View Full Version : Confused by His Recent Outreach


ChicagoGirl15
01-15-15, 10:32 PM
I was briefly dating a guy with ADHD. He ended things Dec 30th. He traveled home for the holidays, became depressed by emotional triggers back home, overwhelmed by recent stressors (recently divorced, feeling guilty about kids, work stress, etc). He asked to be friends. I declined and went No Contact.
10 days later HE reaches out to me. Texts me a picture of his newborn niece and makes small talk. At end of conversation he tells me "I wish I had 1/10th of your drive. You are an amazing person and beautiful to boot." I thanked him and that was it.

I know none of us are mind readers but him texting me has baffled me. He KNOWS how hurt I was over him ending things. He also knows I couldn't handle being friends so why text me? I desperately want him back but I'm not chasing after him. I don't know what to make of this. It's been 4 days and he is silent again.

Pilgrim
01-16-15, 08:12 PM
It's always hard to let people go but I could say that his behavior won't change.
Sometimes people enjoy the power they wield over someone.

dvdnvwls
01-17-15, 12:46 PM
I don't think it's necessarily a sign that he's "enjoying power" or anything like that. It's more likely that he's just not aware of the emotional results of some of his actions. The fact that you've told him doesn't mean he really understands, unfortunately.

I know you say you want him back, but as Pilgrim said, consider that his behaviour might not change; do you still want him then? If you really do want him back and you don't mind if he continues to act this way, then I guess you know what to do.

ChicagoGirl15
01-17-15, 04:28 PM
If I could understand his behavior I think is be better suited to answer that. This whole thing has sent me on a spin and I have only known him 3 months!! My ideal situation would be to be a psychic and be able to tell if he cares about me, wants me back or was just being friendly. Unfortunately that is not happening. Going to do my best to pick up the pieces and move forward.

ToneTone
01-17-15, 06:47 PM
Actually, a psychic, even one who could deeply read his mind, would be useless for you right now.

Why? Well, speaking as a man who spent my 20's throwing crazy signals at women, similar to the confusing signals you got here, there's a good chance, he doesn't know himself what he thinks and certainly not what he feels. Your psychic would only come back to report a mess of confused thoughts and emotions.

It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels about you. What matters is that it is clear he is not ready for a serious relationship with you and he doesn't know how to treat you. And if you for one moment "forgive," or look past or put up with such treatment, you would be inviting more of it.

When a man is this much of a mess, there is not necessarily a coherent thought line that he could express or that the psychic could identify. And to the extent that you could identify clear, uncluttered thoughts, they are most likely disconnected from feelings ...

He does know this much: He knows he suddenly and inexplicably withdrew from you. But instead of facing up to that, and giving you an explanation, he does the "pretend things are normal" thing by sharing something that is inappropriately "normal" and doesn't fit the context of his previous behavior ... and then uses the "throw her a compliment" thing.

You are not missing anything. There's no secret key to making sense of what he's doing. He's just confused and emotionally immature. Most likely, he's confused about even what he's feeling. Wow, you are bringing it all back: I sent more messages like that than I care to admit ... I'm not sure why I sent them or what the point was ... other than that in some part of my brain, I didn't want the person mad at me for abruptly withdrawing ... But why I abruptly withdrew from someone in the first place, I wouldn't have been able to come up with the foggiest of reasons.

This may or may not have to do with ADHD. Either way, relax and move on.
And I want to take this opportunity to apologize to the women I sent crazy signals to years ago .. Lord .. I was doing my best ... but my best wasn't enough. I had a lot of growing up to do!

Good luck.

Tone

ChicagoGirl15
01-17-15, 09:28 PM
Honestly, after some deep Facebook snooping, I have decided this. He traveled 400 miles home for Christmas. That is when he withdrew and then left me. There just so happens to be a girl back home that I suspect he is involved with. Again, just based off Facebook snooping. Apparently he would rather be with a girl that lives 400 miles away than me. No words to describe my level of devastation.

dvdnvwls
01-17-15, 09:39 PM
Honestly, after some deep Facebook snooping, I have decided this. He traveled 400 miles home for Christmas. That is when he withdrew and then left me. There just so happens to be a girl back home that I suspect he is involved with. Again, just based off Facebook snooping. Apparently he would rather be with a girl that lives 400 miles away than me. No words to describe my level of devastation.

Your suspicion may be completely unfounded, or absolutely correct, or somewhere in between. But regardless of that, IMO the fact that you're facebook snooping (and drawing important conclusions about his life just from that) probably means he shouldn't trust you in the future, and the fact that he treated you so weirdly probably makes him a poor partner for you, so as they say "maybe it's all for the best".

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 01:29 AM
I agree. It's too much for me. He randomly texted me tonight asking to be friends. I declined the offer because it will just upset me. Thanks all for the responses.

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 01:33 AM
And please let me add: when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give. Which is completely unfounded because I never asked or pressured him for anything other than to not go 3 days without speaking to me.

KentUnknown
01-18-15, 02:20 AM
And please let me add: when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give. Which is completely unfounded because I never asked or pressured him for anything other than to not go 3 days without speaking to me.

