View Full Version : [Trigger warning: suicide attempt] It seemed like such a good idea at the time...


Karamo
03-22-15, 08:29 PM
So, I've been feeling a wee bit, you know, suicidal, the last year and because of that I can't really be in my own apartment because of reasons. So I've been living with my mother for a while now, sleeping on the couch.

She's a daily amphetamine, subutex and xanax user since 25 years back. I'm disgusted everytime she draws up those lines with a card and then snorts the crap. But she has a heart of gold and would do anything for me and my sister, in times of trouble. We all have our vices, right?

I'm however not as tolerant.. At all. And I'm not very good at not being impulsive so when I woke up friday noon, my mother was visiting my grandmother which meant I was alone. I felt like total and utter crap and couldn't distract my mind with anything. Nothing works.

Of course, the bestest and most goodest way to handle such a precarious situation is definitely to leave my mothers stash of anti-anxiety meds alone, right?

So there I lay, crying like a little sissy, because lief iz 2 hard on meh zomg. First I take one Xanax 2mg. One hour goes and I still cry and feel like jumping through the window. I take one more and let another hour pass. Nothing. Bensos has never had a calming or sedating effect on me and I don't know why, we all react individually to medications.

I can't take it anymore so there I went, downed a whole box of Xanax, 20 or so Oxascand 15mg and all the codeine-based painkillers I had left (Ardinex).

Then it's lights out. I remember only fragments of these last days; my mother shaking me, trying to get life into me. My screaming off the top of my lungs at her and taking my things and my bike storming off. A girl comes to my apartment. We go to a party.

And now it's today and my head is clear. No memories other than those fragments I mentioned above. I have $1300 rolled up with a rubber band in my pocket, no idea where that came from. I've sent several texts of gibberish to different people. I've sent one very long one to my mother without one single spelling error, and this is what pains me the most; I describe in detail her every flaw as a person, how she went from being of average intellect to a dumbed down, revolting junkie pig who can barely tie her own shoes.

My sister was in Stockholm this weekend and we were supposed to meet up at my grandmother's and eat dinner and have a good time, but my sister sat there alone with grandma because my mother stayed behind to take care of her idiot son who decided to overdose on crap that won't even kill him.

And I totally tear her to pieces for it. All the things I wrote in that message to her are things I do believe are true; I hate her abuse, I hate her lack of introspection, I hate her failure to acknowledge factual truths etc etc. BUT I DON'T HATE HER! Dear God, everyone hates things about everyone they love and themselves but... I ended the text with "The only time I'll see you again is on your deathbed."

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I wrote those things and there is no way I can just apologize and say "Well hey, it's a topsy turvy world". After all she has done for me... I take her for granted everyday and look at her with a disdainful eye...

I can honestly, truthfully and rightfully say that I don't want to live right now because of who I am. Do I feel regret and remorse, yes. Do I feel that the things I said and wrote are untrue, no.

What should I do... I have no idea what to do anymore...

Pilgrim
03-22-15, 09:32 PM
Go and apologize to her. It can't hurt.

Little Missy
03-22-15, 09:42 PM
:goodpost:

Delboy31
03-22-15, 11:53 PM
Sorry things have been so rough. We all screw up sometimes, and your Mom is your Mom, maybe if you talk things might feel a little better.

Take care of yourself.

spunkysmum
03-23-15, 12:24 AM
I don't think even what you said is going to make you lose your mom. It's possible that what you said needed to be said, though maybe in a gentler, more diplomatic way. Maybe she didn't read the message, or at least maybe not the whole thing. Maybe when she got it she was too impaired to absorb it. Once a family member I was very close to wrote me a letter while in a mood that hurt me very much. I read it once, then tore it up. And it wasn't just my hurt and anger that made me tear it up. It was the knowledge in the back of my mind that if the situation were reversed and I had sent the hurtful letter, I would probably regret it almost right away and would hate the thought of the words I had written in haste still being out there somewhere where they could be read even though I no longer meant them. So it's even possible that if your mom got the text, she deleted it rather than read or keep the painful words around. You won't really know unless you talk to her.

InvitroCanibal
03-23-15, 01:44 AM
It sounds like there are more than a few questions here.

One is, how do you apologize to your mom?

Two is, how do you apologize to yourself?

Three is how do you move past what started this in the first place?

My first suggestion is that you read the book "the four agreements."
I have some assumptions from all of this:
There is some very heavy stuff you laid down here, and I can't really respond without making assumptions, so you'll have to forgive me for that.

