My partner of two years has just been diagnosed with ADHD in his twenties. This explains alot of issues including lack of self confidence at work due to thinking he was stupid (resulting from not being able to remember things, etc). He also has many other issues that now have some sort of explanantion, like misplacing keys/wallet on a regular basis, starting projects and rarely finishing them, etc.

My concern is, alot of our relationship issues seem to be explained by this discovery of ADHD, but I am aware that is not the root of all problems, so how much can I honestly put down to the ADHD? We are in a relationship that both of us are happy in, and spend 98% of our time happy. Now alot of the issues we seem to have is something I have seen mentioned alot on these forums. The main issues are he has alot of problems opening up and discussing his feelings, and the necessity for alot of personal space. We have talked about this many times, and he tries hard for a few weeks and then lapses back into keeping things to himself. He also spent some time feeling depressed (looking at it now I would assume because of issues that we now know are ADHD related) but as a result of that shuts alot of his emotions out. I don't want him to be depressed again, but by shutting out the bad things he is also stopping himself from experiencing all the good things.

The other main problem is he treats me as if he loves me, but is unable to tell me that he does. At first I was fine with this, but now after being together this long I find it hard to deal with. My confusion is that he treats me in a loving way and acts exactly as you would when in love, but cannot admit that he is. When we have discussed this he has said he loves no-one, not even his parents (justification for this is he doesn't think he would cry if they passed on). Now he has a great relationship with them and acts loving of them and defensive of them. What I am wondering is, I am not expecting that all of our problems will now be solved with this recognition of ADHD and the medication, but would these problems with opening up and recognising love and other emotions have something to do with this?

I am doing my best to research ADHD and understand what is going on in his head. I want to help him but also need some advice on what I am dealing with and if things are going to get easier and better for us? I myself am not ADHD so I want to do my best to understand him and help both him and our relationship. Any feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi and welcome to the forums lou,

My name is Cherity. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 10 this summer. I'm the ADHD one in this relationship. First of all let me give you a hug I know that being in love with an ADD'er isn't the easiest thing in the world; but, please take into consideration that loving a non-ADD'er isn't exactly a cake walk either. That said I do have some advice and some ideas that have worked wonders on my husbands and my marriage to pass on and hopefully they will work as well for you as they have for us.

My first thing is that not all things are ADD related sometimes its just the simple sex mix up. What men find important and what women find important don't always match up and we tend to communicate differently as well. So, work with what we know.

1.) He has a hard time opening up. The first time my husband said "I love you" was on our first anniversary if my memory serves me right. His reason was that he SHOWED me love everyday and didn't feel that he needed to say words that I hear everyday. Since getting married I have not had to mow the lawn, scoop snow, change a flat tire, scrape the ice off my windows in the morning (even at work, he comes by and scrapes them). IMHO men are more showers and women are more sayers. You need to hear the words though IMHO what my husband and I did was start a journal on our computer where we would write love letters back and forth or just little notes like "I appreciate everything you did for me today". Constant reminder of his devotion at your finger tips. It also helped us open up more to each other, we still use the journal but not very often anymore slowly somewere we found the way to say what was in our heart without embarrassment or fear of rejection.

Good luck and big hugs,
Cherity

I'm posting with a fever of 102 and am afraid I can't make sense of my own post. So, I will try and come back later and hopefully give you some better ideas. Sorry.

Thanks Cherity for your advice. I want to do my best to understand what is going on in his head and try and help our relationship.
I am worried about getting carried away with blaming all of our problems on ADHD, I am well aware some of them are just normal relationship issues, but so much makes sense now after reading about ADHD.
I guess the issue with him and his feelings and being unable to say 'I love you' has become a major concern in our relationship, he said to me today 'I am happy with you, I guess I don't know what I want, I'm just a plodder', yet to me we have everything that love is except those words. I am not trying to convince myself that ADHD is the only issue behind this but perhaps because at the moment he feels he doesn't know where he is heading in life in general (has only started medication today) could be the cause of his uncertainty within our relationship for him.
I guess what confuses me most is, as you said, males show their feelings rather than saying them and that's just the problem, he treats me like he loves me, he doesn't want to lose our relationship, but when it comes to actually saying 'I love you' his response is that if he doesn't feel comfortable saying it then he thinks that he doesn't mean it.
Anyway, sorry for blabbering on, just nice to get some feedback from others in my situation, thanks for the support.

NF-I think what you said made sense. It was very good advice, the whole computer journal thing. What a great idea.

lou12-One thing you may want to keep in mind is being newly diagnosed may be difficult for him to grasp right now. Have you tried to get him onto this forum. If is full of information for both of you.

