View Full Version : He Basically Ended it with Me


ChicagoGirl15
12-30-14, 02:43 AM
I am sorry to have a 2nd post in a matter of a day, but I truly need to let this out and get some support. I have no one else to talk to.
Background:
--Met C on an online dating site in early October. He immediately asked me out but I wasn't living in his town at the time. We maintained contact via email and text/phone calls until I moved to his town in November. From the very beginning, he seemed very smitten with me and I loved it. Not too overly clingy, but I could tell he was into me.
--However, communication was "unstable". In the 3 months that I knew him (October-now) I called him out on this 3 times and gave him an "out". He assured me he was very interested and that he was just a bad communicator.
--We had 3 dates from late November-now. They were all very lovely. He mentioned on 2 of those dates his ADHD. I didn't put a lot of thought into it until now. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met and aside from the lapses in communication, he treated me very well. I was head over heels for him and I thought he felt the same.
--Other background info: we are both 32. He was married to his high school sweetheart up until August 2013 when he found out she had been cheating for 1.5 years. THeir divorce was final July 2014. His father (who was bipolar) died from cancer last July. His youngest brother committed suicide in 2012. He has 2 kids: Age 11 and 6. He gets them 10 days a month. He has a very powerful job as an Safety Manger for the entire US and Canada and travels 2 weeks out of the month.

C last texted me last Tuesday after a lovely 2 days together. I thought all was well. I did not hear from him for 5 days so today I finally texted him. I will spare you all the details but he called me tonight and I asked for an explanation. We basically "broke up" (not that we were even official) and he listed all of these reasons:
--Coming back home for the holidays is making me very depressed. I miss my dad and my brother and I feel guilty about the death of my brother. I also feel guilty about my kids and not giving them enough attention-they are suffering because of the divorce. He mentioned drama with the ex wife and how he is upset that she is not using their child support to pay their school lunches (he got a call last week saying his kids weren't getting to eat because they had no money). His oldest kid has also been in trouble at school for a fight. He mentioned he doesn't even know if he will have a home or job in the next 3 months and that he hasn't even turned in his timecard. (I figured he was financially secure based off his job, but maybe he's not..I didn't press for info). Told me he should have waited longer before dating again, that he always screws it up. Told me over and over it had nothing to do with me and not being interested, that it is all "him". Said I was the only girl he even talked to on the dating site and that there is no one else in the picture. Said he shouldn't have rushed to start dating again. Said that I deserve someone who could give me more time than he can.

Basically I left the conversation feeling as if his life is one big mess right now. I am sensing unstable financial security, perhaps problems at work, and a lot of guilt over his kids/brothers death. I sense major depression over his brothers suicide and losing his father to cancer. I think being back home dragged out all of that hurt.

I told him over and over to just tell me if he never wants to see me again/wants to end this. He said "I didn't say that I never want to see you again" but then I think he said something along the lines of "could we just be friends for now", we should have started off as a friendship.
I got very upset and told him that I am a big girl and if he is just not into me he needs to just tell me. He reassured me that was not the case, that he just can't do this.

I really don't know what to make of all of this. I mean a week ago the guy was all "I have missed you, you're so beautiful, don't give up on me, you're so perfect, etc" and now he doesn't even want to see me...

Can someone walk me through this and help me understand? It is apparent he does not want to date me now and I am very hurt.

Greengrasshoppe
12-30-14, 06:04 AM
He's got a lot of stresses, he has ADHD (a stress in itself) and he couldn't handle dating on top of it all although he wanted to. This one seems simple. Sorry though it's emotionally very tough.

sarahsweets
12-30-14, 07:57 AM
I think you should count your blessings. You may have gotten hurt over the long term.

RobboW
12-30-14, 08:29 AM
Just thinking on what you posted, it sounds like he may have some financial crisis happening with the ex wife and he probably thinks he has to sell the house. He may also be impacted badly with work performance as he cannot juggle all that is going on in his life and fears getting sacked. All this emotional overload and complication will make him scattered and innefective, causing him to possibly melt down and drop the ball on everything. Right now he needs a simple and easily worked through plan to get everything sorted out so that he can feel focused and secure enough to try and maintain a relationship. He will feel he can't do a relationship because of all this, but the reality is that if you are an organised type, you may be able to help him sort out the mess and keep things going. It sounds like he wants you but just can't see how to make everything work. He needs to open up to you about it all and let you in so you can see if it's possible. I think a conversation is warranted before throwing the relationship away.

VeryTired
12-30-14, 12:29 PM
So sorry to hear of all your unhappiness over this. It doesn't sound that confusing, though.

You met a guy who has some great qualities, and you hoped for the best and put a lot of yourself into the developing relationship. But right from the start, there were lapses, distances, problems, lack of attention that disturbed you. Nevertheless, you continued to pursue the relationship because of its potential good qualities--because of how you imagined it could be in the future.