First assumption is that you feel responsible for your mom as opposed to visa versa. When she was taking care of you at your lowest it made you feel helpless, you felt like you had no control so you took the meds to take back control.

My second assumption, is that you're showing a tug and pull with a need for absolute self control and then feeling self hatred because you feel you lack it or don't measure up at all. What you texted your mom was an act of self hatred, you can't accept her because you feel like you can't accept yourself.

It'd be easy to use a catch all solution but its not that simple. I don't know if you are asking the right questions so the place you need to start is there. You may be trying to create solutions to the problem without asking the right questions.

I read a lot of what you said happened but what I want to know is why you flipped emotionally in your writing from being distant, to being harsh to yourself when you admit to feeling anything at all?

My next question is why can't you apologize? Maybe you did have an impact on her maybe she knew you were delerious, but an apology seems necessary if you want to build a real relationship with your mom.

My next assumption in this regard is that you felt guilty for how,you felt, about your mom. You're avoiding her to avoid the guilt. You feel like you wanna crawl in a hole and die because of guilt.

And guilt seems to be playing the main theme in this story. Your mom im sure feels guilty for her addiction. This guilt transferred to you by making you feel like you can't talk about it. This led to suppressed feelings and feeling guilty for feeling because when we are kids we need to believe our parents are right and our beliefs or feelings are wrong.

By being honest and venting you have now crossed a silent agreement with yourself that if you criticize your mom and make her feel worse than you are a bad person.

The question is, is this valid?

If I cry fire when the house is on fire but everyone gets mad because they don't want to talk about what is clearly obvious than is it my fault or theres?

What you may need to realize or may come to realize is that you were in a closed family. You just opened the door to talking. Though it was a blow up, unfortumately the tighter you try to maintain control on your feelings the more pressure builds up and they explode. This was a long time coming and you have to see it as inevitable.


Finally these are the,things you will need to accept to move foreward

Absolute mental control is not possible
Absolute emotional control is not possible
Expect less. The more you expect, the more you will run away from those expectations because you will have to admit you do not have the ability to reach them.
Accept your limitations then set your expectations.
If you can not accept your limitations than you will set too high of expectations to compensate and distract from what you lack.
You'll run every time and you won't know why.
Then you will hate yourself for bringing to light what you can't accept.
Your limitations, your lack of control.

In our worst hour we often conjure our demons for company. You chose to face your lack of self control and bet with your life by taking those pills. You feel like you need to be punished for your limitations.

So, what needs to happen is that you accept yourself and in the proccess you will accept others. Understand that life is not about control it is about learning how to lose control. When we let go, we can actually enjoy life. It doesn't mean giving up. It means accepting yourself. Your strength can not fight lifes current. Being stronger isnt the answer. It requires first accepting your vulnerability and weaknesses without harsh judgement that you can't control the river. No one can. You can only steer, which means making small adjustments in anticipation of the future.

You can't steer if you do not have realistic goals. Your ship will hit an iceberg and you'll sink because you couldn't accept your ship wasn't strong enough to survive it.

The truth is, all my life i've heard people tell me strengths defined us, determined our success. So we all try to be strong and end up weak. We either hide from life in order to avoid conflict to our belief of strength or we cover our emotions, or we set ourselves up to fail and feel suicidal when we do.

Your value comes in your awareness and acceptance of yourself and others. The reality is what we all want most of all is truth and acceptance but not one without the other, we want to know that it will be okay that we don't have to be strong, that we can excel but not because we want to be the best but because that's where the river takes us.

The concept of blessed is when a man is given something not because he earned it but because it is his inheritance. I think we often feel guilty and so we feel we owe this imaginary debt all the time that compounds with interest. Or perhaps we want to believe that it can be earned.

When in reality it was given to us freely but our pride wouldnt let us take it for free. What "it" is, is happiness.

We all have the right to be happy but first you have to be free and realize you are a passenger in life, not a pilot. You can suggest where you want to go but it can take you anywhere. Instead of trying to only be what you want to be, look at what life is showing you. I hate the human potential movement because it assumes people can control how they feel or what they can accomplish. You can fight for what you want but you won't get it unless it is what you were born to be.

In short, my last point is that you can not expect more than your best and that your best doesnt equal control but it does absolve you of guilt and only when we do our best and let go, do we start enjoying life and stop judging and stop being afraid.