I had a girlfriend when I was 17, and one day I woke up and felt I didn't have the spark anymore, when the day before I was over the moon in love with her. I loved that girl so much, everyday I wanted to see her, and I made sure it happened (even though she probably didn't ALWAYS want to see me). She deleted me on facebook and I was pretty angry at that, and declined her friend request a couple weeks later. I regret it, cause I miss her, and realized that was such an impulsive and misguided decision on my part to end things abruptly one day. The worst part was I didn't have the balls to give her a reason, and for a couple weeks we were in this dance where we didn't know if we were dating or broken up, we didn't see eachother.

Point is, I can guess that he may have felt this that day, combined with his losses and the triggers you have mentioned. Just know that he is asking to be friends, which to me means he would like to get to know you, and maybe see if you are willing to understand his struggles. Cause believe me, there are Struggles alright.

If I can make a suggestion, you can take it or leave it, I would be friends with him, and continue to learn about ADHD and its variety of symptoms and how different they are for each person. Don't put any pressure on yourself or him to make it anything more, just grow and love eachother as friends, and if you want more after that, you know you have made the right decision.

dvdnvwls
01-18-15, 02:45 AM
And please let me add: when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give. Which is completely unfounded because I never asked or pressured him for anything other than to not go 3 days without speaking to me.

As an ADHDer, I often don't actually know what my own feelings are, and if you ask me urgently for an explanation of how I feel, I might (consciously or not) decide that I have to make something up in order to satisfy you that I'm not an unfeeling monster and not a freak. If other people with ADHD ask me how I feel, I can (without too much fear) say "I don't really know, let me get back to you on that" - but when talking to a "normal" person, there's often a feeling that things might go badly if I admit having strong feelings and yet not knowing what they are.

RobboW
01-18-15, 04:38 AM
And the pressure of someone wanting to know can force a hasty retreat. Fright/flight response.

Also, to an ADDer, the string of questions can come across as an interrogation.

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 11:58 AM
Appreciate you all for the further response. You taking out the time to help me means so very much to me.

When he left me in December, after he traveled home for the holidays, he just fell off the face of the Earth. After 5 days of not hearing from him I had to confront him and maybe I did it in the wrong way, but when he finally called me he explained being home was upsetting him then he went on the tangent about guilt about his kids, not being ready to date, upset over death of brother and dad, etc. At that time he was so cold and dismissive of my feelings which was rare because prior to that, he was ALWAYS so sweet and caring towards me. I told him I was hurt and he couldn't even acknowledge it. This was a first for me in my 32 years.

At that point I let him go and he comes back 10 days later by texting me the picture of his niece,made small talk, and complimented me saying I was amazing and beautiful. Now here we are a week later and he is saying we should be good friends?!

Back in December, the very night before he cut off contact and got distant, I kid you not: the man was smitten with me. He was all "I missed you, you are amazing, you are beautiful, you're too good for me, you're my angel". He proceeded to tell me of new places he wanted to take me to eat and then the very next day he went POOF! on me. To say I was shocked is an understatement.

I guess I am just rehasing what I have already said but I need to let it out. I am obsessing about it and I am STILL wondering what is so wrong with ME that he did that to me and why I am only worthy of "being friends". All day long I go "maybe if I was prettier, more fun, more xyz" and it is very hurtful.

Thank you for letting me vent. I want him in my life but if we are friends then I think I will find that too hurtful. I want him on a romantic level and apparently I can't have it. I even told him last night that I was content with what we had and that I did not want any more from him when we was dating--that I knew he could only see me 2 times a month and that I was ok with it. I feel like I gave him an "in" to say "Ok, then let's date again if you are ok with it" and yet still he only continued to say "let's be friends". I guess I need to just give up at this point.

willow129
01-18-15, 12:06 PM
And please let me add: when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give. Which is completely unfounded because I never asked or pressured him for anything other than to not go 3 days without speaking to me.

Actually, I think those two reasons for leaving you are the same. He was overwhlemed, therefore, could not give you what you needed. That actually seems pretty clear to me. Two sides of the same coin.

I'm glad you disagreed to being friends with him. I think you do need to distance yourself. It sounds like you are just torturing yourself about the whole thing. I think you likely will never have the answers and that's the only thing you can say to yourself for certain when you start asking yourself "But why...?!" "I will probably never have the answer for that." :( I'm sorry it ended up that way. I hope he stops trying to communicate with you - not because I think he's a bad person or anything, but because I don't think it's going to lead anywhere for either of you :(

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 12:33 PM
Willow-thanks dear.

I guess I just took it as this:
--In December: I"m too stressed, my life is a mess, I'm not in a good spot to date right now.
--Last night: It is all MY fault because he feels I am needy and was demanding more from him. (He didn't call me needy, that is just how I took it). Which is not the case at ALL. I literally thanked this man for every small thing he did for me and told him over and over and over how much I appreciated the time he did give me because I know how busy of a life he has with work travel and kids. We only talked for 2 months but in that time never did I say "I love you", ask him for a real relationship, say that I needed more from him, ask to see him more, NOTHING. I very rarely even initiated contact and he often commented "You know you should call/text me more". I was the most unclingy girl you could ever meet. The ONLY thing I ever did comment on was that he wouldn't talk to me for days at a time sometimes. That did bother me and I asked him about it 3 times and he always said he is just a bad communicator.

