View Full Version : Losing hope


NYMedic54
12-30-14, 06:27 PM
I have ADD. Badly. I was medicated as a

child but never really understood why

until I became an adult and realized what

I was lacking. I have a problem with ADD

and it reaches around through every

aspect of my life.

I find nothing interesting anymore, not

my hobbies I once loved, not my dearest

of friends, my job, or even new women in

my life. It seems like nothing can hold

my attention anymore. It's been more than

5 years since I have dated anyone because

I genuinly do not find people interesting

enough to have a genuine conversation

with.

This issue is turning into depression.

Nothing is fun anymore, I have a great

job that I hate because I can't deal with

the monotony of it anymore, I can't build

relationships because they just aren't

interesting. I cannot enjoy the beautiful

life that I have in front of me, when I

cannot string a single thought in my head

into a useable, productive action. I have

talked to my doctor, who is always

flexible. I have tried stimulants.

Adderal/amphetamine salts, Vyvanse,

Dexedrine, Concerta. They all work

wonderfully, they turn me into a super

human, and most of all. I am instantly,

and INCREDIBLY happy because for a few

short weeks. I am in control of my mind,

I can THINK straight, I feel like I can

accomplish anything I set my mind to.

After a few weeks this effect subsides

and I'm left with nothing but feeling

empty, hopeless, and completely in a fog.

I take the pill yet feel like I haven't

taken anything at all, like it has had

ZERO effect. I understand that I can't be

superhuman all the time, but instead of

even a slight improvement, I 100% feel

like I am back at square 1.

I have tried Guanfacine, Strattera, and

Wellbutrin. To no noticable effect.

I cannot be happy, I cannot be

successful, I cannot take advantage of my

life because my mind is so lost in

useless rabble. I can't even get into a relationship

because everything looks, and feels grey

to me, and the scariest part of it, is

thinking that it will never change, like

there is no light at the end of the

tunnel. I am slowly eroding away, and

someday I fear this journey will end in

suicide after my inability to focus on, and enjoy

ANYTHING in my life will finally take over

me.

So this is a cry for help, does anyone,

have any advice for what I can try, what

I can take, what type of doctor I should

talk to. I cannot go on with my life

feeling like there is no hope for me, and

that I will never reach the potential

that has been stolen from me due to

****ty brain chemistry.

I have tried diets, stims, non stims, I

get at least 8-10 hours a night of sleep,

and I work out intensely 3-4 nights a

week.

Please, any help would be appreciated.

Unmanagable
12-30-14, 08:04 PM
(((Hugs)))

Welcome. I wish I had an answer that I knew would be 100% right for you. Stick around, you've found your peeps. :)

For me, deep breathing, on purpose, and often, helps more than anything. Diaphragmatic breathing is the technical term. Alternate nostril breathing follows that, in my routine. Getting that oxygen in there makes a huge difference. I remain amazed at how shallow my breathing gets, and how tense my body gets throughout the day. No wonder we get so fatigued so easily.

Long soaks in a hot bath with epsom salts for 20-30 minutes does my body and mind a whole lot of good.

Nature time, wildlife time, animal time, noticing the beautiful things around you, etc.
Do more of what ignites a passion within (preferably a healthy one). May sound cheesy, but it makes a huge difference in how my day flows.

Having someone I feel I can make a genuine connection with to talk about what floats around in my mind. Not many peeps are willing listeners of the contents, so that remains the toughest one. Many of the professionals I've tried to talk with created more issues than they helped alleviate, at the time, so I'm not a big fan. Although, if you're able to find one you connect with, they can most definitely be priceless.

Learn how to be okay with a bad day and don't insist on controlling anything externally in an attempt to change it up. It's really hard to learn to be more accepting of the arrival of, and patiently sitting with the uncomfortable stuff. I can't explain it that well, I just know that focusing more on internal motions are much more productive for me. Letting myself feel what I feel is the easy part compared to dealing with the reactions of those around me who still struggle with this.

Wishing you the best in finding healthy and effective distractions from the pains. You're surrounded by peeps who get it here at ADDF. Glad you happened upon it.

SirSchmidt
12-30-14, 08:21 PM
When your medication started to lose its effect, how long did you continue taking them for? It's possible that it was simply a temporary "lull" in effectiveness. I've felt it before.

Perhaps increasing dosage at this time might compensate?

Traveler5
12-30-14, 08:21 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on in your life.