So, to apologize to your mom, I'd say something like this

Say something along the lines of this but doesn't need to be word for word, "I am sorry about what I said, it was more of a reflection of me than you in how I said it. The truth is I know you do your best, and I love you for that, you are a great person and that is why it is so hard for me to see you cope with life through your addiction. Some time, when you are ready, I want to talk about it. For righr now though I am truly sorry for what I said. I am not perfect either but we can only do our best"

stef
03-23-15, 04:31 AM
You can reach out to her her because surely she must understand the effects of the drugs you took!
And it seems like you've been bottling this up for a long time
so sorry you have been going through this, I wish I had something to help :grouphug:
No matter what my son said to me I would forgive him.

Abi
03-23-15, 05:02 AM
You know 40mg on Xanax has a small chance of killing you if combined with hard liquor. And I'm not sure about the opioid combos.


I once did 20mg klonopin with alcohol , antihistamines and codeine and didn't even sleep, but I have a ridiculous constitution. (It wasn't for suicide it was for severe anxiety and insomnia)

sarahsweets
03-23-15, 05:13 AM
Dont take this the wrong way but if you downed whole bottiles of those kind of meds, I would recommend seeking mental health treament ASAP. You may not have been attempting suicide but it coud have killed you.

Abi
03-23-15, 05:14 AM
Me or OP or both?

sarahsweets
03-23-15, 06:00 AM
The op says he downed bottles of pills so no,not you abi.

Me or OP or both?

Abi
03-23-15, 06:01 AM
You don't care for me?

Don't you know my drug and alcohol abuse is a cry for help :-S

Karamo
03-23-15, 11:10 AM
It sounds like there are more than a few questions here.

One is, how do you apologize to your mom?

By meaning it. Thing is, it's more complex than just saying that I either meant it or not but she doesn't understand that and I can't apologize to someone unless one fully understands why I apologize. I can't really live with lies at all even if it benefits everyone involved.

Two is, how do you apologize to yourself?

I don't. I did a really disgusting thing.

Three is how do you move past what started this in the first place?

By having no contact with my mother. A few years back I had no contact at all with her because of her drug habits (given, she had much less control of the abuse back then) and it worked well. But back then I was MUCH more emotionally stable and self-sufficient. I can't do this now.

The other option is to accept her abuse and mental decline, which of course I can fake doing for some time but eventually I will explode into a rant of some sorts. I just need a catalyst and that doesn't have to be pills. I seek out conflicts so that would prompt an outburst most likely.

But here I am, blaming my mother, when in fact it is I who am at fault. I have no impulse control and other people suffer for it. She has made her choice and she IS happier and more stable now than she has been in over 15 years. (I don't miss her suicide attempts where her delusional screams fades into unconsciousness and her heart stops beating)

My first suggestion is that you read the book "the four agreements."

Oh, books... Hmm, while I appreciate the suggestion, I can't read a book if my life so depended on it. I had to double my dex just to be able to comprehend these replies and motivate myself to answer. Baby steps, I guess :p

First assumption is that you feel responsible for your mom as opposed to visa versa. When she was taking care of you at your lowest it made you feel helpless, you felt like you had no control so you took the meds to take back control.

The bold is true, very true. I don't know if I took all the pills to take back control but I do know that when I took them I didn't really care much for anything anymore. Control, breathing, a future... I had not planned anything or forethought a reaction on anyones part. I just wanted away from consciousness. Permanently or temporarily did not matter - just away, and fast.

My second assumption, is that you're showing a tug and pull with a need for absolute self control and then feeling self hatred because you feel you lack it or don't measure up at all. What you texted your mom was an act of self hatred, you can't accept her because you feel like you can't accept yourself.

I'm tempted to write "ermagherd, wzup with all this psychobabblery", but the fact is that it does come together. I can not be for certain that it's that simple because I really do loathe her habits and I want nothing more in life than to be at the totally opposite end of the spectrum; in a surrounding that is healthy, stable and motivational. I want saturated, vivid and vibrant colors in life. Not these faded and tired ones. But once again, I am responsible for making that happen, no one else. Too bad my conditions makes me unable to accomplish even the slightest task independantly right now.

It'd be easy to use a catch all solution but its not that simple. I don't know if you are asking the right questions so the place you need to start is there. You may be trying to create solutions to the problem without asking the right questions.

I've most likely asked the correct questions a thousand times inbetween asking the wrong ones. In this mental state, every breath comes with a hundred questions. Feeling better greatly reduces the uncontrollable sense of doubt and questioning. Answers... If only they existed pure and without bias ;)

I read a lot of what you said happened but what I want to know is why you flipped emotionally in your writing from being distant, to being harsh to yourself when you admit to feeling anything at all?