Maybe they are the same but I am in a fog and right now all I can hear is "You're needy and that's why I dumped you".

willow129
01-18-15, 12:39 PM
:( I'm sorry!! I wish it wasn't so confusing! But you definitely should not blame yourself. I really don't think you did anything wrong.

I hope you find someone who is more stable, for sure.

I wonder if in the meantime spending time with friends and family will help distract you from things? Or, you know, a project of some sort? Knitting?! Lol

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 12:59 PM
Nothing has worked. It's been 3 weeks and I have TRIED. Trust me. I even took a vacation and that didn't work. I have an appt with a therapist on Wed so I hope that works. The anxiety and depression is consuming me whole. I just feel so discarded and worthless. Had he and I had issues, I would understand and could accept it. However, he literally went from "Don't give up on me and I couldn't possibly like you more" to leaving me. I was blindsided.

willow129
01-18-15, 01:02 PM
Therapist = great idea!!! Good luck ChicagoGirl! I'm glad you are taking steps to help with the situation :)

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 01:03 PM
pS-he told me 2 or 3 times that he is a mess and that he's not as perfect as I think he is. He also told me he's bad at dating and relationships and will likely never have one again because he travels so much and has kids, leaving him no time to date. I always reassured him that i was content because i travel just as much. I guess I can say he warned me up front... I've never had a man tell me on a first date "I am a mess".

Thanks for listening. That's what I need right now. An ear.

willow129
01-18-15, 01:17 PM
I've never had a man tell me on a first date "I am a mess".

Thanks for listening. That's what I need right now. An ear.

Ha!!! me neither!! I wonder if it would have saved me some trouble ;)
Though from your story - probablynot! I would have gone all, "oh I'll save you from your mental demons" on him probably :P

I dated this guy in college who would go in and out of talking to me, then NEEDING ME DESPERATELY, you know the whole thing. Anyways, then he asked to take a break because he needed space. After a week of that I realized, I felt so much better!! I wasn't being jerked around anymore. So I decided, let's break up permanently actually. Ha, he was quite upset, it was so weird! Like, wait, YOU wanted to take a break. What did you think was going to happen?! And he kept begging me to come back and I did a couple of times but, I had already seen the light! Haha anyways, it was about a semester of kind of back and forth that I really could have done without, for sure.

ANYways
I'm glad to help :)

ToneTone
01-18-15, 03:22 PM
ChicagoGirl,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this agony. There is nothing worse than feeling like you hit it off with someone only to have that someone retreat and disappear. When people do that, it hurts, it's confusing, it challenges your basic sense of sanity.

I have been both sides of this situation: the person in your situation and the person acting like the guy you speak of. After much pain, I have come to accept the wisdom of Dating Rule #1: When someone tells you on the first date that they believe in bigamy, or spend too much time with their mother, or gamble too much, or have trouble keeping a job, have a drinking problem or that they are a mess, believe them. Believe them. Believe them.

If the women who heard me say I was a mess on date #1 had followed Dating Rule #1, they would have avoided heartache. And if I had listened when women told me they were a mess on date 1, I would have saved myself tons of heartache.

I urge you not to take this guy's behavior personally. If this guy were to have a great first date with Cameron Diaz (or take your pick of pinup movie star), he would act the same way. He could put up a good front for a date or two, but after that he would feel overwhelmed and he'd retreat and disappear. He's incapable of acting differently.

You write, "when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give.

Actually those two statements mean the same thing. I used to say this to women all the time. I would report being stressed--and the truth was my life was such a mess that I was always stressed. And I would sense that the other person wasn't as nutty as I was, and so I would guess/imagine that they wanted more. He's saying you wanted more because he knows any half-way sane woman (or anyone looking for more than random hook-ups) would want more.

There is actually a "feeler" for a relationship based on random meetings in his comments to you. Here's what he's really saying, "if you are OK with inconsistency, if you are OK with a guy you can't rely on, a guy who may call you out of the blue and want to get together, with no strings attached, then I'm your man."

The only person he would really be comfortable with is someone with low esteem and who is cool with him randomly coming and going, someone totally cool with him being unreliable. I don't sense that this person is you.

Good luck.

Tone

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 03:28 PM
Tone-thank You. I can't tell you how much that helped. I'm almost in tears from everyone's support. I promise you all I normally don't fall apart like this with breakups. This one is different and harder on me because it came out of nowhere.
Again-thank you from the bottom of my heart. I just wonder how in the world he managed to be married for 11 years. I know she cheated so that kinda leads me to believe she had her share of problems with him too. Not that cheating is ever justifiable.

RobboW
01-18-15, 04:35 PM
You need to stop blaming yourself and stop asking why why why. The answer will never be clear because you don't suffer ADHD and can't really understand just how faulty we can sometimes be, for no logical reason. I suggest the two of you will not be long term compatible because this guy is just not a normal, stable guy. He's a confused and mixed up mess.