You did not mention ever being on an antidepressant. Your post screams underlying depression to me. It's obvious you are very sad and need something to address it. If you haven't already, I would strongly recommend you talk to a psychiatrist and tell him/her what you just said here and try and get on an antidepressant to help you feel better. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant by nature but a very weak one at that compared to other meds out there. I firmly believe in the life changing power of antidepressants. They have saved my life and greatly improved its overall quality.

All the very best to you. Let us know what happens. You are right on one thing, you do have a beautiful life in front of you. Keep reaching for it. You'll get ahold of it and immerse yourself in it. It's worth it.

NYMedic54
12-30-14, 08:28 PM
I at one point started having suicidal thoughts and told my doctor ASAP. He put me on Celexa/Citalopram. This was right around the time I started being medicated for ADD as well. Celexa didn't work so well, and after some time I noticed a pattern in my very up and very down moods. So I brought up bipolar to the doctor. For years I took seroquel. This was while trying the multitude of medicines I listed.

In the last 6 months I have stopped all medicines except Mirtazapine. It puts me to sleep, and I have needed help going to sleep since before I can even remember.

I usually stop with the stims about a week after they stop working. It feels like at that point I start getting depressed. Either A. I am consciously upset because I lose hope in the problem getting fixed when I lose the ability to concentrate. or B. The medicine is doing it.

After that week period I lose all ability to focus, and at that point I have all the side effects. Insomnia, no appetite etc, but with no added focus, it doesnt seem worth taking the pill if all it is doing is hurting.

i intend to have another candid discussion with my doctor about depression. It is getting to a serious threshold again.

InvitroCanibal
01-09-15, 05:32 PM
I at one point started having suicidal thoughts and told my doctor ASAP. He put me on Celexa/Citalopram. This was right around the time I started being medicated for ADD as well. Celexa didn't work so well, and after some time I noticed a pattern in my very up and very down moods. So I brought up bipolar to the doctor. For years I took seroquel. This was while trying the multitude of medicines I listed.

In the last 6 months I have stopped all medicines except Mirtazapine. It puts me to sleep, and I have needed help going to sleep since before I can even remember.

I usually stop with the stims about a week after they stop working. It feels like at that point I start getting depressed. Either A. I am consciously upset because I lose hope in the problem getting fixed when I lose the ability to concentrate. or B. The medicine is doing it.

After that week period I lose all ability to focus, and at that point I have all the side effects. Insomnia, no appetite etc, but with no added focus, it doesnt seem worth taking the pill if all it is doing is hurting.

i intend to have another candid discussion with my doctor about depression. It is getting to a serious threshold again.

Have you thought about the fact that you may have unipolar depression in conjunction with adhd. Unipolar depression is actually treated with bipolar meds and is being reclassified in the bipolar category. It's similar to bipolar 2 except that as opposed to hypomania, you just feel normal briefly and temporarily.

I am not trying to diagnose or anything but a lot of what you describe is what i've had most my life. I know how hard it is, when my sister died in 2011 it was strange because I felt almost nothing because I already felt so terrible as it was, it seemed impossible to feel worse.

Like you the meds had a temporary positive effect and mood lift and then a cool off period of back to the old patterns. That was harder actually, having the sun in your hands and then losing it all over again. Feeling normal and then back to square one.

But, I did find the answers I needed and I can say that my depression lifted and I see hope again. The thing was, I needed proper treatment. I had been using adhd meds to treat two problems not one which is not what they were designed for. I was trying to treat my depression symptoms which I attributed to adhd, with stimulants.

When one tries to do this, they will notice a sharp up and down cycle that feels almost worse than before. Any reprieve from the depression cycle and it feels almost worse going back into it. You see what your potential is and get it snatched away.

I now take latuda and lamictal for my bipolar depression. I generally don't really need full anti psychotics such as lithium or depakote because my symptoms were related to more of a unipolar depression.

I now work to try to help others and the truth is that meds are not everything. I think though that you are trying things other than meds just as I was and I believe you will be successful if you give yourself time.

So much has changed that my depression seems like another life time. I hope you don't give up because one day you will be happy and you will find and recognize what success is to you.

The one thing that always kept me going through the worst times was believing that "where there is a will, there is a way." If you give up you lose that chance to rise to your potential and find what happiness means to you.

So don't give up, keep fighting for your life and for the solutions you need. If you believe that effort and will equals success than you will find it. It is only a matter of time.