I don't understand my emotional self, really. I can begin to write something in a sober and somewhat detached way but get "the feels" as I unravel my own wrongdoings, or someone elses pain et cetera. Maybe it's a HSP thingy or maybe I'm just loony. I'd like to think that I'm always so intellectually aware and void of emotional coloring but I'm not. Rather the opposite and on a scale from one to crazy, I'd say eleven.

My next assumption in this regard is that you felt guilty for how,you felt, about your mom. You're avoiding her to avoid the guilt. You feel like you wanna crawl in a hole and die because of guilt.

That about sums it up. The whole 'wanting to die'-thing has many more variables to it (i r so complax preson!!2two!!) but throwing away the last person who unconditionally loves me? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. She doesn't rant about my flaws. She loves me anyways. Why can't I do the same?

And guilt seems to be playing the main theme in this story. Your mom im sure feels guilty for her addiction.

No. She says the amphetamine has brought her to life. She admits that when she overdid it, it was wrong and at that particular time, she felt guild for abandoning me and my sister, but she insists that "moderate use" saved her life. She firmly believes that "if something makes you feel better, why should you not be able to do it?". She never questions these things intellectually.

This guilt transferred to you by making you feel like you can't talk about it. This led to suppressed feelings and feeling guilty for feeling because when we are kids we need to believe our parents are right and our beliefs or feelings are wrong.

It sucks to not be able to talk about it. I've never had any "adult role models" and as a very emotional and easily influenced person, I believe that it's a wonder that I'm still alive and not a criminal/junkie. The need for someone to "look up to" has always plagued me consciously since I've always been well aware of the fact that I've never had anyone for that purpose. I was never told that drugs were wrong per se. My mother wants me to start using with her. She says "It's good that you manage to stay away.. But I want you to be happy so there's always more", you know? Short-term thinking out of some warped kindness of her heart. I really want someone to put their foot down and tell me that drugs are bad, education is good etc etc bla bla. But I'm 30 now, not 12. It's all on my shoulders now and I don't know who I am.

By being honest and venting you have now crossed a silent agreement with yourself that if you criticize your mom and make her feel worse than you are a bad person.

Yes. At least by doing it the way I did.

The question is, is this valid?

It's not only valid, it's super valid. That's like... Twice as valid.

If I cry fire when the house is on fire but everyone gets mad because they don't want to talk about what is clearly obvious than is it my fault or theres?

That analogy is hard to put into this context as an arsonist is kind of, you know, a different deal...

What you may need to realize or may come to realize is that you were in a closed family. You just opened the door to talking. Though it was a blow up, unfortumately the tighter you try to maintain control on your feelings the more pressure builds up and they explode. This was a long time coming and you have to see it as inevitable.

Well, she is beyond rescue in the sense of "getting clean" both for medical reasons and for personal ones. But talking is a one way street because neither me or my mother are good listeners, albeit due to different reasons. I am stubborn, lack in attention and believe myself to be right. She is slow and makes up her own reality which she believes in a hundred and ten percent.

But I will apologize one of these days and I think that things will go back to how they were (which is a scary thought alone when you watch from outside). I just want change. In the right direction. Severing unhealthy ties might be my unconscious way of removing myself from a situation that inhibits my own progress... What do I know...

Fuzzy12
03-23-15, 01:24 PM
Phew, I'm glad you are ok!! (Or at least alive!!!)



I don't know what to do. I can't believe I wrote those things and there is no way I can just apologize and say "Well hey, it's a topsy turvy world". After all she has done for me... I take her for granted everyday and look at her with a disdainful eye...

I can honestly, truthfully and rightfully say that I don't want to live right now because of who I am. Do I feel regret and remorse, yes. Do I feel that the things I said and wrote are untrue, no.

What should I do... I have no idea what to do anymore...

There are lots of different ways in which you can apologize and more importantly, you can JUST apologize.

It sounds to me like you want to apologize for, undo or remove the hurt that your words probably caused your mom but you don't want to take back the words. That's perfectly fine and you can apologize for just that and I think, it will still help your mom knowing that 1. you regret saying hurtful things to her and 2. you did mean the things you said.