Don't beat yourself up about it and move on because you are torturing yourself and I bet he is oblivious to this. A large part of ADHD is emotional disregulation and inappropriate response. Poor chemical brain regulation, bad learned habits, this guy may not realise the effect of his actions. Chalk it up to experience and wait for someone else. Don't keep thinking of this guy because it's just not going to work.

dvdnvwls
01-18-15, 05:02 PM
I just wonder how in the world he managed to be married for 11 years. (...)

You will never know the answer to that, ever. You will never know the answers to any of the other interesting questions about him that your brain might come up with either. One reason that it's a good thing you two aren't together is that you will never understand why he is the way he is.

Every moment you spend thinking about him is a moment wasted, because even if you suddenly knew the answers to all these questions, what would you do then?

I don't mean to perpetuate any stereotypes, but... anyone want some ice cream and a distracting movie? :)

ChicagoGirl15
01-18-15, 08:36 PM
Thanks Rob and DVD. Hopefully starting therapy will help me deal with my anxiety and obsessing about the situation. For now this site is the only thing giving me any peace of mind. Can't thank you enough.

dvdnvwls
01-18-15, 10:50 PM
Finding a therapist who you "click" with (and who really helps you of course) is a great idea. Having real-life friends to go for coffee with (or exercise together, or whatever you and your friends like to do) and just talk about things is also extremely valuable.

sarahsweets
01-20-15, 04:59 AM
Therapy can help. You need to find out why you care so much about someone who doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about him and why that matters so much.

TLCisaQT
02-10-15, 08:43 PM
Maybe just thank God you dodged a bullet?? :) The only thing worse than investing 3 months into this relationship would have been investing 3 more. On a more serious note, this was awhile ago and I am hoping you are feeling better about it all and have been able to move on and find other fish in the sea.

ChicagoGirl15
02-16-15, 08:21 PM
Hey! I just happened to log in today and saw I had a new reply.
No, I think I honestly feel worse. And that is saying a lot because I have been working with TWO therapists since he ended it.

That being said, I have learned some interesting things since he and I parted ways. One being he has a few incidents with the cops. One incidence of domestic violence from years ago (she filed for an EPO as well but dropped it within a week), one for beating up 2 guys at a bar 10 years ago (one needed 14 stitches!!)-he got a 30 day jail sentence and only served 3 days, and another incident in which his own future sister in law called the cops on him a few years back.

So yes, maybe I did dodge a bullet but I keep rationalizing everything for him and I am STILL stuck in the "what is so wrong with ME that he ended it"?

Each therapist I've been too has suspected he's also bipolar but I know it's unfair to assume that without him actually getting a proper diagnosis.

Either way, I appreciate you checking in. I'm just trying to take it day by day and work on ME because I'm the only one I have any control over.

dvdnvwls
02-16-15, 08:26 PM
You are indeed the only one you have any control over, and that's a very good point.

Getting to know someone who has a disorder that you never knew about can be extremely confusing, because without evidence to the contrary, you are inclined to think you're getting "normal" reactions from a "normal" person. When the person reacts to you in ways that would be impossible for a "normal" person, you can easily come to believe that you yourself have gone crazy. You're not crazy. Please don't blame yourself. There's nothing wrong with you that made him that way. It may be that he has some disorder. Then again, maybe he doesn't. But the fact is, he was bad for you and he would still be bad for you today.

When you rationalize his behaviour, it's not helping him. "Giving him the benefit of the doubt" is wrong, because there isn't any doubt. He may be all right for someone else - that's their business - but for you, he's a disaster.

dvdnvwls
02-16-15, 08:37 PM
ChicagoGirl15: I'm posting this on a gut feeling - it might not apply to you at all, and if it doesn't, then please disregard it.

The pronouns in the following paragraph are messed up. I'm sorry I don't know how to fix them. :)

There's no such person as "Us". Things can be "good for you", "good for him", "bad for you", "bad for him" - but that's all. Nothing can ever be "good for us", because there is no "us". (Except when "good for us" only means "good for you AND good for him, at the same time".)

ChicagoGirl15
02-16-15, 10:29 PM
DVD-trying to figure out what you mean... I guess things weren't good for "us". We had some very happy times, he was without a doubt very interested in me, I even gave him 3 chances to "walk" and he was always so quick to reassure me (his communication would drop off for a few days, I'd tell him I felt he wasn't into me and he'd express just how interested he was and say "don't give up on me, I'm just bad at dating"), but at the end, I can only conclude things were no longer good for him. He traveled home for Christmas, I didn't hear from him for 5 days, I got upset, told him I felt he wasn't interested and that was it. At that point he became cold and uncaring and gave his whole spiel about his life being a mess and wanting to be friends.

I am going to work on myself and try to determine why I don't feel good enough and keep blaming myself.

dvdnvwls
02-16-15, 10:57 PM
My post obviously didn't make much sense. Let me try again.

Some people make a big effort to take care of "the relationship" as if it was a person with needs and feelings, and who are willing to do something that's both bad for themselves and bad for their partner if they think it will be good for "the relationship". I thought there was a chance you might do that sometimes.

