View Full Version : ADD or Oppositional or just a jerk??


Hoping
01-07-15, 01:45 AM
Hi. I'm posting here because I'm almost too fed up to go on and I'm hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend (ADD) is acting in a way that I think has nothing to do with his ADD and I want to know if I'm correct, and if so, what I can do in response to it.

About a week ago, he volunteered to vacuum, and while he was doing so, knocked one of his pens off the counter. I was walking into the room and he asked me to pick it up and I did. Three or so days later, I was cooking dinner when he came home from work and I asked him if he would unload the dishwasher and take out the trash. He asked which I wanted more because he'd do one, and I chose trash. While he was out I noticed the next trash bag was out of the box partly and on the floor (hard to explain, but if you've ever tried to take out a trashbag from a box without using two hands hopefully you understand?) and when he got back I asked him to please put the bag that was out on the floor back into the box.

He walked over and said "I don't know what else you want me to do" in a huffy tone, so I just repeated my request and then he sort of half stuffed the trashbag in the box. Then he went into the bedroom for a few minutes and came back out saying "I don't want to cause a fight, but why couldn't you put the trashbag back into the box?". I told him because i was cooking and couldn't stop to wash my hands, roll the bag up, wash my hands again and keep cooking without burning something and besides WHY would he even ask me why didn't I fix the bag that is on the floor because of something he did? Especially while I'm cooking?? Pretty quickly I allowed that question to really set me off and eventually I received an insincere apology.

Now I'm not keeping score, and I only mention the favor I did for him with the pen because today we got into a argument/discussion and it's revealed (among grievances from both sides) he's still feeling a certain way about the trashbags and he tells me he feels used, unequal, and like I think I am better than him because I want things my way/my feelings trump his feelings. He said he had no problem with the trashbags being on the floor and that situation made him feel the way I stated above. This blew my mind because he's almost CONSTANTLY crying hypocrisy and saying things aren't "equal" or that I think things are okay for me to do but not for him. So I said, you know, that's kind of messed up that you would use me, treat me unequally and act like you're better than me/your feelings trump mine just the other day when you asked me to pick up your pen. I told him there only seems to be a problem when it suits him, or more specifically when HE is asked to rectify an issue he has caused.

I used to get more upset than necessary when he would forget to do things I prefer a certain way, but I've almost completely stopped that, and I've also cut way back on asking him to do those things if I notice them, because he usually asks me to do them for him, and I say no and he gets the hugest attitude, saying I don't help him out.

So yeah, I guess my question is, is the trashbag issue (specifically the talk about feeling used/unequal/personally wronged) ADD or is he just winding me up? Because I've finally come to a place where I can accept the slip ups where the trashbag ends up on the floor, but the mindset where the onus is on me to have them that way both when I change the trash and when he does and if I ask him to do it (when he's pulled them out) he says the things he said and holds on to it for days.....? To me that's not okay.

lmg2474
01-07-15, 08:53 PM
As someone with ADD, no that's not part of having ADD. Forgetting to do certain tasks you ask him to, or failing to do things the way you asked him to, definitely is, don't get me wrong. But his reactions are entirely out of line. He seems to be using his ADD to play the victim in your relationship and in so doing pretty much gets to take advantage of you.

Bottom line is that it isn't right - in ANY case - to take advantage of one's partner by playing the victim in the relationship. So no, that isn't at all a part of ADD. That's just being a manipulative jerk. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being straight up with you about it.

Rebelyell
01-07-15, 09:06 PM
Using adhd or odd is never an excuse for poor behavior and performance. I have both plus other stuff and when I do act like a jerk it's because someone pushed me to that point and asked for it, I don't sugar coat nothing, crap apples people poor behavior etc I tell it like it is.

BellaVita
01-10-15, 08:19 PM
I think it may be related to ADHD, maybe it's much more difficult for him to do those tasks than he's letting on and so he's getting upset and instead saying things like "not equal" or that he's "being used."

I know as a kid I used to be obsessed with things being equal. :o

Now, I realize that I'm not capable of doing much work, so my guy does most of it for me. (He has ADHD, too!)

But specifically, I don't think that's ADHD but more of a personality thing. In MBTI the J types are more likely to do this for example.

But I suggest little things like trash bags, pens, etc just pick up after him anyway and try not to fuss about it. He's probably not going to get any better at it, so might as well not make it a huge deal.

Pentax
01-11-15, 09:49 AM
Hi. I'm posting here because I'm almost too fed up to go on and I'm hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend (ADD) is acting in a way that I think has nothing to do with his ADD and I want to know if I'm correct, and if so, what I can do in response to it.

About a week ago, he volunteered to vacuum, and while he was doing so, knocked one of his pens off the counter. I was walking into the room and he asked me to pick it up and I did. Three or so days later, I was cooking dinner when he came home from work and I asked him if he would unload the dishwasher and take out the trash. He asked which I wanted more because he'd do one, and I chose trash. While he was out I noticed the next trash bag was out of the box partly and on the floor (hard to explain, but if you've ever tried to take out a trashbag from a box without using two hands hopefully you understand?) and when he got back I asked him to please put the bag that was out on the floor back into the box.

He walked over and said "I don't know what else you want me to do" in a huffy tone, so I just repeated my request and then he sort of half stuffed the trashbag in the box. Then he went into the bedroom for a few minutes and came back out saying "I don't want to cause a fight, but why couldn't you put the trashbag back into the box?". I told him because i was cooking and couldn't stop to wash my hands, roll the bag up, wash my hands again and keep cooking without burning something and besides WHY would he even ask me why didn't I fix the bag that is on the floor because of something he did? Especially while I'm cooking?? Pretty quickly I allowed that question to really set me off and eventually I received an insincere apology.