Maybe your mother won't understand your apology in the way you intend it but that is not a reason to not apologize..irrespective of how highly you value honesty. In fact, I'm struggling to understand why you think that apologizing is dishonest if there's the possibility of being misunderstood but definitely being misunderstood (by failing to apologize for whatever it is that you are sorry for) is somehow more honest? Unless you think that your words will have some sort of positive impact on her, which will be undone by an apology.

sarahsweets
03-24-15, 04:22 AM
Look, I dont want anyone to take this the wrong way, but the OP just talked about taking a sh*t load of pills and people are tallking about him apologizing to his mom?? What about his liver or mental health? All of that coedine isnt good for your liver and the thing is, you may not realize you have done damage to your liver until it begins to fail later on. OP you need some mental health help. PRONTO. I get it that you have issues with your mom and that part sucks big time, but overdosing on pills especially ilegally is a huge red flag! Im not judging I am concerned for your wellbeing.

Karamo
03-24-15, 07:03 AM
Look, I dont want anyone to take this the wrong way, but the OP just talked about taking a sh*t load of pills and people are tallking about him apologizing to his mom?? What about his liver or mental health? All of that coedine isnt good for your liver and the thing is, you may not realize you have done damage to your liver until it begins to fail later on. OP you need some mental health help. PRONTO. I get it that you have issues with your mom and that part sucks big time, but overdosing on pills especially ilegally is a huge red flag! Im not judging I am concerned for your wellbeing.

Hepatic failure would have presented with jaundice by now and renal failure would have led to abnormal water retention causing me to gain massive weight. There are no worries concerning my immediate physical health. Also "mental health help" is like saying "let's prove that God exists" - it's not just something you can do. I've been in the mental health loop for 15 years now and there's nothing that can be done unless I want to gamble on treatments where there is basically no coherent evidence on efficacy, like vagus nerve stimulation or other such obscure procedures xD

Why do people assume that if you feel like crap and don't want to live, that you don't have ongoing and frequent contact with psychiatry? Depression is not something you "cure" by "going to the doctor" - unlike a broken leg, you can't "fix" it since it's always more complex and individual.

I hope I don't come across as rude, it's just that people have told me to "seek help" countless times over the years, as if they are aware of something that I am not. It's basically like saying to an ADHD'er; "just focus and do it."

willow129
03-24-15, 09:56 AM
I'm with Sarah on this onE!!!!!

willow129
03-24-15, 10:39 AM
Bargh, sorry, I didn't see your response Karamo. Can't edit now. Ignore me.

Karamo
03-24-15, 11:23 AM
Nono, no ignoring. Sarah IS right no doubt about it. I just explained it from my view. If I was a decent human being, and someone else posted this topic, I'd say the same thing she said.

stef
03-24-15, 11:31 AM
If I was a decent human being, and someone else posted this topic, I'd say the same thing she said.

You are, you know; you just don't see it.

Stevuke79
03-24-15, 12:19 PM
See, we do have a lot in common. Hugs bro!

Forgive yourself. No one can drive us as crazy as our parents. That doesn't mean she's a bad person and that doesn't mean your blaming her.. all it means is that the people closest to us have the power to drive us batty and we act in ways we shouldn't.
(I'm not trying to take responsibility away from you - all I'm saying is that this is just another thing to deal with. Don't let it be immobilizing for you.

Just apologize. It'll be ok.

Don't try to fix anything. The goal is not to "make it ok". Don't get caught up in how futile and small your apology is next to what you did. That's all a distraction. You don't have to be a "good person" to apologize, you just have to decide you want to apologize.
(You ARE a good person, but if you dispute the fact, let's not debate it right now and get distracted, .. just do what you have to do.)

Getting into a habit of confronting our wrongs no matter what is one way to help us avoid them going forward and we also need to realize we don't need to be "good" or "worthy" people to do what we know is right.

sarahsweets
03-24-15, 04:30 PM
another thing I realized is that this post should have included a trigger warning.

Karamo
03-25-15, 09:02 AM
You are, you know; you just don't see it.

I think that actions speak louder than words. I can be as introspective, self-admitting and self-loathing as I want but it only looks good in text, it doesn't help anyone except me, by venting. The fact is that I keep on doing bad things, I don't change...

See, we do have a lot in common. Hugs bro!

Forgive yourself. No one can drive us as crazy as our parents. That doesn't mean she's a bad person and that doesn't mean your blaming her.. all it means is that the people closest to us have the power to drive us batty and we act in ways we shouldn't.
(I'm not trying to take responsibility away from you - all I'm saying is that this is just another thing to deal with. Don't let it be immobilizing for you.

Just apologize. It'll be ok.