In the mean time, I had to take it just one day at a time. I asked myself what the smallest was that I could do and worked from there. Some days I didn't feel I could do anything, or even go outside. So to make a point to myself, I got dressed and then stayed home because that was as far as I could go. But in my mind that wasn't a failed attempt to find the motivation to leave the house, that was a success in that I did the smallest amount I could handle at the time.

The next day I got out and took a walk. So it takes baby steps. All of our bad habits develop this way, through baby steps and our good habits...or atleast the ones we strive for, usually fail because we want to take big giant leaps and instead take two steps back.

Take it easy for now, and put yourself in a mindset of recovery. Depression is acceptable for temporary disability so if it affects your job and your life, know that there are resources available to you that can help you financially while you get back on your feet or perhaps for the first time.

Best of luck to you and pm me anytime, I hope I could help

NYMedic54
01-09-15, 05:55 PM
Thank you for your in depth reply.

I was at one point taking Seroquel as I felt I had bipolar. Though I admit I've never really had any manic upswings. Ever. I do know I am depressed. Yesterday my doctor started me on zoloft. I started taking adderall again the first of the month which the 20mg dose tapered odd after about 3 days. No I just feel starved and unfocused when I take it. I could talk to the doctor more about what you speak of, or maybe the zoloft will have some of the same effects the medicines you take have had. I hate feeling desperate. I am a man made famous by the way I attack my problems without any mercy and who always gets to the bottom of them,.... This is the one problem in my life that I haven't been able to fix. And I fear it could claim me someday... And nobody especially me, wants that.

Canadian Mess
01-10-15, 11:34 PM
I wish I could read all that you wrote, but my ADHD meds have worn out and my eyes glazed over...

But I can definitely see your fustration and feelings of how difficult it is to go through life with ADHD and depression. The only thing I can offer is my support and that the best way I know how to deal with depression and ADHD from my own experience is to "fake it till you make it".

When I say "fake it till you make it", I don't mean trying to pretend the depression doesn't exist, or smiling or denying you have obstacles that make your life a real hell compared to others. I think the best way to look at it, is to use that commercial advertising pain meds that says "a body in motion, stays in motion". Go through the movements of life, and makes it a lot easier to handle and deal with the other things afterwards.

The best way to do that with depression and ADHD is to follow schedules religiously, no matter how we feel at that moment in time. I used to sleep all the time because I had no energy, but once I forced myself to get up at the same time every day and go to the gym eventually it started to feel good and became more of a habit, making it easier to do even though I had depression and hated it.

For example, make a list of what you need to do to get ready for events of the day and what time you have to do it by, write the steps in order and then call it "[time of day] routine", and then put it somewhere you will see it when you wake up like your mirror or bedstand. Then take it with you around the house when you get ready. This way you feel like you have accomplished something and can keep going.

I have made a "morning routine" that I post on the mirror of my bathroom and my bedroom door that I have to follow to the letter- the order of events, the timing of events and when I leave the house. I hate getting up, I'm tired of it, I don't want to move at all... but I must follow the list. I have 3 alarms that go off and a "cat alarm" (aka the cat attacks me if I don't get up).

I have a gym routine that I force myself to stick to... even if I am exhausted, sore, I don't feel like it, etc. I have a food routine so even if I don't feel like eating or I want cake or something random, no I got to eat what's on the schedule.

At first, I felt like it was a lost cause but when I started "tracking" my routines, I realized how much I was actually accomplishing. I would checkmark on the calendar when I had gotten up on time, gone to the gym, walked for a block, etc. and it's become better with time.

I hope that helps, don't give up because you are worth the effort!

InvitroCanibal
01-11-15, 04:59 AM
I wish I could read all that you wrote, but my ADHD meds have worn out and my eyes glazed over...

But I can definitely see your fustration and feelings of how difficult it is to go through life with ADHD and depression. The only thing I can offer is my support and that the best way I know how to deal with depression and ADHD from my own experience is to "fake it till you make it".

When I say "fake it till you make it", I don't mean trying to pretend the depression doesn't exist, or smiling or denying you have obstacles that make your life a real hell compared to others. I think the best way to look at it, is to use that commercial advertising pain meds that says "a body in motion, stays in motion". Go through the movements of life, and makes it a lot easier to handle and deal with the other things afterwards.