Also, there is a thread here for non-ADDers in relationships with ADDer's. There will be many more ppl there that are in the same boat as you.

Come here often, and post, post, post, and read, read, read. This is a great place full of wonderfully supportive ppl.

I wish you all the best!!!

No I haven't gotten him on here yet. I am not sure his doctor has gone through what ADHD actually means with him, that is something I will talk to him tonight. He has just started medication today and is going back for a follow up next week. I will ask him to talk to the doctor about what ADHD means for him and also for us, and any advice. The amount I have learnt in the past 24 hours is just incredible... I knew it would explain his concentration and planning problems but I have learnt just so much more. And everyone here is so helpful!

Some people take the dx hard. Its as though they don't realize they are the same person today that they were yesterday now they just know what is wrong with them and they have a ton of tools at their disposal for working with ADD rather than fighting it all the time. My advice is give him a week to accept and then start researching ADHD and ways to cope together that way your both on the same page. There are many ways besides meds diet, BMP's, talk therapy, excercise, the list goes on and on and on.

Good luck and for today just accept that he loves you and its enough. Sometimes, its ok to sit back and just know without knowing if that makes any sense.

10 Things Adults with ADD Would Like Their Partners To Know

From Eileen Bailey,Your Guide to Attention Deficit Disorder.

1) I am a person, I have feelings, the capacity to give and receive love, and I yearn for compassion, understanding and caring in my life, just as you do. My thinking process and my learning style may be different, but that does not change my emotional needs.

2) Remember to find joy in my uniqueness.

3) Never assume that a careless word was intentional until you talk it over with me.

4) Take the time to learn as much as you can about ADD. Learning about it validates me.

5) Acknowledge my positive attributes and strengths and don't dwell on my faults and shortcomings.

6) I have ADD, I cannot get over it or get rid of it. I can, however, learn to manage symptoms of it. Some days I will be better at this than others.

7) I do not use ADD as an excuse.

8) ADD can cause me to be distracted. If you have something important to discuss, please save it for a time when distractions are at a minimum. Sit down with me, turn off the TV, make sure the kids are in bed.

9) Affirm that I am loveable and you love me in spite of my faults.

10) Because I have ADD, don't conclude that all relationship problems are my fault. Acknowledge your responsibilities for relationship difficulties and take corrective action, treating me like an equal partner shows you respect me as a person.

This list has been compiled from a number of sources, including: a friend with ADD (whose husband carries a similar list in his wallet as a reminder), her adult support group, interviews from a number of Addults, and a few of the recent questionnaires received.


20 More Things Adults with ADD Would Like Their Partners To Know

From Eileen Bailey,Your Guide to Attention Deficit Disorder.

Submitted by members



There is no correlation between ADHD and intelligence!
I am not selfish or lazy.
I may have to take notes, and if I write something that's irrelevant to the discussion, it's because I want to get it out of my brain so it doesn't distract me from what you're saying.
I'm not deliberately misunderstanding you. I do tend to latch on to a picture of what you're saying, and it can be wrong. If I ask interminable questions, it's because I want to be sure I get what you're saying. It's a sign of respect for you.
If I'm out of order, just tell me that. I get conclusions mixed in with facts easily, and with a little patience, we can work out what needs to come first, middle, and last.
I want my partner to allow me to win (Don't focus on what I did not get done or what I did incorrectly, look for what I have completed and accomplished and ignore the rest.)
Have the patience to allow me to learn what they are trying to teach.
You are one of the people who sustain me, and quirks or no quirks.. I have every intention of meeting your needs.
I try. Even if it looks like I'm not. I am also as tired of failures (maybe more) than you are. Just remember I try.
I am frustrated with my abhorent short term memory.
I prefer to refer to ADD as "Multi Focal Cognition" a term that better describes my drifting thoughts and tanganteal conversations.
The answer to the question: "Why can't you just get your act together and do things like normal people?" is: "Normal is a selection on a washing machine, imagine how boring we'd all be if we were all normal."
ADD is not something that gets "cured," but that gets treated and something that one lives with every day.
I will probably always forget thing, lose things, miss details and have difficulty paying attention. Some days will be better than others.
We think a little different, just as it is tough to understand how we think in your mind, so it is with us to understand how your mind "works". It doesn't make us stupid or uncaring, just different!
No two ADDers' symptoms and main problems are going to be exactly alike,
No one ADDer is going to be exactly the same in magnitude of problems from day to day.
Never forget that we're in this "together", to support, teach and learn from one another, always remembering that we all have challenges to conquer and we need to keep a positive attitude in meeting our challenges.
This is not anyone's fault, it just "is".
Accept me for who I am and relish my uniqueness.
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