Don't try to fix anything. The goal is not to "make it ok". Don't get caught up in how futile and small your apology is next to what you did. That's all a distraction. You don't have to be a "good person" to apologize, you just have to decide you want to apologize.
(You ARE a good person, but if you dispute the fact, let's not debate it right now and get distracted, .. just do what you have to do.)

Getting into a habit of confronting our wrongs no matter what is one way to help us avoid them going forward and we also need to realize we don't need to be "good" or "worthy" people to do what we know is right.

You always have a more layered way of viewing things. It makes so much sense. I'm still trying to muster the courage to apologize but it's like the way there, in my mind, is blocked. I don't feel like I deserve the forgiveness "just yet".

Oh well.

Stevuke79
03-25-15, 09:12 AM
i really do hear you.

one last little thing, just because you say it might be helping: you dont have to ask for forgiveness when you say 'I'm sorry.'

'I'm sorry' is a fact. a declaration. not a request. you dont have to ask for anything.

Karamo
03-25-15, 12:55 PM
i really do hear you.

one last little thing, just because you say it might be helping: you dont have to ask for forgiveness when you say 'I'm sorry.'

'I'm sorry' is a fact. a declaration. not a request. you dont have to ask for anything.

That's true. It also goes to show what kind of person one is. Expecting a 'trade' or 'reward' (as skewed as it may sound in the situation) would just mean I am a horribly selfish human being.

I did apologize and yeah, she was really, really hurt...

midnightstar
03-25-15, 05:04 PM
Can you ever be absolutely certain you didn't do damage swallowing that amount of pills? Did you go to hospital? Don't remember seeing in your post anything about it (there again my memory's been bad today, my brain's been scrambled)

I agree that you should apologise to your mum, you never know when you might no longer have her around.

InvitroCanibal
03-28-15, 03:39 AM
Ya, I'd agree with Sarah. I was blindly trying to answer the question. If you feel like you are suicidal, then please contact a crisis line or call 911.

I've heard your music on youtube and you are good. I play the piano personally. When I was playing one day I noticed there are a limited set of keys to a piano, it can look like nothing else is worth writing because it has all been done. I don't know why you do music but for me I play piano because when I find new music unexpectedly, it reminds me that I don't know what beauty exists in life.

Stay in, contact a crisis team

Karamo
03-28-15, 06:38 AM
When I am at my worst I don't want any help, I don't want to get better, that's why I always quench a laugh when people say; "Call me the next time you feel like crap!". I mean, that's how low I go; there is not even a hope or a "dream" of a life where things are working out; even thoughts of happiness become twisted and depressed. It's like the concept of anything other than sadness is wiped out entirely, even the mere notion of it ever having existed.

I've always been mistrusted regarding my feeling bad because I always crack jokes and toss out lame (awesome) puns. It's a shame. I've tried seeking help when I was just "down" (that is; only thinking about ending crap, but not necessarily wanting to do it in that particular minute) but because I don't LOOK miserable or act miserable, I apparently AM not miserable. "You've got clean clothes, you recently shaved, you make jokes and you're very cognitively present."

To be depressed, apparently you have to fit the caricature.

Thanks for the compliment Invitro; I used to sing ocassionally because whenever the urge appeared, I could use those minutes to sing instead of having to spend them unpacking and tuning an instrument just to have the urge be long gone before I've ever played a note. That's how fleeting it was. However, I used to sing very seriously and in a determined and aware manner and write a lot of music because I found that creativity and curiousity was fun - but that was all amphetamines unfortunately.

So today there is no music at all. The last update on my SoundCloud was from when I double dosed my Elvanse by mistake (had taken one 50mg, then fell back to sleep and forgot I had taken it when I woke up a little bit later).

I've come to terms with the fact that my "dopamine" (to put it simply) is and forever will be just a fragment of what's normal. To get up to normal (i.e, not euphoric but rather enabled to feel interested), I'd have to use doses that have such emotional drawbacks at night that I wouldn't be alive for long anyway. And I can't live like that. This knowledge is very disheartening and it hurt a lot when my doctors didn't really argue against it (I explained in vast detail as opposed to just saying "dopamine") and instead just said "well... ECT... We haven't tried ECT...?"

Pilgrim
03-30-15, 02:23 AM
Sometimes it's the best when you can operate at the bottom. I think this is when your fears are all you have.
There are a couple of ground rules though.
You have to be your own best friend, not over think to much and remember it will be alright.

Maheshwara
02-09-16, 07:45 PM
Listening to your songs makes me so sad!

I hope you're in a better place now, rest in peace.