ChicagoGirl15
02-16-15, 11:07 PM
Gotcha. And thanks for clarifying. I appreciate your time and willingness to help! Yes, I think I was willing to do things that I felt were good for the relationship but not necessarily me. We weren't even a couple, just dating but I know it bothered me that we had 2-3 day lapses in communication. (Omg, now I feel so ridiculous for getting so bent out if shape over it) but I would have been willing to forgive him and overlook it. However, at Christmas, when I was already having anxiety, it just got to be too much for me. Especially when he said we'd likely see each other over the holiday break and then he just disappeared. It hurt my feelings and I lost my cool.

I was willing to look over all the other red flags, like you said-doing something not good for "me" because I cared about him.

In the end, it's done and over. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. Next time I will just listen better. If a guy tells me on date 1 that he's a mess, I will pay attention and move on.

FreewayFlyer04
02-16-15, 11:51 PM
Gotcha.
I was willing to look over all the other red flags, like you said-doing something not good for "me" because I cared about him.

In the end, it's done and over. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. Next time I will just listen better. If a guy tells me on date 1 that he's a mess, I will pay attention and move on.

Just happened to click on this thread, and read it all through. If you were my daughter, (yes I am old) I would tell you that you are absolutely right to grieve over what wasn't, and to be thankful for what was.

Remember, you are valuable just as you are, and that a real man would treat you as an intelligent partner in whatever endeavors you chose to pursue.

This guy created an illusion of where he wanted to go with you, and he was good enough to make it a reality for a little while.

I am sorry that your heart hurts.

ChicagoGirl15
02-17-15, 12:20 AM
Kind words Freeway. I appreciate that. I guess I just want so badly to know why it couldn't have been a "reality" for longer. I adored him, despite all the warnings he gave me.

My heart does hurt, and maybe what we shared was for but the briefest of time, but I felt for him what I haven't felt for anyone in a long time. Day in and day out I question why it had to end, why I wasn't enough, why why why. This board has been my saving grace during my worst days. I was doing so well with moving forward. Valentines Day set me back.

I appreciate all of you.

dvdnvwls
02-17-15, 12:22 AM
Every relationship is going to involve some compromise somehow. Each person always ends up having to do some things they'd really rather not, but those things make life so much better for the other person that it would be better to accept than to refuse. It really depends on the individuals; we all have certain things in life that are very important to us and that we can't or won't change, and other things that we could be persuaded to sacrifice for the right reason.

Practical (and true) example: My gf has Asperger's (a form of autism). I enjoy hanging out with groups of people and talking a lot, but she can't stand doing that, or at least very little of it. When we met, I didn't yet know that she was autistic, and I thought "Well, she can try to be more social, and I can learn to do with less, and we'll meet halfway". I eventually asked her something about that, still unaware of her autism... sort of "Do you think it will take you long to get used to being with people a little more?" - and she replied something like "Probably never, sorry".

I was surprised, but as the conversation went on, it wasn't difficult to see that she was serious and that this wasn't really under her conscious control. I didn't have to think twice to realize that if it came to a choice between [frequent socializing but my gf feeling anxious and pressured] or [extremely limited socializing and her feeling much better] that I was happy to be the one to change my ways.

But in our relationship (and this is important) there is no feeling from either of us that one person is doing all the changing and the other is staying like before. I change that, she changes something else, and it all works out somehow. We match up pretty well, with similar expectations and similar values, so neither one has to make much in the way of radical changes. (That was something both of us had very bad experiences with in the past, exes who expected us to magically remove our psychiatric conditions so we would think and act just like them - according to them this would be because they were "normal" and therefore "right".)

A relationship where one person is making - or even just allowing - the other person to do all the changing is not usually workable, even if the one who's doing all that changing says they're okay with it. Regardless of how willing you are to change things, there's only so much a person can take. "Playing hero" and twisting yourself into a pretzel to save that kind of relationship isn't worth it.

A relationship where the pair are far apart on a lot of things but both are happily making a lot of changes to make things better is going to be hard work, but at least it has a good chance.

If two people are not all that far from agreeing already, and both are willing to change enough to bridge the gaps, that's probably as good (and as easy) as it gets.

It may sound somewhat cold-blooded to have written it out this way, but really it isn't. When people feel that they're basically being treated fairly, that sure they have to change some things but so does the other person and it's all worth it because then you're both happy, things really do work a lot better.

It's not supposed to hurt. I learned early that being in a relationship was supposed to hurt, because I got put down constantly for being the way I am, and I spent many years being "the defective one who needs to shape up". My life has changed, and one of the main changes has been learning that when you're with the right person you're supposed to feel okay about yourself all the time, even when something has temporarily gone wrong. Maybe that sounds crazy, especially coming from a guy who's over 40, but that's how it happened for me.

anonymouslyadd
02-17-15, 12:28 AM
And please let me add: when he dumped me in December he said he was too overwhelmed with life: brothers and fathers death, divorce, guilt over his kids, job stress, etc. TONIGHT he said he left me because he felt I needed more from a relationship than he could give. How did he go from saying all that in to December to tonight saying it was just because I need more than he can give. Which is completely unfounded because I never asked or pressured him for anything other than to not go 3 days without speaking to me.
Obviously you care deeply out this guy, and I'm sorry youre going through this.

