View Full Version : Blurting Things Out Vicious Cycle


jende2
12-19-14, 10:34 PM
I haven't posted in awhile. Things are actually better at my house. Boyfriend is taking Vyvanse with an Adderall booster daily, and is very mindful of taking his meds. He is going to therapy once a week. We have gone as a couple once, with another session upcoming. I have gone by myself twice, with another appointment upcoming.

This keeps showing up as a vicious circle though: He is still blurting out hurtful things, and then apologizes.

I have told him a million times how much it hurts my feelings that he does this, but no matter. It continues.

Any wise words for me? I realize that is a hallmark of ADHD, but really - I'm getting tired of it. As always, thanks in advance!

BellaVita
12-19-14, 10:43 PM
Yes, it is a common symptom of ADHD.

He may never be able to fully control the blurting things out.

It may just have to be a part of him you accept.

Don't try to change him.

He's already in therapy and on medication, these are huge steps!

You must realize, that all of the medication and therapy in the world won't necessarily change him.

Also if he is apologizing, that obviously means he cares.

Some guys don't apologize at all, ADHD or not!

Are you willing to stay with him if he doesn't change?

jende2
12-19-14, 10:51 PM
Bella -

Unfortunately, lately my answer to your question would have to be "no".

BellaVita
12-19-14, 10:53 PM
Then I would seriously consider breaking up with him, to save you and him both from the agonizing pain of him not changing into what you want him to be.

jende2
12-19-14, 11:03 PM
Thank you for your wise words. Sadly, I think that is what is going to have to happen.

daveddd
12-19-14, 11:21 PM
So he just randomly blurts out mean things

Or is this an anger issue

jende2
12-19-14, 11:26 PM
Dave -

Good point! He has anger issues, he will admit to that/knows this about himself, and is currently working on this with the therapist. But, gosh! So many mean things are directed at me......

daveddd
12-19-14, 11:37 PM
"The mindfulness prescription for adhd" has some excellent do it urself anger management exercises designed specifically for adhd

daveddd
12-19-14, 11:38 PM
https://books.google.com/books?id=nyaobFUD2BUC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Mindfulness+adhd&hl=en&output=html_text&sa=X&ei=Au-UVL_oIdCMsQSKyoG4BA&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAA

BellaVita
12-19-14, 11:40 PM
Is he only diagnosed with ADHD?

VeryTired
12-20-14, 01:15 AM
Jende--

Its good to hear the good news you shared.

But one of the hard things about living through an ADHD partner's struggles to manage his disability is the realization that maybe despite his work and progress and growth and both of your learning, maybe that's not enough and you're not OK with how things are. Its really hard to get to the other side of all the confusion, drama, struggle, suffering growth and feel like you're not OK, you're not getting what you need, it's not OK.

If that's how it is, though--as you already indicated, you know what you'll need to do. But maybe that's not the only possibility. Maybe your boyfriend really can't stop blurring things out, and this isn't every going to change. But what if he can learn to apologize quickly, acknowledge your feelings and do whatever is necessary to make amends? Would that be enough to make things bearable for you? If so, maybe that's something he can work on.

Good luck with everything-keep us posted of how it goes for you--

dvdnvwls
12-20-14, 04:06 AM
There are several good possibilities, some of which have already been mentioned, some others the two of you might be able to come up with.

Does he know that this is the biggest thing causing problems right now, and that you really might leave him if it continues the same?

ADHD is weird, and therefore what I'm about to say may sound horrible and unfair, but please trust me when I say it isn't: What can you do to help prevent this? It's really very hard to believe that a guy with ADHD would randomly do this to someone. Honestly, it takes too much energy and effort to be worth continuing.

It's reasonable to expect that he's being accidentally provoked over and over by some thing(s) that you do. It's also possible that those things might be things you could stop doing. In some cases that isn't possible - if he lashes out every time you do something that you can't possibly avoid doing, then of course he'll have to learn to stop lashing out - but if you can save this situation by stopping something that never mattered anyway, it might be more than worth it. ADHD requires creative and unique solutions sometimes.

Fuzzy12
12-20-14, 07:06 AM
Are those things accidentally or inadvertently hurtful, or more ignorant or stupid or are they things that he knows would hurt anyone? Does he really say mean things ALL the time?

In that case, I'm wondering, impulse control or not, why does he have so many mean thoughts about you?

Pentax
12-20-14, 08:24 AM
I haven't posted in awhile. Things are actually better at my house. Boyfriend is taking Vyvanse with an Adderall booster daily, and is very mindful of taking his meds. He is going to therapy once a week. We have gone as a couple once, with another session upcoming. I have gone by myself twice, with another appointment upcoming.

This keeps showing up as a vicious circle though: He is still blurting out hurtful things, and then apologizes.

I have told him a million times how much it hurts my feelings that he does this, but no matter. It continues.

Any wise words for me? I realize that is a hallmark of ADHD, but really - I'm getting tired of it. As always, thanks in advance!

Jende, welcome back. I hope the best for both of you.