Now I'm not keeping score, and I only mention the favor I did for him with the pen because today we got into a argument/discussion and it's revealed (among grievances from both sides) he's still feeling a certain way about the trashbags and he tells me he feels used, unequal, and like I think I am better than him because I want things my way/my feelings trump his feelings. He said he had no problem with the trashbags being on the floor and that situation made him feel the way I stated above. This blew my mind because he's almost CONSTANTLY crying hypocrisy and saying things aren't "equal" or that I think things are okay for me to do but not for him. So I said, you know, that's kind of messed up that you would use me, treat me unequally and act like you're better than me/your feelings trump mine just the other day when you asked me to pick up your pen. I told him there only seems to be a problem when it suits him, or more specifically when HE is asked to rectify an issue he has caused.

I used to get more upset than necessary when he would forget to do things I prefer a certain way, but I've almost completely stopped that, and I've also cut way back on asking him to do those things if I notice them, because he usually asks me to do them for him, and I say no and he gets the hugest attitude, saying I don't help him out.

So yeah, I guess my question is, is the trashbag issue (specifically the talk about feeling used/unequal/personally wronged) ADD or is he just winding me up? Because I've finally come to a place where I can accept the slip ups where the trashbag ends up on the floor, but the mindset where the onus is on me to have them that way both when I change the trash and when he does and if I ask him to do it (when he's pulled them out) he says the things he said and holds on to it for days.....? To me that's not okay.

Hi, Hoping, I agree with Img2474, playing the victim is no good.

Reading what you wrote, I also wondered whether there was a problem with perception, or if you like, noticing.

Sometimes I get the impression that my partner and I notice different things, when presented with a scene or when in a room together.

Not only fix attention on the object, and see it at all, but if noticed, value it. Just suggesting that as food for thought.

The pen was his, so he valued it. The trashbag was...part of the environment in the room.

Everybody is self centered, to a degree. Mel Brooks named the extreme end of the selfcenteredness continuum:

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

Nearly everybody else is more caring of others than that. But we all, ADHD and not, do care especially about our pens and our way of seeing the world...

What I've seen with my SO is that to a degree that I don't usually see in non ADHD people, he doesn't notice or react to what's not related to him, in his mind (regardless of whether or not I think it's related to him, as, for instance, you understand that common trash bin to be related to the both of you).

I'd like to hear from people with ADHD on this...it seems to be perceptual-valuing related-to-self, not a deliberate act of avoiding doing something for us, or for me. As if the trash bag in your example were an unnecessary part of his world, from his point of view?

Where I would find your situation especially difficult are those allegations of disrespect of him coming out of your SO, if you didn't in fact treat him as unequal or disrespect him, and him then clinging to those beliefs. Sorry you're going through that.

VeryTired
01-11-15, 10:39 AM
Pentax--

What you just wrote is very deep, very rich. I, too, hope to hear what people with ADHD think of what you said, but meanwhile, I will just chime in to say that what you have described is exactly what I notice happening with my partner, and I think you have described it with great insight. Thanks!

Lunacie
01-11-15, 11:36 AM
I don't know whether this happens a lot,
or whether it might have been an issue of timing.

He just got home from work, didn't have a chance
to get a drink or sit down or anything.

First thing you say, maybe even before saying
"Hi, honey, glad you're home" was
"Please unload the dishwasher and take out the trash."

But he just spent the day working, and then driving in traffic
(which is very difficult for many of us with ADHD),
and right away you're "demanding" that
he start working around the house.

Just wondering ... maybe from his point of view ... :confused:

Hoping
01-11-15, 03:20 PM
As someone with ADD, no that's not part of having ADD. Forgetting to do certain tasks you ask him to, or failing to do things the way you asked him to, definitely is, don't get me wrong. But his reactions are entirely out of line. He seems to be using his ADD to play the victim in your relationship and in so doing pretty much gets to take advantage of you.

Bottom line is that it isn't right - in ANY case - to take advantage of one's partner by playing the victim in the relationship. So no, that isn't at all a part of ADD. That's just being a manipulative jerk. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being straight up with you about it.

Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate your taking the time to read and respond to that extremely long post!

I think it may be related to ADHD, maybe it's much more difficult for him to do those tasks than he's letting on and so he's getting upset and instead saying things like "not equal" or that he's "being used."

I know as a kid I used to be obsessed with things being equal. :o

Now, I realize that I'm not capable of doing much work, so my guy does most of it for me. (He has ADHD, too!)

But specifically, I don't think that's ADHD but more of a personality thing. In MBTI the J types are more likely to do this for example.

But I suggest little things like trash bags, pens, etc just pick up after him anyway and try not to fuss about it. He's probably not going to get any better at it, so might as well not make it a huge deal.

Thanks. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up after him, ever, but it's food for thought for sure.

TLCisaQT
02-10-15, 08:12 PM
not so sure about it relating to the adhd/odd; however one positive I noticed is in your communication - you have no trouble asking for help when you need it which is better than some, and he has no problem letting you know when something bothers him, at least it gets it all out in the open. Personally, out of this whole post that got me, was him telling you that you had to choose between one task or another as he was only going to do one. That right there tells me he can stop whining about things not being "equal." Sounds like he has choice and is not a victim since you took that pretty well.

However, I have learned with my husband - when he actually does a chore, I try not to be too picky on it being done to my liking, because I want him to do it again sometime before the next blue moon hehe. With the trash bag, I mot likely would have just taken care of it after cooking unless it was a safety issue, then I would have asked.