I suggest you avoid any contact with him while you heal.

He may have felt that the things you needed added to the presssure he was already facing. With ADD, it's difficult to manage stress happening all at once and feeling the pressure of meeting someone's needs may have put him over the edge.

ChicagoGirl15
02-17-15, 12:32 AM
DVD-thank you.
Anon-I feel that is a fair assumption.

anonymouslyadd
02-17-15, 12:48 AM
DVD-thank you.
Anon-I feel that is a fair assumption.
If you can understand what his expectations were along with your own needs, you may have better understanding of the situation. Also, my therapist used to talk to me about not taking baggage from an old realtionship to a new one. Therefore, she taught me the importance of knowing my part in the end of the relationship and as nauseating it was, she was right.

ChicagoGirl15
02-17-15, 01:01 AM
I definitely know what my part was and I kick myself for it every day. He had told me numerous times I should call-text him more. I usually made HIM initiate contact.

So, when I didn't hear from him for 5 days, rather than going on attack and shooting off "I'm going to assume you aren't interested anymore..." And he replied with "it's not that,...my life is complicated" I should have let it be and dropped it. But no, I shot back "It takes all of 30 seconds to send a text and obviously I'm not that important to you...." I didn't handle it well, but I was just so hurt. He had been on Facebook 24/7 and I felt if he had time for that, he had time to tell me Merry Christmas.

So, I shouldn't have attacked like I did OR I should have just done as he had asked and texted him. It could have just been a simple "hope you're having a great day" and this may have been avoided.

I do feel like I blew it.

PS-I'm 33 years old. Please don't think I'm crazy. I normally handle breakups 100% better. But with those breakups, I didn'tbeat myself up over or have so many unresolved questions.

This one bruised my ego and hurt a lot more. He meant a lot to me.

dvdnvwls
02-17-15, 01:11 AM
A lot of people with ADHD basically can't initiate contact. We would if we could. We are weird, and ADHD doesn't make sense. If ADHD made sense then it would just be normal and there wouldn't even be a name for it.

anonymouslyadd
02-17-15, 01:13 AM
I definitely know what my part was and I kick myself for it every day. He had told me numerous times I should call-text him more. I usually made HIM initiate contact.

So, when I didn't hear from him for 5 days, rather than going on attack and shooting off "I'm going to assume you aren't interested anymore..." And he replied with "it's not that,...my life is complicated" I should have let it be and dropped it. But no, I shot back "It takes all of 30 seconds to send a text and obviously I'm not that important to you...." I didn't handle it well, but I was just so hurt. He had been on Facebook 24/7 and I felt if he had time for that, he had time to tell me Merry Christmas.

So, I shouldn't have attacked like I did OR I should have just done as he had asked and texted him. It could have just been a simple "hope you're having a great day" and this may have been avoided.

I do feel like I blew it.

PS-I'm 33 years old. Please don't think I'm crazy. I normally handle breakups 100% better. But with those breakups, I didn'tbeat myself up over or have so many unresolved questions.

This one bruised my ego and hurt a lot more. He meant a lot to me.
It made me sad reading this, and I didn't mean to put you on the offensive. Breakups are never easy. It seems like you really want to understand, and I'm grateful that there are people like you out there.

ChicagoGirl15
02-17-15, 01:38 AM
Thanks all for helping me through this. I couldn't do it without you.

He had asked to be friends. I declined.

10 days later he contacted me and it have me hope. Though it was just small talk. A few days later I contacted him. Again, small talk.

Then, I started Facebook stalking him and during a drunken night out I WRONGLY accused him of leaving me for another girl.
The next day he again asked to be friends. I declined because my heart can't handle it.

3 weeks passed, I again reached out. More small talk. Finally I broke down in Sunday and texted him "I miss you. Sad face". (sad face was a joke we had). He never responded. It's been almost 2 days now and his silence is killing me. I wish there were a way to turn back time and fix it but his silence is letting me know all I need to know, that he doesn't want me.

Lesson learned and until I heal, I will be here.

ChicagoGirl15
02-17-15, 01:39 AM
DVD-sadly I didn't know that. I didn't make any attempts to understand until AFTER we had "broke up".

ChicagoGirl15
03-23-15, 01:43 AM
Hi all. I felt compelled to come back and offer an apology of sorts.

To begin, just a recap in case you don't read the entire background story--in October 2014 I started online dating a man. A man that certainly by all means seemed VERY interested in me. The only "odd" thing I noticed is that he would sometimes go days without talking to me or would start a conversation and then never say anything back. I guess this really wasn't a big deal as we hadn't even met at the time, but it didn't sit well with me for whatever reason. On 3 different occassions because of this I gave him an "out" (by saying I felt he wasn't interested) and he was always very quick to call me and assure me he was, just that he was bad at dating and communicating. Anyway, we finally met, had 3 wonderful dates in December and then he traveled home in December for Christmas, I didn't hear from him in 5 days and POOF! He was gone.
A little background on the guy: We met in October, he had only been officially divorced for 3 months. He admitted to being ADHD on date #1. Told me on Date #1 that his dad was bipolar and schizo, seemed to be very intent on me understanding what bipolar is. His brother committed suicide in 2011. Wife cheated on him for 1.5 years. Has his 2 kids 10 days a month. Travels US for work about 5-10 days a month. Told me several times that he is a "mess". Told me that "he's not as perfect as he seems". Told me he is struggling to "forgive" (I just assumed he meant his ex wife). Told me he has had cops called on him 3 times in the past, once by ex-wife, once by sister in law, and once by ex girlfriend "back home when 2 guys tried to beat me up at a bar".