The best way to do that with depression and ADHD is to follow schedules religiously, no matter how we feel at that moment in time. I used to sleep all the time because I had no energy, but once I forced myself to get up at the same time every day and go to the gym eventually it started to feel good and became more of a habit, making it easier to do even though I had depression and hated it.

For example, make a list of what you need to do to get ready for events of the day and what time you have to do it by, write the steps in order and then call it "[time of day] routine", and then put it somewhere you will see it when you wake up like your mirror or bedstand. Then take it with you around the house when you get ready. This way you feel like you have accomplished something and can keep going.

I have made a "morning routine" that I post on the mirror of my bathroom and my bedroom door that I have to follow to the letter- the order of events, the timing of events and when I leave the house. I hate getting up, I'm tired of it, I don't want to move at all... but I must follow the list. I have 3 alarms that go off and a "cat alarm" (aka the cat attacks me if I don't get up).

I have a gym routine that I force myself to stick to... even if I am exhausted, sore, I don't feel like it, etc. I have a food routine so even if I don't feel like eating or I want cake or something random, no I got to eat what's on the schedule.

At first, I felt like it was a lost cause but when I started "tracking" my routines, I realized how much I was actually accomplishing. I would checkmark on the calendar when I had gotten up on time, gone to the gym, walked for a block, etc. and it's become better with time.

I hope that helps, don't give up because you are worth the effort!

I'd agree with this too, but an easy way to summarize it that I was taught was "Don't live like the dead"

InvitroCanibal
01-11-15, 05:10 AM
Thank you for your in depth reply.

I was at one point taking Seroquel as I felt I had bipolar. Though I admit I've never really had any manic upswings. Ever. I do know I am depressed. Yesterday my doctor started me on zoloft. I started taking adderall again the first of the month which the 20mg dose tapered odd after about 3 days. No I just feel starved and unfocused when I take it. I could talk to the doctor more about what you speak of, or maybe the zoloft will have some of the same effects the medicines you take have had. I hate feeling desperate. I am a man made famous by the way I attack my problems without any mercy and who always gets to the bottom of them,.... This is the one problem in my life that I haven't been able to fix. And I fear it could claim me someday... And nobody especially me, wants that.

Manic upswings are not a symptom to unipolar. Though psychotic depression can occur sometimes. It usually just exhibits one state and then perhaps brief breaks from it where one feels normal.

It looks like major depression but tends to be "treatment resistant."
As ssris do not work for the unipolar sub group. It is just something to ask your doc about or keep an eye out for it.

I'd hate for you to think you tried everything if the ssris dont work and psychosocial behavioral therapy doesnt work.

The last thing to consider is that it could be related to dyspepsia. A condition in which peptides are produced incorrectly due to gastritis or immflamation in the stomach. It used to be thought that anxiety and depression caused stomach problems or somatizations but recent evidence is showing it may be the other way around.

In regards to that, usually a diet change of some sort seemed to be quite helpful though im unaware of what your diet practices are now.

I suspect though that you are similar to me, in that you just want to take it all on by yourself and tried diet, exercise and cbt training.

If not then you should try those as well.

Below is a link to an article that dicusses dyspepsia.

http://www.wellnessresources.com/health/articles/digestive_problems_can_cause_anxiety_and_depressio n/

I brought up multiple possibilities and solutions so that you can consider the fact that there are many possible solutions and that you can't give up hope yet. If you only see one problem and invest yourself in one solution you probably won't find it because that's like playing roulette, its no better than a guess.

So just don't lose hope, and I suspect you were saying that you hadnt but that you simply cant go on as you have. To that id say that we often misattribute the need for change as feeling hopeless or fatalistic but it really just means you simply want and need change.

Consider that and let it sink in that you may just be unhappy with aspects about yourself or your life that you mistook for being permenant or forced.

You also have to ask, have you made the choices that have led you where you are today. If so...then good, that means you are in control of your life and you cant let yourself forget that. Even if you made bad choices you should still take pride that they were your choices. Having the freedom to fail is true freedom. If you are perfectionistic though and fail to allow yourself to take risks and live life safely, you may wake up and feel depressed without knowing why. Not realizing that at some point in your search for control and perfection you actually lost control and stopped making choices for yourself. The freedom to choose is what makes life beautiful because only then can we take responsibility for our own lives.

Well hope that helps, I apologize if a lot of that doesnt apply but I try to cover multiple aspects because interviewing through a forum is damned near impossible.