the last few weeks...) but my heart is very stubborn. It doesn't want to let go. Ahhh just keep moving forward day by day.