After a number of inconclusive exchanges and failures of communication, he told you quite clearly that he isn't ready for a relationship with you now, that he didn't know what he was getting into with you, that he likes you but his life is a mess and he can't give you what you want. And you have had many indications that even at his best, he might not be the perfect fit for you, given your needs and his disability. It's very understandable if you feel bad about this, but you need to let it go, now.

If that feels very hard to do, or you can't accept that sometimes the timing is wrong, and sometimes people we are interested in can't give us what we need, then the problem becomes one of your beliefs and expectations. Breakups are always hard. A therapist could relay help you to process this.

amber3902
12-30-14, 01:07 PM
I also feel guilty about my kids and not giving them enough attention-they are suffering because of the divorce.This statement jumped out at me. While children may suffer because of a divorce, many times they are just fine. Case in point, my two daughters were just fine when I divorced their dad.

Feeling guilty about a divorce is not doing his children any favors. He didn't break up his family, it was his wife that cheated.

He sounds like he could be a disney dad. Google the term.

A disney dad feels guilty because the family has broken up, and as a result, tries to overcompensate by being all fun and no rules. I dated a disney dad for two years and wound up breaking up with him. I had a real problem with him because he did not parent his son and let the boy walk all over him.

Now, this may not apply to your guy, but dating a single father is hard enough, sounds like there's some issues with the ex-wife as well. Add on top of that the issues he has with his family, work and ADHD, and this relationship is doomed.

Like someone else said, the relationship was rocky from the start. He may have wanted to make things work, but finally realized he needed to focus on himself and his family.

Or he could just be using all these problems as an excuse. It doesn't really matter. If he really wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it work. If he really wanted to see you, he would find a way. Be thankful that he came to this realization NOW before things got too involved.

ChicagoGirl15
12-30-14, 04:47 PM
The hurt I feel just can't even be described. I do realize our time together was short but he truly made me happier than I have been in a long time.
Furthermore, what I can't grasp is how I tried to give him an "out" on 3 occassions when I felt he wasn't communicating much and each and every time he very quickly called me to assure me he was interested and each and every time he told me "It's like you're looking for a reason this won't work". How did he go from THAT to THIS?!
Another time he had told me "Don't give up on me"--this was all of a week ago!!! Don't give up on HIM and now he has left ME? He had also said "I feel like this is the start of something good" and of course 100 other compliments: you're beautiful, you're perfect, I really like you, I miss you, etc. And now--nothing!!

I really do feel like his change was triggered by the trip back home for the holidays. He traveled back home last Wednesday and that is the start of when he stopped talking to me. His brother and dad have both died in the last 2 years. His bipolar dad to cancer and his brother committed suicide and C was the one to find his brother laying in blood dead.

Prior to his trip back home we had been FINE. I had seen him just the day before and all was well. In fact as I was leaving, he asked me to stay longer but I couldn't due to work. The night before he stopped talking to me he was as sweet as could be, telling me he was going to take me to a new place to eat.

Also worrying me is there was a girl on his Facebook, this girl "likes" everything of his, and he likes much of hers as well. She is a girl from back home and I just wonder if they had something going on. Though he assures me there is no other girl and if he is unable to make things work with me, then I don't see how he would make it work with a girl that lives 400 miles away that he could only fly down to see 2 times a month due to having his kids 2 weekends a month.

As far as the Disney Dad--nope, I don't think that is him. And he doesn't feel guilty about the divorce, last night during our talk I told him maybe he should consider working things out with his ex just for the sake of being able to see his kids EVERY day. He said no way will he be doing that. He is also the disciplinarian of the 2; he has told me his ex wife lets them run wild. The only problems I know of is he pays her $700 per month child support (and $2000 alimony) and yet he gets calls from the school saying their kids don't have lunch money and also that his oldest child got in school suspension for a fight a few weeks ago. He travels 2 weeks of the month and gets the kids every other week from Wednesday-Sunday; honestly that is more than I believe most divorced people get.

I just don't know what to think. I honestly wish he hadn't traveled home for the holidays and maybe his feelings wouldn't be triggered. He kept telling me over and over that it wasn't anything to do with me, just that his life is a mess and he feels guilty about his kids, and that he hasn't submitted his timecard for work and doesn't even know if he will have a home/job in 3 months. I assured him I was fine with what we had, just seeing him 2 times a month and he said "I didn't say I don't want to see you anymore but I can't give you what you really deserve". He said he rushed things with me, that he shouldn't have come on so strong, that he is bad at dating/relationships, that we should have started out as friends, and asked "does it have to be all or nothing"?

I am so hurt and I for the life of me only want one thing--to know what is so wrong with ME that he is leaving me.

I sent him a text earlier today that basically read" I have decided I can't be friends. I care about you too much to take a step down. I for the life of me can't figure out what is so wrong with me that you want nothing to do with me. I am just going to assume that you met someone you are more interested in. Take care".