Pentax
12-20-14, 08:34 AM
What can you do to help prevent this? It's really very hard to believe that a guy with ADHD would randomly do this to someone. Honestly, it takes too much energy and effort to be worth continuing.

It's reasonable to expect that he's being accidentally provoked over and over by some thing(s) that you do. It's also possible that those things might be things you could stop doing. In some cases that isn't possible - if he lashes out every time you do something that you can't possibly avoid doing, then of course he'll have to learn to stop lashing out - but if you can save this situation by stopping something that never mattered anyway, it might be more than worth it. ADHD requires creative and unique solutions sometimes.

I agree that lashing out when it happens is a response to something.

It was an eye opener to me in another thread to read people with Adhd propose that blurted hurtful words could be catalyzed by something inside the blurter. Several chimed in on that

So an outside stimulus, something that Jende or I were doing or not doing, isnt the only option to consider if one's looking for what catalyzed the hurtful words.

daveddd
12-20-14, 09:04 AM
I agree that lashing out when it happens is a response to something.

It was an eye opener to me in another thread to read people with Adhd propose that blurted hurtful words could be catalyzed by something inside the blurter. Several chimed in on that

So an outside stimulus, something that Jende or I were doing or not doing, isnt the only option to consider if one's looking for what catalyzed the hurtful words.

id guess most of the time the original source of the action, isn't the other person

or if it is, its likely a massive overreaction due to something already brewing

Pentax
12-20-14, 09:08 AM
Are those things accidentally or inadvertently hurtful, or more ignorant or stupid or are they things that he knows would hurt anyone? Does he really say mean things ALL the time?

In that case, I'm wondering, impulse control or not, why does he have so many mean thoughts about you?

Fuzzy, this kind of thing hasnt happened often between me and my SO, at least so far, and oh, my I hope we dont go through many more, because I have my own reasons from my own past to be brokenhearted at being labeled with such terrible things, when I was not doing or thinking those terrible things.

I was stuck for a very long time right where your last sentence names, presuming that the labels of me meant that he really believed all those names he put on my character and intentions. It was strange, I couldnt put together the sudden blurting of hurtful things with his personality. He's not an intentional harmer. But the labels didnt fit me, either.

I have a good handle on when I'm being mean and when I'm not. I grew up with a parent who would do sudden vicious attacks, project, manipulate, hide, nurse vengeance and drummed it into me that I oughtn't be alive at all. As I grew, my mental health and growth as a person depended on developing a reliable ability to know when I screwed up, and in those cases do something to put right my screwups, apologize, make amends, change my behavior at times change both underlying attitude and behavior. But i also needed to develop a reliable ability to discern it when it was a problem of my accuser, not of me, that no I hadnt made her feel what she said I made her feel, that no I hadnt screwed up at all, that what was really going on was that she wasnt handling herself well, and was taking it out on someone nearby.

But I've got the old residual, after growing up with a borderline parent who had more comorbids, to begin by suffering at untrue labels of me by someone I care about.

All I can say is that it was a relief to read about hypersensitivity, itself, and to read a few with ADHD on this site discuss how they tackle their own internal triggers.

I dont know where the targeted, mean words come from. Nowadays I 'm trying to figure out whether the triggers for these rare events at our house are things like his level of stress, how tired he is, whether he's anxious, and how much alcohol he's been consuming. Two or three of those are always present. He and I have talked about these things. If things like that are contributors to the blurt, they need to be dealt with

Pentax
12-20-14, 09:24 AM
Dave -

Good point! He has anger issues, he will admit to that/knows this about himself, and is currently working on this with the therapist. But, gosh! So many mean things are directed at me......

Much sympathy for you both, Jende.

Yes, it's the directed at, and the words themselves. I've really racked my brain to know what's going on really.

I dont know if this helps, I really dont know, but it was an eyeopener to read a therapist who specializes in Aspergers, not Adhd, some years ago remark that at times people with AS, use words for their interpersonal effect, not for their content. We people do that, regardless of who we are. We people sometimes use words as levers, to get things...to be left alone, to be paid attention to....

The darn thing is, though, words do have content and once said their content has its own effect...

Here's a hug.

jende2
12-20-14, 10:31 AM
Thanks to all of you for your replies. I really appreciate it!

I will try to answer some of your questions as best as I can......

My BF has been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD tendencies.

He claims that living with me "drives him crazy". Now, I know that I am not a saint, but I feel that I DO try to coexist with him in a respectful manner. He has some ADHD things that I try to abide by - refrigerator and cabinets have to be organized in a certain way. Fine, I do that. He doesn't like clutter laying around. Fine, I pick up after myself as well.

We both have our little quirks, I guess, but for him, these little quirks of mine are difficult to get past. He points out to me every time I make a misstep. For me, I do try to look past things and just move on. Here's an example: the other day I forgot to shut off the electric blanket. I was lectured about that. He often leaves his coffee cup in the microwave after re-heating his coffee, forgetting it was there. I dump out the coffee and its over with. I don't even tell him about it. To me, it's not a big deal. He forgot about it. So what?

He says that all these little things about me build up, he holds them inside and doesn't deal with them properly, and then they all come blurting out.