Anyway, when he and I had a talk back in December when I questioned him why he disappeared on me he said "I am back home for the holidays and I am upset. I miss my dad, I miss my brother, I feel guilty about my brothers suicide, I feel guilty about not seeing my kids more, I don't even know if I will have a job/home in 3 months, and I shouldn't have been dating, I shouldn't have come on so strong to you, and I shouldn't have rushed things with you".

Now, I was VERY hurt especially since I was VERY unclingy with him, so much so that he questioned me a few times about MY interest in him and even said "you should call/text me more". Furthermore, I certainly didn't feel like I rushed into things--I didn't ask for more of his time, didn't ask him to meet my family or friends, so I can only assume he meant he shouldn't have rushed into dating period. Either way, he did later tell me "You seem to need more from a relationship than I can give".


So, to finally get to my point. I had to start therapy because my self esteem took a huge blow after this. I wasn't coping like I am normally able to after a breakup. I think the reason is because I felt like everything was going SO good (ok, as good as could be considering he told me he's a mess and that he has had the cops called on him) and then he just totally blindsided me by disappearing on me. It was only THREE dates so there was no reason for me to be in such despair afterwards.

I started the therapy and in doing so, I've had to run through 3 therapists to find one I "click" with. They ALL feel very strongly that this guy was also bipolar, especially considering it was so important to him to make me understand bipolar on Date 1 and say that his dad was bipolar. I know it is unfair for me to "assume" he is but I just find it interesting that 3 have said that. Again, I understand he'd had to meet with one to get a diagnosis.

What I would like to do is say that I feel like such an idiot for coming on here and saying "He must have dumped me because of his ADHD". I was just scrambling for a reason to blame so I could put myself back together. I needed SOMETHING to hang my hat on and at the time his adhd was the easiest.

In that time I have realized this: This is a man who was 3 months out of a 16 year relationship in which he was cheated on. He went from seeing his children EVERY day to 10 days a month. He's stressed at work apparently, he lost his dad a year ago, and 3 years ago he was the one to find his brother dead from suicide. Furthermore, he has one charge of domestic violence on his record, a bar fight in which he hit a guy then he took off his shoes and fled the bar--the poor guy had to have 14 stitches and I will never understand why he took off his shoes to run out of the bar (super drunk?), and his own sister in law called the cops on him when he was fighting with his brother. All signs clearly point to: This guy was not in any shape for a relationship. Maybe he thought he was when he joined online dating, but obviously going home for Christmas was the flashing red flag that he needed to see he's not.

For 3 months now I've been beating myself up wondering why I wasn't good enough. Now, I can clearly see this is more than likely a timing issue and as he said "he's a mess".

For all of you that have ADHD or whatever else illness you may have, I apologize on behalf of myself and everyone else who are so quick to judge and want to point fingers at you. Maybe my guys ADHD DID play a role in the breakup, but more than likely it was just a combination of all of his stress and the loss of his marriage, missing his kids, and everything else.

I apologize if my thoughts are everywhere, tonight I just needed the gift of "venting" and came here to find it. I wish I could talk to my ex and tell him I wish him peace because I can't imagine having been through so much.

ToneTone
03-24-15, 09:36 PM
No need for an apology.

You were trying to honestly sort through what you thought was a condition that might be getting in the way. Good luck to you ... That's A LOT of stuff that got guy has going on ...

Tone

sarahsweets
03-26-15, 04:43 AM
Chicago girl- Your post was amazing and so validating. I cant rep from my kindle for some reason but it was just plain awesome!

Tmoney
03-26-15, 01:27 PM
I agree with ToneTone (great post by the way)
We make decisions based on what we think at the time which can make no sense to others around us.
His moving back home may have been an attempt to start fresh and clean. Once he got there he started realizing how much he missed you and that maybe he had made a mistake.
I wont say whether you should respond or consider, that has to come from you, but I will say that we do have a tendency to be self centered and selfish and he may have been thinking about his own sorrow more so than yours.

I was like that among other things, I ended up divorcing, but two years later got medicated and healthy and was fortunate to get back with my wife. 17 years now and we have never been happier.

Hope that doesn't confuse you, but people can change for the better!

I wish you good things!

ChicagoGirl15
03-28-15, 04:14 AM
Sorry, to clarify:he DIDN'T move back home. He just traveled back home for the holidays. I assure you this man was all over me prior to him going home. Once he got home to celebrate Christmas-POOF! He disappeared from my life. After 5 days I had had it and told him that I felt he wasn't interested. Prior to him going home, we had had a great date, he was very affectionate, and was excited about taking me to a new resteraunts after re holidays. That obviously never happened.

I guess traveling home for Christmas triggered something in him. Who knows. Months later and I'm STILL hurt. Not normal for me at all. I usually bounce back after a breakup.