He replied an hour later with a very dismissive text "If that makes you feel better T. Take care".

I mean, really? That is all I get?! In the past he would have been so quick to call me and reassure me and tell me he cares and likes me and now that is all I get?

Maybe 3 months of "knowing" him really wasn't that long but it still hurts nonetheless. I truly cared for this man and saw a future with him. I am devastated.

willow129
12-30-14, 10:15 PM
I am so hurt and I for the life of me only want one thing--to know what is so wrong with ME that he is leaving me.

I sent him a text earlier today that basically read" I have decided I can't be friends. I care about you too much to take a step down. I for the life of me can't figure out what is so wrong with me that you want nothing to do with me. I am just going to assume that you met someone you are more interested in. Take care".

He replied an hour later with a very dismissive text "If that makes you feel better T. Take care".

I mean, really? That is all I get?! In the past he would have been so quick to call me and reassure me and tell me he cares and likes me and now that is all I get?


It is clearly not about you. And I'm sure he is a sweet guy but it sounds like things are really messed up with him and if you stayed with him it seems likely the mess could get into your life as well. Not definitely but it seems like it's a possibility.

It sounds like you are trying to guilt him by insisting that it's about you. It's probably unconscious on your part. I say this because there is zero indication that it's something you did. But he is telling you his life is messed up. Relationships are a commitment, even though it's fun. It can be highly emotional and especially after the infatuation stage it can require compromise. But when people are not emotionally stable that can be really hard. He is clearly doing this for his own sanity and I think if you like him then you need to respect that he is telling you that he needs space.

I'm sorry it didn't work out :( Having your heart broken is one of the worst things. I have a lot of empathy with how you're feeling and that there's a part of you that wants it to be something YOU did because you can fix that. But it's not about you, it's about him, and you can't fix him, he needs to do that.

Lots of warm hugs your way.

Greengrasshoppe
12-30-14, 10:49 PM
Your emotions might be overwhelming to him b

ChicagoGirl15
12-30-14, 10:54 PM
Prior to yesterday, I showed him very little emotion. I mean I showed enough emotion that he knew I liked him and that I obviously cared, but I certainly never acted clingy towards him. However, yes, since yesterday I have become a panicked mess. I normally am able to be the silent type after break ups but this one has left me so confused. I feel like it came out of nowhere.

Unmanagable
12-31-14, 12:34 AM
It sounds to me like he's tangled up in a whirlwind of grief from the recent loss of two immediate family members and a marriage, not to mention the trauma of finding his bro, on top of dealing with whatever symptoms he's managing daily to try to maintain the level of employment he has, and trying to keep up with the kids' needs when he has them. Chances of all of that simmering down so he can just chill out and relax into a cozy relationship with anyone wont be happening for a while.

I totally understand the hurt you feel, and it sucks, but it sounds like he was trying to be honest in sharing his struggles, but was also trying really hard not to hurt your feelings and wanted it to work, too, but in doing so, did just that, and then some, especially when he realized it just can't work right now. This human condition, from any angle, but especially when trying to merge with another in a meaningful relationship, is a b****.

Imagine your future with him:

Dealing with all the trips 'back home, at least on every major holiday, and a few unexpected ones in between, the endless and inconvenient calls and communication with his ex regarding the kids, all the times something would come up and you'd be let down yet again, and the ongoing female presence that plucks a nerve on fb every time you'd look at his page, wondering why you aren't worthy of his time or acknowledgement, etc., etc.

Three months of some fun, then painfully learning why it won't work will fade away a whole lot quicker than hanging on in hopes of things changing for the better and diving deeper into ongoing and chaotic scene he currently has. Once the pain subsides and you can look at it from a different angle, I think you may even be grateful. Sending comforting energy your way in hopes of healing that hurtin' heart. Make time to pamper yourself every chance you get.

ChicagoGirl15
12-31-14, 11:27 AM
Thanks to all who took the time to reply. You are very appreciated and I definitely get everything you are saying. Yes, I still definitely want to blame myself though. It WOULD make it easier because then I feel like I'd have an answer. Whereas now, I'm left feeling "All was well last Tuesday, he traveled home, quit speaking to me, and now I'm alone again". I just can not fathom how last week he was telling me he was going to take me to some cool new places since I was new in town, how he missed me, really liked me, then he goes home and wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Also, is it common for them to become cold on you like he did to me? I mean: before if he felt he hurt my feelings he was always so quick to apologize and reassure me and offer kind words. However, when I expressed my hurt the last 2 days he flat out ignored me and then to another text simply replied "ok" after I expressed my hurt and then another it was just "if it makes you feel better. Take care T". How could he go from so caring for 3 months to acting like he could care less in those texts. That is NOT the same man I knew for 3 months. The man I knew would do nothing to hurt anyone.