Here is why I posted last night: This past week, we had a very nice, calm conversation about his drinking. He and his therapist are working on this, and he wanted to know what I thought. He point blank asked me, "Do you think that I am an alcoholic?" I replied that I felt that he had alcoholic tendencies, but for the most part, was able to keep them in check. I thought the conversation was good, no one got mad, it ended on a pleasant note, etc.

Then last night, he says to me, "I was going to have a beer with dinner, but I better not because I'm an alcoholic." His voice was dripping with sarcasm. And so I got mad. Why does he use information shared with him during an honest couple's conversation against me later? I think that's playing dirty. Why share anything with him then, when it will come back to bite me in the a** ?

He has also said things like this when we are with his family. One night we were out at dinner, and I don't remember what the conversation was about, but he blurted, "Jende and I can't even get along without the help of a therapist!" Everyone at the table heard him, and stared at us, and it was VERY embarrassing.

So that's the kind of thing I am dealing with over here. I hope that helps to paint a clearer picture.

jende2
12-20-14, 10:37 AM
I just wanted to add that these things happen quite often. The next day he apologies, says he loves me, etc.

Geez. How can I person LOVE the other person and treat them like that??

That's the vicious cycle I'm referring to. Around and around and around we go. I hate living like this.......

Pentax
12-21-14, 11:27 AM
I just wanted to add that these things happen quite often. The next day he apologies, says he loves me, etc.

Geez. How can I person LOVE the other person and treat them like that?? ..

Yes, love and that using something you did in good faith to lash at you later dont fit together

In our house my question was somewhat similar: if you believe all those awful things you're saying I am, over time, how can you possibly love me?

...For the long haul, I dont think my SO does believe the labels he puts on me in these moments, but it took multiple conversations before he clarified that

Jende, I wish you so much well. This particular issue is a hard strange forest to find one's way through. It's definitely inadequate to be told or to tell oneself, oh, just put up with it, he doesnt know what he's doing, or he has a disability, etc

So many issues of basic dignity tangled up in this one. One doesnt have to remain within reach of mistreatment. I wish you well. I'm on my own road of understanding. Somehow, I'm guessing that the key to change is in the run up to the lashing out. But the blurt recipient cant end the incidents alone. If it's coming out of him, disconnected to what's happening in the immediate present, and no you didnt mean him or do him harm, he has at least half of the effort at change to do and sustain. i'd say more than half.

jende2
12-21-14, 12:17 PM
Thanks for your reply, Pentax!

Yes, this is what my therapist and I are discussing in therapy. I know I don't deserve this kind of treatment, and the only thing I can do on my end to make it stop is to sell the house come Spring and part ways.

My therapist asked me if I am prepared to do that. "Absolutely!" I replied.

It's a big step, to be sure, but if it's a necessary step, then I will do it.
BF can't seem to control the mistreatment on his end, so then I will have to be the one to take control. And I guess control = sell.

Good news is, if the house actually sells, I got it at a nice price, I'm the owner, and I stand to gain a nice profit. Then, in my mind, I can move somewhere else, start over again, and this time with a NT. No disrespect to anyone on this board, but for me - ADHD is too difficult!

dvdnvwls
12-21-14, 06:02 PM
jende2: To me, it sounds like you're doing the right thing.

ADHD is not the same for everyone, and there are lots of ADHDers who you might happily live with. For the two of you, though, it seems like you might really both be better off alone or with someone else. Not a decision to take lightly, yet at the same time not a decision to wait so long over that everyone is badly hurt and regretting a lot of time spent.

BellaVita
12-21-14, 06:24 PM
Hey jende2 -
Sorry to hear you haven't been getting treated well.

ADHD or not, there's no excuse to treat someone in a harsh or disrespectful manner.

I must say though, we are ALL not like that. I don't think you should completely avoid being with someone just because they have ADHD. Many of us are just as kind and polite as the next, and have our ADHD well managed.

There are sometimes people who just don't suit you, regardless if they have a disorder or not.

I also want to comment that I think it's brave and wise what you're doing. Many NTs stay with their ADHD partners even if they absolutely hate them, causing hell for both in the relationship. That in my opinion is not right. I think it's a good thing that you are standing up for the treatment you deserve, and are making that happen. (without trying to change the person into someone they're not.)

Hope things get better and better for you!

Pentax
12-21-14, 08:02 PM
Hey jende2 -
Sorry to hear you haven't been getting treated well.

ADHD or not, there's no excuse to treat someone in a harsh or disrespectful manner.

I must say though, we are ALL not like that. I don't think you should completely avoid being with someone just because they have ADHD. Many of us are just as kind and polite as the next, and have our ADHD well managed.

There are sometimes people who just don't suit you, regardless if they have a disorder or not.

I also want to comment that I think it's brave and wise what you're doing. Many NTs stay with their ADHD partners even if they absolutely hate them, causing hell for both in the relationship. That in my opinion is not right. I think it's a good thing that you are standing up for the treatment you deserve, and are making that happen. (without trying to change the person into someone they're not.)

Hope things get better and better for you! Great post, Bella, all of it.