Thank you all for the support you gave me. Much happiness to each and every one of you!

rickymooston
03-29-15, 08:35 PM
ChicagoGirl15

Skimming through your post, I am kind of wondering about you more than your former bf.

You went through therapy and had a hard time adjusting. You felt hurt, etc

Nothing to do with my ADHD but anyway I hope you find the triggers that caused you pain. I guess, part of it is, some part of you wants to
fix him?

As for your bf, you mentioned people calling the police on him and numerous other problems. This guy is pretty extreme apparently. I suppose this could be his ADHD but could be tons of other things as well. Doesn't matter though. He has to sort that out before engaging in relationships with people.

Christmas being nice? Yes, that's very normal. Likewise with the date (not living together) being o.k..

ChicagoGirl15
03-29-15, 11:17 PM
Ricky,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate all of you on here.

To address your question re: the triggers. To be honest, I'm not quite sure that I wanted to fix him. We dated such a short time that I can't say I honestly know "WHO" this man even is. I only talked to him for 1.5 months then met and dated for another month. 2.5 months total. To say I really know this man would be a lie and even bigger lie to say I understand his ADHD (and possible bipolar) and how is affects him. Most people are on their best behavior the first few months so no telling what he is "really" like once he lets his guard down. However, any man that tells a girl on a first date "I'm a mess" and tells me twice "I'm not as perfect as I seem" then I guess it is fair to say he was hinting that he had issues. Furthermore, dumping me and giving a long list of what is bothering him..well, there you go.

So, no, I don't think I wanted to fix him. I think my main hangup from this is "How can someone who is so "broken" and such a mess not want ME". As in, if he is such a mess, wouldn't I have been a good thing in his life?! Also, added to that rejection, the fact that he bailed on me so quickly. The fact that he went from "you're so beautiful, you're so amazing, I am so proud of you, you are too good for me, don't give up on ME, I really like you" then he travels home for Christmas and quits speaking to me then when I hound him for an answer, he ends things with me. THAT is what my issues are: I feel so rejected by someone who was by all means very into me and can't understand why someone who's such a "mess" would push ME away. I was not the least bit clingy, didn't demand more of his time, I was fun, etc.

It just hurts.

Yes, he's had the cops called on him atleast 4 times. Bar fight, domestic violence on wife (she hit him first according to police report), sister in law called when he was fighting with his brother, and his ex wife called on him claiming he had a gun in his briefcase but it was just her cell phone he stole from her to get evidence of cheating. He may have more of a criminal record but I am not sure.

Not sure what you meant by your last sentence of "Christmas being nice..."

Thanks again all for the replies. I am still working on "me" and dealing with the rejection and learning better coping skills and how not to internalize so much. It's a process..

twinsong
11-03-15, 04:25 PM
ChicagoGirl15--This is my story. The same thing happened to me. Same circumstances, same time of year--and yes, the psychic said he was a garbled mess in the head. I didn't know he was ADHD and am only finding out about this behavior now. We are in our second go-around--we broke up 8 months ago and he came back 2 months ago saying he was really going to try hard this time. Well, his hyper-focus wore off once again and here we are....
I finally found all these posts and websites and feel that I am not crazy. My feelings are validated and it wasn't my fault. On the surface he seems so normal...sweet, attentive, focused on getting things done. But then he just disappears and doesn't want to talk for days at a time. He'll send me a random (and many times unimportant or stupid) text a few times a day, but that's about it. He mentioned hyper focus on several occasions, and so I decided to finally look it up. What an eye-opener. When we finally talked about it, he said he doesn't feel he needs treatment because he enjoys the results of his hyper-focus (it's truly like a drug) and he doesn't want to label himself with ADHD because it makes him sound defective. Losing your marriage and every other girlfriend you've ever had seems more destructive to me than succumbing to a label and seeking help. It's sad because he doesn't seem like he is on the extreme spectrum (like some of the other stories I've heard on these sites), but I am not willing to be with someone who doesn't want to acknowledge the impact their disorder has on their partner and is not willing to find measures (even if just behavioral) to make a relationship work. I know I would be willing to figure out how to make it work and make sure he feels that he isn't defective if he would just be willing to try. The fear of an unknown future with him, especially when our relationship is relatively new (I've known him for a year and a half) is scary. Add that he doesn't want, or feel the need to work on his condition in order to save the relationship (although my gut tells me he'll try to come back once again when he gets sad or lonely), makes it feel impossible.

VeryTired
11-04-15, 12:46 PM
Hi, twinsong--

Welcome to ADDF.

I am glad that you are finding this resource positive. It is good to find common ground and learn more about what's been affecting you. By the way, there are lots of older posts here you may find valuable if you read backwards through the Non-ADD Partner Support board. And many non-ADHD partners of people with ADHD (like me) find it really helpful to read more broadly throughout ADDF overall as a way of learning more about ADHD and how it may affect our partners.

Also, a suggestion: you were actually replying to an older post. I don't know if the OP on that thread is still around, so you may or may not get a reply from her. You might find it helpful to create a new thread if you'd like to discuss your situation further.

all good wishes--